After Chris Kostman played the recording of the national anthem over his megaphone, we counted down from ten to zero and moved off the start line. I forced myself to do what I had learned to do over the years during this part of the race: go slow. I was amped up, but I knew I would need energy later.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I remember the first big public talk I gave years ago at a university event. I was being honored as a “Balanced Man” and held up as an example of someone who used a sound-mind, sound-body approach to life. As I stood before two thousand attendees, I spoke nearly without taking a breath, filling sixty minutes with the story of my entire life up to that very moment. I felt that the audience had to know every detail about me in order to understand anything about me. I was wrong. It must have been excruciating for them. After my talk, a long line of polite young college students shook my hand and thanked me. However, I knew that I had done them a disservice. I had not given them credit for being smart enough to fill in the blanks that I should have left empty. I had not trusted them to seek more information about me if they wanted it. This brings me to my collaborator for Running Man, Meg Lukens Noonan. I have immeasurable gratitude to Meg for not letting me write this book in that same tedious, detail-flooding way. Meg took my stories, and helped to craft them, massage them, and sometimes toss them in the wastebin. I told Meg early on that I intended to be funny in this book, so she humored me (pun intended) and allowed a few of my jokes to stay. I have always used humor as a way of deflecting and defusing heavy situations. But in the course of writing Running Man, Meg helped me to stay serious when the subject was serious, to feel discomfort instead of making a joke. Meg has been much more than a collaborator, and I would have been lost without her.
Thanks to my agent, Deborah Grosvenor, for believing in Running Man. And further thanks to Clif Weins for connecting me with Deborah, and thanks to Carrie Regan for connecting me with Clif. That’s how it works with friends, passing along contacts with best wishes. And sometimes, things actually work out!
I have huge gratitude for Shannon Welch, my editor at Scribner. In our first talks I told Shannon that I did not want to write a book about running, but rather I wanted to write about how running has shaped me and changed me. You wanted that same thing and together, I think we accomplished what we set out to do.
A thousand thanks to everyone at Scribner, including John Glynn, Kyle Radler, Ashley Gilliam, Kara Watson, Mia Crowley-Hald, Erich Hobbing, Bryden Spevak, Olga Leonardo, and Nan Graham.
Thanks to Bart Yasso, Dean Karnazes, Cheryl Strayed, Pam Reed, Chris McDougall, Scott Jurek, and Rich Roll for the early encouragement to write Running Man. Your books helped me understand how to find my own balance between running and story. Each of you chose a different approach, but you all found success by the not so simple act of writing entertaining and honest books.
Thanks to Mary Gadams for your friendship and support. I finished the first draft of Running Man in Ecuador, only days before running another one of your fabulous races. Back in 2000, we sat at adjoining tables for a race briefing before the Borneo Eco-Challenge and we have been friends ever since. Thanks also to the entire 4 Deserts organization for always welcoming me back so I can make some new memories. My life today would not be complete without the friendships I made in those deserts.
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When I began writing this book, I knew that addiction and recovery would be a big part of my story. In the early drafts, I used the term “12-step meetings,” instead of AA, to indicate what type of recovery process I used. I did this out of great respect for the Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. But something just didn’t feel right to me. To gain perspective, I asked people who were not in recovery about the term “12-step meeting” or “recovery meeting” to see what they understood it to mean. Nearly all of them linked 12-step meetings directly with AA and often perceived them as one and the same. For more than eighty years, the AA program has helped millions of people achieve sobriety through the simple formula of one person helping another. In the early days, the founders were concerned about AA being represented in “press, radio, and films,” fearing that a public failure by a member would damage the organization. I have thoughtfully considered what might happen if I shared my experiences in AA and then relapsed, all in the public eye. Would that harm AA? I don’t think so. AA is far stronger than that. It is so much bigger than any individual. It will not work for everyone but it does work for me. For many years, I have been very open about my addiction and recovery. Because of this, thousands of people have reached out to ask me how they can change their own lives. I can’t tell them how they should do it, but I can tell them how I did it. I hope I have helped some of them find their own path to sobriety. And I hope people never stop asking me how I turned things around.
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I am sincerely grateful to . . .
Captain Duncan Smith, for those early years at Presidio Adventure Racing Academy. Michael Lucero and his legacy live on, as do many friendships that were forged at the Presidio: Chris Haggerty, Rolf Dengler, Ian Adamson.
Josh Gelman, Susan Zirinsky, and Dan Rather at CBS 48 Hours for allowing me to carry cameras around the jungle in Borneo. That experience changed the course of my life. Josh, thanks for continuing to be my friend. And a special note to Mr. Rather: I apologize for wrecking those video cameras. Though it may be of little consolation to you now, my adventure videography skills have greatly improved!
Tom Forman, for hiring me as a producer on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, despite my complete lack of qualifications. That show, and the incredible people I met while working on it, remains a top-shelf memory for me.
Mike P. and Jason Martin, for your creativity, your belief in my wacky ideas, and, most of all, your friendship.
Steve and Tamara Lackey, for your love and support. You gave me a chance to earn a dime but, more importantly, gain an ounce of hope when I had so little of both.
Mario Lacerda, I will always be grateful that you invited me to run the grueling Brazil 135 in 2013. It was like hitting a reset button for my life!
Greg Clark and Scott Blind, for your friendship and for putting me to work when I needed it most. You both have gone above and beyond by always taking me at my word and believing in my work ethic, no matter the obstacles faced.
Rubin Hanan, Terry Montgomery, and Pat Burns, for placing your confidence in me and setting me in motion. Your guidance and friendship have helped to create a future that I can believe in.
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To those who have taken my crazy adventure ideas seriously, kept me hydrated, and remembered to never talk to me while I was peeing . . .
Thanks to all the people who have given up their time and energy to crew for me during expeditions and races over the years. I could not have endured Badwater, Running the Sahara, Running America, or dozens of other events without your help. I was the one running, but each of you was hit with the same weather conditions, hunger, thirst, and sleep deprivation. I have always maintained that running is the easy job. I have just one thing to focus on, running, while my support team is charged with every small detail. Not only have my crews kept me safe and healthy, you have raised my spirits and kept me moving forward. Because of you, I will always remember that “the chair is the enemy.” In particular, I thank Chuck Dale, Kista Cook, Jim Siverts, Lisa Trexler, Rebecca Byerly, Dean Hart, Chris Justice, Bobby Christiansen, Danny Moy, Louise Cooper, Justin Andrews, Meredith Dolhare, and Marcus Edvalson.
Tim Beggy, thanks for your friendship. You started the ball rolling on Running the Sahara. Thanks also to James Moll, Matt Damon, Larry Tanz, Marc Joubert, and Keith Quinn for believing in the Sahara project and helping to make it happen and to Mia Hamm and Jacky Gilardi for the roles that you played.
Jim Van Eerden, you are a great friend and I will always be grateful for your support of Running the Sahara. More importantly, it was an honor to be a
cofounder, along with you and Matt Damon and LivePlanet, of H2O Africa. The good we did together will always be a highlight of my life. Thanks to the great work that Matt Damon and Gary White continue to do today at water.org, the legacy of Running the Sahara lives on.
Mohamed Ixa and the crew at Tidene, thank you for your invaluable assistance and companionship across the Sahara. Without you, I would very likely still be wandering around in the desert. I worry about you and the safety of your families in Niger. You are always in my heart.
Kevin Kerwin and Kate O’Neil, you have my sincerest thanks for making Running America an incredible film. It was the hardest physical experience of my life and you guys made it bearable. Chuck Dale, Jenny Dengler, Dave Pearson, Brian Weinberg, and Dr. Paul Langevin, thanks for not letting me die somewhere in Utah. Thanks also to Marshall Ulrich and his wife, Heather. Life doesn’t go in a straight line and things don’t always work out the way we think they will, but I still remember the good times.
And to my 2013 Badwater all-rookie crew, which included the love of my life, Stacey Astacianna Hatcher, my longtime friends and former teammates, Matt Battiston and Mike Prstojevich, new lifelong friends George Myers and Chris Benjamin, and the ever reliable Louis Pitts, you were all-stars and helped me pull off my most memorable Badwater yet. Gas in the tank or no gas in the tank, it all worked out!
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For when I looked into the abyss . . .
I offer the deepest thanks to the 120 friends, family, and complete strangers who wrote letters of support to the judge before my sentencing. I confess that I did not see the letters until I was in prison and, at that time, I was incapable of reading them. I tried, but the emotions just cut too deep. And despite your generous assessments of my character, I felt that I had to remain hardened to survive my new circumstances. As time passed, I was embarrassed that I hadn’t read your letters and thanked each of you personally. So, I stored them away. Finally, while writing this book, I dug them out and read them, one by one. I could not have felt more humbled. Your letters showed the judge that I was loved and respected. But of much greater value to me, your words have helped me to heal and move past some of my pain and grudges. This acknowledgment is flanked by the sentiment that mere words cannot do justice. Please just be assured that you each have my gratitude and love far beyond anything I can express.
David Willey, John Atwood, and the staff at Runner’s World magazine, thank you for publishing my article about the Barkley Marathons while I was incarcerated. You took a chance and I am grateful. I am also proud that “Notorious” was chosen as one of the top fifty articles in Runner’s World’s first fifty years.
Joe Nocera of the New York Times, thank you for answering my father’s letter. The spotlight you shined on my case helped to make this book possible. Your passion for finding the truth is inspiring.
My fellow inmates, who were part of the Native American sweat lodge at Beckley FCI. I learned many things from that experience. You helped me come to terms with my incarceration and to be grateful for what I still had rather than angry about all that I had lost.
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I give my most heartfelt thanks to . . .
Richard Engle, my father, for devoting your heart, time, and resources to defending me during some of my darkest times, and against unimaginable odds.
Molly Engle, for taking care of me and always treating me as your son, instead of a pesky stepson that you had to tolerate.
Dina Engle, for being a supportive stepsister through the years and for reminding me of childhood stories that I had long forgotten. Your memory is sharper than mine. Maybe I can be a better brother someday.
Coke Ariail, my stepfather and friend, for sharing your lifelong love of literature and passion for storytelling. The books you have given me through the years will always be my favorites.
Mud and Daddy Bill, Nanny, Grandmother and Granddad Engle, for loving me when I was a kid. One of my greatest regrets is that I did such a lousy job of being a grandson. Boys often don’t get a clue until it is too late.
Pam Engle, for being a good mom and for putting up with my crazy ideas even when you might not have been thrilled by them. Together, we have raised two of the best young men I know.
Brett and Kevin, my sons, for reading parts of this book and giving me your honest feedback. You know my voice better than anyone. Not a day passes when I am not in awe of the kind, compassionate, and uniquely gifted men you have become. I love you both without limits.
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Rolf and Jenny Dengler, for being amazing friends. You have all of my love and then some. Just no more disposable cameras!
David Faber, for putting up with me as a roommate during a crazy period of my life. I am your friend and always will be.
Dianette Wells, for being an amazing friend and teammate. Most importantly, thanks for loving my boys whenever they would stay still long enough to let you.
Rob Coyne, for sticking with me in successful times and also when I fall flat on my face. You are family.
Kevin Lin, for making me laugh even in the heart of miserable conditions and for being my pacing rabbit in the Gobi. You gave me your trust and your friendship and, along with Ray Zahab, we accomplished something that gives us an unbreakable bond. Ray, you remain my brother, lifelong coach, and favorite Canadian!
Chip Pitts, for taking me in when I had no place to go. You did this after my arrest and after my release from prison. You are a friend in more ways than I can mention here. I love you like a brother.
Kelly and Bryson Walker, Chip and Minda Hunter, Lester Pace, and Jim Johnson for helping my kids while I was away. You were the village that it took to raise children who were not your own and you will always be family.
Elaine Daniels and Gary Misenheimer, for looking after my boys and for being the best friends I could ask for.
Meredith Dolhare, for being an amazing confidante and ally, for loving my boys, and for always supporting my adventures. I look forward to taking on more challenges together down the road.
Emily Wilson Oliver, for your friendship and for getting my audio-tapes transcribed.
Todd Eichler, for being one of the nicest guys I know, even if you did go to Duke. Go Heels!
Greg Fenton, for giving me a chance to fall more deeply in love with Puerto Rico and with Astacianna. Meeting you at Badwater 2013 was an unexpected and now enduring gift.
Chris Roman, for always being kind and supportive. You embody the true meaning of compassion, and I never doubt that you will stand by those in whom you believe.
Steve Hilts, for being a witness to many events in my life, from races in Ecuador and Borneo, to chasing records across Death Valley. You were the only guest at my barefoot wedding deep in the redwoods of Big Sur. That was a stellar day, and you are a stellar man.
Chris Justice, for telling me truths I did not want to hear, while very clearly remaining in my corner. You always had my back. And I know you still get a little nervous when my name pops up on your caller ID. Thanks for always answering and thanks for remaining my friend.
David Johnstone, for your steadfast support for more than twenty years.
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When there simply are not enough words . . .
Momma, you gave me my voice but you never told me what to say. In a lifetime, what else could I hope to achieve but your unflinching confirmation that I am worthy, that I have value, that I am loved even when I am at my worst. When your mind is wandering without your permission, and you can’t find the words you’ve misplaced, I know that you see in yourself only what is missing. Rest assured, I see all that is still there. Don’t worry about me, Momma. You have given me all that I need to get through this life. I love you today and every day.
Kim McCowan, your love and care for my mother throughout these heartbreaking years has meant everything to me. The love and compassion you have for my m
omma leaves me speechless. Alzheimer’s disease has taken so much from my mother but thanks to you, her work and her memory will live on. Thanks to Randy Gue at Emory University for protecting my mother’s work. And thanks to all of you who love my mother and supported her work, especially Taylor Gibson, Warren Johnston, Kelly Hill, Pici, Sharon Sanders, Bob Sellers, and my aunt Laura Ranson.
I am blessed to call Steve Lucey a great friend of mine. Without you, Steve, I would most likely not be capable of running at all anymore. Your brilliance as a knee surgeon is undeniable and for that I am lucky. Even more important to me is the warmth and generosity that you and your amazing family have shown me and my boys through the years. I will always look forward to the next meal at the Lucey house.
I have the deepest respect and gratitude for my friend Howell Woltz, whom I consider to be one of the finest men I have ever known. You taught me which lines to cross and which ones to accept. You helped me use my incarceration as a tool to help others rather than a weapon to lash out at the world. Thanks to you, I understand that what happened to me, what was done to me, was not my fault. More importantly though, you taught me how to thrive in prison, instead of just survive. Justice isn’t always just, but silver linings are most often created through hard work and perseverance. Thank you, my friend.
I will be forever grateful to the Hatchers for raising such an amazing daughter, although I’m not sure who to thank for her stubbornness. My gratitude to Russell, whom I finally cornered in the driveway, for agreeing to let me marry her, despite the fact that I had already proposed. I never have been good at organization. Special thanks to Paulette for not tossing me out of the house after reading portions of the book, some of which contained very colorful language. Your feedback was truly valuable. I am proud to be part of your family.
Finally, countless thanks to my wife, Stacey Astacianna Hatcher, for helping me throughout the very challenging process of writing Running Man. You made sure that my voice remained clear. There were many times that I wasn’t sure I was capable of finishing this book, but you never wavered. You read every word over and over, usually telling me what I needed to hear rather than only what I wanted to hear. This book would still only be halfway finished if you had not been there to encourage me to just sit down and write. I was inspired by your dedication and patience at every stage of this endeavor. Above all, thank you for loving me and for letting me love you.
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