by Kimia Eslah
“Hm,” Haseem replied sympathetically.
“Whatever troubled Taraneh, it’s in the past. Life goes on. It must,” Reza professed.
Encouraged by Haseem’s silence, Reza concluded brazenly, “No need to punish her mother for grievances that the girl’s probably long forgotten.” With one hand, Reza gestured to dismiss the past. With the other, he raised the whiskey to his lips and emptied his glass.
***
“Do you want to see them, Taraneh?” Haseem repeated patiently.
From under the blanket, Taraneh peered out at Haseem, who sat on the edge of their bed. Briefly, she became lost in thought about him. She loved him dearly, with an intensity that she once believed was reserved for blood relations. In many ways, Haseem was foreign to her. He grew up feeling safe and nurtured in a healthy family. He liked himself, he trusted his intentions, and he accepted his shortcomings as natural features of being human. Taraneh wondered how much of Haseem’s self-assuredness could be attributed to the everyday privilege he enjoyed as an able-bodied, straight man, how much could be attributed to his upbringing in an emotionally healthy family, and how much was the product of years of self-reflection and intentional effort. Metaphorically, Taraneh imagined Haseem as a marathon swimmer; he was fit, experienced, and trailed by a reliable crew. He may flail and fail but he would not drown.
The intimacy they shared as lovers and parents, as well as her keen awareness of his generosity and humility, made it possible for Taraneh to circumvent the feelings of jealousy and resentment that had haunted her earlier romances and friendships. Instead, she studied his foreign approach to living and loving; she took cues on how to trust her intuition and accept her limitations. Understanding that Haseem’s development into a trusting, optimistic person with a propensity to love and forgive was based on years of sustained efforts by a dedicated crew allowed Taraneh to forgive herself for continuing to struggle with the fundamentals of love. She had been adrift at sea for all of her formative years — ailing and unassisted. To her, it seemed like a marvel that her younger self chose to swim alone to shore, as well as a miracle that she arrived alive and eager to build a new life based on theories and instinct.
It occurred to Taraneh, and not for the first time, that she loved herself in a way that she never had in her childhood and her youth. Even during her bleakest hours and days, when she wanted to die in order to escape the crippling pain of feeling unheard and unwanted by her parents, she would not have changed herself or her life. Following the turbulent nature of her childhood, she had refused to live chaotically at the mercy of the whims and compulsions of others. She had worked diligently to find people who heard her and to create spaces which protected her, especially when she lost her will to live. Taraneh realized intensely that she had the life of her dreams, of her making. The only reason she had not killed herself was that she could access this fact, even in her saddest and most desperate moments: she loved her life. To continue to choose life, she needed to love her life. To continue to love her life, she needed to share space with people who heard her concerns and responded compassionately, people who never asked her to ignore her instincts or deny her pain.
The resurfacing of the question that followed the boys’ yearly visit to Mojegan and Reza’s was as natural to Taraneh as it was unpleasant. It was as natural as tasting a flavour that she did not like: simply, to confirm that she still did not like it. She realized that this was part of her character, whether from birth or from growth; she needed to check whether her understanding of her relationships, her preferences, her objectives, and herself were current. Out of fear of deluding herself, Taraneh insisted on re-evaluating her assumptions. Yes, she was a conscientious person. Yes, she was a loving mother. Yes, she was a generous partner. Yes, she loved her life and she wanted to live.
In that moment, the answer seemed clear. “No, I do not want to see my parents, still.”
SOURCES
Abdol S. Soofi, Mehdi Goodarz, eds. “The Development of Science and Technology in Iran: Policies and Learning.” The Cambridge History of Iran, Vol. 7.
Basant Maheshwari, Ramesh Purohit, Hector Malano, Vijay P. Singh, Priyanie Amerasinghe, eds. The Security of Water, Food, Energy and Liveability of Cities: Challenges. 2014.
A. Alam. The Shah and I: The Confidential Diary of Iran’s Royal Court, 1969–1977. St. Martin’s Press. 1993.
A. Alikhani, A. Ashraf. “Merchants of Shiraz in the Late 19th Century.” Center for Middle Eastern Studies, Harvard University. 1987.
Azadeh Namakydoust. “The Veil as a Political Tool.” The Iranian. May 8, 2003.
Annabelle Sreberny, Ali Mohammadi. Small Media, Big Revolution: Communication, Culture, and the Iranian Revolution. University of Minnesota Press. 1994.
Richard W. Gable. “Electric Utilities and Their Regulation in Iran.” Land Economics, Vol. 33, No. 2. May 1957.
Abdol S. Soofi, Mehdi Goodarzi. The Development of Science and Technology in Iran: Policies and Learning. Palgrave MacMillan. 2016.
Iranicaonline. “Article on Hosayn-Qoli Mosta’an.”
Dr. Azar Nafisi. “Images of Women in Classical Persian Literature and the Contemporary Iranian Novel.” Iran Chamber Society. 2003.
Iranicaonline. “Article on Hamidi Shirazi.”
Iranicaonline. “Article on Indigo.”
News article. SOAS, University of London, Centre for Iranian Studies. Feb. 7, 2014.
Iranicaonline. “Article on AQD.”
Massoume Price. “A History of Moharram & Other Rituals of Death in Iran.” Iran Chamber Society article. December 2001.
Iranicaonline. “Article on History of the Qajars.”
Iranicaonline. “Article on Hospitals in Iran.”
Mohammad Hossein Azizi MD, Moslem Bahadori. “A Brief History of Tuberculosis in Iran during the 19th and 20th Centuries.” Archives of Iranian Medicine, Vol. 14, No. 3. May 2011.
Afsaneh Raiesifar, Mohammadreza Firouzkouhi, Marjaneh Fooladi, Soroor Parvizy. “Sociopolitical Development of the Nursing Profession in Iran: A Historical Review.” Journal of Medical Ethics and History of Medicine. Nov. 5, 2016.
Muhammad Sahimi. “The Nationalist-Religious Movement, Part 1: Patriots and Mosaddeghists.” Los Angeles, PBS. June 28, 2011.
Ervand Abrahamian. “Iran in Revolution: The Opposition Forces.” Middle East Research and Information Project, Inc. (MERIP) Reports, No. 75/76, Iran in Revolution (Mar.–Apr. 1979), pp. 3–8.
Richard Moore. “The Global Family Planning Revolution: Three Decades of Population Policies and Programmes.” Bulletin of the World Health Organization. 2008.
Matthew K. Shannon. “An Augury of Revolution: The Iranian Student Movement and American Foreign Policy, 1960–1972.” MA thesis, University of North Carolina. 2009.
Marty Mann. Marty Mann Answers Your Questions about Drinking and Alcoholism. Holt, Rinehart and Winston. Jan. 1, 1970.
Frank E. Smitha. “The Iranian Revolution.”
Sandra Mackey. The Iranians: Persia, Islam and the Soul of a Nation. Dutton. 1996.
Muhammad Sahimi. “‘Cultural Revolution’ Redux.” PBS. May 11, 2010.
&nb
sp; Thomas Rudd. “Racial Disproportionality in School Discipline: Implicit Bias Is Heavily Implicated.” Ohio State University.
Jack Landau. “Demolition Progressing at Heritage Loblaws Warehouse.” Urban Toronto. February 17, 2016.
Peter Goffin. “Vietnamese Mass Draws a Crowd at St. Cecilia’s.” Toronto Star, Dec. 22, 2016.
“‘Boat-People’: A Refugee Crisis — Vietnamese-Canadian History.” Radio Canada International.
“Vietnamese Refugees in Canada.” Canadian Museum for Human Rights. May 14, 2015.
Haideh Sahim. “Shiraz.” Encyclopedia of Jews in the Islamic World. Norman Stillman, ed.
Laurence D. Loeb. Outcaste (RLE Iran D): Jewish Life in Southern Iran. Routledge. 2012.
Farhad Diba. Mohammad Mossadegh: A Political Biography. Croom Helm. 1986.
Ervand Abrahamian. Iran Between Two Revolutions. Princeton University Press. 1982.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
THIS BOOK WOULD NOT EXIST if it were not for the love and support of my partner and best friend. Andrew, you are exceptional, and I feel blessed to share a life with you. Thank you for encouraging me to write, even when I came out of it grumpy.
A vast network of remarkable people nurtured my confidence, offered useful criticism, and encouraged me to pursue publication. I’d like to thank Maziar Cant, Katayoun Eslah, Mary Sullivan, Jim Cant, Angelina Schwartz, Carolyn Bilson, Ramin Hayratiyan, and Maral Moradipour.
Also, my heartfelt thanks to Beverley Rach for taking a chance on this manuscript and to my editor Fazeela Jiwa for sculpting it into a work of art.