by Paige Toon
He shakes his head good-naturedly and I smirk.
‘Come on, Gus, it’s going to be okay, you know. You and Eliza have only just got started. Properly, I mean. I know you had a thing ten years ago.’
He doesn’t deny it or try to explain.
‘I’m just not sure she’ll ever be able to get over her guilt about Phoebe.’ He sounds so jaded. I get up and go to sit next to him.
‘She will. It’ll just take time,’ I say, running my hand up and down his back soothingly.
‘She doesn’t believe Phoebe would have ever been okay with her and me. Eliza has always been utterly black and white about it. I was with Phoebe first, so she always said I was Phoebe’s and could never be hers.’
He’s never spoken to me so openly before about my sisters. We’ve never had that sort of relationship. I’m not sure I like it, but I continue rubbing his back, encouraging him to go on.
‘Phoebe and I had just broken up when Eliza and I kissed, but that didn’t stop Eliza from freaking out. She wouldn’t see me or speak to me. She was really upset when I told her what happened between you and me.’
My hand on his back freezes. A moment later I let it drop to my lap, too uncomfortable to touch him now. He stays hunched forward, talking to me over his shoulder, but not expecting me to make eye contact. It’s a small relief.
‘The awful thing was, literally the night before, I’d told her I thought you were all so different.’ He laughs unhappily. ‘Then I fucked up at that party by kissing you.’
‘You were drunk.’ I try to sound reasonable, but I feel mortified that we’re having this conversation at all. ‘And I didn’t exactly stop you,’ I add, squirming in my seat.
To my dismay, he turns to look at me properly, a curious expression on his face. ‘No, you didn’t, did you?’ he says. ‘Not at first. You did eventually.’
‘I came to my senses,’ I say. ‘Oh God, Angus.’ I bury my burning face in my hands. ‘I might’ve had a bit of a crush on you too.’
‘Did you?’ He reels backwards with astonishment.
I peek at him through my fingers. ‘This is so embarrassing.’
He looks bemused. ‘What the hell? Why?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say, shrugging helplessly. ‘Let’s just say that there were many times when I wished you were a triplet, too.’
I giggle and with my amusement as permission, he cracks up laughing and falls back onto the sofa.
The next morning, I’m still feeling reasonably cheerful when I go into work, but the look on Toby’s face when I walk through the door takes some of the edge off.
‘Morning,’ he says grumpily.
‘What’s up with you?’ I ask him outright.
‘Nothing,’ he replies.
The cupcakes on the counter divert my attention. They’re beautifully decorated with icing all of the colours of the rainbow.
‘Wait, did your—’
‘Mum baked them,’ he completes my sentence.
‘Wow! She’s feeling a bit better, then?’ I ask with delight.
‘I guess so,’ he mutters, pushing through the door to the bakery.
I stare after him, but a customer arrives so I have to focus on attending to them.
As soon as there’s a break in our customer traffic, I peek into the bakery, but Toby is nowhere to be seen. I don’t want to leave the shop floor unattended so I go to the windows at the back and wrench one of them open.
‘Oi!’ I exclaim with annoyance at the sight of him perched on the bench seat, an almost burnt-out fag in his right hand.
He puts the butt to his lips and inhales deeply, glaring at me through a wisp of smoke.
‘I thought you’d quit?’
He throws the butt down and grinds his heel onto it as he exhales.
‘Why should you care?’ he mutters, sounding like a teenager.
‘Oh, grow up, Toby,’ I snap, closing the window again.
I’m expecting him to be in a mood for ages, so I’m surprised when he apologises on his return.
‘Sorry,’ he says in my ear, touching his hand on my arm. He lets go and leans up against the counter.
‘It’s okay,’ I reply, still a little put out.
‘Dad’s found a replacement for you,’ he tells me quietly.
I glance at him with surprise. ‘Has he? That was quick.’
‘She’s a single mum and she asked if she can start as soon as possible. He told her she could come in a week from today.’ He stares at me despondently.
‘Oh.’ I’m shocked. ‘That’s so soon. So he wants me to finish on Friday?’
He nods slowly, meaningfully.
‘Wow. Guess I’d better get on with sorting out my train ticket, then. No time like the present, hey?’
He leans forward and I start in surprise as his hand finds mine.
‘I’m going to miss you.’
‘I’m going to miss you, too,’ I reply, meeting his dark-eyed stare. The door whooshes open and he sighs, dropping my hand as he straightens up. ‘What can I get for you?’ he asks the customer.
An idea occurs to me during the day, but it’s not until I’m standing on the pavement and Toby is locking up that I pluck up the courage to ask him.
‘Will you come to Eliza’s gig with me on Friday night?’ I shift on my feet. ‘I was thinking it could be sort of like my leaving do.’
‘Sure,’ he replies casually, making me wonder why I didn’t ask earlier. He shoves his keys into his jeans pocket. ‘Have you sorted things out with her, then?’ he asks.
‘We’re moving in the right direction,’ I reply, telling him about our trip to London. Before I know it, we’re halfway to Angus’s and have passed the turning to his house.
‘Erm, has your dad mentioned anything to you about a conversation we had?’ I ask edgily, remembering what I said to Gavin.
Toby raises an inquisitive eyebrow. ‘No? What about?’
‘I sort of told him that you’d like to go travelling, but you didn’t want to leave him with so much to deal with.’
His shoulders slump. ‘Rose!’
‘Sorry!’ I exclaim. ‘It just sort of came out! He wasn’t angry, though. He just said you’d better get saving.’
He shakes his head at me, but he’s not annoyed. ‘I’ve been saving for a car for ages,’ he reveals.
‘Can you drive?’ I ask with surprise.
‘Of course I can bloody drive,’ he exclaims.
‘Sorry, it’s just that I only usually see you on a skateboard.’
‘Dad would let me borrow his car, but I never damn well go anywhere, do I? Christ.’ He shakes his head. ‘I really need to get a life.’
And I really need to sort out my travel plans.
Chapter 37
Eliza
‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’
I’m on the phone to Angus. I rang him, but from the tone of his voice, the call is unwelcome.
‘You sound down,’ I say, my stomach awash with nerves.
‘I’m trying to find some answers,’ he replies. ‘But I’m not getting very far. I wanted to do something that might help us move forward.’
I feel a rush of relief, but also disappointment. ‘Without the guilt?’ I ask, continuing before he can answer. ‘You’re fooling yourself. I don’t think there is any closure in this for you. I don’t think Phoebe had any intention of cheating on you with Remy. She was coming back home to marry you. And you’ve got to be okay with that. I’ve got to be okay with that.’ Hot tears well up in my eyes. ‘I want to be okay with that,’ I add desolately.
‘I wish we were having this conversation in person,’ he says quietly. ‘Because I’d really like to hold you right now.’
‘I’d really like that too,’ I reply, dragging a finger under my eye to protect my mascara from tears. ‘But I’ve got to get to work.’
‘Rose and I are coming to your gig on Friday night,’ he tells me.
‘Are you?’ This makes me smile.
‘Okay.’
The next couple of days drag by. I resist calling Angus again and he doesn’t call me. It hurts a little, but I figure we’ll be seeing each other in person on Friday night, and hopefully we’ll both feel better after the time apart.
But that philosophy goes out of the window when his home number flashes up on my Caller ID on Friday morning.
My heart jumps as I answer the phone. ‘Angus?’
‘It’s Rose,’ my sister replies, and a wave of disappointment crashes through me, followed swiftly by an after flow of self-reproach. ‘Mum says you’re coming this way today?’
‘That’s right,’ I reply. I’m starting a fresh apartment search. I haven’t yet told Angus that I’m planning to look for somewhere in Sale. With Rose leaving, I’d like to be closer to Mum. And obviously I want to be closer to him, too.
‘Is everything okay?’ I ask, detecting an edge to Rose’s tone.
‘Yes, but I’d like to see you before tonight if there’s any way you can swing by. It’s my last day today, but Toby says I can pop home for an hour.’
‘You want to meet me at Angus’s?’ I check, feeling odd about the idea.
‘Yes. Is that okay?’ She sounds hesitant.
‘It’s fine.’ I try to shrug off my unease. ‘How’s eleven o’clock for you?’
‘Perfect,’ she says with what sounds like relief.
I wonder what this is about.
It doesn’t feel right walking into Angus’s apartment for the first time and being welcomed by Rose. Angus has impeccable taste and I can’t help but feel proud as I stand in the airy open-plan living space and take in the surroundings. I just wish he were here himself to show me around.
‘Where are the bedrooms?’ I ask Rose, pointing questioningly back towards the hall.
She nods. ‘I’m on the right.’
I poke my head around her door and smile at the neatly made up double bed with its floral bedcover. It couldn’t be further from what Angus would choose if he were decorating the room.
‘What’s so funny?’ Rose asks, put out at the look on my face.
‘Nothing,’ I reply with a smirk. ‘It’s a lovely room. Is that Angus’s there?’
‘Yes.’ She nods, but appears perturbed when I walk over to have a sneaky peek. It would be a serious case of double standards if she asked me to respect his privacy. But I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.
I push open the door and walk into his room. At the sight of his unmade bed, my mind is swamped with flashbacks of our night together. He has a white and grey spotted duvet cover and it’s been thrown back from the bed as though he’s just hopped out. The pillow still has an indentation from his head on it, I notice, and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with an intense longing to hold him tightly and have him hold me in return.
‘So,’ Rose says, dragging my attention back to her. ‘I don’t have a lot of time before I need to get back to work, but there’s something I want to show you.’
My brow furrows. ‘What?’ I ask as I follow her back into her bedroom.
‘This.’
I can barely believe it when she pulls out that flipping diary again.
I’m about to give her an earful, when she thrusts it, open, in front of my face.
‘“I know that Eliza keeps her distance because she’s in love with Angus”,’ she says, and my jaw hits the floor. Does she remember it, word for word?
She continues. ‘“And I know that he has feelings for her, too.”’
The blood drains from my face and I sit, shakily on her bed, taking the diary from her as I do so.
‘She wrote this the night before she died. She’d known how you felt for years,’ Rose says gently. ‘And she was okay about it. Better than okay,’ she adds as my heart leaps with hope. ‘Look,’ she says, pointing to another paragraph. ‘She felt guilty about getting to Angus first, because she knew you two would have made a great couple. But she also knew you would never take him from her, even if they weren’t together any more.’
My eyes skip over Phoebe’s words, my head spinning as I try to make sense of everything.
Rose paraphrases for me. ‘She says that she would have had to fall spectacularly out of love with Angus for you two to have ever stood a chance. And she said that while you knew that she still had feelings for him, you wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole.’
But it’s the sentence between these two that gets my attention, and my blood runs cold as I read it aloud:
‘“If Angus and Eliza are meant to be together, the stars and planets will have to align to make it happen.”’ My face crumples. ‘Oh God.’
‘No, no, no,’ Rose says, horrified. ‘Don’t think like that! That’s not why I showed you this! This is what you have to remember. Eliza!’ She shakes me slightly, trying to pull me together. ‘You saw him first! It was you! I read it in your diary. Your biggest mistake was not fighting for him. Neither of us ever fought Phoebe for anything! Luck just fell her way. She was like that and we all loved her for it, but she did enjoy being the centre of attention. You were always so fiercely protective of her, but her light blinded us at times and we have to remember that this is our life now. And we can’t waste it. You’ve got to let it go. Move on. Angus loves you and you love him and I won’t let you be unhappy any longer. I won’t accept it.’
‘Does he know about this?’ I choke out.
‘Hell, no,’ she replies. ‘You should have seen how mad he got when I found her things. He would have seriously flipped out if he knew I’d been reading her diary, too.’
‘What things?’ I ask, confused.
‘In the wardrobe in his bedroom.’ She looks uncomfortable as she tells me how Angus lost his rag.
‘That must’ve been upsetting,’ I say.
‘It was,’ she replies, and her discomfort seems to increase. ‘You were right, you know. I never loved him. I’ve been through crush after crush and have never really loved any man, not even Gerard, even though on paper he should’ve been a perfect catch. Apart from his not-ex-wife,’ she adds hastily. ‘I don’t know what my problem is. I do want to settle down, but maybe I need to find myself first,’ she says in a silly voice. ‘I think it will do me good to get away for a while, sort out what I really want from my life. But I’m going to miss you. I really am.’
‘I’m going to miss you, too.’ And I mean it so much it hurts.
The last time I played at Elvis & Joe’s, I was nervous. This time, my nerves are out of this world. Joe has told me that a couple of people from a local indie label have accepted his invitation to drop in tonight. He’s going to introduce them to me afterwards. I’m trying not to get my hopes up – I need to keep my cool – but it’s hard. And of course, I’m also incredibly on edge about seeing Angus again.
There’s a knock on the door, likely to be Michelle returning with my drink. I could do with some Dutch courage, but I never drink alcohol before a show. ‘Come in,’ I call, smiling as she pokes her head around the door.
‘Look who I found on their way in.’ She opens the door wider to reveal Rose – and Angus.
My heart flips. He looks so gorgeous in his old denim jeans and one of his faded band T-shirts.
‘Hi!’ I put my guitar down and hop to my feet, going to greet Rose first before turning to Angus.
‘Hey,’ he says, and he gives me a slightly awkward hug before retreating. My heart sinks, but I try not to let it show, taking the glass Michelle hands me.
‘Cheers.’ I raise my soft drink.
‘Empty-handed,’ Angus replies with a smile, holding his palms up. ‘We were just on our way to the bar.’
‘Toby’s there,’ Rose reminds him. The three of them came together. ‘I’ll help him. See you after?’ she asks me.
‘Definitely. Hopefully I’ll be able to relax more then.’
Michelle makes herself scarce along with Rose, so Angus and I find ourselves alone.
‘Ho
w are you feeling?’ he asks, pulling up a chair and sitting down. He rests his elbows on his knees.
‘Nervous,’ I admit, picking up my guitar again. I’ve already tuned it and it doesn’t need doing again, but I feel like I want something to hide behind.
‘Would you rather I left you to get your head together?’ he asks with concern.
‘No!’ I exclaim. ‘No, I’m glad you’re here,’ I state firmly.
He smiles a small smile, and I have an urge to put my guitar down, climb onto his lap, push his hair back from his face and kiss him.
‘You look beautiful,’ he says earnestly.
I glance down at my appearance, self-consciously. ‘Really? I wasn’t sure if I should go with something more colourful.’ I’m wearing a long-sleeve, sheer-black, floaty top that is fitted under my chest and bares my midriff, along with skinny dark blue jeans and silver sandals. I’ve styled my hair in a single fishtail plait.
‘Black suits you. And I like your hair like that, too.’
The look in his eyes melts my heart. I prop my guitar up against the wall and lean forward, running my right hand up his tanned forearm. He catches my fingers with his other hand and pulls me towards him, and then I’m where I wanted to be a moment earlier, straddling his lap and staring straight into his beautiful mottled eyes. He places his hands on my hips and edges me closer.
‘I missed you,’ he whispers.
‘I missed you, too,’ I whisper back, stroking my thumbs down the side of his warm face and raking my fingers through his sexy dark-blond hair. He stares back at me.
There’s a knock on the door.
‘Come in,’ I call, stifling a sigh. I’m a little shocked when I see it’s Joe, not Michelle. I clamber off Angus’s lap and straighten up, but Joe just looks tickled.
‘Angus, right?’
They shake hands and he turns back to me.
‘I just wanted to say hi. Is there anything you need?’
‘No, I’m fine, thank you,’ I say with a tense smile.
Angus presses my shoulder. ‘I’ll leave you to it.’
I watch him go with regret, but it’s time to psyche myself up, anyway.
Chapter 38
Rose
‘Actually, can you make mine a vodka and cranberry?’ I say to Toby, changing my order from wine at the last moment.