The audience sat silently staring at Arnie, waiting.
Arnie continued. “As you can see on this first slide, the new agenda shown on the left differs somewhat from the original agenda shown on the right. The first plenary session will now have two major presentations. The first, a thirty-minute presentation by Professor James Gribbs of the University of Michigan, entitled, ‘Trash the World Over — Let’s Recycle, Reduce and Reuse It.’ This will be followed by a presentation by well-known retired basketball player and now sports commentator, Chuck Barkey. His presentation, also thirty minutes, is entitled, ‘Trash Talk, It’s Origins, Practice, and Environmental Impact.’ Mr Barkey will address such environmentally relevant issues as, does trash talk lead to inappropriate urination and defecation? And, is spitting an environmentally harmful component of trash talk?
“After these two presentations and a fifteenminute break, we will resume in the auditorium with two debates. The first will be between Professor Jerry Hood of the University of Iowa, and Professor Frank McDeil of the University of British Columbia. The subject is the transport of hazardous materials. Dr. Hood favors use of trucking and Dr. McDiel favors hauling by train. They will present and defend their positions. This will be followed by a debate, using trash talk as appropriate, between two hockey players, Ray McClaine of St Louis and Billy Barnes of Toronto. They will debate the reasons fans throw objects such as tampons and live octopuses on the ice during games. They will examine the psychology behind this, as well as cleanup and disposal difficulties, and the potential environmental impact. At the end of each thirty-minute debate, we will allow ten minutes for audience questions and comments. We will then adjourn to lunch.
“After lunch, we will resume with three parallel sessions. Session One, to be held in the Pelican room, is ‘Sustainable Development without Burial by Trash.’ Session Two, in the Seagull Room, is ‘The State of Industrial Trash Compactors and Balers,’ and Session Three, in the Manatee Room, is entitled, ‘The Super Bowl and Excremental Overload: The Local Environmental Impact.’ This will address the issue of beer sales and hot dog promotion increasing the level of defecation and urination of the one hundred thousand plus fans attending to a level that overloads the system, and endangers surrounding bodies of water. The question will be asked, ‘Is this a real concern or just cosmetic?’ Three speakers in each of these parallel sessions will present different outlooks on the issues. Audience questions and comments are encouraged.
“As you can see on the next slide, the parallel sessions end at four p.m. and you are encouraged to wander around the conference lobby and examine various vendor displays. There will be much equipment and materials on display, as well as many books of interest. We have also added the opportunity for participants to enter into one-on-one trash talk jousts with Sterling Parsche, Chuck Barkey, or Mo Robbins at booths set up in the vendor area. This will provide an opportunity for beginners to learn and practice, and for pros to improve.
“Tonight is a free night. There are lists of restaurants attached to your programs. Also, we have provided each of you with separate lists of theaters, libraries, art galleries, night clubs, and even go-go bars for those feeling more adventuresome. If any of you are looking for something not on the lists, see the people at the lobby desk for help. I really want to thank everyone who is willing to take on a topic at such short notice and to participate in a debate or make a presentation. I can’t tell you how much the Planning Committee appreciates your help.
“I am now pleased to introduce my colleague, Jordy Gifford, who will chair the first session and introduce the speakers. Thank you.”
There was tentative applause and a few whoops as Arnie stepped down and Jordy took the podium.
C h a p t e r 18
Day one was relatively successful. Professor Gribbs’ presentation on ‘Trash the World Over’ went extremely well for the first twenty minutes, but then some of the athletes got a little bored.
Curt Shining, the only baseball player in the group shouted from the back row, “Enough shit. I don’t want my dinner dishes made from somebody’s garbage.”
Before Professor Gribb could address the comment, Reggie Bright, a football player from Cleveland, shouted back at Shining, “Hey Curt, shut up and go back to sleep before we have another ‘Shining moment’!”
All of the athletes and some of the environmentalists who followed major league baseball cheered and whooped. Bright’s reference to a Shining moment was the result of an incident two weeks before that had brought Shining, an outstanding pitcher with Texas, to national sport’s notoriety and to the injured reserve list, which was why he was available during baseball season to attend this meeting.
Shining was pitching a perfect game against Philadelphia. Texas led 2–0 in the top of the ninth. There were two outs and no Philadelphia batter had reached base. Shining was one out from a perfect game in front of his hometown crowd. He had two strikes and one ball on Hector Rivera, Philadelphia’s all-star second baseman. The crowd was absolutely silent, although bursting with anticipation. Shining wound up and threw a high fastball right down the middle and Rivera connected solidly. Shining’s mind was already on the celebration, and so he never reacted to avoid the line drive that came back like a bullet at the mound and hit him smack in the forehead. As Shining dropped like a stone, face down in a heap on the mound, the ball ricocheted in a slight arc right to Roberto Jessup, the Texas first baseman who was standing directly on the base and caught it for the final out. The crowd went wild, Texas players rushed from the dugout and from their positions on the field, but when they got to the pitcher’s mound, they weren’t sure what to do. A few patted the prone Shining on the back and congratulated him. Jessup lifted him up and held Shining erect, dancing around. Finally, he dropped Shining and the trainers picked him up and carried him to the dugout. Fortunately, some smelling salts restored his consciousness and tests revealed just a concussion, which would keep him out of the lineup for about two weeks. Shining only began to realize what happened after reading the many newspaper accounts of “another Shining moment” the next day.
After the brief outburst, Gribbs finished his presentation without further interruption.
Barkey’s presentation went well. He started by providing a description of trash talk for the benefit of those environmentalists who were not familiar with the art form. He gained enthusiastic cheers from the athletes when he attributed the origin of trash talk to two college coaches. The late Woody Hayes, former football coach at Ohio State, and Bobby Knight, the basketball coach for many years at the University of Indiana, and more recently at Texas A&M. Barkey claimed that these two had proven that constant derogatory verbal comments to a player, whether on their team or on an opposing team, could significantly, negatively impact their game. They also proved that trash talk had no long-term harmful effects on the player since later praise always restored, and perhaps even improved, their ability to play.
Barkey also discussed potentially environmentally deleterious impacts of trash talk. He described one case of a designated hitter in the American League who became so irate at the remarks being made by the opposing catcher while the aforementioned batter was at bat that he threw down his bat, dropped his pants, and defecated on home plate. The catcher, crouched just behind the plate, promptly threw up, and the umpire, after retreating several feet toward the backstop, threw the batter out of the game. As it turned out, there were no scoopers or shovels to clean up the mess, and so the backup catcher’s mitt was used. No one slid into home for the remainder of the game and most batters performed well below their usual batting average. The ousted batter was fined ten thousand dollars and suspended for three games, and the league imposed a requirement that shovel, pail, and mop be kept in the home team dugout for such emergencies. But, as far as anyone knew, they were never needed.
Although much spitting occurs in most pro sports, and there have been a few reports of football players being urinated on in the middle of a large pileup of play
ers, Barkey concluded that, other than a brown spot or two on the real-grass football fields, there was no significant environmental impact from these activities, and that the activities were generally not provoked by trash talk.
The sessions that followed varied in their interest to the athletes. The debate on “Transportation of Hazardous Waste — Truck or Train” didn’t seem to engender too much excitement, although some trash talk followed involving a few of the athletes.
Chuck Barkey chided Sterling Parsche, “Hey Parsche, you’re waste, but you’re not hazardous. Do you travel by truck or train?”
Parsche laughed. “Barkey, you were hazardous, but only to your own team. But you were merciful and retired.”
Barkey laughed loudly as the athletes in the audience and even some of the environmentalists hooted. This type of interaction began to occur more regularly as the meeting went on and, on occasion, even an environmentalist took a shot at a trash talk comment.
One environmentalist shouted to Ray McClaine and Billy Barnes at the end of their debate about why fans throw objects like live octopuses and tampons on the ice during hockey games. “Maybe they throw the octopuses to feed the hockey players.”
There were some boos from the crowd and Barnes retorted, “Maybe, but if there were environmentalists on the ice, they could eat the tampons.”
This led to more boos and hooting and whistling and everyone seemed to take the exchange in good spirit.
C h a p t
e r 19
Arnie, Jordy, Pam, and Melissa circulated among the sessions during the day, and in the late afternoon they moved into the vendor display area. They each meandered through the group to get a feel for the atmosphere after a nearly completed first day of this strangely modified meeting. Most of the comments they overheard were pretty favorable, but some of the athletes and environmentalists were still ill at ease with each other. Jordy overheard one conversation among a group of environmentalists where someone said that watching the interactions at this meeting was like watching a football coach and a ballet director discuss the strategy for their respective upcoming events.
A surprisingly successful activity appeared to be the trash talk tutorials with Parsche, Barkey, and Robbins. Each booth was packed with a mixture of athletes and environmentalists and were exceptionally boisterous. Everyone seemed to be enjoying them.
One of the tutorials used the “mother insult” to demonstrate to the environmentalists some classic trash talk.
Robbins and Parsche illustrated.
Robbins: “Your mother’s so fat, they crowned her ‘Burger Queen’.”
Parsche: “Your momma’s so stupid, she thought manual labor was a Mexican hero.”
Robbins: “Your momma’s so old, I asked her to act her age and she dropped dead.”
Parsche: “Your momma’s so fat, when she got lost, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.”
Robbins: “Your momma’s so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.”
Parsche: “Your momma’s so dumb, it takes her two hours to watch Sixty Minutes.”
Robbins: “Your momma’s so old, she sat next to Jesus in the third grade.”
Parsch: “Your momma’s so ugly, she doesn’t have a receding hair line. That’s her hair running away from her face.”
The crowd laughed and enjoyed the banter. They applauded, hissed, boo’d, and hooted with each statement.
Nervously, Arnie craned his neck, trying to scan the faces in the crowd — especially the faces of the female environmentalists. Lots of them must be mothers for crying out loud. What if they — but no, even they were cracking up. At one point Arnie noticed Mundhill stopping to listen. But he quickly walked away wearing his standard frown. He appeared to be heading for the elevator. Hopefully, Arnie thought, going to his room.
The next tutorial run by Barkey and Wilson demonstrated the “ugly/stupid” insult approach to trash talk.
Barkey: “It’s okay to be ugly, but you’re abusing the privilege.”
Wilson: “You are so stupid, you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed your pants.”
Barkey: “Act your age, not your IQ.”
Wilson: “I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are totally unarmed.”
Barkey: “You’re so stupid, you stared at a box of juice because it said, ‘concentrate’.”
Wilson: “You’re so ugly, your mom put a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you.”
Barkey: “You’re so ugly, when you were born, the doctor smacked your mama.”
Wilson: “Hey, man, who pissed in your test tube?”
Barkey: “If looks could kill, you would be the Terminator.”
Wilson: “You’re so dumb, you couldn’t pass a blood test.”
Barkey: “You’re so stupid, you took the toilet paper to a crap game.”
This tutorial session also engendered enthusiastic cheering from the audience. However, one female environmentalist in the audience seemed to be booing loudly at Barkey’s remarks.
He looked her over and shouted, “Nice dress, lady. Some day it might be in style.”
She quickly retorted, “I used to wear clothes like you until my dad got a job.”
Everyone laughed and cheered and Chuck went over and shook her hand and bowed.
“Touché,” he said. “Good job.”
Another highlight of the meeting came on Wednesday morning at the opening presentation of the general session. Professor Jacques Dimone of Vancouver, Canada, presented his research on the impact of certain weed killers on the common northern frog, Bufo Canadiensis. It seems that exposure of the baby male frogs to a number of common weed killers induced the sprouting of multiple penises from various areas of their bodies, giving them a sort of miniature green porcupinish look.
Professor Dimone, in addition to being recognized as a brilliant scientist and an avid hockey fan, was also known to be fairly eccentric. It was quite common for Professor Dimone, who could lecture with the articulateness of an Oxford professor, to burst into a tirade in an exaggerated French Canadian accent and using multiple French Canadian colloquialisms, which is what he decided to use for his presentation to the environmentalists and athletes.
With a slide projected on the large screen of what looked like a green tennis ball with bulging eyes and numerous projectiles protruding from its body, Dimone began, “If you tink ders a problem wit trowin an octopus or two on de ice, just wait till dey start trowin dese little multi-penised buggers out der, eh!”
He then projected the next slide which was a close up of one of the projectiles.
There was a gasp from several members of the audience. It looked just like what it was, a penis. It was small, but not in perspective to the size of the frog. And it was bright green and very erect.
“Den what happens, all de female froggies in da area come hoppin to da arena to take advantage. Den we got ourselves a froggy orgy, eh.”
With this statement, Dimone projected the next slide that set the audience atwitter with gasps, laughs, “Oh gods,” and other utterances. What was pictured on the screen was one of the spiky tennis balls with five smaller and slightly lighter green tennis balls attached to five of the spikes.
Dimone continued. “We don’t have no monogamy here. We got — serve all you can as long as der’s a spare docking site. And dem frogs wit all dem penises, dey can screw demselves to death, eh. I measured heart rate on dese guys. It goes up to four times normal. Dat’s like your heart beatin’ four hundred times a minute.”
A couple of “wows” from the audience.
“Now we got ourselves a big cleanup program. And if anyone tries to dispose of doz little dead green fornicatin factories, de little females attack dem, eh. So we got ourselves some hazardous waste, eh!”
Professor Dimone’s presentation brought gasps from the environmentalists and cheers from the athletes.
Too Fat McCann shouted, “Spray me with some of that weed killer, quick!�
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And another athlete retorted, “Hey Too Fat, you already got one you don’t know what to do with, and if you get more you’d have to sprout a whole bunch of additional hands too.”
A lot of hoots and whistles followed.
One environmentalist asked Professor Dimone, “Do you think that we have to worry about our frogs in the United States? We still use some weed killers.”
Professor Dimone retorted, “I doubt it. Down der in de states you’re so up tight even your frogs wouldn’t pop dem extra penises,” and he laughed heartily at his own joke.
This garnered a cheer from most of the hockey players in the audience and even from a few of the Canadian environmentalists in attendance.
Arnie and his group breathed a collective sigh of relief at the end of the first day. Perhaps a disaster would be averted. Perhaps they might even have a modest success. Hell, confidence and enthusiasm were returning to the team. They might be seeing a roaring success after all. Life seemed good again for Arnie and his colleagues. At least for the time being.
C h a p t e r 20
Sarasota is a relatively reserved city. Its many treelined streets are populated with a multitude of art galleries, coffee houses, small cocktail lounges, theaters, novelty shops, and many very good restaurants. The few livelier bars in the area for the most part are not found downtown but rather along Route 41 both north and south of the city. Next to the Hyatt in Sarasota Quay, there is one night club that is modestly active on weekends but fairly quiet during the week. The city is also blessed with an outstanding opera house with its own resident company and the Van Wezel Performing Arts Center, a thousand-plus-seat auditorium that hosts world-class entertainment nightly. In addition, the Sarasota area boasts some of the finest beaches in the world. North, along Longboat Key and south along Siesta Key, the talcum powder-like beaches are populated by sun lovers of every ilk; families, singles, seniors, the entire gamut find great pleasure in the blue-green water and on the white sand.
Trash Talk Page 6