by Caldon Mull
“You are home, dumb-ass.” I grinned standing and stretching my legs. Some of the porters and maids had moved in and the minimal mess was being packed away quickly. We sauntered out together, onto the porch and towards the cars. There were only a few left, and it wasn’t too late, either.
“Only because you’re here, now.” Bobby slapped my ass “An’ in twenty minutes, my home will be in Storyville in a big ol’ bed.”
“Where my keys?” I yawned, nearly missing the step onto the gravel path to the car park. “I’m drivin’ this time, Big Guy.” Bobby frowned quickly “You mind?”
“Nope.” I smiled to myself in the dark “‘Bout time…”
Bobby and I spent the rest of that night comforting and being comforted, and essentially saying goodbye for awhile. It was a physical, emotional and spiritual thing and probably the most intense thing I had ever felt with someone. I guess because of the fact that everything had gone so well all through the launch of the Lodge, I would class this as another of my perfect days… lying in the dark, holding someone I loved and whispering loving re-assurances.
I want to stop here, but there’s more. You see, I want to write this until I have nothing more to say, nothing more to explain, nothing more to deliberate. I put off starting this journal for years until I found myself all alone and broken in a strange place with no-one to talk to and nothing I could do to fix anything.
In the morning I drove him back to the Lodge with his kit, collected the Trophy to take with and saw him and Cat off from the airstrip in her ‘plane. After they had made the hills and vanished from my sight, I let out a deep breath that I wasn’t aware I was holding and got back into the jeep and headed back to the Lodge to sign some more papers with Will Dekker.
I tried to ignore the hole in my guts that had suddenly opened up, but Bobby was in the best care I could think of… and I knew he was safe as I could make him. By now my work was in free-fall with Charlie and Ralfie busy doing everything and me checking in every day on telephone as well as coming into the office at least once a week. The Lodge was running quite efficiently with Meat and Lizzie… and I felt I wasn’t needed all that much.
All my life I guess I never felt like I was needed. I was proud of not really needing anyone else, and so when Bobby and Dean and Kyle and Shane and Michel and June and… well, everyone I have mentioned started to include me, started to need to be around me, I got used to the fact that I liked needing them back.
I liked for them to need me… not my stuff, just me. I can’t make this clear, not for you reading this… and, I don’t think too clear for me at that moment… I liked needing people who needed me, just a little bit. Even… even if it was a hot, slow fuck between dinner courses with my roomies, or a lift into town at five in the morning, or… or… an extra pair of strong guns at a barn raising early on a Sunday morning for a complete stranger, but who knew or was kin to someone I knew.
It wasn’t something I ever thought I would wind up feeling… not being needed. Not having someone to need… that was something that floored me, then.
Chapter Twenty
“So… umm, you gonna be gone long?” I shrugged, trying not to let my feelings show on my face.
“No. I guess not.” Michel shrugged “I just know that I gotta finish up with some projects and then it’ll all be done. I get my degree.” He grinned “It’s also one of the few times anyone with architecture finished so quickly. I guess I’m not so stupid after all.”
“Never said you were, Stud.” I sipped my coffee, careful not to look at him. “You stayin’ anywhere?”
“Not yet. I’ll sort that out soon. I got a coupla’ weeks still.” Michel hummed to himself while he cleaned the dishes. “Why? What’re ya thinkin’ ?”
“Nuthin’.” I lied. “I mean Cappy’s bin gone nine days, Kid’s bin gone five days… an’ now you also getting’ ready to leave, the week after I’m finally out of The Company.” I forced a grin I didn’t quite feel “Like… I gotta shelf-life?”
“Oh. Ah man! I didn’t think like that.” Plates clinked in the dry rack, I watched the swirls of wood on the table top catch the light.
‘So… uhhhh… you don’t mind if I take some time to think about all this?” I sighed to hold back the welling bubbling in my gut. Emotions… they weren’t helping me here. “Maybe… maybe I could help somewhere.”
“Um, sure Big Guy, take the time you need.” Michel’s voice sounded muffled. “What… what type of help you thinkin’… I got cash, so I guess I c’n afford a place to stay, I jes’ don’t know the place too well.”
“What?” I turned at the sound of his voice and caught him rubbing his hands over his face. “I know when you do that… what?”
“I didn’t think, y’know… with everyone leaving… well, I could’ve ‘bin more… I guess… considerate.”
“Stop frettin’ Stud…” I forced a grin and stood up to hug him, he tensed in my arms. “Nah… really.”
“I should’ve tol’ ya…” Michel melted and clung to me “I’ve jes’ ‘bin so… so… self absorbed, is all.” He sighed and rubbed my back tenderly “I guess I nearly took you for granted there.”
“I don’t care about that.” I nestled my face into his neck and clung to him “I just want to be able to help you be happy and help you do what you gotta do, is all.”
“Hey… How ‘bout we… drive my truck up together, share costs?” Michel snuggled, arms tucked around my waist. I ran my hand through his hair, thinking. “If’n you don’t mind bunking with me in flea motels half way across the country?”
“Y’know…” I grinned “That’s an adventure I’d really, really dig to have. You gonna try and stick me with that mare-killer of yours a coupla’ times?”
“Yeah, think so, wanna swap some stickin’…?” Michel’s’ lips twitched into a grin against the soft skin under my ear “One fer one…?”
“Sounds like an excellent plan.” I hugged him tight. “Give me sumthin’ ta do.”
“Me?” Michel grinned and pulled back, aluminum eyes mock-surprised.
“Yip, you!” I smirked “I reckon you long overdue for some one-on-one ass pounding.”
“Count your pounding carefully, buddy.” Michel slapped my ass “‘Cos you gonna get it back in spades… I could use a driving buddy, but a fuck-buddy as well… Boss! You gotta deal there.”
“Glad to help.” I kissed him, he kissed back “Now we gotta route to plan…”
We left two days later and took a slow drive through the quieter lanes. It really was an incredible trip in so many ways. If I think back, there were many days that just seemed to roll into one endless moment of peacefulness. Each night we’d find a quaint little B&B, or a quiet truck stop to bunk in. I must confess I was more interested in the picturesque nature of the trip than the actual travel, I was already planning another Lodge, just like the one in Storyville.
Naturally, Michel and I spent most of our time after dark unwinding with a beer and being social with the locals. I won’t go into details there, needless sex was on the menu quite a few times… mostly with each other, but there were those times when one or two of the local girls and boys wanted a taste of something new… and got some. One balmy day’s travel, about a hundred- fifty miles from Denver, I turned to Michel and said “I’ve bin thinking.”
“Yeah?” He stretched in the Passenger seat and twisted to face me “Sounds dangerous.
‘Bout what?”
“A trip each year out in the sticks. Y’know… just us… y’know, close friends at the House.” I shrugged, thinking it through more carefully. “Where we can go and just be …us. With each other…”
“I’d go.” Michel grinned and patted his six-pack abs. “Keep me fit, a chance to talk about all the shit that might be happening in my life with my buddies… No shit-head dick-swinging about how big my car is, or how much stuff in my house… an’… an’… even if I got a wife and kids, it’s still a place for me to get a fuck with no guilt an’ no sha
me, ‘cos we were there before those after. I’d think it would be a chance to be faithful… That don’t sound right…”
“No, it does.” I interrupted him “Most of that is on the nail. I mean… I wouldn’t drag the Kid up half a mountain just to top his ass in a cave… I mean I would, but that’s not why we would go there. We’d go there to go there, an’ jes’ relax with each other, like you ‘n me going through on this trip. The sex is… well, if it was going to happen… then…” I trailed off trying to think it through “I mean, I guess the sex would be a reason, just to have it…”
“Like that redhead with the huge cans…” Michel sighed and folded his arms behind his head, happy smile reminiscing “Man, you can pull the babes… she was humping me so fast I forgot you had your dick in me.”
“Yeah… well you nearly tore it off when you came. Damn your ass can squeeze…” I laughed, turning a winding bend with a lookout post. “Hang on. Let’s stop here a few moments.”
“I’ll bring the camera.” Michel hopped out to stretch his legs “You sure got an eye for scenery this trip.”
“It’ll be worth it, you’ll see.” I smirked and took snaps of the view.
“You not explaining why all the stops, all the snaps…?” Michel leaned on the lookout rail, his solid muscles bunching under his thin white tee. I could see his thick man-nipples strain the fabric. A spot of stray sunlight danced on the hollow of his back between his hem and his belt. I took a shot of him standing there, grinning at the valley below, oblivious to what I was doing. Damn, he was beautiful… my closest friend.
“Eh? Oh, more Lodges.”
“Oh?” Michel turned suddenly, eyes bright “Cappy gonna syndicate?”
“Most likely. His partners, The Trust are lookin’ to have the same theme going in a coupla places.. Lodge, Park, Trails… kinda like a… an ecotourism thing.” I shrugged. The notion I had was looking better and better the more places I found. “I mean people are talkin’ about ‘ecotourism’ the last ten years, but there ain’t a lot of places yet that define it. I’m thinking this is the way to go, jump into the niche before anyone else.”
“Wow! That’s a lot of bungalow kits, and I guess each Main Lodge would need to be slightly different with all the same elements. Man, that’s the best news I heard… well, ever…” He beamed.
“Well, I’m handlin’ the contracts.” I shrugged “It looks like we can get in on the ground floor and repeat what we did with Storyville more or less… make a difference, make people happy… make money while we doing it. Will Dekker is in, too. Silent partner.”
“Ah… wow!” Michel fairly burned in the sunlight with happiness “Man! That’s a consortium I could throw my cash into. Makin’ my own work… my own work.”
“Your contract is in the tog-bag, Stud. You already in.” I smirked “I figured you’d want a piece. I was gonna spring it on you when we got to Redmond.”
“Man, you think of everything.” Michel hugged his elbows “I’m gonna burst.” His grin turned into a leer “Wanna fuck on my hood? I haven’t seen another car for an hour. I could really use a come.”
“Sure thing buddy, what you want.” I patted my stiffening cock “I was gonna ask anyway.” “Revenge for the redhead…” Michel whipped off his belt and tugged at his drooling cock, sliding his free hand under my belt while I popped my buttons. “Damn, this is my perfect day…” “Yeah…” I grinned as I leaned onto the truck’s hood, “… it sure looks like it from here.”
We pulled the truck up the drive, the big old house looking like it always did, clean and almost as new, testament to Parsons almost maniacal maintenance habit. He stood on the Porch watching us approach, looking the same as ever, neatly combed hair and somber black clothing. He beamed at me as I stepped out of the drivers side.
“Acey, it’s been too long. I didn’t think you would spend so much time away.”
“Parsons, please meet Michel. He’ll be staying here for a little while.”
“A house-guest?” He shook Michel’s hand enthusiastically “That’s something else we haven’t had for awhile. Welcome lad, welcome.” His smile faded slightly when he turned to me, “There is something else, too Acey. I have been trying to call you, but you were on the road. That nice couple house-sitting your place told me you were on your way here, so I didn’t push it.”
“What?” I shrugged. I couldn’t think of anything that would need my urgent attention. “It’s… it’s the doctors, Acey… they say it’s time… Any longer would be cruel.” Parsons quickly wiped his face, a nervous habit I knew, he was hiding a deep upset. “You have to make up your mind, lad… you must face this.”
“Andy… Andy?” Michel moved around his truck, toting the luggage “What’s wrong?”
“Sorry lad, family matters.” Parson swallowed thickly, smile brittle.
“He’s my family, Parsons.” I swallowed thickly “Ease up a little, ‘kay?”
“Sorry.” Parsons sighed deeply “Bring the bags inside.” His shoulders slumped with the weight of the world. “We’ll go up as soon as you’re ready.” He moved past the double, stained glass doors into the darkness of the hall, I started to follow. Michel grunted behind me with the bags on the steps.
“Stud… I don’t wanna get heavy on you… but remember ‘no secrets’ like we talked about…?”
“Yeah.” Michel sighed “I’m guessing you were holding out?”
“Yeah.” My feet felt leaden on the stairs.
“I’m guessing it’s a doozy, right?” The Hall’s darkness enveloped us as he followed me up more flights to my room.
“Yeah.” I couldn’t answer until I opened the door to my old room. He dumped the bags on the floor and watched me as I sat on my old bed. I couldn’t stand him staring, and covered my face with my hands.
“Phew” Michel sat on the bed next to me, put an arm around my shoulders and hugged me “I ain’t seen you like this… an’… an’… I hate it.” He pulled my head onto his chest and ran his fingers through my hair tenderly “So, I’m gonna ride this through with ya, Big Guy… whether you ready fer it or not… I’m gonna ride this through with ya. Oh, man… lookit ya!” Michel sighed, kissed my forehead gently “This is one of the biggies, ain’t it?”
“Yeah…” I whispered through the cold, silent tears soaking his thin t-shirt.
“I c’n take it, bro…” Michel prized my hands away from my face, turned my head to look into my eyes. “Trust me, Running Dear. No matter how big or how bad what yer monkey is… I promise… I promise I’m gonna stare it down wit’ cha’. Next ta ya, and by your side. Ain’t nuthin’ of your problems that’s bigger or worse than me lettin’ you down , or me failin’ you when you really need someone.” He dropped his hands from my face and hugged my shoulders “An’ if you were in Storyville, there’d be a line at the door three blocks long of folks lookin’ fer that chance… you trust me?”
“Yeah.” I sighed, tears trickling over my cheeks.
“An… you love me?” Michel kissed my forehead.
“Hell, yeah.” I sniffed, grinning weakly.
“An… you fuck my ass?” He whispered in my ear.
“Yeah, reckon I do.”
“So you see, after all that’s been sorted between us, there ain’t nothing really important else, is there?”
“No.” I sat for awhile leaning into his warm body, his strong faithful heart beating against my skin.“C’mon… I’m ready as I’ll ever be.” I took his hand and lead him through the silent corridors to the south tower and climbed the steps with me to where Parsons would be waiting.
“Oh man… Andy… I didn’t ‘xpect this…” Michel whispered as we stood in the top room, surrounded by the sheets and the machines and the sterile smell of hospital sheets.
“I… I… could never let her go… don’t you understand…?” I sobbed again, each breath catching my words “I knew… that it would’nt… probably work… but you see, there’s… there’s the chance… the off- fuckin’-chance
… that she would… that… that… she could… that…”
“Oh, lad…” Parsons sighed “I never stopped hoping either… but it never did.”
Mom lay where she had been these last fifteen years, except now she was bird-thin, hair as white as snow, her skin a dark, livid, unhealthy colour.
“Petey always came at least twice a year and talked to her and combed her hair like he used to before… you went away.” Parsons smiled thinly “But now her liver has failed and the dialysis isn’t working properly anymore and all the systems are just… old.” Parsons wiped a single tear off his cheek “Acey… It’s you that needs to let go. We’ve all faced this for years, it’s time for you to let her go.”“N… n… no… I…” I could feel myself crumbling inside, hard slices of me peeling off the top of me and crushing the soft parts of me underneath..
“Andy.” Michel moved behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders “Who’s hurting here?” He hugged my chest and rested his chin on my shoulder. “I… don’t think it’s your mom, Andy.”
“I’m sorry… Momma, I’m sorry… I just couldn’t… turn it off… an’… an’… I just couldn’t… turn me… on again…”
“Acey… my lad, it’s been a long time now and… it’s time.” Parsons picked up the silver hair-brush that was her favorite and gently started running it through her snow-white hair. “I’ve asked the doctors to come through tomorrow and… you need to sign the documents.” Parsons sighed deeply “I’m not asking you, lad and I’m not begging. I’m telling you. Make your peace with her and with yourself, because I will be giving my sister her long deserved peace tomorrow. If I have to put a gun to your head to do it this time… I will.”
“N…no…NO!” I pulled away from Michel and bolted out the door blindly. I didn’t know what I was thinking, or even if I was thinking. To be honest I remember very little of those moments, or the next few hours… I don’t think I ever will, or if I could… I don’t think I ever want to.