by Caldon Mull
“Hey.” I nodded and grabbed a grass stalk and chewed on it slowly.
“How did you find me?” He asked me, his eyes still closed. The view of the lake and the woods stretching away in front of us would be more than just smoky-purple splashes of colour in a few more minutes.
“I’ve always known how to find you.” I shrugged “You’ve been away for three weeks, I’ve always known I could find you, but I’d planned to give you some time to think. If you couldn’t work it out by now, I guess you’d need some help. Did you plan to stay away forever?”
“I dunno. I haven’t really ‘bin thinking these last few days.” Bobby sighed and turned to look at me, his eyes circled with fatigue. “I figured I thought all I could, but I was wrong, there’s still so much to think about. I didn’t want to think while you ‘n Cat was around… I couldn’t think with you ‘n Cat around.”
“You thought all you need to?” I scrunched my legs out in front of me, ass cold against the night- chilled ground.
“I guess.” Bobby sighed and stared down at his feet. “Still don’t know what I’m gonna do, tho…”
“Hmmm.” I sighed “Talk to me?”
“Guess so.” Bobby wiped at a tear running down his cheek “I’m so ashamed.”
“Tell me why, sport?” I sighed “‘Cause I surely don’t know why.”
“She was there when I needed someone, Andy.” Bobby swallowed hard, licked his dry lips “An’… an’ I promised myself it would just be that one time… an’ how when we talked about this happening you said you wouldn’t mind it…” Bobby broke off, took a deep breath.
“Go on, buddy, just tell me all about it.” I chewed on my grass stalk and watched Bobby’s lake shimmer in the reflected sunlight, a flock of birds circling in for landing, only barely visible dark spots above the water.
“So… so then we did it, an’ I was just blown away. Something… something was just right… Andy… it was just right. It was like with you, only… different. It was like everything with you… but… but I felt like I was …whole. Andy, you never made me feel anything but good. Every minute with you, I can still feel… you make me feel like… like me, more’n anything or anyone ever done.” Bobby nibbled on a grimy thumbnail “But Cat made me feel like I was a man. The sorta man my Pops always wanted me to be. I lay awake that first night with the full moon shinin’ in through the windows, jes’ holding her an’ I wanted to burst. I love you, man… and I love her… and I knew this felt right. I figured that If’n I could get you both together I could feel like that all the time.”
“But then…” I nodded sadly, there was enough pain in his voice, enough remorse in his tears to soften my heart towards him. I realized right there and then that I still loved him and didn’t blame him, or Cat at all.
“Then… then after a week like that, she tells me that she’s your kin an’ you’re The Trust. I… I didn’t know what to think, Andy… I jes’ didn’t know what to think. Here you throwin’ cash at a hick boy with a drownded farm, building all those pretty logpiles, clearin’ the forest and puttin’ in game… an… and you Cat’s kin.”
“Afore you go on…” I cleared my throat, feeling the hurt spilling out in his words “You must believe me when I say I set up those deals I saw it as a good business, something to bring life back into this part of the world. I didn’t send you cash ‘cause I felt sorry fer ya, an’ I sure as fuck didn’t set up all these deals ‘cause we was fuckin’. You want me to say it ag’in, until you get it into yer fool head… or yer got it?”
“Heh!” Bobby smiled, the first one I had seen from him since he left for Miami “Nah, I got that Big Guy, I sorted that one in my head pretty quick on the way back here. Back there in the sweat lodge for Dean’s… y’know… you said then you was loaded. I never gave a shit about it then, an’ I’m surely not gonna give a shit about it now. I jes’ never gave a thought to how much you was loaded. It never mattered.”
“Good.” I shrugged.
“… An’… an’ you good with money. You don’t give a shit about it, so you take chances… an’… an’ they pay off.”
“An’ you good at football and you make a helluva Lodge Owner. You know how many deals people are makin’ back in your bar, right now? I bet in a few years time, folks only wanna sign a deal if it was made there.” I grinned “You at the centre of Storyville Business now, not the mouldy ol’ Town Father’s buildings, your place is hip, it’s sexy… and folks are going there to meet up with the movers an’ the shakers… all by you.”
“Heh! I know it, that’s why I left there a little while ago… it’s jes’ as noisy in my head there as at your place in Washington. That’s why I came here, to clear the noise a little.”
“Hmmm… I knew you would.” I wiggled my toes in my boots, trying to work the chill from them. “I do know you, Bobby-Lee. I’ve said it before, an’ I mean it.”
“Reckon you do.” Bobby shrugged and grinned ruefully “Better, I guess, than I know you. Thing is, I thought I knew me… but I was wrong.”
“Hmm, c’mon, talk some more.” I looked into his fatigued eyes. “Tell me what’s going on in there. I wanna know, Bobby-Lee, I really do.”
“Ah, man.” Bobby rubbed his face. Something he must’ve learnt from Michel. I could hear the rasp from his stubble in the still air and smell his stale sweat as his shirt rubbed against my shoulders. “I still don’t know. All I know is that look on your face like you would break me in two… that look of sheer hate! I… I… you much stronger than me, Big Guy… you got sand like… like the whole sahara and you keep that steel hidden far, far below. When… when it shows, you always take me by surprise. When you… make love… to me, it’s total. You, angry like that…it crushed me, Andy… I jes’ couldn’t… I… couldn’t… Oh god…”
“Hey.” I nudged his shoulder, rubbed my ear against his flannel shirt “It’s OK… I’m not going to kill you. I made a promise to Cat I wouldn’t.”
“I think you should, it’d be easier.” Bobby grimaced at his shoes, pulled his knees up and rested his chin on them. “I couldn’t… choose…”
“You don’t have to, love.” I sighed, leaned away and started to get to my feet, determined to play this to the end “You guys fuck a lot while you were down there?”
“Hell, yeah.” Bobby grinned “I reckon you two gotta be kin, you both like horny three- balled wildcats… yeesh anywhere, anytime… all the time. I’d get inta the bath in the hotel and my balls would float.”
“Figures.” I sighed.
“Why you ask, Andy… does it make any difference?” Bobby swivelled around to watch me standing, puzzled look on his face.
“She’s late, Cappy. You gonna be a daddy. She’s waiting at the Lodge for you.” I dusted my jeans and pulled my shirt straight, tucked in my belt. Around the general store, people were stirring slowly and opening up. “I suggest you start to think of me ‘n you as in-laws.” An empty feeling suddenly appeared below my lungs, cold and… empty. I had flown all this way with Cat after tracking him to the Lodge, just to say this to him. “It’s been fun, Cappy… but… but it’s over.”
“Wh… wha…” Bobby blinked at me in shock.
“Uh-huh.” I steeled myself inside and turned and walked slowly back to the dust track leading back down the mountain. I could hear him scrabbling to his feet after me.
“So you just… cut me out… just like that!” Bobby growled at my retreating back “That’s cold, man… wicked cold.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.” I stopped in my tracks, hissed quietly over my shoulder “You don’t have to choose anymore. I’m playing it as it lays, and I’m gonna do whatever is best for the two people I love most in the world… no matter what you want.”
“I ain’t gonna take that from you, Running Deer!” Bobby threw a pebble at my back, it stung my shoulder something awful. I turned to face him and saw he was working himself into a fighting stance.
“You gonna have’ta Mourning Song, you made th
e choices… now what you gotta do is stand by the consequences.” I growled back at him.
“I don’t! I won’t!” Bobby pulled off his shirt “Fight for me! I want you to fight for me! I’m not going down without a fight!”
“I’ve never bin bested, Mourning Song.” I unbuttoned my shirt, I knew he was wicked fast in-close and didn’t want to give him the leverage to grapple me with my clothing.
I had a longer reach and was faster, but if we did fight, it’d be close. I put on my game-face and growled “You don’t wanna do this.”
“Fuck, I do!” Bobby shifted his balance, I copied his stance “If I beat you, I get to say what I want to do, an’ who I get to do it with.”
“An’ if I best you, you’ll do as I’ve said… honour your commitments!” I growled at him. “Deal. But you gotta take it outa my hide, Running Deer… I reckon you not so tough.” Bobby’s eyes narrowed, he was going to make a bull-rush soon, I was ready for him. “I reckon I can take you!”
“Maybe… maybe not.” I tensed as he made his move, side-stepped and sapped him in the ribs. He growled again, twisted and pulled me to the ground and we got to work on each other.
It took about an hour to beat him down, he was tough, strong and highly motivated… but in the end, with both of us gasping in the dirt in front of the General Store, it was me who stood up, swaying like a redwood in a tornado, but standing. The fight had pulled a crowd, Black Bear was sitting on the porch drinking an icy peach tea, watching us carefully. I pulled two from the ice box and put some small change in front of Black Bear. One of my eyes was swelling shut as I groggily watched the coins spin on the table-top, reflecting the dancing sunlight.
“Brothers should not fight over a woman.” He said slowly.
“No… no, they should not.” I croaked through a split lip.
“Running Deer, why have you and your brother Mourning Song had this battle, here?” Black Bear continued relentlessly.
“I… need him to stand with the children he has made… they are of my blood, and he is of my tribe.” I popped the tops of the soda’s “He did not know of this… and now he does.” I winced as I moved too quickly for my ribs.
“Ah, then your fight is just. Remember our ways, Running Deer. Woman may come and women may go, but Brothers can always rely on each other.” Black Bear nodded, satisfied.
“I fight to keep him, Black Bear…” I whispered, exhausted. “I fight for his children… and I fight for the father he is to be… and I fight him to remind him that he is my Brother… and always will be…”
“Once again Running Deer, you have broken a rule because it is your place to do so.” Black Bear whiffled his solitaire deck and dealt himself another hand, apparently losing interest in the whole show.
People started drifting away, most were gone by the time I propped up Bobby’s head and let him sip the soda.
“You got a mean left hook, y’know?” Bobby grinned, “Ow…” he touched his lip, gingerly.
“Yeah, I know.” I looked him in the eyes “You nearly had me, though. I ‘spect only Tank is big enough to nail me proper… you came close, real close.”
“I guess, but you won fair and square…” Bobby sat up and took the soda from me “I guess we do it your way, then.”
“Yeah.” I sat behind him and pressed my back against his, sipped the soda. I could feel the heaving of his chest through where our spines touched. “I don’t see any other way.”
“I had chosen you, though.” He said softly “Would it have made a difference?”
“Not now.” I sighed deeply “It is what it is.”
“Andy… Andy…” Bobby whispered “I’m sorry. If I could take it all back, I would.”
“I know.” My voice caught in my throat “I almost wish you could, but what’s done is done.”
“Cat…?” Bobby said softly.
“She wouldn’t give a shit, either way. I’ve never seen her so… anxious… as when you up and left on her. Everyone has a weak spot, I guess you are hers.”
“An’ you’re mine…” Bobby moaned softly “I fucked that up good, didn’t I?”
“Nah, special occasions… maybe… maybe even a hiking trip through the Rockies every year, we got time enough to sort it out.” I slowly stood, things were beginning to cramp up. “C’mon sport, let’s get back to the Lodge and get cleaned up. I reckon you got a lot of sorting out to do with Cat, an’ you really need a shower.”
“Heh!” Bobby stood up, favored his right leg “Gimme some help here?” I locked my arm around his shoulder and we limped slowly back to the Jeep together, picking up our torn shirts
“We good, right?” I asked as I fumbled for keys in my jeans “We work this out, right?” “Yeah.” Bobby smiled at me through his bruises “Somehow, my Brother… somehow.”
“It’s gonna be… really hard… for me to… to…” I took a deep breath “…to not…”
“Me too.” Bobby looked up, eyes moist “An’… I know you. I know how deep you feel. You think you don’t feel anything… but it’s because you feel so far down, all the way down, it only looks like you not feeling. I saw that right from the first time I saw you with Kyle, and I knew then that I’d love you for the rest of my life. No matter what we doin’ or where we are… If I can’t have you, then I want to be near you.” Bobby started to sob quietly “Please… please… don’t send me away… please Andy. Please don’t punish me anymore than I’m punishing myself. I love you, man. I really do.”
“Stop! Bobby, please stop.” I whispered “I ain’t punishing you, and I ain’t angry with you, and I ain’t gonna send you away. Bobby, I love you… but we gotta change somethin’ with us, an’… and this is what you an’ Cat gotta arrange, and this is what you and your kids gotta be happy with for the rest of your life. I’m gonna fit in as best as I can, but this is your life you gonna be planning with Cat, not mine. You really deserve to be happy, you’re worth it.”
“Take me home, Andy… I’m ready now.” Bobby put his head back against the head rest, cheeks wet with tears.
“I’m not gonna leave it here, Bobby-Lee.” I growled and twisted on the steering wheel until my bruised knuckles throbbed, “Not like this. I once said to you that I trust in my love for you, an’ it’s gotta be a huge fuck-up to break that, and that it was sumthin’ you don’t got in you. Remember?”
“Yeah man, I do.” He turned his head, his haunted eyes locked with mine.
“This… ain’t it, Bobby-Lee…” I felt my breath sobbing, but I couldn’t cry “…this ain’t sumthin’… that’d break… my… love. I ain’t hurt for what you done… I’m hurtin’ for what… I lost.”
“Please… forgive me, Andy.” Bobby sighed, anguished.
“Yeah… not now…” I tried a few deep breaths “But later. This ain’t a huge fuck-up, but it sure as hell stings like a bitch.” I gunned the motor and started the long, slow trip back to the Lodge in silence. Bobby dozed, exhausted.
When we got back to the Lodge, we were met by Cat, Mark and Lizzie. Cat watched with her face in her hands as Mark and Lizzie helped Bobby to his Cabin while Cat flew into my arms and sobbed into my shoulder, her tears streaking smears of mud down my chest.
“You found him, Acey…” she sniffed, her emotional storm clearing “Is he… is he… hurt?”
“Only by the common sense I had to pound into him, Cat.” I winced as I prized her loose.
“He didn’t know about the baby, an’… well, you owe me big for this one.”
“Acey… I… anything, Acey…” she looked at me with big eyes.
“See here Cat, he’s worried I’m gonna cut you both loose, so here is my promise to you.” I sighed and looked down at her, thinking desperately how to juggle this emotional triangle.
“I need you and I need him, otherwise this whole Lodge thing is gonna get too big, or go sour on me… an’ I don’t want to fire you guys. I also don’t want him running off whenever things get messy… but I don’t want him to think yo
u a man-trap, or somethin’.”
“Oh Acey…” Cat sighed “It wasn’t planned or anything. I could still have it…”
“Don’t!” I snapped “Don’t even think that! You know what it would do to Parsons… and you know what I think about that… and it would snap Bobby in half, Cat. We got enough love in this family to bring a few more into the world, and he really does love you… so don’t even think like that. I won’t have it.”
“Sorry.” She smiled up at me “I’m hormonal, you know…”
“Nice try, not for a couple months more. That won’t work on me, y’know.” I grinned, it hurt. “Listen here then, you wanna set up shop in the Old Home and shuffle between here and there, also take him through to the new sites we planned, it’d be fine with me. He’s happy because he’s still part of our family, the work will keep him ‘n you busy and I can come and go without too much fuss. You’ll talk to him’bout that?”
“Yeah, Acey, thanks.” Cat grinned “It didn’t feel like I lost anything, so much for owing you big!”
“Don’t be cheeky, that’s about as big as it gets to owin’ me, Cat. I love you girl, there ain’t no price I can put on that. Even if you piss me off to no sane end.”
“That’s because I’m allowed.” She gave me that thousand-watt-dimple smile and rubbed her face clean and started towards Bobby’s Cabin. “Acey…” she paused a few steps from me.
“Yeah?” I locked the jeep and started towards my Cabin.
“We both love you Acey… you’ve always been overly protective of me, and I guess he’s terrified that he let you down, somehow. Acey, I’m sorry I fell in love with your best friend. I didn’t mean it to happen, but that’s the way it is.”
“Don’t be sorry, he deserves someone like you in his life. Don’t fuck him around Caitlin, whatever you do. He’s used to the truth an’ he’s tougher than you might think. If you fuck with that, I’ll have something to say ‘bout it, you ‘n me. You got that?”