Miss Wilson is fiddling about near the cooking area, and Herr Kamyer has just come out of the woods whistling. Miss Wilson is pointing across to the bathroom facility. Herr Kamyer is taking off his glasses, pointing at the bathroom facility and shrugging his shoulders. It’s like watching mime.
Then I got it. “Herr Kamyer is pretending that he did not see Miss Wilson in the rudey-dudeys!”
one minute later
Back to the important things of life. I said to Rosie, “I wonder if I did the right thing about the Sex God. I wonder if I do like Masimo more than him.”
She said, “You’ve got to get your priorities right in life.”
Blimey, she was getting a bit deep for someone who was sporting a head full of tiny plaits and a full beard.
I said, “How do you mean?”
“Well, to put it another way. Who is the best snogger?”
Hmmmmmmmmmm.
two minutes later
I gave Masimo 9 out of 10 for snogging, and Robbie 8.
Rosie said, “Well, there you are, then.”
Yes, when you put it like that.
Then she said, “What is the best snog you have ever had? Don’t think about it, just say what comes into your head.”
Blimey. I’ve just said something that has amazed even me.
“I think it was when Dave the Laugh nibbled my lips.”
Rosie looked at me and scratched her beard.
“How did Dave the Laugh get in here?”
Good point, well made.
in our tent
9:00 p.m.
Well, nearly time to get back to civilization. I can still hear the rest of the campers around the fire. Rosie, Jools and me are all in our sleeping bags. I have got some choccy and we are trying to suck it and see who can make it last the longest. That is how exciting life is. As we were lying there sucking we heard a sort of scrabbling at the side of the tent and then a hand came looming into view at the bottom of the canvas. We were being plundered, probably by farmers.
I said, “Oy, why don’t you bog off back to where you came from? I have a gun.”
And a voice said, “Yes, but what color pants have you got on?”
It couldn’t be?
It was though.
Dave the Laugh, Tom, Sven, Rollo and Dec and another mate called Edward I didn’t know had all come down in Tom’s car to visit us. They were camped just down the road by the river.
Yes, yes, yes!!!
We were talking quietly to them through the tent wall.
Dave said from the other side of the tent, “If you pretend to go to the loo, you can all come back in and say good night to the teachers like you are going to sleep for the night, and then burrow out the back of the tent and come with us. For a laugh. You know you want to!”
He is such a cheeky cat. How exciting, though!
Tom’s voice said, “Get Jas to come out as well.”
Dec said, “Yeah, and get two other ones.”
I said, “Two other what?”
Dec said, “Girls.”
Boys are really unbelievable.
I’m sure Mabs and Ellen are not going to come out and just be with some blokes who call them “two other ones.” Even Ellen has got a bit of pridenosity. Ish.
The lads told us how to get to their campsite and said they would wait for us there. We got into our clothes and then put our dressing gowns over the top of them. Jools, Rosie and I trooped over to the now re-erected loos, passing by the fire where the rest of them were singing “Ging gang gooley gooley gooley.”
Fortunately Rosie had thought to bring emergency makeup supplies and when we got in the “loos” (poo-ey) I had a quick look in the mirror. My tent hair had calmed down a bit during the day, and I did a mascara, lippy, lip gloss thing. Rosie was leaping about undoing her plaits and practicing puckering up. Jools said, “So what is the plan?”
I said, “Here’s the plan, we go back to the tent yawning. And pretend we are shattered from having so much camping fun that we are having an early night. Then we burrow under the bottom of the tent and sneak off down to the boys’ camp for fun and frolics and snacks.”
Rosie said, “And snogging.”
Jools said, “How shall we get the rest of them away from the ging gang goolie fiasco?”
I said, “We must use sophisticosity and je ne sais quoi.”
When we got back to the campfire, the “party” was still on. Herr Kamyer was showing the campers how to do some ludicrous knots. What is the point of that? When was the last time anyone used a knot? I think it might have been Admiral Nelson. As we passed by yawning like the Yawners of Yawnington, I said in a casualosity-at-all-times way, “Oh Jas, Ellen and Mabs, I forgot I…er…have something to show you in our tent.”
Jas looked at me and didn’t even bother to reply.
Ellen said, “Oh right, shall we, erm…is it…can I…are we all…”
And so on.
I gave Jas my most meaningful look, but she didn’t know what I meant.
I said, “We found it this afternoon. I think it might be quite good for your newt collection, Jas.”
She said, “Is it a crusted one, or a toasted one?”
And she didn’t say it in a nice way.
I was about to do stormies off, but then I thought I might have to listen to her ramble and moan on for the rest of my life if she found out that Tom had been here and I hadn’t told her.
So I said, “Oh I think you will find it quite HUNKY, if you know what I mean, Jas.”
That got her attention alright. She leapt to her feet like a surprised loon.
I said, looking at her with my eyes really wide, “Why don’t you all pop round to our tent for a good night, er, look at it?”
We all trooped off to our tent. Miss Wilson said, “Don’t be up all night chattering, girls, it’s been quite a day and you’re all very excited, I expect. I know I am.”
Everyone looked at each other and tried not to laugh.
Miss Wilson was still burbling on, “Did you have an exciting day, Herr Kamyer?”
And Herr Kamyer looked at her and said, “Yeah, it was ver exciting.”
Oh my giddy god, please don’t tell me Herr Kamyer has the Horn for Miss Wilson.
Life is too weird for me and I’ve only been on the planet for a bit.
back in our tent
It was very crowded in the tent. I took off my dressing gown and Jas, Ellen and Mabs had a go on the emergency makeup supplies. When they were sufficiently tarted up, we started our burrowing tactics. It was dark by now and we had to switch off our lights so that you couldn’t see us burrowing. Actually when I say burrowing what I mean is pulling up the canvas so that we could scamper under it out into freedom!!!
We crept along the back of the campsite, keeping to the treeline.
in the boys’ tent
They have got a big green one (oo-er). It was quite groovy in it, even though it was a tent. When we put our heads through the flap, the boys cheered and offered us some pizza they had got from the village. Yum yum. Sven immediately almost ate Rosie and then sat on her knee. Dec snuggled up to Ellen who went bright red (even in the dark) and Edward said hello to Mabs. She was pleased because her blind date was a) not blind and b) very fit looking. Tom and Jas went off to the river because Jas said, “Tom, come and see the badger hide, it’s amazing.”
I laughed ironically, but she just looked at me and went off with Hunky.
Dave patted the ground next to him.
“Come and sit down, kittykat, you must be exhausted from all the fun you have been having.”
half an hour later
What a hoot and a half. Dave does make me laugh. I’d forgotten how groovy he can be. Ellen and Dec and Mabs and Edward seemed to be grooving along together. Quite nice to see Ellen not watching Dave like a Seeing Eye dog.
Dave played some music and we had a mini disco inferno in the tent.
It was hysterically funny, actually. We had to dance really
close to each other and sort of do it half bending over. If you see what I mean.
twenty minutes later
Naturally Sven made the tent collapse with a reckless diving tackle on Dave at a fast bit. I could hardly stand for laughing.
The lads put the tent up again and I was resting with Dave by some bushes.
Dave said to me, “Do you fancy a quick swim in the nuddy-pants?”
I said, “You’re mad.”
He looked at me. “You’re mad.”
“No, you’re mad.”
Then he just pushed me over into a bush.
I said as I got up, “You can’t do that, that is assault and battery.”
He said, “No, wrong, kittykat, this is assault and battery.”
And he pushed me into the bush again!!!
Then he said, “I’ll count to ten and then I am coming to get you.”
“Dave, I’m not going anywhere.”
He said, “I would if I were you, anyway if you don’t go anywhere how can I come and get you?”
I don’t know why but it seemed to make sense, so I started jogging off. What was I doing? As usual, I would be the last to know. I bet I could outrun Dave anyway.
five minutes later
Wrong.
He caught up with me at the river. I stuck my feet in it I was so hot. Dave came and sat down next to me and put his feet in as well. It was a beautiful dark night, and the air was soft and warm. I felt really happy and relaxed.
I know I shouldn’t have, but you know when you shouldn’t say anything but you still say it? Well I had that. I said, “How, erm, how is your girlfriend situation-type fandango going?”
He looked at me and half-smiled. “How is your maybe two boyfriends fandango going, missy?”
I didn’t know what to say. Then I blurted out, “Well, Robbie said he liked me, but then I told him I liked Masimo, but Masimo wants me to go to Pizza-a-gogo land, and really it should be groovy and so on, but I don’t really know.”
Dave said, “You don’t know what, kittykat?”
Oh I wish I could just put my head on his shoulder. I always want to tell him everything. But instead I said, “What’s your advice, Hornmeister?”
And he started doing pretend beard stroking and said, “Well, luuurve is a many trousered thing….”
What in the name of arse does that mean? I repeated, “Luuurve is a many trousered thing? That is your idea of advice?”
Dave said, “Well, put it another way, maybe you like more than one pair of trousers. Maybe you like Masimo and maybe someone else…”
What exactly were we talking about now?
He went on, “Yes, for instance, I like Emma, but I like someone else, possibly better.”
I couldn’t help myself, even though I knew this was dangerous red-bottom territory. I said, “Who else might you like?”
After a pause he said, “The queen,” and stood up.
I was looking up at him. I said, “You like the queen? The other person you like maybe more is the queen? The queen who’s just celebrated her eightieth birthday? The queen? The one who’s had her hips replaced?”
He said, “That was her mother, actually. Please don’t be rude about my girlfriend.”
I stood up, but I couldn’t quite see in the dark and I put my foot down some bloody badger hole or a twig trap that Miss Wilson had made or something and I fell backward. Into the edge of the river.
Dave was laughing, but he came to help me up out of the riverbank. “Oh you are good value, Georgia. You are very nearly an honorary bloke. And that is why I love you.”
Did he—did he just say what I thought he’d said? He reached down and put his arms round my waist to lift me up. I hope he didn’t feel my wet knickers and think I’d had an elderly loon moment.
He said, “Have you wet yourself, Gee? Your knickers are soaking.”
I said, “No, but I think they’re full of tadpoles, and actually my bum-oley really hurts.”
As he pulled me up the bank, I said, “I think I may have broken my bottom.”
He looked at my face and he was really smiling. Then he said, “Are we never to be free, kittykat?”
And I looked at him and he said, “Oh bugger it, it has to be done.”
And he snogged me.
Oh no. I’ve just unexpectedly paid a visit to the cakeshop of love. I haven’t put back my Italian cakey, but I’ve accidentally picked up a Dave the Tart.
The New and Improved Snogging Scale
½. sticky eyes (Be careful using this. I’ve still got some complete twit following me around like a seeing-eye dog.)
1. holding hands
2. arm around
3. goodnight kiss
4. kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath (What you need for this is a sad mate who’s got a watch but no boyfriend.)
4 1/2. hand snogging (I really don’t want to go into this. Ask Jas.)
5. open mouth kissing
6. tongues
6½. ear snogging
6¾. neck nuzzling
7. upper body fondling—outdoors
8. upper body fondling—indoors (in bed)
Virtual number 8. When your upper body is not
actually being fondled in reality, but you know that it is in your snoggee’s head.
9. below waist activity (or bwa) (Apparently this can include flashing your pants. Don’t blame me. Ask Jools.)
10. the full monty (Jas and I were in the room when Dad was watching the news and the newscaster said, “Tonight the Prime Minister has reached Number 10.” And Jas and I had a laughing spaz to end all laughing spazzes.)
Glossary
airing cupboard • It’s a cupboard full of air, you fools. If you haven’t got enough air, you go into the airing cupboard in your house. Not really! It’s a cupboard by the hot water boiler and you put towels and sheets in and they get all warm and snuggly buggly (don’t start saying you don’t know what snuggly buggly means).
arvie • Afternoon. From the Latin “arvo.” Possibly. As in the famous Latin invitation: “Lettus meetus this arvo.”
Black Death • Ah well…this is historiosity at its best. In Merrie England, everyone was having a fab time, dancing about with bells on (also known as Maurice dancing), then some ships arrived in London, full of new stuff—tobacco, sugar, chocolate, etc., yum yum. However, as in all tales in history, it ended badly, because also lurking about on the ships were rats from Europe—not human ones. And they had fleas on them that carried the plague. The fleas bit the people of Merrie England, and they got covered in pustulating boils and died. A LOT. As I have said many many times, history is crap.
Blimey O’Reilly • (as in “Blimey O’Reilly’s trousers”) This is an Irish expression of disbelief and shock. Maybe Blimey O’Reilly was a famous Irish bloke who had extravagantly big trousers. We may never know the truth. The fact is, whoever he is, what you need to know is that a) it’s Irish and b) it is Irish. I rest my case.
blodge • Biology. Like geoggers—geography—or Froggie—French.
bloke • You must know what a bloke is…it is a person of the masculine gender. Hence the expression “my bloke”—as in “I am dumping my bloke because he is too thick.”
boboland • As I have explained many, many times English is a lovely and exciting language full of sophisticosity. To go to sleep is “to go to bobos,” so if you go to bed you are going to boboland. It is an Elizabethan expression (oh, OK then, Libby made it up and she can be unreasonably violent if you don’t join in with her).
bugger • A swear word. It doesn’t really mean anything but neither do a lot of swear words. Or parents.
bum-oley • Quite literally bottom hole. I’m sorry but you did ask. Say it proudly (with a cheery smile and a Spanish accent).
bunged • Shoved. Put firmly in place. For example, “Jas was going on and on about voles, so I bunged a Jammy Dodger in her gob.”
chav • A chav is a common, rude, rough person. They wear
naff clothes. A chav joke would be, “What are the first words a chav baby says to its single parent?” Answer: “What are YOU looking at??” Or: “If there are two chavs in a car and no loud music playing, what kind of a car is it?” Answer: “A police car.”
chuddie • Chewing gum. This is an “i” word thing. We have a lot of them in English due to our very busy lives, explaining stuff to other people not so fortunate as ourselves.
Cliff Richard’s Y-Fronts • Y-fronts are boys’ knickers, but they are not worn by any boy you would want to know. Cliff Richard is a living legend (who is now a Lord—or is it a Lady?).
clown car • Officially called a Reliant Robin three-wheeler, but clearly a car built for clowns, built by some absolute loser called Robin. The Reliant bit comes from being able to rely on Robin being a prat. I wouldn’t be surprised if Robin also invented nostril hair cutters.
conk • Nose. This is very interesting historically. A very long time ago (1066)—even before my grandad was born—a bloke called William the Conqueror (French) came to England and shot our King Harold in the eye. Typical. And people wonder why we don’t like the French much. Anyway, William had a big nose and so to get our own back we call him William the Big Conkerer. If you see what I mean. I hope you do because I am exhausting myself with my hilariosity and historiosity.
div • Short for “dithering prat,” i.e., Jas.
DIY • Quite literally “Do It Yourself!” Rude when you think it about it. Instead of getting someone competent to do things around the house (you know, like a trained electrician or a builder or a plumber), some vatis choose to do DIY. Always with disastrous results. (For example, my bedroom ceiling has footprints in it because my vati decided he would go up on the roof and replace a few tiles. Hopeless.)
double cool with knobs • “Double” and “with knobs” are instead of saying very or very, very, very, very. You’d feel silly saying, “He was very, very, very, very, very cool.” Also everyone would have fallen asleep before you had finished your sentence. So “double cool with knobs” is altogether snappier.
Love Is a Many Trousered Thing Page 14