If my mother were alive, I know what she’d say. She’d want me to keep this baby and love it because it’s a part of me, but I can’t do that. It might make me seem like an awful woman, but the thought of it makes me want to vomit. The idea of looking down at a child whose biological father raped me while unconscious . . . I can’t fathom that. And, I know what I’d do. I’d resent the child for it, which isn’t fair.
The door to my exam room comes open and the happily smiling Dr. Winter comes walking over to me after she shuts the door. “I thought you’d have a smile on your face or be happy. You’re not a young child anymore, Ivy. You’re prepared for this.”
I take in a deep breath, balling my hands into a fist as I meet my eyes with her own. “If the circumstances were different I would be.”
She takes my hand, searching for answers. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but know that you can.”
Dr. Winter has been in my life since I was thirteen years old, since the first time I got my period. She was here for me when my mom went missing and checked in on me from time to time. Honestly, she’s done more for me than any doctor should. She’s more of a friend than a physician.
“I found out so much of my life isn’t what I thought, and I don’t know where to start,” I admit, trying to think of the easiest way to say any of this.
She pulls the short, circular chair with wheels over to her and takes a seat. “You take your time and start where you think is best. I have an hour before my next appointment comes in.”
I take a couple of minutes and gather my thoughts, starting at the beginning, or what I believe is the beginning. “I’m going to make this incredibly long story short, so please bear with me. I met a man and his name is Kade. We met a while back after I had run off from Grizzly’s club. I never told you I was hiding in the Reapers territory to escape him, but I was.
“Kade is something that wasn’t planned, but we fell in love with each other and then figured out one another's identity. That’s when things got confusing, but neither of us wanted to end anything. Fast forward a little bit and Grizzly and my brother grab me, torture me at the club and leave me there bleeding. The Reapers saved me, cleaned me up, and took care of me while I healed. I’ve been living with them ever since, but over the last few days, my entire life has come crashing down. Everything I thought I knew was nothing but a fabricated lie.”
Dr. Winter looks at me with sadness in her eyes. “What do you mean, sweetheart?”
“God, this is all so hard to say. I found out yesterday that Grizzly isn’t my biological father, Connor killed our mother, and when I became unconscious while they were all torturing me, I was raped. The kicker is, I discovered I was pregnant a couple of days ago and thought it was Kade’s. When the reality is anything but that.”
“Well, we don’t know that for sure and there’s only one way we’re going to. I’m going to conduct a transvaginal ultrasound so we can measure the fetus and see how far along you actually are. At that point, we can narrow down a possible conception date and find out if it is Kade’s or if it’s the result of your rape.”
The next few minutes pass very quickly as she rolls some machine over to me, slides a plastic condom looking thing over the probe that must be going inside me in a moment. She turns on a machine and a black screen comes up. I watch her grab a tube and squirt some clear jelly on the probe. It’s the same shit she puts on the metal stuff they use to spread our insides apart during our annual appointment.
“This is going to be cold, so just be warned.”
When I first was taken back to the room, the nurse had me remove the clothes below my waist. I already knew this was going to happen after I had the conversation with her and at least this makes it a little bit easier. I scoot down and stick my feet in the stirrups that come from the chair. Dr. Winter inserts the probe inside me and turns the screen to her, “Ah, hmm.”
“What are you mumbling on about?” I ask, needing her to give me some peace of mind.
“When did the incident happen?
Thinking back, I try to narrow it down. “About six weeks ago,”
She turns the screen towards me and I grab it with my hand, pushing it back. There’s no way I can see this baby. No way. The second I see it, I’ll want to be that better person, but I know myself. I know I’ll choose to carry it to term and raise it, but my anger and hatred will come through. I’ll end up treating the child worse than Grizzly ever treated me. That is what I’m afraid of.
“No, Ivy. This fetus is over nine weeks. Look!” She turns the screen toward me and shows me an orb that contains a small baby. I can make out its head and see how it drifts into a body, even picking up on the small details of its legs.
“How certain are you?”
“Well, I’ve only been an OBGYN for fifteen years, so I’m pretty certain. Your baby is right on target as far as measurements go. Now, let’s turn on the sound and listen to this strong heartbeat of theirs.” Before I can get a word out, the room is filled with the strong “thump thump thump” of my baby’s heartbeat.
Tears well behind my eyes because I was so determined this was a baby conceived from rape after Kade told me what happened. Now, the joy I was first feeling can finally come back. I can get excited again, and more importantly, I can tell Kade. He’ll be overjoyed! “Holy shit. What do I do now?”
“You’ve been taking prenatals, right?”
I shake my head, “No, but I’ll pick some up right after I leave.”
“Good, and you can only have fish twice a week. You can’t eat anything raw like sushi, and you can only have pasteurized cheeses. No deli meats because there’s the possibility of contracting listeria. No undercooked beef, other than that, you’re fine. I expect to see you here a month from now, which will be right at the end of your first trimester.”
“I don’t have to do anything else?” I question, raising an eyebrow.
“No, you just have to make sure you’re eating and staying hydrated but I think you have that covered, hun.” Dr. Winter smiles brightly at me, clicks a few times on the machine until I hear a printing sound. While they’re printing, she takes the probe out of me, strips the plastic condom off, and throws it in the trash. She takes off her gloves and tosses those in the trash can next to the machine. “These are for you and Kade to look at.” She hands me photographs of my child.
“Feel free to get dressed and I’ll get your next appointment scheduled. Meet me out front.” Dr. Winter leaves the room and shuts the door behind her. I put on my panties and grab my jeans, then slide my shoes on, grab my jacket, and head out the door to the front of the office.
She’s standing behind the counter with her sweet receptionist, Olivia. “Here’s your appointment card and we’ll see you a month from now.”
I head out the door, taking Kade’s truck keys from my jacket pocket and start walking through the door. That’s when I spot him, leaning against it, looking more furious than I’ve ever seen him before. “Did you really come here to do this alone?” he seethes. “I wanted to be here for you. Jesus, Ivy. Why do you always insist on going about things the hard way?”
“Will you shut up and let me talk?” I hiss, feeling the sudden surge of pregnancy hormones I’ve learned to understand over the last few days.
Kade’s eyes go wide, but he doesn’t say a word. Honestly, he’s probably just getting aggravated at this point, not that I care.
I yank out the photos and hand them to him, “Our baby is nine weeks. This isn’t what we thought it was, and I’m going to keep it.”
He stares at the pictures in disbelief, skimming through photo after photo. Kade remains quiet, raising his brows while he puts a hand over his mouth. “Holy fuck. I can’t believe this.”
18
You don’t know me, you only know what I allow you to know.
~Quotes ’Nd Notes
Ivy
Over the last two days, Kade and I have kept to ourselves, really focusing on taking all of this
in. The child growing inside my womb is ours, and not something created from hate or spite. To say this has been overwhelming is a drastic understatement. Every day it gets a bit easier when it comes to acceptance but now, I’m really starting to feel my emotions flare up with the nausea. Morning sickness and I have become far too acquainted quite quickly. The only thing is, the whole ‘morning’ thing is the biggest joke I’ve ever heard of. It doesn’t just hit you in the morning, but at the most random parts of the day.
Today, Kade and I have gone into town. It’s the first day it hasn’t snowed and everyone is finally getting the roads cleaned up. Things in Billings are settling down a little bit after Marty’s untimely death and for the most part, we haven’t heard a peep when it comes to the Bears MC. I’ve asked Kade to keep me updated on anything he does hear, but he hasn’t said a word which makes me think that we just might be in the clear right now.
Fist wanted the three of us to go out to dinner and it made me feel a bit odd. He’s never wanted to be alone with me before, so why would he want to do this now? I mean, we’re not going to be alone since Kade is with us, but we won’t be surrounded by members of the club.
“I could eat an entire cow,” Fist mutters, overlooking the menu at the best steakhouse we have in town. They serve everything from beef, bison, chicken, to fresh lobster. “What’re you gonna have, Ivy?”
“I’m thinking about the barbeque bison burger, with swiss cheese and some caramelized onions. Sounds so good.” My mouth practically waters as I talk about it. I’m more focused on the food than Fist actually asking me a question. I feel like I’m in some sort of dream like I’ve obviously missed something.
Kade wraps his arm around me as his eyes scan over the menu, “I think this land and sea option looks good. It’ll let me pick a cut of beef and lobster, plus two sides, and a soup.” He looks right at me, knowing how I’ve been picking apart his food over the last couple days. My hunger strikes me at the oddest times and I’m figuring out that if I eat every couple of hours, it’s easier on my stomach and I can avoid getting overly nauseous.
Surveying the area, I take in the new renovations to the restaurant. It’s everything that embodies our great state of Montana. Iron beams go across the room, giving it an industrial feel while the honey-stained wood comes from the high parts of the vaulted ceiling. The booth we’re sitting in is a deep red colored padding, while the same honey-stain coats the table. All around the bar it continues this, showing the rustic and homey parts of Montana. My favorite part is how they managed to have Einstein type lightbulbs come down over the tables, making it feel a little modern and contemporary with this classic touch.
A short blonde woman comes up to our table, smiling a little too widely at Kade. “What can I get for ya, pumpkin?”
Fuck if I’m going to let him respond to her. I place my arm on his leg, very close to his cock so she can tell that my man is taken. “He’ll have a land and sea, well-done steak with mashed potatoes and green beans, and he wants a broccoli cheddar soup. I, on the other hand, would love a barbeque bison burger with caramelized onions, well-done, with curly fries. Thanks.” I plaster on the fakest smile I can muster up.
“I’ll just get what she ordered,” Fist chuckles out, handing his menu over to the blonde bimbo. She walks away without even taking our drink order, further pissing me off.
“I wonder if she’s new on the job,” I grumble out, staring at her walking back into the kitchen and out of our side.
“Could be, sure didn’t ask for our drinks or any of that. But you were kinda bitchy to her,” Kade laughs.
“I was not. She was doing what bitches do and I wasn’t gonna put up with it,” I grumble out, keeping my eyes peeled out for this bitch. I’ve really started to become super angry as of late. Out of nowhere, I just want to choke people. It must be the pregnancy hormones, but I’m still getting used to them.
“I’m gonna run to the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” Kade says to his father and I. He scoots out of the booth and leaves me alone with Fist.
“So, we’re finally alone,” Fist says, slowly grazing his eyes over me. “I was going to wait and talk to you about this, given everything that’s going on, but since we’re alone it seems fitting to talk to you now.”
“Talk to me about what?”
“I wanted to apologize for acting the way I have been these last few weeks. It’s been fucked up, and I shouldn’t have treated you like this. I’m ashamed of the way I’ve acted and I hope that you and I can work on building up our relationship.”
I’m in complete shock at his words, not quite sure where he’s coming from when a bout of nausea takes over me. I didn’t see where the bathrooms were, so I slide out of the booth and dart straight for the front door, shoving it open and upchuck on the sidewalk. In the summer months, this is normally where the restaurant has some plants or greenery growing, but not in the frigid temperatures like this.
The swinging of the door opens behind me while I continue to throw up and I feel my hair being held up in a bun on the back of my head. “You alright?” Much to my surprise, it’s not Kade’s voice, but his father’s that greets me.
“Yeah, I . . . I’m pregnant.” I say, putting my hands on my knees, breathing in and out a few times before.
“Oh, uh, how far along are you?” Something in his voice makes me feel like he might’ve already known. I thought I’d been discreet when I’ve had nausea hit me while in the club, but obviously that can’t be the case.
I stand up straight and turn around to him. “Nine and a half weeks or so. Sorry, we can get back inside. This happens sometimes and I have mints in my clutch. I could really use one right now.” I chuckle at the end, trying to be a little bit humorous.
Fist opens the door for me and we both walk back to the booth we were just sitting at a few minutes ago. Kade is back at the table, sitting with drinks in front of him. I see something yellow and am praying to God that it’s lemonade. I could kill a bitch for some lemonade right now.
Walking up to him, I slide into the booth and sit on the outside. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply, offering a small smile. I reach over him and grab my purse, open it and pop a couple of mints in my mouth.
“Ivy told me the good news, that she’s nine weeks pregnant.” Yet again, there’s something in the way that Fist talks which makes me feel a bit weird. He must’ve known I was pregnant. I guess I’m not very discreet when it comes to my morning sickness or nausea. “Are you two still thinking of moving down to Vegas?”
Fist’s question catches me off guard. Since Kade and I found out, we haven’t talked about changing our plans, but having a child changes everything. “I think we need to talk about it a bit more,” I say quickly, looking to Kade. “Things are different now with the baby and all.”
“Yeah, we need to talk about it,” Kade agrees, rubbing his hand on the back of my shoulder.
We chat a little bit longer about some small, minuscule things and I feel like I can finally see the light that’s at the end of the tunnel. I thought Fist was literally driving Kade and I away from Montana, and even though this is the start of forming a relationship with one another, I’m going to be optimistic. I really don’t think we can go wrong from here. Apologies have been made and we’re putting our best foot forward, if you ask me.
“Hey, guys! Here’s your food.” The blonde girl comes back, sitting the boys’ food down first and brings me back some sort of egg burger.
“Uh, is that what you ordered babe?” Kade asks, looking down at the Texas toast style burger that has a scrambled egg, cheddar cheese, and meat.
I decide not to let this get to me and eat the burger. “It’s fine, I’ll just eat this one,” I say, smiling.
“Weird how you managed to bring me out the correct burger when I ordered what my daughter-in-law did, missy,” Fist says to the girl, who doesn’t fret at all.
“It’s fine guys, really. Not a big deal at all. It is cooked w
ell-done, correct?”
“It sure is, honey!”
“Awesome. Thanks,” I say, and the woman starts to walk off as I take my first bite. The second I pull the burger away from my face, I see the pinkest flesh I’ve ever seen and know this burger is fucking rare. I spit my food out onto my plate and decide enough is enough. “I’m over this shit.” I hiss under my breath and grab a chunk of burger with my right hand, get up from the booth and march straight over to her.
“Oh shit,” slips from Kade’s mouth as I walk away.
“Hey, hun. I think you got a little confused,” I say to her as she turns around and right as she starts to talk, I take my right hand and shove the burger in her stupid fuckin’ mouth. “You see, I just asked you if it was well-done and this is the rarest meat I’ve ever eaten. Here’s the thing, I’m pregnant, bitch, and do you know what raw meat can do to a baby? Do you?” I grab her by the back of the head and slam her into the bartop, not giving a fuck as the bartender’s mouth goes into an ‘O’.
“Babe. I think she gets the point,” Kade says from behind me.
“I don’t know if she has. She still seems like a pretty arrogant bitch if you ask me, honey.”
She coughs, spitting out the burger meat onto the ground and starts to crawl behind the bar. “I get it! I’m so sorry!”
I’m not the same Ivy who went through a world full of shit. I’m different now because I’ve found my strength and I will never allow anyone else to walk all over me ever again.
19
I was quiet, but I was not blind.
~Unknown
Kade
It’s been three hours since dinner, and an uncanny feeling washes over me. It’s been far too quiet since all the shit with Connor, and my gut is telling me something is wrong. Dad calling church out of the blue just affirms my feelings.
Kade Page 11