Affection too.
I want more of him than his body. I want all of him.
But this is all I can have.
It has to be enough.
I tell myself it's enough.
I don't believe it.
Then Joel's dragging his lips down my neck and I don't fucking care if it's enough.
I don't care if I'll break when this ends.
I need him inside me.
Now.
He palms my ass, lifting me enough to bring my chest to his mouth. He sucks on my nipple. Then it's flicks of his tongue. Fast. Slow. Hard. Soft.
He scrapes his teeth against me.
"Fuck." I have to tug at his hair. "More."
He does it again. Again. It's hard enough it hurts, but it hurts in the best possible way.
I take his hand and bring it between my legs. Dirty Bella is taking over. I don't even have to try. Hell, I'm not sure that I have a choice in the matter.
Not when I'm with Joel.
"Touch me," I groan.
He pulls my shorts off my hips and he strokes me. The friction of his fingers against my clit sets me on fire. I'm going to come on his hand quickly.
I groan.
I tug at his hair.
I tug at his hair enough to bring his mouth to my other nipple.
Joel slides his fingers over me until he's teasing my cunt.
Holy fuck I just thought cunt.
It feels right.
It feels good.
"Please," I groan.
Slowly, he slides a finger inside me. Then another. Then his thumb is working my clit.
The pressure is so intense my knees wobble. I have to plant my hands on his shoulders for support.
He fucks me with his fingers as he sucks on my nipple.
Pleasure floods my body. Almost.
Almost…
Joel pulls his hand away. "On your back. Now."
I collapse on the couch.
Then he's between my legs, pulling my boxers off my feet.
"Joel," I groan as I reach for his hair. There. I've got it. I tug him towards me.
He plants his hands on my inner thighs and he pries my legs apart.
One falls over the side of the couch. The other presses against its back.
Joel drags his lips up my inner thigh. Then his mouth is on me.
He licks me from top to bottom again and again. Then he's plunging his tongue inside me, sucking on my lips, ever-so-gently scraping his teeth against my tender flesh.
I tug at his hair as I rock my hips against his mouth. My conscious brain shuts off.
I don't stop to think about what I want.
I just demand it.
"Make me come, baby," I groan.
He licks me up and down again. Again. Again.
Then his mouth is on my clit. He digs his fingers into the flesh of my inner thigh as he licks me.
God that feels good.
I press my thigh back into his hand.
I tug at his hair.
He goes a little harder. A littler faster.
Then he's there, exactly where I need him.
"Don't stop," I groan.
I writhe.
I rock my hips against him.
He licks me with just the right pressure, just the right speed.
There.
My sex pulses as I come. Pleasure spreads out to my fingers and toes. I'm still shaking, still writhing.
I'm screaming loud enough to wake the entire building.
"Fuck, Joel." I hold his head against me. "Don't stop."
He licks me through my orgasm. And through the after-shocks.
I groan with a mix of ecstasy and agony.
He pulls back enough to nip at the flesh of my inner thigh. "Say my name again, angel."
Fuck, the way his voice gets low and needy when he calls me angel…
He makes me feel like it's sexy that I'm a good girl.
"Joel." My voice breaks into a whine. I've come down enough that I need his mouth on me again. I can't believe how badly I need his mouth on me again. "Make me come again, Joel."
He groans into my skin.
Then he's sucking on my clit. Harder. Harder.
Fuck, that's intense.
Pleasure wells up to a fever pitch. Almost. Almost.
There.
I groan incomprehensible things as I come.
He keeps me pinned to the couch, licking me through my orgasm. My entire body is wrecked with pleasure.
He looks up at me, his green eyes heavy with desire, and suddenly I need more.
I need Joel in a way I've never needed anyone.
I need him so much it's terrifying.
"Fuck me," I groan.
He reaches for something in the bookshelf. A condom. Of course he has condoms in the bookshelf. He has a non-skid mat in his bathtub. I'm sure he has condoms in every nook and cranny of the apartment.
I don't even care that it means he's a manwhore.
It's good that he's safe.
"Fuck me," I groan it again.
He unwraps the condom and rolls it on. Then he's sitting on the couch. He pulls my body on top of his so I'm straddling him.
His hands go to my hips.
He looks me in the eyes as he pulls my body onto his.
His tip strains against me. Inch by inch, he enters me.
I stare back as I take him. It's intense. A good intense. A really fucking great intense.
Our bodies are one.
We move together. With his hands as my guide, I shift until I only have his tip, then I take him as deep as I can. I fuck him with long, deep strokes. I fuck him until I'm dizzy. Until I can't take it anymore.
He pulls my chest against his mouth and sucks on my nipple. Enough pleasure floods my body that I can’t take more.
Everything but the motions of our bodies falls away. The room is filled with our breath, with our groans. A neighbor is pounding on the wall to tell us to quiet down, but that only makes me hotter.
His fingers dig into my skin.
His lips close around my nipple.
He looks up at me, his green eyes wrecked with pleasure.
Then he's groaning against my chest. His eyelids press together.
He's close.
"Touch yourself. I want you coming on my cock."
My sex clenches as I groan out something resembling a yes.
I want that too.
I hold onto his shoulders tightly with one hand. With the other, I stroke my clit. Pleasure wells up inside me.
He's almost there too.
I want to come with him.
But I want to come too badly to worry about timing.
A few more brushes of my hand and I'm there.
Our groans run together like beautiful music.
Pleasure spreads out to my fingers and toes.
Then he's there too, his cock pulsing inside me.
"Fuck, Bella." Joel rocks me through his orgasm, his shoulders shaking.
His entire body is shaking.
It's the best thing I've ever seen.
He holds me close for a minute then he separates our bodies and takes care of the condom.
He smiles as he rejoins me on the couch. He pulls me back into his lap.
I melt.
Right now, I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
16
Bella
We have breakfast and tea (coffee for Joel) on the couch.
We're not talking about anything important.
We're not really talking even.
Quiet isn't what I expect from Joel, but it's comfortable. Easy. Like we're a normal married couple, two people who have been together for years.
There's no tension between us.
There are no pretenses.
Even though I'm keeping my thoughts about the divorce and about Dad's phone call to myself, I don't feel the usual burden of secrets.
It's not like quiet breakfasts with my family. Joel isn't
looking at me with expectations. He's not waiting for me to convince him I'm doing well in school.
That I'm doing well, period.
Hell, I'm not thinking about school.
I'm not even thinking about life outside this apartment.
The sun is streaming through the wide windows. Waves are crashing against the beach. The sky is blue and bright.
This place is beautiful.
It's distracting how beautiful it is.
I finish my last bite of scrambled eggs, take my plate to the sink, fix another cup of tea.
Joel looks up at me from the couch. His green eyes are filled with affection.
He does like me.
A lot even.
But he seems okay with this ending. At least, he hasn't said otherwise.
Joel pushes himself to his feet. He moves close enough to slide his arms around my waist then he pulls me onto the couch, onto his lap.
My tea sloshes over the sides of my mug. "This is hot."
"Angel, you flatter me."
I nod to my mug.
His lips curl into a smile. Gently, he peels my fingers off my cup, takes it into his hands, and places it on the side table. His voice is low, seductive. "We have until six."
"That's a lot of time."
"I'm more than happy to help you beat Golden Eye." He nods to the remote. "But we can watch TV if that's more your speed."
Would it be out of line to demand more sex?
I don't want to start thinking yet.
Right now, I never want to think again.
But there's something about Joel's expression. He wants to cheer me up. But not physically.
Get ahold of yourself, Bella. He fucked you thirty minutes ago.
Games can be fun, but TV is more my speed. I grab the remote. "Thank you. I'm sure it means a lot, giving up control of your magic stick."
He laughs. "I would say that."
"You would." I settle into his lap as I turn the TV on and flip through channels. My body is humming from the feeling of his body against mine, his arms around me.
He feels so good.
Like he's meant to be mine.
I sink into his body. All of my attention is on his breath, his heartbeat.
"Stop." Joel's fingers curl around my wrist. "You flipped past Law and Order."
"Yeah?" I force myself to stare at the TV. I channel down until Law and Order appears on screen. "I thought I had the controls."
"Don't tell me you don't like Law and Order."
"Does it have some connection to Harry Potter I don't know about?"
"Bella, you're killing me." He drags his fingers through my hair. "This show is fucking brilliant."
"It's entertaining, but brilliant?"
He laughs. "Brilliant."
"It is interesting, the way it puts so much emphasis on the lawyers. Most of these shows treat the lawyers like stupid suits who don't get it because they care about Miranda warnings."
His voice gets bright. "You do like it."
"I watch a lot of TV at the gym."
"You love it."
"Love is a strong word."
"You want to marry Law and Order and have its babies."
"Law and Order has done enough reproducing."
"Take that back."
"I won't." My fingers curl around the remote. I do enjoy police procedurals and courtroom dramas. But they're close to that place that hurts. "I like shows about defense attorneys better. Or the ones where you see more civil cases. Like The Good Wife."
"Fuck, I love that one."
"Yeah?"
He nods. "I watch a lot of TV on tour. Kit loves thrillers. He's easy. Ethan always wants to watch monster movies, but he'll give up the TV. And we play a lot of—" Joel nods to the video game console.
I can picture Joel on some tour bus with his friends. Even if I'm basing my image of a tour bus off a Google Image search. And I'm going by his friends' Wikipedia pages.
"I have a long list of awesome defense attorney shows." His voice gets soft. It's like he knows this is a sore spot.
The word attorney is enough to make my heart heavy. This hurts. But it's not going away anytime soon.
Either I go back to law school, put my nose to the grindstone, and really get my shit together.
Or I give up on the plan of Bella Chase, attorney at law.
Those are my only two options.
Either I succeed or I fail.
And the former isn't looking likely.
I adjust my t-shirt. My boxers. My hands refuse to still. My entire body is antsy. I don't want to sit here and talk about this. I want to run far, far away from it.
I can't fail. Not like this.
Joel pulls me closer. "Bella?"
Shit. He can tell I'm upset. He's going to ask. Then I'm going to have to literally run away or I'm going to have to talk about it.
I need to reply. "There's something about standing in open court and saying I am this person's advocate. I will use the law and all evidence I can find to get them what they want. I'm their ally, no matter what."
"You like to support people?"
"Don't tell me that's surprising."
"No." He brushes my hair behind my ears. His hand slides down my shoulders, over my forearm. "Just, you don't have to be a lawyer to support people."
"I know."
"There are a ton of jobs where you can support people."
"Maybe."
"Definitely."
I pull my hands to my lap. This is pressing on that Bella, you're a failure bruise. I need it to stop. "Don't tell me you want to do a naughty nurse roleplay."
"Fuck yeah, but that's not my point." He pulls me off his lap then turns me so we're face to face. "There's a huge world of careers."
I'm sure there are, but I don't want to talk about it.
"You could be an executive assistant."
My nose scrunches in distaste. "An assistant?"
Joel shoots me a cutting look. "Damn. That tone—"
"It's not that."
He raises a brow.
"Okay, maybe I'm a snob. But it's not just me."
"The prodigal daughter is supposed to do better than someone's assistant?" he offers.
"Exactly." My gaze goes to my bare feet. This conversation needs to stop.
But I can't run away from this forever.
I can't hang out in Joel's beautiful apartment forever.
I don't get him comforting me forever.
Eventually, I have to get back to my life.
If that's not law school, then what the hell is it?
I play with my t-shirt. "Have you always wanted to be a drummer?"
"Since I can remember."
I look up at him. "What's it like, knowing exactly what you want?"
"I'm not an introspective guy."
"Try."
He thinks for a moment. When he speaks, his voice is steady. Confident. "You ever feel like you know exactly where you're supposed to be?"
I nod. "When I read." And sometimes, when I've been around him. But that's confusing. I don't get to be around him for long.
"It's like that." He runs his fingertips over my ankle. "You want it so fucking bad. When you have it, fuck. It's like chocolate and bourbon and sex all mixed together."
"At once?"
"No, but it feels that fucking good, the satisfaction." He looks into my eyes. "When you want it but you can't have it—it's like if you were naked on my bed, spreading your legs, shooting me a come hither look—"
"It's like me naked on your bed?"
He laughs. "I'm not finished."
I nod go on.
He does. "It's like you naked on my bed, inviting me to fuck you, but then you're too far away. When I reach out to touch you, I get air. I'm close, but I can't get there. It feels good to want it. But it hurts too."
Somehow, I get that. "Desire feels good."
"Yeah."
I lean back into the couch and pull my knees into my chest.
I can't bring myself to look Joel in the eyes. I try to pay attention to the TV, but the car commercial isn't particularly entertaining. "I've never felt like that."
"Not everyone is passionate about work."
I shake my head. "I've never felt that kind of passion."
Joel copies my posture. He leans into the couch, but instead of pulling his knees into his chest, he places his palm over the back of my hand. "Never?"
"Never."
"What about Harry Potter?"
"That doesn't count."
"Why not?"
"It's a book series."
He looks me in the eyes. "And?"
"I don't know…" I unwrap my legs. My gaze goes back to my thighs.
"Bullshit. You know."
"Let's say I do."
"You do."
No, I don't. And where does he get off telling me how I feel? I shake my head. "It's a hypothetical."
"Admit you do."
But I don't. I think. I've never stopped to ask myself what I want. I've never questioned the grand plan.
I've never really thought about my interests or hobbies.
After all, they're not part of the plan.
They're not nearly as important.
He brushes my hair from my eyes. "I'll spend all afternoon watching those movies with you if you don't admit it."
My laugh breaks up the tension forming in my chest. "That's a terrible threat."
"Yeah?"
"If you really believe I'm passionate about Harry Potter. Why wouldn't I lie to get you to watch the movies with me?"
"Because you're honorable."
I want to stay mad at Joel, but his voice is soft, sweet.
And the way he's looking at me with all this affection…
He cares about me.
But how much?
"Who says I'm honorable?" I ask.
"I do. Besides, I want to watch those movies with you all afternoon." He takes my hand and presses it between his palms. "Go ahead. Make it hypothetical."
"Say I'm passionate about Harry Potter."
He nods.
"What good does that do me?"
"You get to escape into that world whenever you open a book."
"But that's not a job."
"Could be. You could be an editor. You're a smart girl. You'd be good at a lot of shit."
"Maybe."
"Maybe you're smart?"
"I'm failing out of law school."
"Cs aren't failing."
"You don't get it—"
"I get that you think anything less than perfect is failing."
Dangerous Rock: A Rock Star Romance (Dangerous Noise Book 3) Page 11