“Porter?” Levi called one evening as he slammed the door behind him, blasting into the quiet room.
“Yeah?”
I was sitting at the cramped desk, just a few pages from finishing a Tana French mystery.
“How are you doing, baby?” he asked, swooping in to kiss my neck.
I shrugged, still looking down at the book. “Fine.”
“Hmm,” he said, clearly not buying it.
I dog-eared the page I was on and closed the book. Turning, I caught Levi’s eyes. “What’s up?”
“I thought you might want to come out to dinner with me,” he said.
I quirked an eyebrow. “Out there?”
“If by out there you mean outside of this room, then yeah.”
I grimaced. “I don’t know, Levi.”
“Come on, baby, you’ve barely seen the city at all,” he wheedled.
“I’ve seen enough other cities on this tour, I highly doubt Philadelphia is going to blow me away,” I said.
I knew it was not fair to take out my stress on Levi. It certainly was not his fault that my picture was all over the internet. We were equally responsible for our actions in New York.
But I was so very afraid. Afraid of being recognized. Afraid of being photographed again. Afraid of losing my mind.
I was not a person who dealt with stress well on a normal day, and the obscene amount of scrutiny by total strangers was devastating my mental health.
“Well,” said Levi, “I think it would be good for you.”
My chest began to tighten, and to my horror I felt tears threatening to prick my eyes.
“I don’t think I can,” I admitted in a small voice.
“What do you mean?” asked Levi, his hand carding through my hair.
I struggled to find the words to explain. My vision was beginning to tunnel slightly.
“I just…I can’t do it,” I rasped. “I’m…oh god, please Levi don’t ask me to—”
He pulled me up to my feet and guided me over to the bed, wrapping his arms around me as we sat on the edge.
“Just take a deep breath,” he instructed. A small part of me that wasn’t yet consumed with anxiety was amused by how much he sounded like me.
“Please, please…” I gasped.
The world was pulsing slightly in my vision, and I sucked in huge, uneven breaths. I knew I was sliding toward hyperventilation, but I could not stop it.
“Porter, baby, you don’t have to do anything except breath. Come on, in one-two-three. Out one-two-three-four. Good.”
Levi—my lovely Levi—led me through several more rounds of deep breathing. While his voice flickered in and out of focus, my mind drifted from cramped panicky thoughts—oh no, I messed up, this is bad, there is no way to fix this—to a bizarre sort of thoughtlessness where his words just washed over me. It was like getting whiplash, careening from one extreme to the other. I lost track of how long we were sitting there as I freaked out.
At long, long last I emerged from my panic to find the shreds of our night around me.
“Levi,” I said, drawing his name out. It felt so good dripping from my lips. Fresh air finally reaching my lungs in the form of his name.
“Porter?”
“I think I need to stay here tonight,” I told him, my voice very small.
It hurt to see the disappointment flash across his face. He tried to hide it, because he cared about me, but it was there clear as day. God, I felt horrible. I did not want to ruin this tour for him, but there I was, losing my mind because he had asked me out to dinner.
I’m such a mess, I don’t even know why he is with me, I thought.
“I get it,” Levi said, trying desperately not to sound sad. He failed, of course, and my heart ached.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I wish I could do it, I just…I can’t. Not tonight.”
“I know, I shouldn’t’ve asked,” he said.
“It’s not that,” I hurried to say. “It’s just that the thought of leaving…it makes me panic. I don’t know why I can’t handle this, you seem to be just fine.”
“Well, it’s not exactly fair to compare yourself to me. I perform onstage for fun, I’m used to people staring at me. I know that that’s not how you’re wired,” he told me.
“I just wish I wasn’t like this,” I muttered.
“Porter, I care about you so much. I don’t want you to be anything other than what you are. Okay?”
It was nearly impossible to believe him. How could he want someone like me? I was an absolute mess, falling apart in a string of hotel rooms, descending into anxiety multiple times a day, succumbing to the pressures of my partner’s rock star lifestyle.
“You don’t need to stay with me,” I said. “You should go out, enjoy Philadelphia. This is your first tour, I don’t want you to waste all your time in hotel rooms just because I’m incapable of keeping my shit together.”
Levi scrunched up his nose.
“Um, not to be rude but can you fuck off with the self-hate? You’re talking about the man I’m…having a lot of big feels for. Okay? You’re perfect and beautiful and brilliant and I don’t ever wanna hear you tearing yourself down. Especially not on my account. So, rein it in, Porter, because we’re gonna have a goddamn picnic on the floor of this hotel room.”
“A picnic?” I asked, startled.
It had almost sounded for a second there like he was going to say…did I dare even think it? That he might have been about to say that I was the man he was falling in love with?
“Yes, Porter, it’s where you sit on a blanket and eat cheese and baguettes and shit,” he said primly.
“Yeah, I know what a picnic is,” I said dazedly. “I just—are you sure?”
There were butterflies in my stomach. Talk about going from one extreme to the other.
He was tapping away at his phone but paused to smile up at me. “Of course I’m sure. Cooper will be here with food in about half an hour. Here, help me pull this comforter onto the floor.”
Washington, DC was where it really went downhill.
I was sitting in the bus just as the show was supposed to be ending. I didn’t dare go into the venue in case anybody recognized me, so I was playing a game on my phone and wondering how long it would take the band to actually get back to the bus. Then I got a text from Cooper.
>>COOPER: Can you give us a hand?
>>PORTER: What do you need?
>>COOPER: One of the techs twisted his ankle, can you help load up some equipment?
I bit my lip. Leaving the bus was the last thing I wanted to do. But I was getting paid for this gig, and part of my job description included helping out with random tasks as needed. I supposed filling in for an injured tech counted as “as needed”.
>>PORTER: On it
I headed in through the backstage door, flashing my pass at the security guard, and hustled toward the stage. The crew had this down to a science, and I started picking up neatly coiled cords. We all worked quickly and efficiently, toting things out to the buses and jogging back in to grab more. I caught sight of Eddie throwing back a shot in the green room as I passed, and she waved at me merrily. It took about an hour to get everything packed up, and when I finished I found that the band still wasn’t on the bus.
Well…I knew where they were. Would it hurt to hustle back to the green room and see if they were ready to go? I gnawed on my lip, accidentally drawing blood, but in the end, I decided that it was the best thing to do. I did not want to end up sitting in the bus for much longer anyways, alone with my increasingly distressing thoughts. Maybe I could hurry them along.
“Porter!” called Eddie when I appeared in the doorway.
“Hey,” I said, looking around nervously.
There were about ten people there in all, drinking and laughing. Levi was in the middle of telling a very animated story to a stranger, and I tilted my head toward him.
“Who is Levi talking to?” I asked.
Eddie grinned. �
��That’s one of the higher-ups from Pigeon Kiss Media. They’re talking a multi-album contract.”
“Oh my god,” I said, my eyes widening. “Are you serious? You guys must be over the moon.”
“Who us? No, we’re very cool and collected,” she said, winking. Then she leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “I am going out of my motherfucking mind.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I said with a smile.
I was trying very hard to stay focused on my conversation with Eddie and not on all the strangers in the room. My heart kept threatening to beat out of my chest, and it was only through sheer force of will—and the distraction of Eddie—that I refrained from having a total meltdown.
“We’re proud of you too, buddy,” she said, somewhat nonsensically.
I nodded absently.
“So, uh…I guess you’ll be hanging out here for a while?” I asked.
“Probably. We weren’t expecting these guys to be here tonight,” she said. “But they happened to be in town and wanted to check us out in person before making anything official. It’s crazy how this shit works, right?”
“Yeah, crazy,” I replied. “Listen, do you think—”
“Porter! Hey!” came Levi’s voice from across the room.
Oh god.
I turned slowly and sort of waved at him.
Wow, how awkward, I thought.
“Come over here for a sec,” Levi called.
I raised an eyebrow at Eddie, my heart pounding away in my chest.
“You’d better go,” she said. “Before his drunk ass starts sweet talking you at full volume from all the way over there.”
“You don’t think he would actually do that, do you?” I asked, slightly panicked.
Then I heard Levi say, “Hold on, I’m gonna go grab—”
“Yes, yes, I’m here,” I said hurrying over to him before he could say anything incriminating.
Oh boy.
There I was, face-to-face with someone really important from Pigeon Kiss Media, and he was looking me up and down as if trying to remember where he had seen me before.
Oh god, oh god, oh god…
“Porter, is it?” he asked politely, extending his hand.
I shook it, praying that my palm was not sweaty.
“Yeah, Porter Hansen,” I said.
“Porter’s the one who saved the tour at the last minute,” Levi said cheerfully.
“How’s that?” asked the other man.
“I’m driving the bus,” I told him. “They were in a bit of a pinch when I met Levi, so I agreed to join all this craziness.”
I gestured at the mayhem all around us. There was another round of shots circulating and someone was just lighting a joint.
“Well, welcome aboard, we’re glad to have you,” the man said.
Did I miss his name? I thought frantically. Oh no, this is too much, I can’t…
“Have you worked with Pigeon Kiss Media in the past?” he asked. “You look very familiar.”
“Oh, uh, no—”
Levi clapped me on the back, all happy and drunk. “He just has one of those faces,” he announced.
The man’s face lit up in recognition. “Oh, I’ve got it. You’re the guy who’s responsible for all the extra hours I’ve been working this week. I mostly work on the PR side, I’ve been shutting down all the tabloids that wanted to post those pictures of the two of you.”
Everything seemed to crash down around me.
He had only spent twenty seconds with me and he knew exactly who I was. God, if he could recognize me that easily, it would not be hard for anyone with access to the internet to spot me as well. Everything was just as bad as I had feared. God. I had to get out of there.
“It’s, uh…I have to go,” I mumbled, already backing away.
“I’m sorry, that was blunt, I shouldn’t have—”
But I was across the room, making a beeline for the door. I did not want to surrender to panic in front of so many other people, and the press of bodies was making me dizzy.
I might have gotten completely lost if it had not been for Cooper, who found me stumbling down a dark hallway.
“Porter, what’s going on?” he asked, his smile dropping away to reveal concern as he got a look at my face.
I shook my head, not sure that I would be able to form words.
“I…I…”
“Hey, slow down,” said Cooper, guiding me over to lean against a wall.
I closed my eyes, willing myself to be anywhere but there. I wanted to be at home, with my crazy roommates in our ramshackle lavender Victorian.
“He knew who I was,” I gasped, my eyes flicking open once more.
“Who did?” asked Cooper, his eyebrows knitting together.
“That…that guy…the PR guy…”
God, I needed to get out of there.
“Who, Todd?” asked Cooper. “Shit, I’m sorry. He’s brilliant at his job, but he’s kind of a dumbass when it comes to interacting with people. What did he say to you?”
I shook my head to clear it. “He said…um…he said something about tabloid covers? But Cooper—he saw me and he knew who I was. Everyone is going to know and I…I don’t know what to do…god…”
“Hey,” said Cooper, reaching out to plant a grounding hand on my shoulder. “Look at me, Porter. His job for the past week has been all about you and Levi. He’s probably had to look at those stupid pictures a million times because he’s shutting down as many articles as he can, okay? He realized who you were because he has been working hard to protect your privacy this week. I’m sorry that he spoke to you like that, and I’ll talk to him about it. But I don’t want you to think this is indicative of anything. Nobody else has spotted you yet, okay? We’re working to keep you safe.”
I nodded, rubbing at my running nose. God, when had I started crying? There were tear tracks drying on my cheeks, and a rough sob rolled through my body. I did not even have the energy to be embarrassed about crying in front of Cooper. I just stood there, trying to find some way to tether myself before I floated away into the thorny confines of my own brain.
“I don’t know what to do,” I told him again.
“I know,” said Cooper. “This is…an impossible situation for you. I get that. But it’s going to be okay. And you know that you can leave at any time if it gets to be too much. I’ll make sure there aren’t any repercussions for breaking your contract.”
I sniffed loudly. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”
“Okay,” said Cooper patiently. “What is it then?”
I sucked in a deep breath. Was Cooper the right person to say this to?
“I’m falling in love with Levi,” I said quietly.
The words seemed to hang in the air between us, glittery and cursive.
To my immense surprise, Cooper didn’t say anything to me. Instead, he just broke into a huge smile before leaning forward and hugging me tightly.
“Cooper?” I mumbled against his chest.
“Hug me back, you incredible man,” Cooper said with a laugh.
My arms came up to embrace him and I just sank into the hug.
“Are you—”
“Porter, you know that Levi is one of my favorite people in the world, right?” he asked, pulling back at last. “I don’t really vocalize that very often, but he’s so important to me. And what I want for him, even more than for him to achieve his dream of being a rock star, is for him to be happy. I’m working to make both of those things possible at the same time. But I see how happy you make him, and it warms my heart.”
“Uh…thanks,” I mumbled.
“He really, truly cares about you, you know. I’m so glad to hear that you feel the same way,” said Cooper.
“I don’t want to leave him,” I said.
“Okay,” replied Cooper. “So, let’s think of some ways that we can make the rest of the tour less stressful for you. It’s less than two months, you know. Come on, there’s an empty room o
ver this way, we can come up with a contingency plan…”
Richmond was just more of the same old slog. It’s weird how something that causes so much upheaval in your life can become routine so quickly. I was hypervigilant whenever I left the hotel, I dressed to conceal myself whenever possible, and I spent a lot of time wondering how I was going to last two more months like that.
But my relationship with Levi was so precious, so fragile with its newness, and I could not bear the thought of leaving him.
When we got to Raleigh, I did something that I had been putting off since I left home. I Skyped my roommates.
I had been trying to reach Dom, but it was Finley’s face that popped up when the video chat connected.
“Porter goddamn Hansen!” crowed Finley.
He was shirtless, wearing just a pair of obscenely tight briefs, and I groaned miserably as he stood up, giving me a front-and-center view of his crotch.
“Can you put on some clothes please?” I begged.
Finley laughed delightedly. “I can’t believe you would oppress me like this. It’s my God-given right as a gay to walk around in cute underwear and nothing else.”
“Oh, whatever,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Why are you on Dom’s computer?”
“Mine has a virus,” Finley said dramatically. “And I needed to find a…er…video.”
“You know downloading porn is probably how you got a virus in the first place, right?” I asked.
“Don’t be such a prude,” sniffed Finley.
“I’m not being a prude,” I argued, a smile on my face. “I’m being logical.”
“Yeah, well, you can take your logic and shove it up your—”
Dom poked his head into view of the camera and said, “Who are you talking to? Is that—Porter?!”
I waved at him. “Yeah, it’s me.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” said Dom. “Where have you been man? What’s with the radio silence?”
Warmth was spreading through me as I spoke with my best friends. I had missed them terribly, of course, but until I was able to see them again, I had not quite understood exactly how much their absence had affected me.
The Limelight Page 14