“Fuck, you and I keep butting heads when it comes to Ivy, and I’m fuckin’ sick of it, Dad. She is not a bad woman. She’s quite the contrary if you ask me. She’s smart, determined, funny, and compassionate. She tries her hardest to fit in with everyone here and just started to feel a bit normal before Ashley went and planted the Machk seed in her fuckin’ head. I haven’t even talked to Ivy yet, but I know my fuckin’ girl, and she’s not good right now.”
“You should be thanking me for even bringing him here if she’s his child than there’s a likelihood that I might like her at some point.”
“Fuck. You’re losing your fuckin’ mind! Your attitude toward Ivy has nothing to do with Ivy. Can’t you see that? It’s all your deeply rooted emotional shit with Grizzly. That’s why you’re treating her the way you do. ‘Cause when you look at her, you don’t see her. All you see is Grizzly, and she is nothing like that old bastard. I need you to understand that.”
“I don’t know her, Kade. You can’t expect me to naturally like her when the man that raised her has caused us so much misery. Think of all the shit that’s happened. He orchestrated everything between Harry and Ashley. Fuck, she lost a child. All of that is Grizzly’s doing, and it’s why I have a problem.”
“Well, you need to get rid of your problem really quick, Dad. I just made that woman my ol’ lady and had her branded,” I watch as his eyes go wide, “and if that isn’t enough proof that I’m deeply in love with this woman, she’s so determined to prove to you she’s not a threat that she had the outline of an entire backpiece done a couple of days ago. She wants to be a Reaper, more than she’s wanted anything in her entire life.”
He takes in a deep breath and stands up from his seat, “Look, I want to like the girl but until Grizzly is dealt with I’m going to assume the worst. If you were in my position, you’d be doing the same thing. When that influence is out of her life, I can give her a shot, Kade, but I need you to understand the shit that Grizzly has done in the past and how it affects my mindset now.”
“I’m not an idiot, Dad. I know you always have a reason for acting a certain way, but you need to know when you’re crossing the line, and you’re doing that here. Shit, you might end up pushing the both of us away. I was gonna wait and tell you this until after Thanksgiving because that’s what Ivy and I discussed, but we’re gonna go down to the Las Vegas charter. It makes more sense for both of us.”
“What? You can’t leave. I’m retiring in a couple of years and Zane will be Prez, he’ll need you by his side.”
I sigh, hating that I have to say this right now. “Dad, I never wanted any power in the club. All I wanted was to be in the club, to be a Reaper, and I am. I don’t need the extra bullshit or responsibilities that come along with it. I see what it does to you and Cracker every day. Frankly, I don’t want it. I wanna enjoy my life, my brotherhood, and my family. I can’t do that if I’m too busy worrying about shit every day. Zane is made for it, but I’m not.”
“Wow. I never thought I’d hear that. When you kids were growin’ up, I thought you’d wanna fight your brother for the gavel.”
“I’m not a little boy anymore, Dad,” I gently remind him, taking my fists off the table. “I love you, but I need you to respect that this is something I have to do. We need to work together to ax Grizzly but I expect you to start treatin’ Ivy differently, or the both of us will be leaving a lot sooner than we had planned. Can you do me a favor, though?”
“Depends what it is,” he replies, lookin’ a bit aggravated.
“Tell the brothers to shut up for a bit when it comes to Machk. I can’t have Ivy freakin’ out, and we can deal with the other shit later. Finding out her entire life is a lie doesn’t have to be something she discovers right now.”
“Fine. I’ll handle it and we’ll worry about Ivy’s paternity after we handle the Bears.”
For the first time in weeks, I finally feel like I’m making some leeway when it comes to my dad. Maybe, just maybe, there’s still a way to salvage our relationship.
12
“Too often, the only escape is sleep.”
~Charles Bukowski
Ivy
I roll over yet again on this cold winter night. No matter how much I toss and turn, I just can’t seem to get comfortable. I’m exhausted so sleep should be coming quickly to me, but my mind is riddled with so many possibilities. Filled with things that weren’t there before, I can’t help but wonder what is the truth and what is a lie.
When I was a child, I heard the remarks made by others, but my father would tell them to shut up. Now, I think those people were right. It would only make sense if it turns out that he isn’t actually my blood. Every reason I felt disconnected from him would suddenly have a reason. It wouldn’t have all been in my head. I just wonder why my mother wouldn’t have told me. I don’t mean when I was a child, but she could have said something to me when I was older, around sixteen or so. Fuck, she and I used to keep things from my father and brother solely because they have the same mindset.
I think back to her and the emotions flood over me. How much I miss her. How I wish she were here. I want to know what happened to her, however, I don’t think I’ll ever get my answers. She’s been missing for years now, disappeared after her and my father got into an argument. I’d like to think he didn’t kill her, that she ran off like he said, but I’ll never know the truth. He was so adamant that she was a bitch who left us, went off to go find a new family, said she regretted ever being with him.
I can’t blame her for having those feelings. If the roles were reversed, I’d probably say the exact same thing. Still, to this day, I ponder about how the two of them even met. Never once was I told the story of how their love grew and they formed a bond. Instead, they just always seemed to exist. As I grew older, the realities of this life seeped into my brain. If I had to put my finger on it, I’d say that she sort of fell into his life. It happens far too much these days.
My mom isn’t a bad person, she’s a complete one-eighty from my father. Even though she’s been missing for years, I refuse to say that she was anything, because I don’t have confirmation that she’s gone. I will allow hope to continue on and long for the day that she may come back. If she’s not dead, she will come back. At least, that’s what I’ve told myself for this past couple of years.
I stretch my arm out to the other side of the bed and feel nothing. It strikes me as odd, and I turn to grab my phone off the bedside table. Lifting it up, I’m blinded by the bright light and curse at myself for not putting the damn thing on night mode—you know, the yellowish screen that shields your eyes. After my eyes adjust, I see that it’s a little past two in the morning. My stomach turns into a knot and I wonder where the hell Kade is. Last night, I talked to Frank and Raven for what felt like hours. I was too emotionally drained to go find Kade, so I came straight into the room and laid down. It looks like I fell straight asleep.
I push the covers off my body and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I’m in a pair of black leggings and a long sleeve shirt, so I don’t have to worry about covering up my body with anything else. For the most part, no one will see my scars.
Stretching my arms over my head, I muster up the courage to get up at this ungodly hour and see if I can find him. For all I know, he could be passed out on the couch. It’s not the first time he’s had a late night with the boys and just zonked out right then and there. Kade isn’t an old man, but he sure as hell isn’t a twenty-year-old who can handle his liquor like a champ.
Walking over to the bedroom door, I open it and walk down the hallway. There are still a couple of lights on around the club which is surprising at this hour. Normally, if there’s not some sort of party going on, it’s as dark as a horror movie in this joint. I continue going down the hallway until I reach the opening of the living area and see Bull leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. Never have I seen him smoke. Honestly, I didn’t think he was into those cancer sticks.
�
�Picking up a nasty habit?” I ask, raising my brow in nothing but pure judgment.
He chuckles lowly, taking the cigarette from his mouth. “You see, Ivy, menthols and I have had a relationship since I was about thirteen. Never has the bitch let me down, not once.”
“Ah, I’ve never seen you smoke until today,” I reply, walking over to the couch that sits a few feet away from him.
“Yeah, well, to be fair, you’re hardly outta that damn room of yours.”
“Touche, point taken, my friend.” I look around the room for a bit and notice that no one else is here. It’s just Bull which makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as an eerie feeling washes over me. “Where is everyone?”
“They went out on a run. Connor was spotted on the west side of town, so, everyone peeled out about an hour ago.”
I feel a bit odd at the moment. Part of me is wondering why I don’t feel nervous for my brother, but I know that’s only because he’s done a damn good job at giving me the same misery our father does. Connor has turned into him, sometimes worse depending on the day or situation. At this point, I don’t have any sympathy left for either of them. All of it went out the window the day they cut into me.
Shit, I think about how far I’ve come in these few short weeks. I wouldn’t leave my room and now I’m gaining the courage to venture further into the club when Kade isn’t even around. I’ve learned many hard lessons in life and the one that speaks to me the most right now is this — our past doesn’t define us. Every morning when I get up, I silently remind myself of that. It helps me continue on throughout the day.
“Have you heard anything yet?”
Bull shrugs. “No, probably won’t for a bit, darlin’. If they caught up with him, it means that I won’t hear jack shit for a while.”
“Yeah . . . not to be rude, but why are you still here? You’re the enforcer. Shouldn’t you be with them?”
“Not when the most precious possessions are here at the club, and I’m not talkin’ about the guns, sweetie. I’m talkin’ about you ladies and kids. Our family is more important to us than our thirst for revenge, so I’ll stay here and protect the group of ya for as long as I need to.”
In all my life, I’ve never witnessed such a thing. Clubs always want the enforcer on the front lines with them when it comes to fucking up someone’s day, but not Fist. He obviously ordered Bull to stay behind and that makes me respect him a bit more. Thinking of Fist, I know our relationship will be rocky for a while but I’m hopeful that it will get better over time. I laugh to myself, knowing that there’s no way it can get any worse. I can only hope that one day, he sees me for me, and not the woman he thinks I am.
“You doin’ a bit better, with everything that’s happened and all that?” Bull’s question comes out of the blue.
“Yeah, I think so. Things are getting a bit normal, I think. I’m just sad that Raven got shot. She likes living here at the clubhouse, though, and so does Frank. He doesn’t mind being surrounded by hot men.” I giggle at the end of it, imagining how this must be like heaven for him.
“She still got a job and all that? Fuck, I guess I should be asking for you too.”
“Yeah, the owner of the bar is keeping it closed indefinitely on account of Marty passing away. I think it has to do with insurance and other shit like that. Who knows if it’ll even open back up.”
“What’s the fear, that someone will sue him?”
“I guess so. From what I know, he didn’t have any family left.”
Bull shakes his head once. “You’re right, he doesn’t. Not unless his sister decides he’s suddenly important to her, but she stopped talking to him before they died. You know how people are, though. Watch her come out of the woodworks to try and get some money.”
“You’re probably right. People are fuckin’ jokes these days,” I mutter lowly, trying not to get heated. It pisses me off if something like that were to even happen, people have some nerve thinking that they have the right to shit when they weren’t even around for the person that loved them when it mattered.
“That they are, kid. Fuck, I’m likin’ you a little bit more now. You don’t hold your tongue, and I admire that shit.”
I didn’t use to be like this before. “I got tired of keeping my mouth shut.” It’s not much of a response but at least it’s something.
“Yeah, I don’t blame you. Where’s the fun in life when we gotta keep our traps shut? People need to tell it like it is, and I like that about ya. Fuck, I think I might even miss you when you leave.”
Huh? Did he just say what I think he did? “What do you mean?”
“Fist, he told us you and Kade are leaving to go down to Las Vegas after Thanksgiving.”
Wow. I didn’t even have a clue that Kade told his father about that. I kinda blabbed it to Ashley though so I can’t be too upset. I guess we both must’ve been speaking out of emotion. “Yeah, I mean that’s the plan.”
Bull gives me a half smile, bringing the cigarette back to his lips as he speaks. “I don’t blame either one of ya for wanting a fresh start. Fuck, if you ask me, the two of ya need it. Kade feels like he’s living in his father’s shadow, and you’re dealing with a mountain of bullshit for being the princess of the Bears. You two need a new city and some fresh air to really work. If you stay here, you’ll just suffocate that flame you call love.”
“I never took you for the poetic type, Bull,” I chuckle, “but thanks. I think I needed to hear that.”
“You sure as fuck did, kid. I’m a damn genius. Didn’t ya know? Or maybe I’m a psychic. No matter, whatever comes out of this mouth is life changing shit.”
I throw my head back and cackle, laughing like I haven’t in ages. I didn’t think I’d miss much when we leave, but now, I think I’m going to miss a good friend named Bull.
13
The world if full of monster with friendly faces and angel full of scars.
~Quotes ‘nd Notes
Kade
“This shit is taking too fuckin’ long!” Zane hisses under his breath, whining like a little bitch of a schoolgirl. I wanna knock his teeth out ‘cause it’s not like he has anything tying him to Grizzly other than the shit between our father and what happened to Ashley.
As a brother, I hated finding out that Grizzly was behind everything that put Ashley with her abusive ex-husband-piece-of-shit, but it only made sense after we discovered the truth behind their marriage. Harry was always working with Grizzly from the beginning, being some sort of hidden spy. I really think they were trying to fucking kill her.
If she hadn’t driven to us that night . . . fuck, she’d be dead. But it’s not only that. I’m not just angry because of what my sister went through. I’m pissed because of what Ivy has had to endure, and I want this fuckin’ shit to stop here and now. I can guarantee that if I get my hands on Connor, it’ll all end today.
“Be patient, brother,” I grumble back, staring at the bar that Connor’s been spotted at. Zane and I are in a truck parked across the street, watching closely for any sort of indication that he’s coming out the front door. Dad and Cracker are in the alley out back with Dracus and Tex on the opposite end of the alley. Grim and Zorro are on the other end of town in case he somehow slips by, and we have the same set up for Axel and Bolt only a couple of miles away. Regardless, we’re prepared for whatever the fuck happens. Connor is pretty fuckin’ stupid if he thinks we weren’t going to hear about him coming into town.
“He has some fuckin’ nerve rolling back into town when he just shot it up. What I wanna know is why no one called the fuckin’ cops.”
I turn my head to look at him, wondering how my brother can be so stupid. “They didn’t call the cops ‘cause they don’t want him rotting in jail. They want him dead, Zane. Better for us to get him before the sheriff gets him in handcuffs and he’s locked away forever. We’d miss our opportunity.”
“That’s a load of crap. We have friends on the inside. There isn’t a place that this fucker
can hide. One way or another, we’re getting him.” Now that I think about it, Zane is right. Connor just won’t get the option to go to jail, because we’ll be grabbing his ass tonight.
“Who’s that?” The second Zane asks the question, I see a man in some Columbia style jacket exiting the bar. He has a beanie on his head, shielding him from the cold Montana air but he looks like Connor.
I grab my cell and call my friend Hammer, who’s been trying to prospect with the club. Hammer is actually his last name and he used to be an athlete. The name suits him so no one has ever called him any different. He was the quarterback of our local high school, who got a full ride to college on an athletic scholarship. Made it into the NFL and got hurt his second year in. He took a really bad hit to the neck that resulted in a spinal injury. He recovered but was advised to no longer play for the league again.
Doctor’s couldn’t clear him knowing the damage that had already taken place and the potential of what could happen if he were hit in the right spot again. It was far too much liability. Shortly after it was made public that he’d never be able to play again, he came straight back here. The entire town felt for him. It was his way out and because of a bad play, where some shit happened, Hammer ended up suffering immeasurably.
“Yo?” Hammer always has a way of greeting like some young kid, but he still is one, and I need to remember that.
“You still in town, by the bar?” I ask. I texted him earlier telling him a way to possibly get my father’s attention as a potential prospect— help us tonight. Hammer was eager and jumped at the opportunity.
“Are you fuckin’ blind? Do you not see my ass freezing out here for y’all?” I hear the bitchiness in his voice and hold back my laughter, looking around the town as my eyes land on him. He’s smoking a cigarette, standing against the brick of the same bar Connor just walked out of.
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