by Caldon Mull
“I will Black Bear, my Grandfather.” Dean nodded. “I measure my worth with them. If they fail, so will I. I tie my fate with them, whether I succeed or fail.”
“It is not easy, if you are not afraid, then it would be wise to be so. White Clouds, this will be the last time we use your baby-name, if you continue. You will either have a Man’s Name, or be lost forever to us. Make sure your choice is correct.” He nodded and the old timers joined him in stripping off their loincloths, stepping inside the small hide hut that lurked in the brush.
“I’m so scared, I’m gonna pee.” Bobby whispered as soon as they had left “Really. That’s some spooky stuff.”
Michel hung his head, started to strip right there “I’ve been stupid and I’ve been selfish, Kid. I can’t let you down again. I’m afraid I’m gonna fail you. I’m gonna give it whatever I got.” He kicked off his shoes and bundled his kit into the back. Dean beamed at him and started tugging off his things.
“Well, I’m afraid they gonna know I’m unlucky as hell, an’ I’m queer.” Bobby hopped as the shucked off his jeans. “I’m OK with that. I don’t mind no-more, anyhoo. I’m still the guy I’ve always been and I might be stupid, but I got a good heart. I guess... Andy...?”
“Andy...?” Michel whispered. I stood where they were all watching me in various stages of undress as the hands I was trying to unbutton my shirt just hung there, paralyzed.
“I’m the weakest link...” I whispered hoarsely “I feel you... but I can’t feel anything else. I can’t...even... unbutton my shirt. I’ve been cold inside for so long… I’m not sure I can feel anymore…” They watched me closely, concern visible in all their faces as my first button popped open between my numb fingers. “One... at... a... time.” I groaned with the effort.
They slowly finished undressing and turned to face me as I pulled off my shirt and started on my jeans. “Don’t help me, please... let me finish. I won’t... let any of you down.” It felt like hours, but couldn’t have been more than a few minutes when Michel took the bundle of my clothes from the dusty ground and tossed them in the back. He switched off the lights and turned off the motor. The clearing plunged into silver moonlight. I could feel myself breathing hoarsely.
Sucking in the warm damp air, I turned and headed towards the lodge, the others following quietly behind me. My legs felt wobbly, I had to force each step, thigh-calf-heel until I made the thirty or so to stand before the flap. I felt reassuring touches on the back and shoulders and arms as I took a deep breath and ducked inside.
Much of what happened I cannot say, as I have promised not to. Much I do not remember, as these things go. I must say what I went through in the next sixty hours was the most intensely spiritual experience I have ever had. I, whose soul was starved for spirit and was dull and bruised, had to learn to flex. A painful and liberating experience and a great deal more difficult than anything I had done before.
When we entered, we sat off into pairs, an old timer and one of us. We smoked a piece pipe and we passed a talking stick and each of us had a chance to say why we may fail. I know what the others said because I remember each word clearly, I had a light into each of their souls. Bravely, truthfully, my friends - lovers - exposed themselves beyond nudity and into sheer nakedness.
My own story, the one that would cause me to fail, fell from my lips like rainwater on parched desert sand. I won’t speak of theirs out of loyalty. I will speak of mine.
In the midst of the softly chanting elders and with the clarity of whatever was in the pipe, I could tell my terrible secret as if I was standing there watching the desert sands and whoever was in pain and distressed was someone else.
Even now, while I write my diaries, I shudder thinking of what had happened... but it is almost to another person. No pain is attached to these memories any more, no harm can come of telling it.
I will tell it as one would a fairy tale so it stays that way:
“Once, a long time ago, there was a man who loved football and he had a young son. This man lived in a mansion on top of a hill in the middle of a big forest, next to the biggest trees in the world. When he was a small boy, his clever fingers found a missing puzzle in the magic boxes that pump gold from the ground and he showed the world that this was his and they made him wealthy beyond belief. He then set about putting his magic puzzle in the magic boxes, he travelled all over the earth, and sat in the courts of all the four winds. But soon, as time goes for men, he realized his own life was missing a piece. Being quite old at that time, he decided that his life was empty of the two riches he had always wanted, but had never had the time to have for himself; a wife and a son.
Being extremely clever, he set out and courted all the princesses in all the lands, but each of them he found to be empty of the one talent he prized most: love. One day while traveling through a land so beautiful it was covered from shore to shore with emeralds, he found a fisher- woman working on the beach. He asked her if she needed any help, and being proud and fair, she answered: ‘From you, not at all.’
Angry at her for not accepting his aid, he resolved to return the next day while she was busy, and the next, and the next until she accepted his help. For thirty days he pressed his suit, realizing he had come to love the fair-faced fisher-woman but frustrated that she refused him over and over. Eventually he could take no more and cried: “Why will you not?” and to this she answered: “Because then I will not see you upon the morrow.”
To this he promised to make her his bride, and they were wed. She truly did not know that this traveller was the Prince of the Magic Puzzle and they lived happily for a time. But in the way of all things, while their son grew tall and proud, the old man began to wonder what else he needed to do. One day he decided to take his son and show him the work he had done all these years. They went together over the seas and through the skies until at last they came to a place full of sand and dust. Where strange beasts that walked around with wells on their backs carried men clothed in shadow, over desert sands and into even stranger lands for gold and for salt.
Here the Prince of the Magic Puzzle showed his son what he had done and how it all worked, and it was a magical time for both of them. The torch had been passed and the young Prince was truly the son of the Old Prince. In this, his happiest moment, disaster struck. A magical bird from the Old Prince’s lands had fallen into the sea of this strange land, and soon men came for the Old Prince, knowing he was where the Magic Puzzle machines were.
They captured the Old Prince and demanded a King’s Ransom, but they had not reckoned on the Princess, a proud and strong woman. For thirty days and for thirty nights they demanded the Ransom, and still she did not yield and eventually they cried: “Why will you not?” and to this she answered: “Because then I will not see them upon the morrow.”
Thwarted, the brutish creatures decided upon a plan. They tied the Old Prince to one of his Magic Puzzles and made sport with the Young Prince. For two days and for two nights they sported with the boy, but eventually tiring of this, for he was not quite so fair, nor so innocent when they had done with him, they showed him the Old Prince tied to his Magic Puzzle, where he had been all this time. They said to him: “Tug upon this rope, and he will be free.” The Young Prince believed them and did as they bade.
It was only then that he realized he had been tricked, for they had lied. The freedom he gave the Old Prince was the freedom of death. The Young Prince was horrified, and tried to run from his deed. But there was nowhere to run, so he ran inside of himself and would have been lost there; had The Princess not saved him. From her faraway forest, she sent out a flock of Magic Birds, and in their bellies were legions of Magic Soldiers. These Soldiers swept away the Young Prince and flew him home to his Mother and her Magic Forest.
Once he was safely home, he ran to see her and beg her forgiveness. But the Princess only embraced him for a moment only, for all the Magic in the world could not keep her alive once her Prince was gone.
She slipped int
o a deep, deep sleep that only the Young Prince can break, once he finds the real secret of a puzzle all of his own. And so the Young Prince wanders the world to this day trying to find a Magic Puzzle that would break this curse and set them all free.
Forever, and ever...
There, I have told it. I cannot tell you of the stricken looks in my friend’s faces, I cannot tell you of the fear that I would fail them or myself in the same way I failed my father. I loved him so much, that any attachment he had to anything else, caused me... distress. I had found a key, his key perhaps... but also mine, now: Football. For games and puzzles were much like each other, and the game he loved showed me a way to solve the puzzle that was myself.
The pleasure I felt in doing something so simple as enjoying myself, acted as a solvent for the pain that was stopping me from doing so. I had promised them: Bobby, Michel and Dean I would share this, but even then I was preparing to fail them and hide it away, yet again. Until... until I found myself in a Sweat Lodge where the evils in the world could not harm me; where I could unload my guilt in a place not entirely of this world with an almost carnal abandonment.
I will not speak of this ever again... I have done with this burden, forever.
After the stories, each of the Shamen took one of us into another brush bier and gave us a potion. For two nights and a day each of us struggled with our internal demons. Struggling with the potion’s effects was a struggle with your own self. At midnight we were supposed to leave the bier and tell the Shamen posted outside guarding us what we had seen and who had helped us through. This was to be our Totem Spirit, and the name of which the Tribe would forever call us by. It would be revealed to us in the peace after our struggle. I cannot tell of my struggle. I never thought it would end, it felt more like a war... but I found it.
I found the open plains flashing past me, the power of the fastest flanks in the world and the joy of running without fear for days on end, of baby birthing deer in a forest with giant trees and of an eight-point stag that wasn’t afraid of me, one misty morning not so long ago. I was Running Deer, and would be until the end of my days.
I was re-introduced in the dark of the night, hunter’s moon silvering our drawn and pale reflections to my friends, my brothers... my tribe: Mourning Song, White Eagle and Painted Horse. We were left to rest, all with each other in the dying of the night. We talked, we hugged and we dozed, exhausted, but knew it was still not over. There was a sense of us having made it so far, and none of us were going to let up. Our purpose was exhilarating, our commitment to each other, deeply humbling.
At dawn, all of us were lead out to a cleared spot on the top of the hill, and left with a small pot of water. The view was amazing. Looking over where we sat, we could see all the hills and forests stretching off as far as the eye could see. We could not speak to each other, but we were only a few feet from each other, kneeling with each other on the edge of the world.
I could see Bobby’s lake sparkling off in the distance and I was at peace. I had another feeling, one that boiled within me as the sun rose and started to sink past its noon. It swelled and swelled within me until it claimed me completely. I could not keep quiet anymore… I had to say something. I struggled with this until I was sure, surer than anything I had ever been sure of before. I sipped water and prepared myself.
“I... see... now” I croaked hoarsely, “Sometimes... some of us... have to break the rules.” The others nodded quietly, completely accepting, and then the feeling swept away from me, sated. There was silence for the rest of the afternoon and more water and some food were brought to us. I don’t know what was in it, but all of us had to run into the bushes as our guts emptied, like forever.
Ashamed, I wiped myself clean with straw and bark when I realized we were all taking a dump in the woods. Thinking about it, I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of. People had been doing this since time began. It was part of who we were. Black Bear returned to us when we were done and brought us into a circle where a bonfire was being built.
After all this time in silence, he turned and spoke to us. We hung on each word as if we had never been spoken to before in our lives, as if speech was a precious gift, not to be wasted.
“Each of you has been tested, and all have been found worthy. Running Deer has broken the silence during your vigil because it is his place to do so. It is a good Omen for all, it was his place, and only his place. All of you respected that. You did not correct him and you honoured him for breaking his rule.” He brooded, thinking out his words with care. “Our place in the Great Hall is already determined for us. Some run faster, some see clearer. Others provide, and some tend to Care. Here is what our Elders have seen for you…” Black Bear cleared his throat and palmed a woven necklace for each of us. It was of leather and feathers, of pebbles and grass and of wood and of wire, each of ours had a slightly different pattern.
Black Bear stood first before Dean who looked up slowly, pride flashing in his dark eyes. “White Eagle, blood of my blood, tonight you will be one of us. This tribe you have assembled to stand with you are mighty and pure. You will have a foot in their world and in ours, but all of you are welcome here, always. It is in your nature to soar between worlds, between earth and sky. You see between worlds, between Red and White, between New and Old and your path will always bring peace in its wake. You are White Clouds no longer. The child is dead, the Man is come.”
Black Bear moved to where Bobby stood, hollow-eyed and trembling. “It is Mourning Song’s call that rouses our spirits each day and calls us to great things, whatever the new day will bring. Where he stands, others will rally though their hearts may burst. You will always lead others, Mourning Song, sometimes for others and sometimes for yourself. For all those who are alone in the dark woods, they only have to hear Mourning Song’s voice to know Dawn will soon follow.” Bobby accepted the necklace on his bended knee before Black Bear.
The old man stood before me. He smiled slowly and patted my cheek tenderly, my face moist with tears. “Running Deer will always be one step ahead, searching for danger and keeping paths clear. His paths may be long and lonely, but always safe to follow. When Danger looms, Running Deer will draw it away until either his heart bursts or the danger goes.” He lowered his voice until only the four of us could hear “Sometimes Running Deer will run long after the danger has passed. Sometimes Running Deer’s brothers must tell him to stop running.”
He moved over to Michel and placed the necklace over his head. He placed his hand over Michel’s heart and smiled fondly. “It is Painted Horse that moves us from home to home and carries us into war. His is the certainty by which we live. Whenever a fire hearth needs to move from Summer to Winter camp or when we need to defend our herds from raiders, it is Painted Horse that will carry us there, whatever the day may bring, however the day may end.” The old man nodded, satisfied. His face cracked into a craggy smile, the first I had seen. I was surprised how much his smile was like Dean’s. “I would see more of you, grandson. After tonight, none of you can ever be strangers, not to you or to us. Please do not stay away too long, next time.”
The morning after; we were driving back down the rocky path in silence. Although we had put on our gear, inside we all felt different... as old as the sky, as rich as the earth and as warm as the sun.
Chapter Sixteen
“An’ you be there by six, yeah?” Bobby sighed, I must have been missing something.
“Yeah, trust me I’ll be there.” I smiled in to the phone “You miss me at practice, just say so.”
“I miss you at practice.” Bobby chuckled.
“We usually there by six-thirty. What’s the deal?”
“First practice, missing games, start of season... anything more?”
“Nah, Cappy. I’ll be there.” I couldn’t stop smiling “Hey, Cappy...?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you...” I felt myself grinning like a fool, unable to stop “...really do.”
“I love you,
Big Guy.” and I knew he meant it.
I hung up and stared at the forms June had left on my desk. A counter-offer from The Company. Obviously, her news that I was not interested in renewing the contract had sparked all sorts of frenzy in the power-that-be. Lots of cash, lots of clauses, lots of ties. Poor June, the pressure must be huge. I had to lance this... and soon. I should... I should really do this now. Squaring my shoulders, I grabbed the document and stalked to her office.
I’m sure people who had never heard of me before knew who I was, even though they had never seen me before. It certainly felt like it... Towering six and a half feet, stubble-skull with scar, green eyes, built like brick shit-house... must be Finch, move aside... I parted the crowded upper corridors like Moses with the Red Sea as I moved towards June’s office with the papers clutched in my hand.
“Come on in.” She looked up as I opened the door and walked in after two sharp knocks.
“See here, I’m not signing this contract, June.” I launched right into it. “First off, I am on a contract that suites me just fine. Second, the principles have offered me ten times my current rate to contract for them, part time for half the actual work, and third... not only do I have massive conflict of interest with this... but being a Director of the company that could quite possibly bankrupt itself if they were to lose my expertise is not a good business prospect. Especially if I were to agree to take the work and give almost three quarters of it back to the place paying my salary, and then hyper-inflate the value of the work request.”
“Oh, and you have these offers?” June signalled with her eyes, but I wasn’t about to be distracted.
“In writing and in triplicate. All of the launches for the first half of the next decade are waiting to be set and programmed by the end of next year. I will begin with them as soon as my contract here is ended. I won’t touch the forms or even look at the code until I am clear and out of here. Thereafter, I will sign the documents for a total of two percent of a total of two hundred million dollars worth of deals. My commission if I leave this Company is four million dollars, and if I accept this contract and stay... one and a half million dollars. Can you do the math?”