by Sarah Bailey
“He’s not my boyfriend. We never had that conversation.”
His eyes brimmed with barely concealed anger. Why the hell did the thought of me having a boyfriend rile him up so much?
“Has he fucked you?”
“What? No. What the hell, Aiden? Where is this coming from? I don’t know who told you about him nor why you think I’d keep it from you if I did have a boyfriend. I’m not stupid.”
Who the fuck had told him about my private life? I’d been so careful not to let onto the media that I was seeing Peter. He didn’t deserve that kind of attention. I would never go public with anyone unless it was serious. I might feel bad about this shit with Aiden when I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Peter, but I wasn’t doing anything wrong either, relatively speaking at least.
“Then why the fuck did he tell the police you are together?”
Peter told them that?
He really shouldn’t have. It wasn’t for him to make assumptions about the two of us. I liked him, but he wasn’t… Aiden. My heart sank. Even if Peter was waiting for me, it no longer mattered because I wasn’t going back to my old life. Not now. Not ever. Aiden wouldn’t let me and if I was being honest with myself, I had no desire to either.
“He what? My uncle told you this, didn’t he? I’m not in a relationship with anyone. I haven’t even had a real boyfriend before so don’t start shit with me about this.”
Aiden reeled back slightly, letting go of my throat.
“What?”
“What part didn’t you understand?”
Anger simmered in my veins. I didn’t like accusations being flung at me.
“What do you mean you’ve never had a boyfriend before? You’re not a…”
“Not a what? A virgin? No, definitely not.”
“Who the fuck have you been with?”
“What kind of question is that? I don’t ask you about who you’ve slept with. Seriously, what is with you?”
I shoved at his chest. He moved a little which allowed me to scramble out from underneath him and tear out of the bed. I glared at him.
“Where do you get off accusing me of shit first thing in the morning?”
The next moment, he was out of the bed and in my face. He grabbed me by the arms and held me in place.
“You are fucking mine, Avery. Mine. No one else can touch you. No one else can have you. No one. Mine.”
“Oh, so what you’re going to be all fucking possessive and shit just because I’ve got a past? Screw you.”
I tried to get away from him, but his grip on me was so tight, it almost hurt.
“Get off me.”
“No.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Aiden. One minute you’re locking me up, the next comforting me, then you’re trying to fuck me… or not. And now, I don’t even know what this is. What do you want? Do you want me to tell you I’m yours? I already fucking said that. I have been yours from the moment you walked into my life and fucked it up. What else do I have to do to prove it to you? I. Am. Yours.”
Steel eyes stared down at me. Disarming me on every level. Aiden had a way of making me so angry yet one look from him had it flying out the window. I just wanted him to make some semblance of sense or at least be consistent in the way he treated me.
“Tell me how many.”
“Three.”
I knew what the fuck he was asking. I wasn’t going to tell him who they were, but if he was going to be such a prick about this, I had to give him something.
“Let me make something clear to you now. If anyone else tries to put their dick in you, I will put a bullet in their head.”
That sentence pierced right through my irritation. Why the fuck would he resort to killing someone if they tried anything with me?
“Why because only you’re allowed to do that?”
I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. I wished I’d never got angry with him.
Aiden leant down until he was right up in my face.
“Say that again.”
I shook my head. His expression terrified me. Cold. Deadly. Heartless. He grabbed my face roughly.
“Say it again, Avery.”
“No.”
“Is that what you want? Do you want me to fuck you? Should you really want that from the man who shot your parents?”
That question cut me to the core. No. I shouldn’t want him to fuck me, but I did. He couldn’t say a damn thing either because he wanted to fuck me too.
“Answer me.”
I shook my head.
“Is that no, you don’t want me to fuck you or no, you don’t want to answer me?”
“Aiden, please,” I whimpered.
“Fucking answer me, Avery.”
“Stop it.”
“Are you too fucking scared to admit it? Admit how fucked up you wanting me is.”
I couldn’t fight back tears. I hated him. I hated him so much, but I needed him. I’d lost everything to him. This was a battle and I had no hope of winning against the man who stole my life. There was no doubt Aiden would continue to take from me until I was nothing but his puppet. Or maybe he just wanted me to be his fuck toy now. Either way, I knew I’d give in.
The funny thing about it?
I didn’t care.
My life wasn’t my own any longer. What was the point in fighting it? I was tired. The last three weeks had taken a toll on me emotionally.
“So what if I do? It’s just as fucked up as you wanting me too.”
He looked down at my mouth.
“You’re too fucking innocent, you know that? You couldn’t handle what I want. I don’t do vanilla. I don’t do sweet.”
He backed me up until I was against the wall. He pinned me there with only his gaze and his hands either side of me, caging me in. Leaning down, his breath danced across my ear.
“If I fucked you, Avery, you wouldn’t know what hit you. I’d tear down all your walls, all your fucking defences and I’d wreck you.”
He pulled back and stared at me. The way he said it made my chest constrict and my body flood with heat. Even though I knew he would make good on that promise, it didn’t stop me wanting him all the same. The insane, fucked up part of me wanted him to wreck me entirely so I wouldn’t have to feel any more. So I wouldn’t have to be so conflicted by my emotions and loyalties. At that moment, all I wanted to be was Aiden’s. Consequences be damned.
“I want you to wreck me,” I whispered. “I want you.”
The tension between us overflowed. Neither of us could move. My words hung in the air. The thin line between what I should do and what I wanted to do was about a hundred miles behind me. I jumped head first into a fucking pit of insanity and I didn’t care.
The look in Aiden’s eyes shifted. And I knew immediately he wasn’t going to fuck me right then. He grabbed my arm and tugged me from the room. When I saw where we were going, I completely lost it. I tried to pull my arm from his grasp and kicked out at him.
“No, no, no, Aiden, please. Don’t. I don’t want to go back in there. Please.”
He didn’t respond. Opening the door, he threw me inside and before I had a chance to scramble back to my feet, it slammed shut. The locks turned, the sound echoing around my skull. Even in the dark, I knew where that fucking door was. I threw myself at it, hitting it with my fists.
“Aiden, let me out. Don’t do this. Please. Let me out. Aiden. Please. Aiden.”
He’d put me in the cell again. The one place he knew I hated.
“Aiden, please. I’m begging you. Don’t put me through this again. I can’t do it. I can’t. Please.”
I pounded the door until I had no energy left. Sliding down it, I sobbed.
“I hate you. I hate everything about you. You make me hate myself. I hate how I feel about you. I hate wanting you. I hate needing you. Aiden, please, stop hurting me like this. You don’t need to break me anymore. I’m already yours. I’ll do what you want me to.
I don’t even know what it is, but I’ll do it. Please, I’ll do anything. Please. Aiden.”
I had nothing left. There was no point to this any longer. My life felt worthless. I felt like nothing. Nothing and nobody. The darkness crept into my skull, rattling my brain with thoughts of what happened last time he left me in here alone.
“Aiden, let me out,” I whimpered.
The locks turned in my brain. I knew it was a trick of the mind. Aiden wasn’t letting me out anytime soon. I’d pushed him. I didn’t know why me giving him my body would cause this reaction when it was clear he wanted me. Was he struggling with his attraction to me? It was fucked up we wanted each other, sure, but it didn’t warrant me being thrown in the cell.
“Of all the things you’ve done to me, Aiden, this is the worst. You know what will happen if you leave me in here. I’m already broken. Don’t you see that? Why do you want to hurt me further? You told me you didn’t hate me. I feel like you do now. You hate me because you want me, don’t you? You think I don’t see who you are. Reality check, Aiden, I see you. I know you’re hurting and stupid me wants to help you. Stupid, idiotic girl.”
It didn’t matter if he could hear me or not. I could be talking to thin air for all I cared. I just had to get my thoughts out. Had to say something to fill the silence. The silence which clawed at me and made me want to scream.
I closed my eyes and all I could see was my parents. My parents staring back at me with bullet holes in their heads. Then I really did scream. I screamed and tried to tear my face off because the visions were still there when I opened my eyes.
“Stop. Go away. No. You’re not real.”
“Why didn’t you save us?” they both said to me.
“I couldn’t. No. Stop.”
“Why did you let him take us away, sweet angel?”
I buried my head in my knees. They wouldn’t go away. I could still see them in the corners of my eyes.
“Avery, look at us, baby girl. You can stop him. Avenge us.”
“No. I won’t. I won’t do it.”
“He took us from you. Take his life. Avenge us, baby.”
What the hell was happening to me?
“No. I need him and he needs me.”
“He doesn’t need anyone. He doesn’t want you.”
Lies. Aiden did need me. He needed me to help him. If he didn’t, then he would’ve killed me too. The fact I was even trying to justify Aiden’s behaviour to the parents I was hallucinating, the parents that weren’t even real made everything worse.
“You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real.”
“Baby girl, we are real. We’re here. Avenge us. Take his life.”
“Not real. Not real. Not real.”
I crawled away from the door and huddled in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth.
“Not real. None of this is real.”
“Avenge us. Avenge us, Avery. Avenge us.”
“No. No. You’re not real. None of it is real. I can’t see you. I can’t hear you.”
Done. I was just done. Even though I hated Aiden for putting me back in here, when he let me out, I’d fall at his feet and beg him to forgive me for whatever it was I’d done.
I’d beg him to keep me with him.
I’d do anything for him
Because the sick, stupid, broken girl I was needed the man who’d killed her parents.
Needed him to care of her.
Needed him to hold her.
Needed him like she needed air.
And she would go to the ends of the earth for him because that’s what you did when you cared about someone as much as this sick, stupid, broken girl cared for Aiden.
“Please don’t leave me again. Please stay with me. Please, Aiden. Please.”
Chapter Ten
Aiden
I really felt like the world’s most fucked up piece of shit. I sat against the cell door with my head in my hands. I heard everything she said. Every word echoed around my skull. All of it shattered me. I knew she was hallucinating again when she screamed. And when she’d said, “I need him and he needs me,” it broke me further. I couldn’t fucking cope with it. My need for her.
She deserved far better than me. Too fucking innocent. When she said she wanted me, I just couldn’t do it. She didn’t know what she wanted. Not really. I’d made her need me and took away her choice. Her decisions weren’t made with clarity. So I couldn’t do it. I had to put her in the cell not because she deserved it, but to save myself from her.
It was wrong on so many levels. Putting her back in there only brought her more pain and misery. It was like she said, I was hurting her further. It wasn’t cruel to be kind. It was self-preservation. I was a fucking arsehole.
What am I doing to you, Avery? What the fuck am I doing?
The silence was worse than her screaming. I wanted to open the door. To make sure she hadn’t hurt herself. I didn’t go in. The thought of seeing her broken. Watching her deteriorate further, that fucking killed. Everything inside me had been dead for so long. Avery made me feel again. And the force of those feelings made everything so fucking complicated.
~~~
She stroked my hair with such a delicate hand. I stared up into the grey eyes which mirrored mine. The only part of her I had in me. The rest, who knew. She never talked about him.
“I’m so proud of you, my little man. You’re doing so well at school and Tina says you’re making friends.”
“When are you coming home?” I asked.
“Soon, sweetheart. Mummy is getting us a new home. It’ll be just you and me. Would you like that?”
The bruise around her eye was stark, but she smiled down at me.
“Yes. Will I have my own room?”
“Of course, my darling angel.”
“Can I have green and blue walls?”
“I’ll paint them for you myself.”
I wrapped my hands around her legs, only just coming up to her stomach.
“Mummy, will we always be together?”
“I hope so, my angel.”
She pulled away and squatted down to my level, putting her hands on my shoulders.
“You be a good boy for Tina, okay? I promise I’ll see you soon. Mummy loves you so much.”
I could see tears welling in her eyes, but I didn’t know why she was crying. She gathered me up in her arms, kissing the top of my head.
“My beautiful boy.”
“I promise I’ll be good. I love you, Mummy.”
She held me for the longest time, stroking my hair and murmuring to me.
“My sweet boy. My angel.”
When she let go, she wiped her eyes, wincing as she touched her bruised face. She kissed my forehead one more time before she rose.
“Take care of him,” she said to Tina who was standing behind us.
“Of course, Miss Lockhart,” Tina replied.
And then she walked away, leaving me alone with Tina.
~~~
Shaking, I stood. The memory clung to me, tearing my insides to shreds. I knew they’d find a way to haunt me again. Now they had no control over my dreams because I had Avery there to chase that darkness away.
Fuck this.
I got up and walked away from the cell. I went to my office, unlocked the door and strode in. I stood there, staring at Avery’s drawing pinned to my noticeboard.
My angel.
Thinking of her made my head hurt. And thinking of the girl who’d depicted me as her avenging angel tugged at the organ I swore I’d never breathe life into again. I had to fix myself before it was too late.
~~~
I ran for an hour. My muscles burnt from the pace I set, but I didn’t care. The pain reminded me of what I needed to do. Gave me the strength to go through with it. She was going to hate me even more. Hate me for showing her the truth. That was okay. She could hate me all she wanted. She’d still do what I ask
ed of her. She’d comply.
After showering and dressing when I got back, I prepared what I had to. This would only be the start. She needed to be told in small, manageable pieces until she finally understood. Understood the horror of the people who had given her life.
I unlocked the cell door. I knew the light would hurt her eyes, so I didn’t switch it on. She was in the corner, her head buried in her knees. I walked over until I stood before her.
“Daniels.”
She raised her head slowly, looking up at me with no small amount of fear and hatred. It was quickly overtaken by relief. She opened her mouth to speak and began to reach for me, but I put a hand up.
“No. You won’t get anything from me until you’ve seen what you need to see.”
She closed her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. I knew what I was doing. It fucking cut me, but I had no choice. If I comforted her now, it wouldn’t help her later. It wouldn’t help me either.
“Do you need the loo?” I asked.
She nodded.
“Go and return here to me when you’re done. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
Avery tried to get to her feet, but she struggled. I put a hand out to her, which she took, and helped her up. Instead of letting go, I guided her from the room and left her at the bathroom door. I went into the kitchen and poured her some water. She’d not had anything since she’d woken up. I’d feed her, but only after this.
Avery was standing by the cell door when I returned. I gave her the glass before pointing to the room. She took a large gulp before staring at me.
“Why?” she asked.
“Move. I won’t tell you again.”
Her eyes flashed with pain. I knew I was hurting her with my behaviour. Fucking piece of shit. Couldn’t be helped. She’d understand why it had to be in there after and she’d fucking thank me for it.
She walked in, every step slow and cautious. I followed her, taking the glass from her hand and replacing it with a tablet.
“What you’re going to see will help you understand. It is not for the faint-hearted. Do not look away. This is the truth of what you were born into.”
Her hands trembled, but she pressed play on the video. It was taken from security footage.