by Paige Toon
‘As long as you know what you’re doing,’ Dad said, making me squirm.
His anxieties were still playing on my mind the following day. Judy answered the door when I went to call on Angus.
‘Oh! Hello, Eliza, I thought you were Phoebe there, for a moment!’
I forced a smile. ‘No, she doesn’t get back until Saturday.’ She was coming home in time for Christmas, but would return to France before the New Year.
‘What a shame she can’t make your gig tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to it.’
‘Are you coming?’ I asked with surprise.
‘Of course! Angus wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t support you.’
It was a sweet, innocent comment, but it made my heart sing.
The problem was, nothing could stay innocent forever.
Angus was the first person I went to after I stepped down from the stage. He took me in his arms and hugged me hard. I was ecstatic. Despite the uninspiring surroundings, I had loved every minute of the set.
‘What about me?’ Dad interrupted. He and Mum had both come along to support me.
As I pulled away from Angus to hug him, I caught sight of Judy’s face and the look of wary concern she was wearing. I was instantly on edge.
‘Meet you in the tree house later?’ I asked Angus before we left.
‘Yeah, see you there,’ he said in my ear, touching my arm.
I waited for forty-five minutes and it was flipping freezing. Just as I was about to give up and blow out the lantern candle, he appeared.
‘Where have you been?’ I exclaimed.
‘Sorry,’ he muttered. ‘I got talking to Mum.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, noticing his mood. ‘Has she said something about me?’
He looked alarmed at the question. ‘Why would you think that?’
‘I saw the look on her face, after we hugged.’
His eyes dropped to the floor.
‘Does she know you’re here?’ I asked.
‘No,’ he replied uncomfortably.
‘Tell me what’s wrong,’ I urged, leaning forward. I gave his forearm a small squeeze and he glanced down at my hand before looking up abruptly to meet my eyes.
‘Do you think Phoebe would mind that we’re friends?’ he asked.
I let him go and sat back against the wall. ‘She shouldn’t. Why? What has your mum said?’
‘She thinks that I’m being reckless.’
‘Reckless, how?’ I asked, my pulse jumping unpleasantly.
‘She’s worried I’m leading you on.’
‘And what do you think?’ I asked hotly, trying to cover up how mortified I felt.
‘I think that I feel more for you than I should.’
The intensity in his expression made my heart skip a beat.
‘Angus,’ I warned, shaking my head. I knew I was playing with fire by getting close to him, but I thought I was the only one who’d get burnt. I didn’t think Angus would be affected, and I certainly didn’t expect to hurt Phoebe.
He hadn’t taken his eyes from mine. ‘This is where you admit that you have feelings for me, too,’ he said in a low voice.
‘No,’ I replied adamantly, shoving open the rickety wooden door and climbing out into the dark, frosty night. He didn’t try to stop me from leaving.
I was all over the place the next day. Luckily, it was snowing, so I could hibernate indoors.
But then another day passed without us seeing each other and I began to fret. It was clear that he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him, but did that mean he regretted what he’d said? I wished I could truthfully say that I hoped he did.
With Phoebe due home on Saturday, we were running out of time to smooth things over. But his mum had finished work for Christmas and I was too chicken to call on him for fear of bumping into her.
Then, on the Thursday afternoon, I was sitting on the windowsill when I saw Angus going outside to his car. Without thinking, I opened the window. He looked up at me.
‘Where are you going?’ I tried to force an easy smile.
‘To the supermarket for Mum,’ he replied flatly.
‘Can I come for the ride?’ I asked casually.
His brow furrowed, then he nodded hesitantly. I ran downstairs and grabbed my coat, calling out to Mum and Dad to see if they needed anything.
By the time I’d hurried them up for a list, the ice had thawed from his windscreen.
‘Sorry about that.’ I climbed in and pulled the door shut with a clunk. ‘Mum and Dad asked me to grab a few things.’
‘It’s fine,’ he said, putting his left hand on the back of my headrest and looking over his shoulder as he reversed. I snuck a glance at his face and my heart contracted.
‘How have you been?’ I asked when we were moving forward again. One of us had to bite the bullet.
‘Fine,’ he replied shortly.
‘Have you been busy?’
‘Liza, it’s okay,’ he said out of the blue. ‘I get it.’
‘Get what?’ I asked carefully, tensing as he pulled up at the kerb and turned to face me.
‘I know that you feel the same as I do.’
The blood rushed into my cheeks as he continued.
‘But I also know that Phoebe will always come first for you. You’d never hurt her.’
‘I wouldn’t,’ I agreed, fervently shaking my head at him.
‘I know that this is a bit screwed up. I still care for her a lot, probably more than she cares for me, judging by how little she’s been in touch.’ He didn’t even sound bitter; he was just stating a fact. ‘But even if she and I call it quits for good, which feels like a distinct possibility at the moment, I know she wouldn’t like you and me to be toge—’
‘She’d hate it,’ I interrupted.
We both fell silent. After a while, he spoke.
‘Anyway, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything, but I was confused and I can’t shut up around you.’ He smiled at me pensively. ‘Do you reckon we can go back to being mates?’
‘Of course we can,’ I replied, relief intermingling with regret.
I somehow managed to convince myself that once Christmas was over and he’d returned to university, we’d be able to get back to the way we were. But then Phoebe came home and I was completely and utterly unprepared for the jealousy that I felt when I saw her with Angus.
Don’t get me wrong: things weren’t great between them. She seemed a little cool, and maybe he was more bitter than he’d let on about her not calling him much, because you could’ve cut the tension between them with a knife. Still, I backed right off.
Surprisingly, Rose proved to be a decent distraction. I found myself hanging out with her, asking her about her course and her friends. She loved telling me gruesome nursing stories and most of the time I enjoyed listening.
Phoebe headed back to France the day before New Year’s Eve. That evening, I opened my window to have a sneaky cigarette. I’d only taken a couple of puffs when I heard Angus’s window opening.
‘Hey,’ he said, leaning out.
‘Alright,’ I replied offhandedly. I knew I was going to find it hard even to look at him for a bit.
‘You okay?’
‘Fine.’
I felt him watching me, but I fixed my attention on the front garden below.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked eventually.
‘Are you still going to Darryl’s New Year’s Eve party?’
He seemed surprised by my out-of-the-blue question.
‘Um, yeah. Are you?’
‘I think so. Do you know if your mate from the Leisure Centre, Jake, is?’
‘Er, I don’t know,’ he replied uneasily. ‘Why, do you want him to be going?’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe.’
Angus and Jake had worked as lifeguards at the pool over the summer. Jake had come to my gig and I’d caught his eye a few times. He was a little older than us, good-looking, fit and, importantly, still lived locally. Why sho
uldn’t I set my sights on him?
‘I could ask him, if you like?’ Angus said.
‘Yeah, that would be good.’ I felt a sudden, inexplicable swell of anger.
‘Are you sure you’re alright?’ he asked again.
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Are you missing Phoebe? Did you like having her home?’
‘Did you?’ I turned his second question around on him.
He shrugged again. ‘It was okay. No, actually, it was pretty pants,’ he admitted truthfully.
I frowned at him, meeting his eyes at last.
‘You know we broke up properly, right?’ he said.
‘What, permanently?’
‘She didn’t mention it?’
‘No, once more, she didn’t.’
He nodded at my cigarette. ‘Have you got any more of those?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Want to meet me in the tree house?’
I hesitated, but only for a moment. ‘Okay.’
I snuck out of the house without telling Mum and Dad where I was going. It’s not like I needed their permission to do things at my age – after all, I was eighteen – but they might’ve found it a bit odd. I hoped they wouldn’t check up on me on their way to bed.
Angus was outside before me and I watched as he folded his long limbs over the fence, just missing the flowerbed as he dropped to the soggy grass. He had a bag in his right hand and he gave me a small smile before climbing up the ladder. I followed him up and pulled the door closed, then we both took off our boots. I lit a couple of candles and settled in one of the beanbags. He pulled out a small bottle of vodka, a big bottle of coke and a couple of disposable cups.
‘Are you drowning your sorrows?’ I asked as he cracked open the vodka.
‘No,’ he replied calmly. ‘It’s not like we didn’t see it coming.’
‘I can’t believe Phoebe failed to mention it again.’ I was upset, actually. I hadn’t felt very close to her at Christmas. It had been partly my fault. I hadn’t made much of an effort, but she hadn’t even asked how my recent gig had gone. I kept getting the feeling that she hadn’t wanted to be at home and that hurt.
Angus handed me a cup. I chucked him my packet of cigarettes and surreptitiously watched him as he lit up. His face was so handsome highlighted by the flame, his cheekbones even more pronounced. He took a drag and blew the smoke out through a crack in the door.
‘So, what’s this about Jake?’ he asked. ‘You’ve got the hots for him, now?’
‘I’ve always thought he was good-looking.’
‘You reckon?’
I was thrilled at the hostility in his voice. Was he jealous?
‘Do you think he fancies me?’ I asked, hoping to wind him up further.
‘Of course he does.’
My eyes widened. ‘Has he said anything to you?’
‘Yeah, and you wouldn’t like it if you heard it, so don’t ask.’
‘Tell me!’ I exclaimed, prodding his stomach with my socked foot.
‘No.’
‘Go on.’ I prodded him again and he grabbed the ball of my foot, holding it steady. My stomach fluttered as he stared at me with irritation.
‘Let’s just say he’d be happy with any one of you, or all three at once.’ He shoved my foot away.
‘Oh, is that all?’ I said in a bored voice, adding a yawn for good measure. ‘We’ve heard it before. Loads of times.’
‘Yeah, well, I wanted to deck him when he said it to me.’ He glared at me and took a swig of his drink.
‘Aw, Angus.’ I prodded him again, but this time when his hand closed around me, he didn’t show any sign of letting go.
‘I hate it when people lump you together like you’re the same.’ He held my foot against his chest and I could just about feel his heart beating beneath my sole. ‘You couldn’t be more different.’
I smiled a small smile at him, but I didn’t know what to say. ‘Give us a drag.’ I leant forward and took the cigarette from him. He relaxed back into the beanbag and regarded me levelly as I inhaled.
‘You don’t really like Jake, do you?’ he asked.
‘Why do you care?’
He gave me a meaningful look, but didn’t spell it out. My head spun. The vodka was already making me woozy and the cigarette wasn’t helping.
‘No,’ I murmured.
He took a deep, shaky breath and sighed heavily, not taking his eyes from mine.
‘How many guys have you been out with?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. Five.’
‘Were you serious with them?’
‘You mean sex?’ I asked directly.
He nodded warily.
‘I haven’t been with anyone like that.’
His jaw hit the floor.
‘Surprised?’ I asked drily.
‘A bit,’ he replied, gobsmacked.
‘You’re not the only one. People generally think I’m the floozy triplet.’
I offered up his cigarette, but he shook his head, still looking a bit stunned. The smoke was adding to my dizziness so I sat forward, opened the door and threw the cigarette out.
‘Remind me to hide the butt in the morning,’ I said, starting in surprise as his hand slid up the back of my calf.
He froze, and then held both palms up. ‘Sorry.’
‘Did you forget who I was for a second?’ I asked mockingly, removing my foot from his chest. I’d seen him do that to Phoebe.
‘Fuck off,’ he said with annoyance.
‘Angus Templeton, you’ve got quite a temper on you tonight.’
‘Eliza Thomson, you’re a fine one to talk,’ he replied in the same tone of voice.
‘Do you think I’m an angry person?’ I asked, taken aback.
‘Well, you’re not all hearts and flowers like Rose, that’s for sure.’
‘You think Rose is hearts and flowers? She’s got some serious spikiness to her.’
‘I’m not saying she’s a push-over. But she’s softer than you and Phoebe are.’
I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘If Phoebe and I didn’t exist, would you fancy Rose?’
‘What a thing to ask!’
‘Answer me.’
His eyebrows pulled together as he thought about the question. ‘Well, no, probably not.’
That didn’t sound very definitive.
He shrugged. ‘I mean, she’s beautiful, she’s kind, she’s funny. Technically I should fancy her, but I don’t know.’
‘I think I’m going to call it a night,’ I said darkly, reaching for my boots and pulling them on.
‘Hang on, what’s wrong?’ He sat up, sounding genuinely baffled. ‘You did say if you and Phoebe didn’t exist.’
I shook my head, suddenly feeling hopeless as I stared back at him. ‘I don’t know, Angus. I shouldn’t give a damn who you like, and you shouldn’t give a damn who I like. What’s wrong with us?’
We stared at each other for a long, heated moment. Butterflies crowded my stomach and went absolutely berserk.
‘Shit,’ he murmured.
‘No,’ I whispered, shaking my head a minuscule amount.
The next thing I knew our mouths were colliding.
Shivers rocketed up and down my spine as he tugged me onto his lap, my knees straddling his thighs. I kissed him back passionately, pushing my fingers through his hair as he pulled me hard against him. It felt so good, I couldn’t bear for it to stop.
The more he kissed me, the more delirious I felt. The ache inside became more pressing, more intense. I needed more. He unzipped my hoodie and slid it down my arms, kissing my neck and biting gently as my head spun and I stared up at the candlelit ceiling.
‘I want you,’ he whispered, making me tremble.
I slid my hands inside his shirt and his kisses became more frenzied as they traced the waistline of his jeans, coming to a rest on his belt buckle.
He said my name at the same time as Dad shouted it.
; ‘ELIZA! ARE YOU DOWN THERE?’
We both froze, but I came to my senses first.
‘YES!’ I shouted back, staring at Angus with wide-eyed alarm. If Dad found him here, he’d freak out.
‘YOU’LL CATCH YOUR DEATH OUT HERE! IT’S MINUS TWO!’
‘I’M COMING!’ I shouted back, climbing off Angus and pulling on my hoodie. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘He’ll be down here checking on me in a minute.’
‘Hey,’ he said as I pushed open the door. ‘Wait.’
‘What?’
He pulled me to him and kissed my lips. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
Tomorrow came, and with it the guilt. It was overwhelming. I wanted to blame the alcohol, but we hadn’t had that much to drink. I was so freaked out. If Dad hadn’t interrupted us, how far would we have gone? Would we have had sex? Where would that have left me if we had? Absolutely broken.
It frightened me how much I’d lost my senses. In the cold light of day, I knew beyond any doubt that I could not have a serious relationship with the boy that my sister had lost her virginity to. The thought of the two of us giving ourselves to the same guy made me feel sick with shame. I would have been the floozy triplet that people joked about. The slag. The slut.
I got up the next day and went into town, telling my parents that I was going busking. Angus texted me to ask which street I was on so I assumed he’d called round looking for me, but I ignored him. I didn’t want him to find me.
He tried ringing, but I didn’t answer so he left a message saying that he’d see me at Darryl’s later. Mum and Dad were planning to drive Rose and me to the party after a meal at a posh restaurant they’d booked weeks before. But there was no way I was going. They dropped Rose off and I went home to bed, claiming to be unwell. Early the next morning, I got up and went to visit an old school friend who’d moved to Birmingham. Luckily she and her family were happy to put me up for a couple of days with next to no notice.
Angus didn’t stop calling or texting. Finally he left a message that was bound to get my attention: ‘I’m guessing that Rose told you what happened on New Year’s Eve.’
Of course, I was desperate to know what he meant by that. So I called him back.
‘Eliza!’ he exclaimed. ‘What the hell? Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?’
‘I’m returning them now,’ I said. ‘What happened with Rose?’