by Sarah Gates
Every birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day, Kate would call their mother. She would send festive greetings and love, then hand the phone to Anna. Kate was still trying to reconcile them. Only now she’d switched the phone for an in-person sabotage. A small part of Anna admired her sister’s determination. The rest of her seethed with hurt and anger. Her whole body tensed and she could feel the pounding of her pulse in her head. Kate had moved to Sydney, deserting their family before the smell of their father’s aftershave faded from the house. Anna had bottled her anger against her sister, just like her anger at her father for dying. She could feel it now, fighting to get out. It sat heavy in her chest. Kate hadn’t seen how their mother had retreated so far into herself that she had no time to ask Anna about her day, or wipe the tears from her face, or stock the fridge.
‘Hi, Anna. Hi, Luke!’ Kate strode towards them, dressed in sleek black pants and a statement yellow top with a beaded collar. Either she didn’t notice the coolness in the air between them, or she ignored it. ‘I was just trying to decide on some wine. Would either of you like a glass?’
Even though they weren’t technically on set, Kate was doing her producer duties: trying to get them drunk or at least tipsy enough to entertain the cameras. Anna’s fists curled at her sides. Kate wasn’t stupid. This wasn’t about an honest attempt to reconcile her family. This was about ratings. About her job.
‘I’ll help you pick one,’ she said. Without waiting for her sister to agree, Anna stalked from the room and into Kate’s bedroom.
The walls were thin, so they didn’t usually have a lot of privacy, but a cameraman and Joe following them into the room was on an entirely new level. Anna spotted the microphone on her sister’s collar. Anything she said would be recorded and played on screens around Australia within a week. Anna cursed under her breath. Why even bother having the encounter in a separate room? Luke, their mother and the rest of the crew would see it soon enough.
‘What do you think you’re doing, inviting Mum here?’ Anna growled. Even with the audience, she couldn’t hold back. Her anger burst through her.
‘This is a family date. The whole point is that Luke meets your immediate family. As much as you try to forget, she’s your mum too.’
‘I haven’t spoken to her in six years.’ Anna spoke the words slowly, as if by buying time she’d keep the angry tears from her eyes. ‘And I’m not a real contestant, remember?’
‘Anna, you are on camera. We’re not live, but you cannot refer to your unusual start on the show,’ Joe cut in, looking deeply regretful to have to interrupt what was otherwise a dramatic scene for the next episode. ‘Besides, I think you can drop the idea that you’re just a fill-in. You’re not an actress and even if you were, I’d still believe your chemistry with Luke Westwood is real. So cut the crap.’
Anna shot him a look of pure fury. Was he even allowed to speak to her like that? No wonder they made everyone sign non-disclosures.
‘Now, play by the rules ladies. And … ACTION.’ Joe ducked back behind the camera.
‘You need to get over your silly, teenage hurt feelings. She didn’t pay enough attention to you. So what? Mum was grieving. She lost the love of her life.’
‘That’s what you think of me? She didn’t speak to me for months at a time. We never had any food in the house unless I bought it. I had to coax her to eat; make her have a shower; force her to get off the couch or out of bed. I thought she was going to die, except for the fact that she answered your calls and pretended to be a normal person. Only you didn’t call very often, did you?’ Anna’s voice grew louder with each passing sentence. ‘Once a week at the start. Then it became once a month, every two months.’
When Kate didn’t react, Anna ploughed on.
‘That happy family home you remember? It didn’t exist after Dad died. You want to know how I got so good at saving and budgeting? If it weren’t for Dad’s life insurance, I would’ve gone hungry. We would’ve lost the house. Mum didn’t care.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I told you Mum was depressed. I asked you—no, I begged you—to come home for the holidays. But you said you needed to do work experience if you wanted to get a job after graduation.’
‘I would’ve come home if I’d known how bad it was.’
‘You knew I was unhappy. I told you that I had no friends. That they all ditched me—didn’t know how to deal with the poor sad girl who lost her father. I told you that Mum stopped going out with friends, quit her job, stopped her yoga classes, spent her life watching daytime television or staring at the walls.’
‘But you didn’t put it like that! You didn’t beg or scream or cry like you are now!’ Tears flowed from Kate’s eyes. ‘This is the first time you’ve ever been angry at me leaving you alone with Mum. Why, Anna? Why didn’t you tell me at the time?’
‘Because you were happy! You were achieving things.’ Uncontrollable sobs tumbled from Anna’s mouth. Tears spilled down her cheeks. As fast as she wiped them away, more followed, rolling off her chin. ‘You were top of your class! You hadn’t even graduated and you were working for WestMedia!’
The door squeaked as it opened. Their mum stood in the doorway, her eyes glued on the crew and not her two daughters in the middle of the room. ‘Anna, stop. You’re on camera. We can talk about this later.’
‘I don’t want to talk about this later.’
‘She was probably depressed, Anna. It’s not her fault,’ Kate pleaded.
‘Don’t you think I’ve considered that? I want to just forgive. I want to stop carrying around this anger at her and—and this mistrust of love.’ Anna took a deep breath. ‘You weren’t there, Kate.’
‘I’ve changed, Anna.’ Leanne twisted her hands together, pulling them into herself. ‘We can talk about it after they finish filming.’
There was no way Anna would be speaking to her mother, who’d had years to talk. When her father died, he didn’t have a choice in leaving. But Leanne had pulled away, only ever making an effort for Kate. It hurt her heart.
Luke pushed his way into the room, stopping in front of Anna. Seeing her tear-stained face, he wrapped her up into a hug and leaned down until his lips brushed her ear.
‘Are you okay? Do you want to get out of here?’
‘Yes,’ Anna whispered back. ‘I need to leave.’
‘No one’s going anywhere. Luke, Anna—you are contractually obliged to take part in filming as and how we see fit,’ Joe said in a firm voice, ignoring the fact that he was listening in on a privately whispered discussion. ‘Now, everyone move back into the main room. It’s too small and crowded to film in here.’
Grabbing the bottle of wine and glasses she spied on Kate’s dressing table, Anna balanced the items and rushed from the room. Luke followed, never more than an arm’s-length away. Finally demonstrating the good sense to keep their distance, Kate and their mother took a seat on one side of the kitchen counter. Luke took the bottle from Anna’s shaking hands and poured her a glass. She downed it in three gulps and held out the glass again.
Luke raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything.
‘Please.’
When he hesitated, one of the crew members hurried forwards with a shot glass in hand. ‘Here, Anna. To take the edge off,’ the guy said by way of explanation for the tequila. It was the first time she’d accepted the strong liquor always on set and she immediately regretted it, despite knowing that she was imagining the fuzziness in her head—the alcohol couldn’t have hit her bloodstream the minute it touched her tongue.
‘Anna. Luke. Take a seat at the counter,’ Joe instructed as his team manoeuvred all the cameras into position. There was a camera per person—for close-ups, Anna presumed—plus a few others with their lenses twisted back, which appeared to be getting the wider group or couple shots. It was standing room only.
‘Now,’ Joe started, ‘do I have to script this scene or can you converse like a normal family? Talk about Anna’s life outside Lo
ve Elimination. Ladies, I want you quizzing Luke and Anna about their relationship. Action.’
‘What was Anna like as a kid?’
Luke played the doting boyfriend well. It was easy to pretend they were a happy couple. When he leaned over, putting his hand on her arm and whispering sweet nothings in her ear, some of the tension drained from her body. Of course, the alcohol might also have been helping.
‘Anna was adorable. She used to run around the house in Disney princess costumes twenty-four-seven. The funniest one was Ariel—complete with a mermaid tail,’ Kate said.
‘She always wanted to be in the kitchen. Her dad would balance her on top of a stool and she’d be drowning in an adult-sized apron. Do you remember, Anna? I don’t know where it went after … after …’ Her mum trailed off. The words had caught in her throat and it was clear that they weren’t coming out. Even after all these years, she couldn’t accept her husband’s death.
Anna shoved the burst of fury back down, until it was buried deep once more.
‘It’s here, Mum.’ Kate crossed to the pantry and pulled the door open. The apron used to be a dark blue-grey, but it had faded and frayed over the years. Anna’s dad had taught her how to sew when it first split. She was six years old. When the holes were too big to sew, they had covered them with bright fabric patches she’d picked out.
‘Why?’
‘Why what, Mum?’ Kate asked, smiling as she pulled the apron off the nail; they’d had to buy a hammer just to drive it into the door. She swished the fabric around Anna’s body and tied the straps around her neck. There was a brief moment when Anna forgave her older sister. Sentimentality washed through her.
‘What is your dad’s apron doing in this apartment? You can’t just take it. That was your dad’s apron,’ Leanne said, her eyes glazing over. ‘It belongs in his kitchen.’
‘You didn’t even notice it was missing,’ Kate murmured, even as Anna nudged her to shut up.
‘Give it back.’
‘No, Mum. Dad would’ve wanted Anna to have it. He always said he was just “keeping it warm” for her.’
‘He was my husband. You don’t get to decide. I decide.’ The woman’s whole body shook. She was seconds away from exploding. ‘Give. It. Back.’
‘You haven’t changed.’ Anna looked into her mum’s frantic eyes. Her hope slipped away, just as she realised it was there in the first place. She got out of her stool and made for the door, untying the apron and throwing it over the new couch as she went. The camera crew were too busy turning the cameras to catch her expression to realise that they should be trying to catch her before she made it out the door. By the time Joe started shouting orders, she’d crossed the room.
Anna ran past the limousine and the vans, then around the corner. Her hair whipped across her face and her feet slapped against the pavement. The muscles in her thighs burned. She ran until her breath raked through her throat and her stomach clenched. Her heartbeat in her ears was so loud that she didn’t realise she was being followed until she stopped to catch her breath.
‘Anna!’
Her body responded to Luke’s voice, but when she turned the crew member trailing just a metre behind Luke got a full body shot of her. He held his GoPro at eye level and watched her through its lens. Her red, swollen cheeks and bloodshot eyes would be all too clear from that distance. It was another betrayal. A second later a sleek black car pulled up next to them as if they were about to be abducted. A larger camera, one of the ones they usually prop up on tripods, poked out of the window.
Luke caught up to her and pulled her into his arms. Anna pushed him away, still gasping.
‘No. I don’t want them seeing this.’
He didn’t say anything. He just grabbed her hand and took off. Together they ran. Two alleyways, two shops, a supermarket. They lost the cameras. Luke ripped the microphone from her clothes, dumping it in the supermarket trash along with his own.
They slowed to a walk, and Anna found it easier to breathe. Eventually she started talking.
‘It’s like they both died.’ She looked up at the sky. ‘My mum switched off. She just opted out of life, only waking up to scream at me if I dared to move anything of Dad’s.’
Every word toppled over its predecessor, like they were trying to drown each other out. ‘When I left, I took a handful of photos, everything I wanted to keep from my room, and that apron.’ Luke took her hand, but Anna couldn’t deal with the kindness in his face. She kept her eyes on the sky, even as the tears threatened again. ‘She didn’t even say goodbye. I stood in front of her and begged her to look at me. But she wouldn’t. Couldn’t.’
Luke pulled her to a stop. He ran his hands along her shoulders and her throat. Then he kneaded her lower back. Anna arched her neck. Not because she was avoiding his gaze, but because of the warmth pooling inside her.
‘I remind her of him. Because of that, she pretended I didn’t exist for years. When my dad died, everything fell apart.’
‘Is that why you moved to Sydney?’
‘Yes.’
Luke dropped to the ground at the first patch of grass they found, and leaned against a tree trunk. He tugged on Anna’s hand so that she collapsed on top of him. With barely any effort, he pulled her between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and held on tight until she relaxed into him.
‘How old were you when you moved out?’
‘Seventeen—just after graduating high school. As soon as I could.’ Anna inhaled. She’d never been to this park before. Working two jobs didn’t leave much time for frolicking. It was beautiful. Small, but spotted with large leafy trees and lush with grass. The explosion of green settled a feeling of peace within her.
‘Kate didn’t know?’
‘I told her parts. Not everything. There’s nothing she could have done. She was studying interstate. I didn’t want to worry her.’
A secret part of her had always wondered if Kate would have returned. Would her sister have rescued her if she’d known? If Anna had screamed and cried like she had today, would Kate have come back? And if she couldn’t have fixed their mum—and Anna knew, even back then, that she couldn’t—would she have whisked Anna away from that awful, empty house? It would’ve been a huge responsibility.
‘But they talk now. Kate and your mum, I mean.’
‘Yes. Kate was always Mum’s favourite. I was Dad’s.’ Closing her eyes, Anna recalled the last time she had seen her father. It was his body at the funeral that she remembered. How cold and pale his skin became in death. Only when that image faded did she see herself in the kitchen with him, baking, or him in the audience watching her school recitals, or just teaching her how to whistle.
‘Were you close back then?’
She would’ve cried if she dared let her emotions spill out without restraint. ‘She was my best friend. Then she moved interstate and I missed her so much. I didn’t have a lot of friends after Dad died.’ Anna whispered her answer.
‘That must have been really hard,’ he said.
‘Yes.’ Anna’s whole body concentrated on the feel of his breath against her neck, so close it intertwined with hers. She leaned her forehead into Luke’s neck and sighed.
‘Are you angry at her for leaving you?’
‘I didn’t think so. When I finished school, I moved straight into Kate’s apartment and she welcomed me with open arms. I never felt resentful. Today was the exception. Maybe I suppressed all those feelings? Maybe I just needed her by my side more than I needed to be angry at her?’
They stayed there for hours, talking about everything and nothing. The only topic they didn’t touch on again was Anna’s family life. Luke seemed to realise that she was emotionally spent. Every time the conversation drifted towards anything resembling her mother, father, sister or even high school, Luke shifted it.
Only when it started to get cold did he shift his weight and pull out his phone. It sprang to life with a never-ending series of messages and missed call notifications.
‘You’re popular,’ Anna remarked, unsure of whether it was invasive to look at the screen.
‘It’s the crew. Mostly Joe and Kate.’
‘I suppose they’re wondering where we are?’
‘Shit.’ Luke fumbled at the screen. ‘Anna, I’m sorry—but we have to go back.’
‘Can’t we just stay here a little longer?’
‘They’re threatening to sue you for breach of contract, Anna. They want the money back.’
Anna’s sense of calm cracked. Her almost complete renovations flashed across her mind. She was so close to having everything she wanted and now she was throwing it away. For what? For the man in front of her? It would never work. It didn’t matter that she loved him. Even if he loved her, they lived in separate worlds, miles apart.
‘Come on.’ Luke lurched to his feet, then grabbed Anna’s arm and pulled her to him. Her body slammed into his and only the threat of her impending financial crisis kept her from following up with her lips. She’d given up trying to fight the attraction long ago. If she was to go home, she wanted to take the memories of his lips, his hands, the tightness in his jeans when he pressed against her, with her.
CHAPTER
20
The director shoved a script into Anna’s hands, then Luke’s, and took a seat opposite them in the limo. He gestured at the man next to him, who had a tripod propped on his lap and was holding it steady with his hands. The light on the camera flicked on and the driver started the car.
‘What’s this?’ Luke demanded as Anna bowed her head to read the first page. He had to tug his gaze from her eyelashes. Her beauty blew him away.
‘A script. You and Anna are going to follow it so we can save this episode from the train wreck it has become.’