by Heidi Swain
‘I know that,’ he said. ‘And I know you don’t want to risk your heart all over again, Kate, but please, at least think about it. This is the real reason why I drove all the way up here in the hope of seeing you.’
I shook my head.
‘We could wipe the slate clean and start afresh. I would never hurt you again if you gave me a second chance. I would take proper care of you, this time. Perhaps . . .’ he added, ‘perhaps we could even have that conversation about children after all.’
Had I not already been sitting I would have fallen down. The man who had always insisted that a baby wasn’t part of the deal was now using one as a bargaining tool to try and win me back. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Had he forgotten that it was his desire not to talk about starting a family that had driven him to reassert his independence in the arms of another woman? If all of that had slipped his mind, then I certainly needed to remember it.
‘I need another drink,’ I said, pushing back my chair.
‘I’ll get it,’ he said, rummaging in his pockets before jumping up and reaching for my glass. ‘You think about what I’ve said and if this is on your finger by the time I come back, then I’ll be the happiest man on the planet.’
I looked down at my wedding band and then I watched him walk to the bar. I watched how quickly he caught the eye of the pretty young girl serving, even though there were at least half a dozen other customers already waiting. I watched the entire exchange. David was on his best behaviour. He didn’t flirt, he didn’t leave an outrageous tip, he didn’t stand and chat, but none of that altered the fact that I had watched him like a hawk.
I hadn’t been able to tear my eyes away and I knew that if I allowed myself to slip back into our marriage, baby or no baby, I was going to face a lifetime of watching. Watching to see if he fell back into his old ways and then waiting to see if those ‘ways’ developed into something more serious. I didn’t think I could hold my breath for that long. I didn’t think I wanted to, and I certainly didn’t want to do it with a child in tow. I might have longed for the whole kit and caboodle that came with the perfect marriage, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think that having a child was going to be a cure-all.
‘Don’t worry about that drink,’ I said, quickly snatching up my things before the glasses were even on the table. ‘I’ve changed my mind.’
‘But I thought you’d be pleased,’ David said, looking from the ring to me and back again, confusion pulling his face into a frown. ‘I thought, this was what you had wanted all along—’
‘I know what you thought,’ I interrupted, ‘and it was, but it isn’t what I want now. I can’t risk giving you a second chance, David, and if you think about everything from my point of view rather than your own for once you’ll understand why.’
‘But what about your happy ever after?’ he pleaded. ‘It’s what you always said we were creating.’
‘I’m beginning to think I’m a bit too old to believe in fairy tales.’ I swallowed, determined not to cry in front of him, ‘and besides, you may well have denied me mine.’
I packed my bags before I went to bed that night, knowing that I wasn’t going to see out my time and wait for the phone call from Lisa before I made the journey back to Nightingale Square. Had it not been for the large glass of wine I’d drunk in the pub I wouldn’t have even waited until first light, but I wasn’t going to risk failing a breath test on top of everything else.
‘You’re not leaving?’ said Mum when I appeared at the breakfast table with my suitcase in tow. ‘You can’t really be considering going already.’
We had had a terse exchange of words when I got back from the pub and I had warned her I would be leaving sooner than originally planned, but looking at the disappointment on her face I guessed she thought I’d sleep on it and change my mind.
‘I really can,’ I told her bluntly. ‘In fact, I think it’s best if I do.’
‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ she demanded of my father.
He didn’t say a word until he was helping me carry my bags out to the car.
‘I did try and warn her,’ he said. ‘I did tell her it was a bad idea, but she’d got it into her head that all you needed was a nudge in the right direction and everything would be back to how it was before. What with it being—’
‘Christmas,’ I finished for him.
‘Exactly.’
‘I do know that she did it with the best of intentions,’ I sighed, ‘but I’m too angry to tell her that right now. I don’t want to let her off the hook just yet.’
‘Of course,’ he said, pulling me into a hug which threatened to unleash more tears than the rest of Christmas put together. ‘I told her you wouldn’t thank her for it, but she thought she knew best.’
I nodded, but couldn’t get the words to jump over the lump in my throat.
‘Perhaps if you told her everything, Kate,’ he continued. ‘Perhaps if she knew the whole of what happened she’d be more willing to leave it alone and let you move on?’
I pulled myself out of his embrace and blinked back my tears.
‘What do you mean?’
‘It doesn’t take a genius to work out there was more to your decision to leave David than what you told us, love,’ he said softly, shaking his head. ‘Whatever else that husband of yours did, it must have been pretty bloody bad.’
‘Dad!’ He never swore, not even mildly.
‘Because I know, we all know, that you loved him with each and every bit of your heart and it must have been something far worse than a drunken one-night stand to make you walk away forever.’
I stepped forward and kissed him on the cheek.
‘Thanks, Dad,’ I said huskily. ‘I’ll ring you when I get back.’
I pulled into a lay-by on the outskirts of town and fired off a quick text to Tom, explaining why I had left early and asking him to apologise to Jemma and the kids, and then I sent another to Lisa in the hope that she would have time to go around to the house and turn the heating thermostat up a notch.
There was a chill in my bones that couldn’t be warmed, no matter how high I turned up the car heater and as I drove on, I couldn’t help thinking that there was nothing left in the whole world that would be capable of thawing my cold heart now.
Chapter 9
When I pulled back into the car hire depot in Norwich I realised I couldn’t actually remember any of the journey at all. I had driven for almost two hours on autopilot, mulling over every look, nuance and reaction I had given the one man I had ever been in love with and wishing with all of my heart that I hadn’t gone back to Wynbridge for Christmas. Thanks to Mum’s meddling, the year felt set to end on a depressing low rather than the high I had been aiming for and I wasn’t sure I could forgive her for that.
Whether it had been Christmas or not, I knew the trip had happened far too soon and I thanked my lucky stars that I had had both the strength and the sense not to move back to my home town for good. The nurturing embrace of kith and kin might have been ideal for some, but for me it was the last thing I needed. What I needed was to surround myself with my new friends, and live peacefully for a while in my new home, neither of which were tainted by the life I was trying to leave behind or littered with loitering shadows all waiting to trip me up at every opportunity.
I was relieved that David still hadn’t discovered where I had moved to and, given Mum’s disastrous attempts at a not very subtle reconciliation, I was fairly certain she wouldn’t dare hand out my address, and Tom knew it was more than his life was worth. As the taxi I had taken for the final leg of my journey swung into the top of Nightingale Square I caught the first glimpse of my lovely house and knew that I was going to be left in peace, for now at least.
Leaving my bags in the hall, I explored each and every room, much the same as I had the day I came to view it with Tom and Toby Fransham, only this time my possessions were all in situ and looked as though they had been there forever. Every room felt cosy, thanks
to Lisa’s thermostat tweaking; the fire was laid ready to light and the fridge was fully stocked. She had also left a ‘welcome home’ note on the table along with some brightly coloured artwork from the children which I happily propped up above the sink as I filled the kettle. I would have to follow her and John’s lead soon and buy some magnets for the fridge so the pictures and scribbles could be properly displayed.
With a large mug of restorative tea and a slice of the Christmas cake Mum had insisted I come away with, I curled up in the armchair and flicked through the TV channels in the hope of finding a cheesy film to fall asleep in front of. The tranquil moment lasted for less than half an hour.
‘Come on!’ I heard a voice shout from the green. ‘We can do this. It’s just what we need to blow away the cobwebs.’
‘You do know some people are trying to sleep off the excesses of Christmas, don’t you?’ I bawled through the bedroom window after rushing upstairs to get a better view of who I thought was disturbing the peace.
‘Kate!’ beamed Heather, her face pinched from the cold and her nose aglow.
‘Get your butt out here!’ Lisa demanded, jumping up from the bench she had looked firmly glued to. ‘Come and talk some sense into this crazy woman, will you?’
Wrapped in the thickest coat, scarf and gloves combo I could throw together and carrying a fresh mug of tea, I trotted over to the green, keen to see my friends and find out what all the fuss was about.
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ said Lisa, rushing over the second she caught sight of me and giving me a hug.
‘So have I,’ said Heather, joining in so the three of us were tightly squashed together, my tea in danger of being worn rather than drunk.
‘And I’ve missed you,’ I managed to blurt out before the last gasp of air was squeezed out of my lungs.
‘And not just because I love you to bits of course,’ said Lisa, loosening her grip, ‘but because I’ve had to take sole responsibility for this crazy lady.’
I stepped back and took in Heather’s beaming face. She didn’t look crazy to me, just very happy.
‘Don’t let the soppy expression fool you,’ warned Lisa before I had a chance to say a word. ‘Now she’s finally been getting some sleep her true personality has come to the fore and to be honest I’m already thinking I should never have let you talk me into darkening her front door.’
‘That’s a bit mean,’ said Heather, stamping her feet to stave off the cold. ‘If it wasn’t for you two . . .’ her words trailed off. ‘Well,’ she eventually said, ‘let’s just say I wouldn’t be in the happy place I am now.’
‘Exactly,’ said Lisa, patting the empty space next to her on the bench for me to sit on. ‘And you wouldn’t be trying to talk me into this blasted, get off your butt and run 5K thing, you’ve got your heart set on.’
I let out an ill-timed snigger and Lisa turned her attention to me.
‘And I don’t know what you’re bloody laughing at, she’s roping you in as well!’
‘What?’
‘We need to start the New Year with a sense of purpose,’ said Heather, still bouncing about, although I was sure the circulation to her toes must have been sorted by now. ‘I’m going to start running again and I want you two to join me. I’m going to have Evie in her buggy and we can take turns to push her as we run. What do you think?’
‘I think you’ve had one glass of mulled wine too many and completely lost the plot,’ Lisa groaned, turning to me for support.
‘You know I haven’t had a drop because I’m still feeding Evie,’ Heather shot back.
‘Well, I think it’s a great idea,’ I interrupted.
I didn’t really. My armchair was comfortable enough to hunker down in until the blossom was in full bloom at least, but it was fun to wind Lisa up, and actually Heather was right; in just a few days we’d be hanging up new calendars and opening fresh diaries so starting a new healthy regime really couldn’t be better, or more predictably, timed.
‘Think of the summer in shorts and skinny jeans,’ I said, giving Lisa a nudge for good measure.
‘Think of years living here as an outcast,’ she shot back.
We all burst out laughing and I made a mental note to spend my Christmas money on a new pair of trainers as well as the fridge magnets.
‘So,’ said Heather once we had all got our breath back, ‘how was Christmas in the sticks? I thought you were planning to stay a bit longer?’
‘I had been,’ I told her, taking a sip of the rapidly cooling tea, ‘but my mother put a rather large spanner in the works.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Lisa asked, turning to face me.
Gosh it was good to be back. For the last twenty-four hours I had felt as though I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but just five minutes in the company of this pair and the gloom had lifted and I was feeling like a new woman. Well, almost.
‘You know, I think I would,’ I said, ‘but not out here. It’s too cold.’
I had begun to shiver as the slate-grey day started to bite and the wind picked up a little, worming its way into any nook and cranny that wasn’t swaddled in at least three layers.
‘How about you both come around to mine tonight?’ I suggested. ‘We could have a non-turkey-themed takeaway or something and—’
‘Wine,’ Lisa butted in before I had time to suggest Bridget Jones’s Diary. ‘That’s allowed, isn’t it, Heather? We don’t have to give up the booze just yet, do we?’
‘Hang on,’ I said, ‘no one mentioned giving up wine.’
‘And takeaways,’ said Lisa, standing up and stretching out her chilled limbs. ‘No wine and no takeaways after the New Year.’
‘But I didn’t realise . . .’ I began.
‘You should have backed me up then, shouldn’t you?’ she said, her hands now firmly planted on her hips. ‘That’ll teach you for trying to be a clever-clogs and picking the wrong side. I’ll see you at seven. Can you be out of the house by then?’ she asked the woman who was all set to deny us each and every one of life’s simple pleasures.
‘Better make it half past,’ answered Heather. ‘Glen and I like to bath Evie together, but I’ll be over as soon as she’s settled, and I’ve got some expressed milk in the fridge so Daddy can be in charge of the late evening feed.’
‘Perfect,’ said Lisa as she walked back towards her house, ‘see you both tonight.’
‘You can have a glass of wine at the weekends,’ giggled Heather with a wink as we watched our friend sashay away. ‘I just haven’t told Lisa that yet.’
By half seven the curtains were drawn, the fire was roaring, the cushions were plumped and the candles were lit. The house was cosy, warm and relaxing – hygge, I think the Danes call it – and I felt the tension in my shoulders ebb away for the first time since I had told Mum I was going home for Christmas.
‘As it’s our first ever girls’ night in,’ said Lisa, as she let herself in through the unlocked front door, ‘I thought we should go all out and make the most of it.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ said Heather approvingly as she ducked through the door just before it closed. ‘What are you suggesting?’
‘Three bottles of Prosecco for me and Kate,’ said Lisa, pulling two out of a carrier bag with a flourish, ‘and the last tub of Celebrations that I’d hidden at the back of the boot cupboard.’
Heather didn’t look particularly impressed, but Lisa was determined.
‘Lighten up, love,’ she grinned. ‘By this time next week you’ll be forcing alfalfa sprouts down our necks and making us join in with yoga DVDs, so we’re allowed at least one last night of heady indulgence.’
‘Actually,’ said Heather, biting her lip as she peeled off her coat, ‘I have been wondering whether we should sign up for a Pilates class or something as well. It would be good to balance the running with something more calming.’
Lisa rolled her eyes and pushed Heather down the hall towards me.
‘Right,�
�� she said, taking charge. ‘No more talk of fitness or faddy diets tonight. I want to hear all about what Kate got up to on her big trip home.’
With a glass of fizz apiece, lemonade with a slice for Heather, and the tub of chocolates fast disappearing, my two friends sat together on the sofa while I claimed the armchair and told them everything that had happened.
‘But what on earth was she thinking?’ Lisa gasped when I finally got to the part about the doorbell ringing and David being the one who had pressed it, courtesy of my mother’s invitation. ‘What on earth made her think you’d want to be faced with your ex before you’d had a chance to get over him?’
It was a relief that she understood how I had felt and why.
‘Beats me,’ I said, shaking my head and helping myself to another mini Mars and a Bounty.
‘I’m sure she meant well,’ said Heather, echoing the words of practically everyone in Wynbridge.
Trust her to try and see the good in what Mum had done.
‘I know,’ I concurred, ‘and David and I did part on civil terms in October so—’
‘How is it possible to be civil when you’re pulling apart a life that’s wrapped around someone else’s?’ Lisa asked. ‘Not that we know why you were pulling that life apart and not that I’m asking,’ she quickly added. ‘I’m just surprised to hear the word civil being used to describe a divorce, that’s all.’
‘He was unfaithful to me,’ I said before I thought about it too much. ‘He had a one-night stand with another woman, at least he always maintained it was just one night, and I decided to end our marriage as a result.’
Heather shook her head and leant forward to top up my glass.
‘No, love,’ said Lisa softly, ‘he decided to end it when he dropped his pants. I’m sure his wandering eye wasn’t your doing.’
I still couldn’t bring myself to admit out loud that actually it had been, but I did explain the sort of man that David was; how he had always had an eye for a pretty girl and that I had known what I was getting myself into when I accepted his proposal. I didn’t elaborate too much however, because from what Lisa had intimated already I guessed she was more of the ‘cut off his balls and fry them’ brigade when it came to dealing with infidelity, whoever felt responsible for it.