by Staci Hart
Jade’s voice was low enough, threatening enough that the hairs on my arms stood up straight. “I don’t really give a fuck why you’re here. You’re all replaceable, every last one of you. And I want you to think real hard about whether or not I’ll do what I have to do to get what I want.”
Morgan clenched her teeth, tracking Jade as she moved around the table.
“If I have to squeeze Cory to get this done, I will. You think I can’t find Jill?” She pulled her phone out of her pocket and brought something up on the screen before sliding it across the table. “Go ahead and scroll through them. He sends me one every hour. You didn’t think I would let my leverage walk around unattended, did you?”
Morgan glanced at me with wide eyes, then looked back to Jade. “You’re psychotic,” she whispered.
My feet were heavy and numb as they carried me to the table, and my eyes never left Jade’s phone. The closer I got, the more the dread twisted through me, and when I saw Jill’s picture on the screen, my heart stopped. She was sitting on the train, and whoever was following her had taken the picture from a dozen or so seats away. I scrolled through. There was one of her walking out of school. Another of her outside, eating lunch with her friends.
Bile raced up my throat. “I said I’d do it, Jade.”
“Yeah, well forgive me for not trusting you.” Jade snatched her phone off the table and turned her gaze on each one of us. “I’m not walking away from this, and none of you are going to stop me. Fuck with me, Jill pays. Understand?”
No one moved, but the silence was agreement enough for her.
“Since you’re all so over it, then you can all get the fuck out when it’s done.”
Morgan turned to me with a wry smile. “You hear that, Cor? We’re off the hook.” She sneered at Jade. “I’ve never been so happy to get fired.”
I spun around and flew to my room with Erin on my heels, scooping my phone off my bed to bring up Jill’s contact with trembling hands. I pressed the phone to my ear and tried to breathe. Every ring was agony.
“Hey,” Jill answered as I closed my door behind Erin, who sat on the end of my bed with a hand on her mouth.
A tiny bit of tension left me at the sound of Jill’s voice. “Where are you?”
“Um, at home.” She was suspicious. Just those few words were heavy with questions.
I blew out the breath I’d been holding, thinking through what I could and couldn’t say to her. I cleared my throat and tried for a lighter tone, but my voice was strained. “Have a good day?”
“Uneventful. Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Nah, everything’s fine.” I glanced at Erin for backup, but she only shook her head.
“Liar.”
Calm down. I breathed deep and smiled for the sake of her being able to hear it. “What, I can’t call my sister and ask frantic questions like a lunatic?”
That got a chuckle out of her, though she was still reluctant. “If you say so, weirdo.”
I had to try to keep tabs on her until the job was over. The plan clicked together, and I relaxed. I could keep her safe. “I just wanted to see if you wanted to get milkshakes at Genie’s after school tomorrow.”
“Uh, duh. Like I’d ever say no to milkshakes.”
“Good. I’ll meet you at the usual spot. Are you going out tonight?”
“Nope. It’s midterms. I’ve got a Chem test tomorrow, so my plans this evening won’t exceed coffee, yoga pants, and my study mix.”
I smiled. “All right. We’ll talk tomorrow at the diner.”
“Okay. Well … I guess give me a call if you need to freak out in my general direction again.”
“Sounds good.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Love you, Jilly.”
“I love you too.”
I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed, scrubbing a hand over my face. “She’s okay. This is going to be okay.”
“Is it?” Erin’s lips tugged into a frown.
“I just have to make sure I know where she is. The times she’s vulnerable are on her way to and from school. She’s home for the night, and tomorrow she’ll go straight there. If she’s late, the office will call me, and after she gets out, I’ll take her to the diner and walk her home. If I can do the same the next day, she’ll be fine. And after that, it’ll be over.”
“What if you tell Jill? You don’t have to tell her everything, but if she’s on board, there’s a better chance that she’ll be safe.”
“No. She’ll start asking questions. It’ll turn into a fight, and then she really won’t listen to me. This whole thing will be in danger of crumbling if she and I aren’t on the same page. I can’t afford to upset her now, so fucking drop it. Please, Erin.”
Erin stared at the rug in the middle of the room. “I just … I can’t believe this.”
I shook my head. “I told you. I knew she wasn’t going to let this go. I have to stick to the plan, Erin.”
“Do you think she’ll let Jill go when it’s over?”
“I have to believe that. She might hang on to Jill if she were doing all this entirely out of spite, but she just wants that money. Once she gets it, she doesn’t need leverage over me.”
She met my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this happened.”
I pressed my lips into a sad smile, shaking my head. “Let’s just get out of here.”
“Tonight or forever?”
“Both.”
Erin nodded. “Want to run to your parents’ and check on Jill? We don’t have to go inside. Maybe we can figure out who’s watching her.”
I nodded, not wanting to be in the loft for another second.
We pulled on our boots and walked out the door. The second it closed behind me, I could breathe for the first time in an hour. I pulled on my buff and flipped my hood, wanting to disappear into the cover of the night as we ran the blocks to my parent’s apartment.
We stopped across the street and leaned on the ledge of the roof. Jill sat at her desk, studying with earbuds in and her black hair in a big knot on top of her head. Just seeing her set my mind at ease, for a moment at least. Until I remembered someone was following her. I scanned the street, looking for anyone still, anyone suspicious, but found no one.
I wondered if whoever it was might be in the shops below us, watching the door from a spot less conspicuous. I told Erin as much, and we took to the street, splitting up to search the shops, but it was fruitless. I wasn’t even sure what we would have done if we’d found the stalker. Beat the fuck out of him. Offered him more money than Jade. Anything.
We stayed out until I was almost too tired to stand, and even then, I didn’t want to go back to the loft, wasn’t ready to see Jade or anyone else.
Just a little bit longer, I told myself. Just a few more days until I would walk away from it all forever.
I SPENT THE ENTIRE next day at work, worrying over Jill as I rode around Manhattan making deliveries, trying to find comfort in the fact that she was at school where she was safe. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Just because I’d agreed to help Jade didn’t mean I was sure she would leave Jill alone. The thought of someone following her made me sick.
So I went through the motions of my job, the automatic set of actions carrying me from one delivery to the next, one minute to the next until the day was behind me.
I found myself leaning on the ivy wall that afternoon waiting for Jill, scanning every face that passed, looking into the windows of every shop, searching for anything that would help me figure out who it was. I paused when my eyes found a guy leaning against a building across the street. Tattoos ran up his neck and down his fingers, and he smoked a cigarette, bouncing his gaze between the school’s gate and me. I stared a hole in him with my nerves screaming. But then a woman walked up to him, and he flicked his cigarette away as she kissed him. It wasn’t him. The couple smiled and laughed, taking off down the street holding hands, never looking my way again.
When the school bell rang,
I jumped, heart racing as I turned and focused my attention on the door. As soon as I spotted Jilly’s smiling face, I felt better.
“Hey.” I smiled back as she walked up, hoping it didn’t reveal too much. Judging by her face, I wasn’t really selling it. “How was your test?”
“Pretty sure I aced it.” She fist pumped as we started walking.
“Well, then you earned your shake.”
She side-eyed me. “So, are you gonna tell me what’s going on?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just got a weird feeling last night and wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Jill narrowed her eyes. “Why don’t I believe you?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you?” I tried to joke, but she wasn’t biting. I realized then that evasion might be impossible.
“Maybe because you always keep things from me.”
“Like what?” I asked, hoping I could redirect her.
“I don’t know what, you ass,” she said with a laugh and slapped me on the arm. “You keep it from me.”
“Ow.” I rubbed my arm where she’d hit it.
Her smile faded. “You’ve always been that way, even when I was little.” There was longing in her words. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t know you at all.”
My chest ached, but I tried for a smile. “Well, what do you want to know? For the next half-hour, I’m an open book. Probably.”
She laughed, and tension dissipated. “What’s your favorite color?” she joked.
“Easy. Black.”
“That’s not even a color, Cory.”
“Sure it is. I wear it every day.”
She snorted and rolled her eyes as we crossed the street.
“What’s your favorite song?”
I scoffed and stuffed my hands in my pockets, feeling almost normal. “I can’t just pick one. That’s like asking me to count to a billion.”
“Okay, top three.” We stepped under the red awning for Genie’s Diner, and I pulled open the door for Jill.
“Hmm.” I hung my bag on the back of a chair at the long diner bar, and we sat down while I thought about it. “No, I can’t decide that either. Pass.”
“Psh, don’t waste your passes because I’m just getting warmed up.” She shot me a serious look, and nerves twisted through me. I didn’t know what exactly to expect. The only thing I did know was that whatever she would ask wouldn’t have an easy answer. I braced myself.
A waitress in a pink uniform dress laid a couple of napkins in front of us with a smile. “What can I get for you girls?”
“I’ll have a chocolate malt, please,” Jill answered.
“Make it two,” I added.
“Sure thing, ladies.” She patted the counter and turned for the kitchen.
I spun my chair to face Jill and rested my feet on her foot bar, leaning back and folding my arms. “All right, fire away.”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
My heart lurched. “Nope.”
“Bullshit.” Her eyes narrowed, looking me over. “I thought we were being honest here?”
“That’s the honest truth. I was seeing someone, but I’m not anymore.”
The hardness in her face melted away, and she shifted, angling her body to me. “What happened? Was it serious?”
“It might have been, but we’d just gone on a couple of dates.”
“Was it his decision or yours?”
Jade’s. I took a deep breath. “I ended it. It was just too complicated. That’s the simplest way I can put it.”
“I’m really sorry.” It was pity again. I’d had enough pity in the last few days to last me my whole life.
“It’s okay.” We turned back to the counter as the waitress set our malts in front of us, and I picked up my spoon to spin it around in the chocolatey goodness. No matter how bad things got, at least there was always chocolate. “What else, Jilly?”
Jill assessed me quietly as she used the tip of her spoon to draw little shapes in the top of her malt. “What was he like?”
“Smart. Funny. Super hot. He’s a photographer.”
“How did you meet?”
My cheeks went hot at the memory of the night we met. It was the perfect bizarre start to the sideshow that my life had devolved into. “He parkours. We met running one night and … hit it off.” I turned my attention to my malt and shifted.
Jill eyed me for a long second as I waited for more. “I think that’s probably good for today.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “But you’re not done for good, are you?”
“Nope.” She laughed. “I’m surprised you gave me as much as you did, honestly. I know it’s not easy for you to talk about what’s going on with you, but I really do want to know. And I want you to know that you can be honest with me. So … thanks.”
I actually felt a little lighter, even though she’d just scratched the surface. I smiled sideways at her. “It wasn’t so bad.”
“You didn’t even catch on fire.”
“Right?” I shook my head, and in the honesty of the moment, I felt compelled to tell her more. “I just … I don’t want to disappoint you. When I think about showing you or anyone who I am, I just know I won’t measure up.”
“You have to trust the people who love you, Cory. That’s part of what love is. And if your honesty pushes someone away, then they didn’t love you in the first place.”
If only it were that simple. She was too young to know that the truth could rip someone apart, burn everything down. I tried to give her a comforting smile. “I do trust you, Jill.”
“But see, you don’t. If you did, you would just tell me without worrying about what I would think.”
I searched her face. “I want to just tell you things, but … I don’t know Jill. I’ve never done this before.”
“I get it. You’re afraid, but everyone’s afraid. You just have to stand up and do it anyway. You’re strong enough. I believe in you.”
I was overwhelmed, my nose burning as I looked at my malt. “When did you get so smart?” I joked.
“When my big sister paid for my top-notch private school.” She bumped me with her arm. I smiled over at her. “Baby steps, Cory. You’ll get there,” she said with a smile.
I felt eyes on me. For a minute, I’d forgotten about her voyeur, and I sat a little straighter as my eyes scanned the diner patrons and looked through the windows to the street. The anxiety seeped back in as I worked over scenarios of what could have happened, what would happen, all while trying to carry on a normal conversation with my sister. I prompted her to talk about school and college, and she went on happily.
An hour later, I had walked Jill to the front step of our parent’s building. It was as far as I would go, and we said our goodbyes to her assurance that she was in for the night again, studying. I’d never been more thankful for midterms. As I walked away, the sun crept toward the horizon, and I ticked through everything that would happen in the next twenty-four hours to the beat of my feet against the pavement.
Lies. Danger. Betrayal. The words rolled around my thoughts and I found myself walking faster, wanting to run. It was all I wanted.
So I ducked into an alley and did just that.
I peeled off my jacket and hoodie, stuffing them into my pack. It was chilly out, and the cool air nipped at my skin, prickled with sweat. I knew where I wanted to go and made my way there, jumping and climbing my way to the one place I could get close to him again.
When I reached the top of Logan Tower, I walked the length of the roof with my chest heaving and hands hung on my hips, looking out over Manhattan with the setting sun against my face. The sky was a gradient of colors, from the blazing oranges and yellows at the horizon to the rich purples of what would soon be night. The high, flat clouds were pink and yellow, and my eyes feasted on one of those rare sunsets that left you wondering how it could possibly be real.
I wasn’t sure why I’d gone there again. To say goodbye, maybe. To let him go. To put the whole
thing behind me so I could do what I needed to do without breaking. I didn’t know when everything had gotten so out of hand, and I traced my choices backwards until I could see the whole thing for what it was.
All the things I’d spent my life running from had finally caught up with me.
Everyone thought I was strong, and when it came to my body, I was. I was fearless. Physical pain was nothing. And I could always be strong for Jill because taking care of her, being there for her was easy. Being strong for myself was another thing entirely. When it came to my heart, I was terrified. Locking it away was easier than risking it. It was a fact proved by my feelings for Van.
Erin was right. I didn’t tell the truth because I didn’t want to be rejected, not again. My parents were the first, the ones who ingrained in me that I wasn’t worth keeping. Jill would reject me if she knew the truth, just like Van. Erin was the only one who was safe because I never committed to more, and she never asked for more.
I lied to them to protect myself. You can’t be rejected if you don’t care, so I tried not to care about anything. But that was the biggest lie of all.
“Cory?”
Van’s voice tore through my body, the shock of it almost paralyzing. I turned to find him standing behind me, drenched in sweat, face bent in confusion and disbelief. The fading sunlight shone on him, painting him gold, his skin glistening like he was made of stardust.
“I…” My words were a pile-up in my throat as we stared at each other.
He forced the emotion from his face, but I could see him fighting for composure. I couldn’t even do that much.
Van climbed up next to me, and we sat in silence together with our eyes on the horizon.
His eyes didn’t leave the sky when he asked a quiet question, only in part to me. “Why am I so hung up on you?”
The sun reflected off buildings in brilliant colors, and I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t let him see me. I didn’t have any more answers to that question than he did. “I’ve been asking myself the same thing.”