Sweetheart Deal

by Linda Joffe Hull

  While the other camera crew shadowed Face, Hair, Body, Liam, Hair’s husband Michael, and the parents of the bride and groom for their Dorsal Pull package (which promised an exhilarating swim and spin around the aquarium holding onto the dorsal fin of a gentle, beautiful dolphin, and including a kiss good-bye with commemorative photo), we were to have a “candid discussion” about our lunchtime revelations regarding the local police.

  “What do you think it really means that no one down at the station would say anything?” I repeated, this time on camera and at Geo’s instruction.

  “Maybe they think Alejandro’s death was accidental,” Trent said.

  “And they don’t appreciate a bunch of gringo cops thinking they know better when maybe they don’t,” FJ added.

  “Could be,” Frank said. “But how can we not try to find out for sure before we leave town?”

  Geo motioned for us all to nod in agreement and for me to pull out the updated version of the PEOPLE TO QUESTION spreadsheet Geo had written and stuffed into my pool bag.

  “Your dad has a point,” I said, modifying my line from We’re all in agreement, then! I handed the spreadsheet to Frank to look at and pass around.

  “I see that you want me to try and talk with Felipe and Enrique some more,” Frank said, eyeing the names and which family member I (Geo) had assigned to question them. “But neither of them are here today.”

  “Nor are Benito, Jorge, or Elena, any one of whom could be key to figuring out what’s going on,” I said, rather pointedly.

  FJ glanced at the list. “The only one who is around today that we could possibly talk to is—”

  “Ivan,” Eloise said. “And I already did.”

  “You did?” I asked. “When?”

  “On the bike ride.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  She shrugged. “I guess there wasn’t all that much to say.”

  “Did you ask him the questions I gave you?”

  “I mean, I asked him what he thought about the whole Alejandro thing,” she said fussing with the fringe on her bathing suit. “And everything.”

  “And …?”

  “He said he just didn’t know what to think.”

  “End of story?”

  “We pulled up at the zip line and parked the bikes right after that.”

  “But that’s all he said?” I persisted.

  “That, and that we probably shouldn’t talk about it anymore because the walls have ears,” she said. “Which was kind of funny because we were in the jungle.”

  “Cut,” Geo said. “That’s great.”

  Eloise continued as though the camera was still rolling. “Isn’t the person we really need to talk to that Sombrero Lady?”

  “Exactly,” Geo said. “Which is what I want all of you to focus on for the rest of the afternoon.”

  “Here?” Trent asked. “Why would she be here?”

  “She wouldn’t, but most people who work here live in town, and everyone seems to know everyone,” Geo said. “If Eloise will ask Ivan a few more questions and the rest of you see what you can find out from everyone you run into, maybe we’ll start to fill in a piece or two of this puzzle and locate the woman.”

  A nearby dolphin seemed to whistle in agreement.

  Geo pointed us toward the aquarium. “Sounds to me like your next interviewee is ready to talk.”

  The dolphins definitely communicated, but I could only imagine they were saying something a lot more along the lines of You take the heavy one this time than How much more evidence do you need before you accept that you’re not going to find out what really happened to Alejandro?

  I certainly didn’t need to speak dolphin to understand their series of disapproving clicks.

  And their trainer, while friendly, pleasant, and informative, was from Florida, lived in some kind of hut outside of town with her boyfriend, and only spoke passable Spanish. In other words, she hadn’t heard a word about Alejandro’s death, suspicious or otherwise.

  I wish I’d listened a little more closely as she explained the “foot push,” however, because I soon found myself being raised to the water’s surface by two dolphins, who lifted me up by the bottoms of my feet with their noses. Screaming first in terror and then in delight, I found my balance. The next thing I knew, they were propelling me across the surface of the dolphinarium.

  The experience of riding upon such graceful agile creatures and entrusting them to whisk me safely around was pure joy.

  That was, until I heard a rip and felt the lining of my priced-to-sell bathing suit begin to give way, right at the crochet detailing along the seams.

  Luckily the tear was a lot smaller than it sounded and was at my waistline, as opposed to anywhere less strategic. Unluckily, since we were all in swimwear for the day, the wardrobe assistants were off enjoying the park and no one nearby seemed to have a safety pin.

  On my way to the equipment van to locate someone else that might have one handy, I passed Anastasia’s sisters seated on a bench in the midst of an on-camera confessional.25

  “It completely blew my mind to be able to swim with the dolphins,” Body said.

  “I enjoyed it,” Hair said, “but I’d really rather spend my day with a book on one of those hammocks. ”

  “No surprises there,” Face said.

  “Dave and I plan to do everything,” Body said with a giggle. “I mean, here at the park.”

  “Just don’t forget you’ve only known him for a few days, Sara,” Hair said.

  “We have the most amazing connection.”

  “Like the connection you felt with Mark?” Hair said.

  “And Todd?” added Face.

  “And what was that one guy’s name before Todd?”

  “Nico,” Body said. “But—”

  “We’re really happy for you,” Face said. “We really are.”

  “Stasia told me she picked him to be a groomsman specifically because she thought—”

  “You two were perfect for each other?”

  “Cut,” the assistant director said.

  “That’s not what she told me,” Face said, as though she hadn’t heard the scene end.

  “Oh? What did she tell you?” Body asked.

  “She said she made Philip ask Dave to be in the wedding because he’d look good in the pictures.”

  “Well, he is really handsome, you have to admit.”

  “Yes, but he isn’t even one of Philip’s close friends,” Hair said. “Stasia may have told you she was thinking about you, but we all know she was only thinking about how her wedding would look on TV.”

  “And she suggested you ‘belonged together’ because a hot weekend romance doesn’t hurt the show’s ratings,” said Face.

  “Maybe it will work out between us anyway,” Body said, sounding more than a little deflated by her sisters.

  “And maybe Stasia won’t get pregnant and have her first baby during sweeps week while Mrs. Frugalicious just happens to be doing an episode on discount baby supplies.”

  “Here you go,” a production assistant said, appearing beside me with two safety pins.

  “Thanks,” I said, as the sisters began to bicker about Anastasia, Dave, and the wedding in general. “So Dave isn’t one of Philip’s close friends?”

  “Steve is Philip’s best friend. But since he’s not exactly telegenic, if you know what I mean, Anastasia had Philip ask Dave to stand up in the wedding and they had Steve get his online license so he could officiate.”

  “So he isn’t really a reverend?”

  She laughed. “He’s a cop.”

  “Isn’t that kind of sketchy?”

  “No sketchier than half the things we do around here.”

  “Meaning what?” I asked, looking her straight in the eyes.

  She looked down and shrugged. “Meaning that’s just how things roll in reality TV.”

  “Where’s Eloise?” I asked Frank, having visited the ladies’ room to jerry-rig the lining of my
bathing suit and then being sent to the aptly named Leap of Faith in time to watch my teenage sons jump off the highest cliff.

  “She and Geo went to meet up with Ivan at the underwater caverns,” said Frank, standing on the lowest ledge, white-knuckled and clutching a jagged piece of rock on the wall behind him. “Wish I were with them.”

  “Are you really going to jump?”

  “Have to,” he whispered, not daring to wipe the sweat dripping from his brow.

  “Why didn’t you tell Geo you’re terrified of heights?” I asked, peering out at the sparkling blue water below.

  “I tried,” he said.

  “Let me guess. That only made him more eager to have you jump?”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “Then how was it?” I asked as FJ came flying by us and landed in the inlet, emitting a delighted whoop as he emerged from beneath the water.

  “I probably should have been more forceful about it,” he said.

  “Along with our desire to stay out of this crazy investigation and get out of Mexico ASAP?”

  “Maddie, I believe you do what you have to for the show. I also believe we’re doing the right thing by looking into things.”

  “For Alejandro or the ratings?”

  “Why can’t it be both?”

  “Did you know Anastasia thought Philip’s best friend Steve wasn’t good looking enough to be part of a televised wedding party, so she basically recruited Dave and had Steve, who isn’t even a reverend, officiate instead?”

  “Can’t say that it matters much to me right now,” Frank said grasping the rocks even tighter.

  “I suppose it doesn’t matter to you that every single thing that’s happened today has been completely scripted.”

  “You have to stop being so suspicious, Maddie.”

  Liam did a double flip from the highest cliff.

  “Pretty sporty, I’d say,” I commented as he barely made a splash entering the water.

  “Sports-minded,” he said. “But that was pretty good.”

  “Maybe you need to stop being so suspicious too.”

  “I can’t think about anything else right now but what I need to do,” he said squeezing his eyes closed. “What matters is that our show is a success …”

  “Even if it means that an innocent person had to die?”

  “The only person who’s going to die is me.”

  “Hardly,” I said. “And you’re anything but innocent.”

  “Ready for your Leap of Faith, Frank?” the assistant director announced.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” Frank said, now visibly trembling.

  “Me either,” I said.

  “See those people floating peacefully on inner tubes down there?” the assistant director said.

  “Yes,” Frank said, not looking.

  “That’s where we’re headed next, so no worries.”

  “I’m so worried,” Frank whispered.

  “As am I,” I said. “But, as you say, what choice do we have?”

  “And, action …”

  Without waiting for Frank’s nod, I began to count.

  “One, two …”

  In lieu of saying three, I grabbed my almost-ex-husband’s hand and jumped.

  We plummeted toward the water in brain-numbing delight (me) and mortal terror (Frank). We both emerged from the drink at the same time. Frank was panicky and gasping for breath, but otherwise none the worse for wear. I was ready to climb back up the steps carved into the side of the rock and go again from a higher cliff. And I surely would have, were it not for my bathing suit, which had torn at the site of the safety pins and was now ripped all the way from armpit to hip.

  “You’re Mrs. Frugalicious!” one of the salesgirls in the water park gift shop exclaimed. “Right?”

  “That’s what they tell me,” I said, holding my suit together with my right hand and offering my left for a shake.

  “Told you so,” she said to the other salesgirl. They both giggled. “This is so exciting!” Numero Uno said, in heavily accented English.

  “I didn’t realize anyone down here knew about the show.”

  “We have satellite TV.”

  “That’s terrific,” I said, appreciative of the show’s growing audience, but not entirely certain I wanted fans witnessing my swimwear trials and tribulations.

  “We heard you were coming to the water park today,” Numero Dos said.

  “And we were hoping we’d get to see you,” Uno said with a nervous giggle. “But we didn’t think you’d come into the store.”

  “When did you say you heard I was coming?”

  “Saturday,” Uno said.

  “Not yesterday?”

  “I was not working yesterday,” she said.

  Meaning the water park staff knew I was coming before I did? Why was I surprised?

  “Can we have your autograph?”

  “Sure,” I said. “But maybe after I’ve picked a new suit? I don’t exactly have a free hand.”

  “The bathing suits are right over there,” Dos said, pointing to the back corner of the gift shop.

  “We have a whole rack on sale,” Uno said, with a conspiratorial wink.

  “Perfect,” I said, knowing my selection had just been limited by her expectation that I would never buy anything at full price, even in an emergency.26

  Despite what seemed to be a few cute choices among the full-priced offerings, I went straight for the 20%-off rack and grabbed three bathing suits in slightly different styles, all with a hideous multicolored tropical leaf pattern featuring the water park’s kissing dolphin logo embroidered on the center of the chest.

  “They’re cuter when you put it on,” Numero Dos said.

  “But it’s too bad your bathing suit ripped.”

  “I have another one in black back at the hotel,” I said as I closed the curtain to the dressing room. “But I need to get through today.”

  “You’re staying at the Hacienda de la Fortuna?”

  “I am,” I said, feeling another uptick in my pulse. “How did you know?”

  “My cousin’s friend works there,” she said. “Everyone was very excited about having your show at the hotel.”

  “How is she doing after what happened on Friday night?” I asked.

  “What happened?” one of the girls asked.

  “You haven’t heard?” As the second girl launched into what had happened in Spanish, I listened, unsuccessfully, for familiar words and tried on a one-piece that was too tight in the hips and too loose in the bust.

  “Please tell your cousin to tell her friend I’m sorry,” I finally said when there was a lull in the rapid-fire Spanish. “It must have been quite a shock.”

  “No need,” she said, as I pulled off the suit and stepped into the next one. “My cousin said she couldn’t stand the guy.”

  I pulled the straps up and quickly tugged open the curtain. “What?”

  “Most everyone who works there hated him.”

  My heart was now thumping. “I only met him a few times, but he seemed really charming.”

  “To special guests, yes. My cousin said he ordered all the employees around like he owned the place.”

  “But practically everyone from the resort went to his wake and funeral,” I said. “They were all in tears.”

  “Of course,” she said. “Tears of joy.”

  So:

  I didn’t entirely buy Enrique and Elena’s claim that everyone loved Alejandro.

  I agreed it was entirely odd for a man, who, on the whole, watched what he drank and was a champion swimmer, to drown so quickly and easily in a familiar pool.

  The investigation by the local police could only be called suspiciously rudimentary.

  And now the salesgirls not only knew I’d be at the water park before I did, but that everyone except for the people on my potential suspect list hated Alejandro?

  My head was swimming as Uno wrung up my purchase, complete with an additional 10% V
IP discount just because.

  I figured I’d gotten away from my nonspontaneous day and chanced into the gift shop all on my own, but with her blasé revelation that an impossibly large number of people had a motive to kill Alejandro, I felt sure my wardrobe malfunction was just as choreographed as a Super Bowl halftime show, just like everything since we’d arrived at the water park.

  Make that, since we’d arrived in Mexico.

  I mean, if Zelda could slip a note under my pillow, how hard could it be for someone else to sneak in and snip a seam on my bathing suit that would surely rip at the water park?

  Wouldn’t I have to go into the resort store for a new bathing suit and a chance conversation where I would pick up exactly the information we needed to substantiate the mysterious Sombrero Lady’s claims?

  Just like Geo had urged us to do with our afternoon …

  As I signed two autographs and said good-bye to the friendly, overinformative salesgirls in my new suit (ugly but functional), I had to give Geo credit. He’d organized a glorious day filled with primo promotional footage, orchestrated a perfectly timed absence for my Leap of Faith, and in one brilliant off-camera shot (assuming there weren’t hidden cameras placed in the gift shop), introduced the largest pool of potential suspects yet.

  I had little doubt about the “reality” of the situation, but I took some comfort in that fact that with so many possibilities, there was no way anyone could make me narrow down the killer to some poor innocent for the sake of the show. Not in a few days, or weeks, or however long they intended to keep us there fake investigating, anyway.

  Since my best course of action—really, my only course of action—for the remainder of the day was to follow directions according to the schedule, I headed toward Frank and the boys, who were floating on inner tubes in the gentle current of the freshwater river that fed the inlet. Seeing as the call sheet had us on an afternoon snack break and then slated for a shot in which we were to relax and confer in the hammock area after our float, I didn’t expect much more in the way of the unexpected.

  I was halfway to the inner tube stand when the boys and Liam came running in my direction.

  “Hurry,” FJ said, grabbing my hand.

  “I thought we were supposed to be floating on the river,” I said as he pulled me in the opposite direction.