There was silence. Then Nanny Ogg sat back.
‘Bloody hell,’ she whispered. ‘You ain’t going to try that, are you?’
‘I mean to have a go.’
‘Bloody hell,’ said Nanny again, very quietly, and added, ‘you’ve been thinking about this, have you?’
‘Yes.’
‘See here, Esme. I mean, Black Aliss was one of the best. I mean, you’re very good at, well, headology and thinking and that. I mean, Black Aliss, well, she just upped and went at it.’
‘You saying I couldn’t do it, are you?’
‘Excuse me,’ said Magrat.
‘No. No. Of course not,’ said Nanny, ignoring her.
‘Right.’
‘Only . . . well, she was a, you know, a hoyden of witches, like the king said.’
‘Doyenne,’ said Granny, who had looked it up. ‘Not hoyden.’
‘Excuse me,’ said Magrat, louder this time. ‘Who was Black Aliss? And,’ she added quickly, ‘none of this exchanging meaningful glances and talking over my head. There’s three witches in this coven, remember?’
‘She was before your time,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘Before mine, really. She lived over Skund way. Very powerful witch.’
‘If you listen to rumour,’ said Granny.
‘She turned a pumpkin into a royal coach once,’ said Nanny.
‘Showy,’ said Granny Weatherwax. ‘That’s no help to anyone, turning up at a ball smelling like a pie. And that business with the glass slipper. Dangerous, to my mind.’
‘But the biggest thing she ever did,’ said Nanny, ignoring the interruption, ‘was to send a whole palace to sleep for a hundred years until . . .’ She hesitated. ‘Can’t remember. Was there rose bushes involved, or was it spinning wheels in that one? I think some princess had to finger . . . no, there was a prince. That was it.’
‘Finger a prince?’ said Magrat, uneasily.
‘No . . . he had to kiss her. Very romantic, Black Aliss was. There was always a bit of romance in her spells. She liked nothing better than Girl meets Frog.’
‘Why did they call her Black Aliss?’
‘Fingernails,’ said Granny.
‘And teeth,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘She had a sweet tooth. Lived in a real gingerbread cottage. Couple of kids shoved her in her own oven at the end. Shocking.’
‘And you’re going to send the castle to sleep?’ said Magrat.
‘She never sent the castle to sleep,’ said Granny. ‘That’s just an old wives’ tale,’ she added, glaring at Nanny. ‘She just stirred up time a little. It’s not as hard as people think. Everyone does it all the time. It’s like rubber, is time. You can stretch it to suit yourself.’
Magrat was about to say, that’s not right, time is time, every second lasts a second, that’s what it’s for, that’s its job . . .
And then she recalled weeks that had flown past and afternoons that had lasted for ever. Some minutes had lasted hours, some hours had gone past so quickly she hadn’t been aware they’d gone past at all . . .
‘But that’s just people’s perception,’ she said. ‘Isn’t it?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Granny, ‘of course it is. It all is. What difference does that make?’
‘A hundred years’d be over-egging it, mind,’ said Nanny.
‘I reckon fifteen’d be a nice round number,’ said Granny. ‘That means the lad will be eighteen at the finish. We just do the spell, go and fetch him, he can manifest his destiny, and everything will be nice and neat.’
Magrat didn’t comment on this, because it had occurred to her that destinies sounded easy enough when you talked about them but were never very bankable where real human beings were concerned. But Nanny Ogg sat back and tipped another generous measure of apple brandy in her tea.
‘Could work out nice,’ she said. ‘A bit of peace and quiet for fifteen years. If I recall the spell, after you say it you have to fly around the castle before cock crow.’
‘I wasn’t thinking about that,’ said Granny. ‘It wouldn’t be right. Felmet would still be king all that time. The kingdom would still get sick. No, what I was thinking of doing was moving the whole kingdom.’
She beamed at them.
‘The whole of Lancre?’ said Nanny.
‘Yes.’
‘Fifteen years into the future?’
‘Yes.’
Nanny looked at Granny’s broomstick. It was a well-made thing, built to last, apart from the occasional starting problem. But there were limits.
‘You’ll never do it,’ she said. ‘Not around the whole kingdom in that. That’s all the way up to Powderknife and down to Drumlin’s Fell. You just couldn’t carry enough magic.’
‘I’ve thought of that,’ said Granny.
She beamed again. It was terrifying.
She explained the plan. It was dreadful.
A minute later the moor was deserted, as the witches hurried to their tasks. It was silent for a while, apart from the squeak of bats and the occasional rustle of the wind in the heather.
Then there was a bubbling from the nearby peat bog. Very slowly, crowned with a thicket of sphagnum moss, the standing stone surfaced and peered around the landscape with an air of deep distrust.
Greebo was really enjoying this. At first he thought his new friend was taking him to Magrat’s cottage, but for some reason he’d wandered off the path in the dark and was taking a stroll in the forest. In one of the more interesting bits, Greebo had always felt. It was a hummocky area, rich in hidden potholes and small, intense swamps, full of mist even in fine weather. Greebo often came up here on the offchance that a wolf was lying up for the day.
‘I thought cats could find their own way home,’ the Fool muttered.
He cursed himself under his breath. It would have been easy to take this wretched creature back to Nanny Ogg’s house, which was only a few streets away, almost in the shadow of the castle. But then he’d had the idea of delivering it to Magrat. It would impress her, he thought. Witches were very keen on cats. And then she’d be bound to ask him in, for a cup of tea or something . . .
He put his foot in another water-filled hole. Something wriggled underneath it. The Fool groaned, and stepped back on to a tumescent mushroom.
‘Look, cat,’ he said. ‘You’ve got to come down, right? And then you can find your way home and I’ll follow you. Cats are good at seeing in the dark and finding their own way home,’ he added hopefully.
He reached up. Greebo sank his claws into his arm as a friendly warning, and found to his surprise that this had no effect on chain mail.
‘There’s a good cat,’ said the Fool, and lowered him to the ground. ‘Go on, find your way home. Any home will do.’
Greebo’s grin gradually faded, until there was nothing left but the cat. This was nearly as spooky as the opposite way round.
He stretched and yawned to hide his embarrassment. Being called a good cat in the middle of one of his favourite stalking grounds wasn’t going to do anything for his prowl-credibility. He disappeared into the undergrowth.
The Fool peered into the gloom. It dawned on him that while he liked forests, he liked them at one remove, as it were; it was nice to know that they were there, but the forests of the mind were not quite the same as real forests that, for example, you got lost in. They had more mighty oaks and fewer brambles. They also tended to be viewed in daylight, and the trees didn’t have malevolent faces and long scratchy branches. The trees of the imagination were proud giants of the forest. Most of the trees here appeared to be vegetable gnomes, mere trellises for fungi and ivy.
The Fool was vaguely aware that you could tell which direction the Hub lay by seeing which side of the trees the moss grew on. A quick inspection of the nearby trunks indicated that, in defiance of all normal geography, the Hub lay everywhere.
Greebo had vanished.
The Fool sighed, removed his chain mail protection, and tinkled gently through the night in search of high ground. High ground seemed a good idea. The ground he w
as on at the moment appeared to be trembling. He was sure it shouldn’t do that.
Magrat hovered on her broomstick several hundred feet above the Turnwise borders of Lancre, looking down on a sea of mist through which the occasional treetop poked like a seaweed-covered rock at high tide. A bulging moon floated above her, probably gibbous again. Even a decent thin crescent would have been better, she felt. More appropriate.
She shivered, and wondered where Granny Weatherwax was at this moment.
The old witch’s broomstick was known and feared throughout the skies of Lancre. Granny had been introduced to flying quite late in life, and after some initial suspicion had taken to it like a bluebottle to an ancient fish-head. A problem, however, was that Granny saw every flight simply as a straight line from A to B and was unable to get alongside the idea that other users of the air might have any rights whatsoever; the flight migration patterns of an entire continent had been changed because of that simple fact. High-speed evolution among local birds had developed a generation that flew on their backs, so that they could keep a watchful eye on the skies.
Granny’s implicit belief that everything should get out of her way extended to other witches, very tall trees and, on occasion, mountains.
Granny had also browbeaten the dwarfs who lived under the mountains and in fear of their lives into speeding the thing up. Many an egg had been laid in mid-air by unsuspecting fowls who had suddenly glimpsed Granny bearing down on them, scowling over the top of the broomstick.
‘Oh dear,’ thought Magrat. ‘I hope she hasn’t happened to someone.’
A midnight breeze turned her gently around in the air, like an unsupported weathercock. She shivered and squinted at the moonlit mountains, the high Ramtops, whose freezing crags and ice-green chasms acknowledged no king or cartographer. Only on the Rimward side was Lancre open to the world; the rest of its borders looked as jagged as a wolf’s mouth and far more impassable. From up here it was possible to see the whole kingdom . . .
There was a ripping noise in the sky above her, a blast of wind that spun her around again, and a Doppler-distorted cry of, ‘Stop dreaming, girl!’
She gripped the bristles with her knees and urged the stick upward.
It took several minutes to catch up with Granny, who was lying almost full length along her broomstick to reduce wind resistance. Dark treetops roared far below them as Magrat came alongside. Granny turned to her, holding her hat on with one hand.
‘Not before time,’ she snapped. ‘I don’t reckon this one’s got more’n a few minutes flight left. Come on, get a move on.’
She reached out a hand. So did Magrat. Unsteadily, the broomsticks bucking and dipping in one another’s slipstream, they touched fingertips.
Magrat’s arm tingled as the power flowed up it.16 Granny’s broomstick jerked forward.
‘Leave me a bit,’ shouted Magrat. ‘I’ve got to get down!’
‘Shouldn’t be difficult,’ screamed Granny, above the noise of the wind.
‘I mean get down safely!’
‘You’re a witch, ain’t you? By the way, did you bring the cocoa? I’m freezing up here!’
Magrat nodded desperately, and with her spare hand passed up a straw bag.
‘Right,’ said Granny. ‘Well done. See you at Lancre Bridge.’
She uncurled her fingers.
Magrat whirled away in the buffeting wind, clinging tightly to a broomstick which now, she feared, had about as much buoyancy as a bit of firewood. It certainly wasn’t capable of sustaining a full-grown woman against the beckoning fingers of gravity.
As she plunged down towards the forest roof in a long shallow dive she reflected that there was possibly something complimentary in the way Granny Weatherwax resolutely refused to consider other people’s problems. It implied that, in her considerable opinion, they were quite capable of sorting them out by themselves.
Some kind of Change spell was probably in order.
Magrat concentrated.
Well, that seemed to work.
Nothing in the sight of mortal man had in fact changed. What Magrat had achieved was a mere adjustment of the mental processes, from a bewildered and slightly frightened woman gliding inexorably towards the inhospitable ground to a clear-headed, optimistic and positive thinking woman who had really got it together, was taking full responsibility for her own life and in general knew where she was coming from although, unfortunately, where she was heading had not changed in any way. But she felt a lot better about it.
She dug her heels in and forced the broomstick to yield the last dregs of its power in a brief burst, sending it skimming erratically a few feet from the trees. As it sagged again and started to plough a furrow among the midnight leaves she tensed herself, prayed to whatever gods of the forest might be listening that she would land on something soft, and let go.
There are three thousand known major gods on the Disc, and research theologians discover more every week. Apart from the minor gods of rock, tree and water, there are two that haunt the Ramtops – Hoki, half a man, half a goat, and entirely a bad practical joker, who was banished from Dunmanifestin for pulling the old exploding mistletoe joke on Blind Io, chief of all the gods; and also Herne the Hunted, the terrified and apprehensive deity of all small furry creatures whose destiny it is to end their lives as a brief, crunchy squeak . . .
Either could have been candidates for the small miracle which then occurred, for – in a forest full of cold rocks, jagged stumps and thorn bushes – Magrat landed on something soft.
Granny, meanwhile, was accelerating towards the mountains on the second leg of the journey. She consumed the regrettably tepid cocoa and, with proper environmental consideration, dropped the bottle as she passed over an upland lake.
It turned out that Magrat’s idea of sustaining food was two rounds of egg and cress sandwiches with the crusts cut off and, Granny noticed before the wind whipped it away, a small piece of parsley placed with consideration and care on top of each one. Granny regarded them for some time. Then she ate them.
A chasm loomed, still choked with winter snow. Like a tiny spark in the darkness, a dot of light against the hugeness of the Ramtops, Granny tackled the maze of the mountains.
Back in the forest, Magrat sat up and absent-mindedly pulled a twig from her hair. A few yards away the broomstick dropped through the trees, showering leaves.
A groan and a small, half-hearted tinkle caused her to peer into the gloom. An indistinct figure was on its hands and knees, searching for something.
‘Did I land on you?’ said Magrat.
‘Someone did,’ said the Fool.
They crawled nearer to one another.
‘You?’
‘You!’
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Marry, I was walking along the ground,’ said the Fool. ‘A lot of people do, you know. I mean, I know it’s been done before. It’s not original. It probably lacks imagination but, well, it’s always been good enough for me.’
‘Did I hurt you?’
‘I think I’ve got one or two bells that won’t be the same again.’
The Fool scrabbled through the leafmould, and finally located his hated hat. It clonked.
‘Totally crushed, i’faith,’ he said, putting it on anyway. He seemed to feel better for that, and went on, ‘Rain, yes, hail, yes, even lumps of rock. Fish and small frogs, OK. Women no, up till now. Is it going to happen again?’
‘You’ve got a bloody hard head,’ said Magrat, pulling herself to her feet.
‘Modesty forbids me to comment,’ said the Fool, and then remembered himself and added, quickly, ‘Prithee.’
They stared at one another again, their minds racing.
Magrat thought: Nanny said look at him properly. I’m looking at him. He just looks the same. A sad thin little man in a ridiculous jester’s outfit, he’s practically a hunchback.
Then, in the same way that a few random bulges in a cloud can suddenly become a galleon or a w
hale in the eye of the beholder, Magrat realized that the Fool was not a little man. He was at least of average height, but he made himself small, by hunching his shoulders, bandying his legs and walking in a half-crouch that made him appear as though he was capering on the spot.
I wonder what else Gytha Ogg noticed? she thought, intrigued.
He rubbed his arm and gave her a lopsided grin.
‘I suppose you haven’t got any idea where we are?’ he said.
‘Witches never get lost,’ said Magrat firmly. ‘Although they can become temporarily mislaid. Lancre’s over that way, I think. I’ve got to find a hill, if you’ll excuse me.’
‘To see where you are?’
‘To see when, I think. There’s a lot of magic going on tonight.’
‘Is there? Then I think I’ll accompany you,’ the Fool added chivalrously, after peering cautiously into the tree-haunted gloom that apparently lay between him and his flagstones. ‘I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.’
Granny lay low over the broomstick as it plunged through the trackless chasms of the mountains, leaning from side to side in the hope that this might have some effect on the steering which seemed, strangely, to be getting worse. Falling snow behind her was whipped and spiralled into odd shapes by the wind of her passage. Rearing waves of crusted snow, poised all winter over the glacial valleys, trembled and then began the long, silent fall. Her flight was punctuated by the occasional boom of an avalanche.
She looked down at a landscape of sudden death and jagged beauty, and knew it was looking back at her, as a dozing man may watch a mosquito. She wondered if it realized what she was doing. She wondered if it’d make her fall any softer, and mentally scolded herself for such softness. No, the land wasn’t like that. It didn’t bargain. The land gave hard, and took hard. A dog always bit deepest on the veterinary hand.
And then she was through, vaulting so low over the last peak that one of her boots filled with snow, and barrelling down towards the lowlands.
The mist, never far away in the mountains, was back again, but this time it was making a fight of it and had become a thick, silver sea in front of her. She groaned.
Somewhere in the middle of it Nanny Ogg floated, taking the occasional pull from a hip flask as a preventative against the chill.
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