I want to drown in her because she is life.
She moves to her side, her hands going to my chest, and I kiss her harder. While I know she’s not in danger, it’s as though my heart won’t settle in my chest. The terror that’s living inside me is too much, and I can’t breathe.
“Delia,” I say as if to call her back to me.
“I’m right here. I’m safe, and I love you.”
Love. God, she needs to see the destruction it brings, but even with knowing that I’ll be her demise, I can’t stop myself from loving her. Everything good in this world is her, and I am going to extinguish that because I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. I kiss her harder, deeper, with everything I feel, and say it all through my touch.
I love her.
I need her.
I’m going to lose her.
Her fingers slide through my hair, holding me where she wants me. I know she’s in pain. The loss of the child is too much for either of us. I see the way she looks at me, the way she holds in her tears, trying to be strong. One day, she’ll know the truth of why it all happened.
She’ll hate me, and I’ll deserve it.
So, for now, I kiss her.
“Josh,” she says. “I . . . I love you. Please, just love me.”
“More than I can say,” I tell her. It’s true, my love for her is real, but I also think that love should be freedom. It should give her a safe place. I can’t do both, and it’s killing me.
“Just kiss me. Kiss me until it doesn’t hurt,” Delia pleads.
I move quickly, shifting off the bed with my heart racing. It’ll always hurt. I’m what hurts.
“Josh?” she says as I scramble farther back.
“We can’t, Delia.”
“I know, but . . .”
We can’t have sex, and while that’s what she probably thinks I mean, it’s not. It’s everything. The hurt and fear that lingers in her eyes are what keep me from saying everything. I don’t know what way is up anymore.
I love her, want her, need her, and yet, I am fucking petrified that I’ll lose her.
Not in the way that I just won’t get to be with her, but that she’s going to die. Morgan died. The baby died. It’s always the people I love who are hurt.
Delia has to get through this pregnancy and birth. There’s too much to risk.
I step back again. “I can’t hurt you.”
“You’re not.”
“I am! I’m . . . fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t live through watching you hurt.”
She shifts onto her knees. “I’m trying! I’m trying to be normal, and when you kiss me, when I am in your arms, it is like I am me again. Now you’re pushing me away?”
“I’m protecting you. Don’t you see that?”
“You want to protect me, Josh? Hold me close. Take me in your arms and tell me it’ll be okay. Tell me you love me, and you’re here with me. We’ve barely even spoken to each other this week.”
“What do you want me to say?” I yell, my hands flying up. “I can’t fix this! Once again, I can’t make this better. I can’t give you back the baby we lost. I can’t guaran-fucking-tee that you’ll deliver our son safely. I’m sitting on the sidelines, watching all of this and hoping to God that nothing else happens.”
She climbs off the bed, her hand moving to her stomach. “No one can do that. I’m dealing with the same fears, but we have each other. You’re here with me, and we should be leaning on each other.”
A shaky breath escapes my mouth. “I have to go.”
“Go where?”
“I just have to think.”
Delia watches me, and after a few seconds, she shrugs. “Then go.”
I grab my keys and do exactly that. I leave, feeling lost and unsure of what the hell to do now. I’m losing her. I’m losing myself. I’m going to lose everything because that’s what I deserve.
Chapter 39
Delia
It’s been six hours since Josh left the house. He sent me a text about an hour ago.
* * *
Josh: I’m at the resort, checking on things. I’ll be home later. Call me if there is anything you need.
I read it again, unsure of how to process this new turn of events. I am fully aware that grief affects us all differently. The fact that Josh is clearly not handling his is what worries me. The dream and the way he screamed for me over and over as though I were dying made my chest ache. I could hear the panic in his voice, and when he woke, I could see that he was not okay.
I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and he said he was fine.
Yet, for the last week, he has been here, but there has been space between us that I couldn’t push through.
He looks at me, but it’s as though he’s a million miles away and I don’t know what to do.
So, I’m sitting on the couch lost in pain, feeling less alone than I did when he was here.
“Delia?” Someone calls as there’s a knock on the door. “It’s me.”
“Come in, Stella,” I yell back.
She opens the door and comes in with a latte in her hand. “I come bearing gifts.”
“You bring the right ones.”
“After being your friend for this long, I should know at least this much,” Stella says before kissing my cheek and sitting beside me, handing the coffee over.
“Thanks for this.”
“Of course.”
“Did your brother send you to babysit me?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “No, I was coming over to remove him and force him back to work, but then I saw his car was gone. Where is he?”
“Work.”
“Glad I’m here then. The last phone call didn’t go so great.”
I heard it. Josh was yelling at her and his brothers, and even though I was inside and he was out by the tree line, I could hear him.
“He’s struggling.”
“I know, but he’s biting everyone’s heads off, and it’s to the point that even Oliver wants to kick his ass.”
I sigh, dropping my head to the back of the couch. “He isn’t handling this well. I don’t know what to do.”
“Has he said anything?”
Telling Stella feels like a betrayal. Josh doesn’t really talk about his feelings. He offers advice and is there for everyone he loves, but letting others take some of his burden isn’t his strong suit.
I chew on my thumb and decide that I can’t break his trust. “He’s just . . . feeling a lot and not really confiding in me about it.”
“Sounds like him.”
“I’m going to lose him, Stella.” As I say it, my heart clenches and tears form. “I just got him, and now I’m going to have to go back to a life where we’re not together. Each day, it’s like he’s pushing farther and farther away.”
“You know he told me about the girl in New Orleans.”
“He did?”
She nods. “I don’t think he meant to, but once he started, it was like he just couldn’t stop, you know? I was in shock, but how he’s been for the last ten years makes a bit more sense. It’s like he punishes himself for not being able to save her.”
“I know, and now what? He loves me and he loved the twins. Now we’re all going to lose. I can’t take much more. I really can’t. I love him, but this hurts. It is so hard to watch him shut down and act as though he’s really fine.”
“Don’t cry, Deals,” she says as her hand grips mine. I cry a bit, feeling overwhelmed, and then she releases me. “If you lose him because of this, then he never deserved you. Josh is . . . well, I don’t know because he doesn’t let any of us in. However, he can’t use the past as an excuse to hurt his future. The loss you’re both feeling is hard, but if he would lean on you, then you’d get through it.”
“He’s having dreams,” I tell her.
“Of?”
“He won’t talk about them, but he was screaming and thrashing. I think he was back in the flood.”
She sighs. “I’m so sorry. I wo
uld offer help, but I think he’ll just shut down. I’ve never been able to get through to him. Only advice I have is to talk to him and try to make him see how much you both need each other before it’s too late.”
“And if it already is?” I ask hesitantly.
“Then you let him go.”
Day turns to night and still no Josh. My fingers have hovered over the call button, yet I won’t do it. It’s like a part of me already knows what’s coming, and I’m putting it off.
The baby kicks, and I get up, pacing around the room. I don’t know what to do, but it feels like each minute that passes is an hour.
Finally, I press send, only to have it go right to voice mail.
“Josh, I don’t know where you are, but . . . call me.”
I grab the blanket and curl up on the couch, unable to do anything else. After another hour, the door opens, and Josh walks in.
“You’re still up?”
“You’re finally home.”
He tosses his keys onto the table. “I was busy at work.”
“Busy avoiding me is more like it.”
“Please don’t start, I’m exhausted.”
I get to my feet. “And I’ve been worried sick! You storm out of here this morning and are gone for over twelve hours with nothing. I called, no answer. I didn’t even get a text after that cryptic one this morning.”
“I shut my phone off.”
I let out a puff of air. “Yes, why would you keep your phone on when your pregnant girlfriend might need you.”
“You’re fine. I’m fine. All is well. Not completely because we’re clearly being punished, but . . . semantics.”
My eyes widen as I stare at this man I don’t know. “What do you mean being punished?”
“I’m going to bed. I need to go to work early.”
He starts to walk away, but I chase after him, grabbing his arm. “No, what did you mean?”
“Exactly what I said. You’re being punished because of me. It’s clear that this is just the beginning, so I’m preparing.”
I don’t understand what he’s saying. What punishment is because of him? “You’re not making sense.”
“What part isn’t clear, Delia? You were fine before I showed up. You had the perfect house, new job, and life was great. Now . . . you’re suffering.”
I blink a few times because, yes, I’m sad. Yes, I’m struggling with the loss we’re enduring, but I’m not suffering. “No, I’m not. I’m dealing with things. I’m grieving, Josh.”
“And so am I, but at least you don’t have the added layer of hell of knowing who is the cause.”
“You believe that this is your fault?”
“Obviously.”
I’ve always known he takes on the weight of the world, but this is crazy. I move toward him, my hand brushing his cheek, and he jerks back.
“You didn’t do this. We lost a baby, Josh. That is nature and nothing to do with you. It isn’t your fault any more than it’s mine.”
“How would it be your fault?” he bellows.
“I lost her! I did it! She was my responsibility, and now look at what happened.”
“No, that’s ridiculous!”
“What’s ridiculous is that you think this is your fault! Don’t you see that?”
He takes a step back, his eyes on mine. “I know what I bring. I know what my love does. Look at the body count around me!”
“You lost one person. One, Josh. That doesn’t make you the master of destruction. It means that someone died—tragically—and you never dealt with it. You are no more at fault for what happened to Morgan than I am for Gina.”
He huffs. “No, you’re in denial. I destroy everything. I love and people lose. It’s reality, and you failing to see that is only hurting you. I deluded myself into thinking that it could be different. That we were different. Now I see. I see what my loving you is doing to you.”
“You’re choosing to see it that way.”
He laughs once. “Yeah, I chose it all. I chose to watch my girlfriend drown. I chose to fail you and lose our daughter. I chose it because that’s what I want. No. I don’t want this. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to watch you die because of me.”
I try again, going toward him, but he backs up. “No. Don’t. Don’t try to fix me. I watched her die in front of me. I watched you cry as we lost our daughter. What’s next, Delia? You? Our son? It’ll happen because that’s what always fucking happens.”
“So, you’re going to push me away? Not love me anymore?”
“I wish I could. I wish I could stop this feeling in my chest. I wish I didn’t love you so fucking much that it hurts to breathe. But do you know what hurts worse? This. This goddamn pain that never ends. Having to live with the knowledge that, any day now, you’re going to hurt again.”
I stand here, unsure of the next step. He is convinced that this is all his fault, and despite it being irrational, it’s his belief. I can keep saying it’s not, doing my best to convince him, but until he’s ready to actually accept it, I don’t know we’ll ever get past it.
“And this is truly what you think?”
“It’s what I know.”
My heart breaks. “Okay then.”
That seems to stun him a little. “What?”
“What now, Josh? How does this go? What is your solution to all of this? Are you going to get help or are you just going to walk away?”
“I’m going back to how it was before.”
The air in my chest feels heavy. “Meaning?” I choke out the word and wait.
Josh presses his lips into a thin line. “I’m going to the RV for a few days.”
“Just a few days or will you be back?”
“I don’t know, but I need to put some distance between us.”
Tears stream down my face as he shreds my heart. He really believes this is his fault and can’t see that I love him and we can work through it. He’s breaking us. “I see. So, you’re leaving me?”
“I’m going to the RV a few towns over. It’s not exactly leaving. I’m just putting some distance between us until I know you’re safe.”
Right.
If he wants distance, he’s going to get that. I have always loved him, but I won’t live like this.
“If you go, that’s it. I’m not going to do this, and I told you that when I got pregnant. I can do this on my own, but you chose to love me. You wanted us to be a family. There’s no way I can do it this way.”
“You’re giving me an ultimatum?”
“No, I’m giving you a choice.” I soften my voice. “I’m giving you the option to choose me, Josh. To love me. To love the risks, the rewards, the possibilities, and the failures we’ll endure. Nothing in life is perfect. Loss is inevitable, but I’m right here. I’m sad and hate that we lost our daughter, but we still have hope.”
Josh goes to move forward but stops himself. “Hope for what?”
I always knew this would be the end in some way. That he wouldn’t choose me. He’d walk away. The only reason we are even together now is because I got pregnant. Without the babies, there would never be an us. I’m not sure how I didn’t see it sooner.
“Hope for our son! Hope for the life we were building. Hope for anything more than the shell of a fucking man you were before. I wanted us to be happy.”
“I did too, but how the hell can we be? How can I love you when I know the ending?”
This time, I’m the one who pulls back, erecting a wall around my already decimated heart. “You created the ending. It didn’t have to be this way. If you really believe that loving me is going to cause pain, then you should go. Not because I want you to but because I love you enough not to want that life for you. So, you choose, Josh.”
He looks at me, his pain written all over his face. It all clears, and I have a sliver of hope that the decision he made is the right one, but he turns, his hand gripping the edge of the entryway table for just a second before he’s reaching for me. Before h
e’s kissing me. I close my eyes, the joy bubbling up that this isn’t the end.
Tears this time aren’t sadness as they move down my cheeks.
He pulls back, blue eyes staring down at me. “I’m sorry.”
I blink, confusion now taking hold of me. “What?”
Josh grabs his keys from the table and walks to the door. “I’m sorry that I’m not the man you need.”
The door clicks closed, and I feel a whole new ache in my chest as I hear his car’s engine fade away in the distance.
Chapter 40
Delia
I keep trying to cry. I wait for the tears to come, but they don’t.
It’s funny how that happens. When I wanted to stop feeling sad, I couldn’t make that happen, and now, I would give anything not to be drowning in this hollow numbness.
“I’ll kill him,” Jessica says, taking a seat on the couch across from me.
I didn’t call her, but she just appeared. I’m assuming Grayson told her. Whatever.
“It’s not like I didn’t expect this.”
“You expected the man you love to walk out?”
I shrug. “Maybe. He’s broken, and I can’t do anything about that.”
“I’m going to break him.”
“I don’t think you could do much damage.” I pull the blanket over me. I’m cold. I wonder if it’s normal to be this cold.
“Probably not, but it would make me feel better.”
“Thanks, Jess.”
“I’m sorry. I really am. I thought he had changed, and . . . I don’t know.”
I did too. I let myself believe that he really loved me. That we could finally be a couple and build a life together. I was naïve and should’ve guarded myself better. I rub my stomach, feeling the baby moving inside me. It’s him I’m sorry for. Our son who could’ve had a loving family with two parents. Not that there’s anything wrong with non-traditional, but I wanted at least a chance at that.
A Moment for Us Page 24