Flutter

by Amanda Hocking

  “You shut the door behind me.” I motioned to the closed door. “I think you’re okay with talking. You just want everything on your terms.”

  “What’s so wrong with that? Don’t you want everything on your own terms?” He ran a hand through his chestnut hair. He hadn’t cut it since we’d come back, and while I had never been partial to long hair on guys, it looked really good on him.

  In fairness, everything looked really good on him. Wearing slim jeans and a white sweater that rode smoothly over his muscles, he was still the most attractive vampire I’d ever seen, and that really was saying a lot. I hated him for it. The way he could just be casually spending the day in his room and look like that. More than that, I hated that I was still attracted to him, when I knew I had no reason to be.

  “I want things the way I want them, but I don’t force other people to live by my rules,” I said.

  “Neither do I. Am I forcing you to do anything?” Peter looked at me, letting his brilliant emerald eyes pierce through me. They still dazzled me, if not the same way they once did, but maybe in my hunger, they hit me even more. Everything about him just seemed so much more enticing.

  “No, but… I don’t know.” I shook my head and turned away from him, returning to pacing his room again. He leaned against one of the posts on his bed and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “Why don’t you just eat something instead of pestering me?” he asked.

  “No, no, I can’t,” I waved away the idea. “I’m fine anyway.”

  “Very convincing,” Peter sighed. “Is that what you’re doing here? Trying to distract yourself from eating? You’re probably fantasizing about ripping into your brother’s little boy toy, aren’t you?”

  “Don’t be disgusting!” I scoffed, but he was really close to the truth, and I blushed a little.

  “It’s not disgusting. It’s a fact of life.” He narrowed his eyes at me as something occurred to him. “You haven’t bitten anyone yet, have you? You’re still a virgin to the vampire ways?”

  “I’m virgin in every way,” I muttered under my breath before I could catch myself.

  “What was that?” Peter asked, his eyes widening.

  “Oh, never mind.” I shook my head and blushed deeper. “I haven’t been turned for very long. I need time to get everything under control.”

  “I see.” A smirk twitched on his lips, and I sighed heavily.

  “Stop! Don’t look at me like that,” I snapped, but that only made him chuckle softly. Groaning, I looked around his room, desperate to find something else to talk about.

  On his bed, half covered by his blanket in a poor attempt to conceal it, was a book. But not just any book. It was a century old with worn binding and tattered pages, and I had spent a great deal of time reading it a few months ago. Entitled A Brief History of Vampyres, Jack had been convinced that Peter had written it himself. I had stolen it from Peter’s room until it mysteriously disappeared.

  I moved towards his bed to grab the book, but Peter saw where I was heading and moved to intercept me. He was much quicker, but his attempt was half-hearted since I’d already seen it.

  He grabbed my wrist just as my hand touched the cover, and almost the instant his skin hit mine, it started to heat up considerably. I pretended like I didn’t notice and jerked my hand away from him before he could feel my pulse quicken in his grip.

  “You did take it!” I held the book up in front of his face, as if he wouldn’t know what I was talking about. “I knew you took it!”

  “It’s my book! You stole it from me!” Peter tried to match my indigence but failed. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was embarrassed at getting caught.

  “So?” I faltered for a minute, since he did have a point. “You weren’t reading it, and I didn’t ‘steal’ it. I borrowed it.”

  “And I wanted it returned.” He reached for it but I pulled it back before he could grab it. He didn’t look amused, and he held his hand out to me, waiting for me to give it to him. “Can I have it back please?”

  “I was reading it. I want to know how it ends.” I opened it, flipping the pages and trying to skim through it.

  He glowered at me over the top of the book, so I couldn’t pay that much attention. It didn’t really read like a novel, either, but rather it was part diary, part how-to manual.

  “Rosebud is the sled,” Peter replied flippantly, giving away the ending to Citizen Kane instead.

  “Why don’t you want me to read this?” I asked and looked up at him.

  “It’s not that I don’t want you to read it,” he said, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes, so I had a feeling that he wasn’t being entirely truthful.

  “Then why did you take it from my room?”

  “Because I…” He floundered for a minute, a very rare occurrence with him, and rubbed at his eyes. “I just didn’t want you to have it anymore.” I had never made him this distressed and irritated before, and I enjoyed it. Usually he was the one driving me nuts. “Do you remember when I took it?”

  “Yeah, it was the night you snuck into my room,” I said. He had done more than just sneak in that night.

  “And I bit you.” His eyes shifted, and his heartbeat changed. He had deep emotions buried in with biting me, but I couldn’t tell what they were. “Your blood tasted of Jack, and… so I didn’t want you to have the book anymore.”

  “This is your book, isn’t it?” I stopped taunting him. “I mean, you wrote this, didn’t you?”

  “Yes,” he said quietly. “So you can understand why I wouldn’t want you to have it after everything that happened with Jack.”

  “I do.” I held the book out to him so he would take it, but he just stared at it for a moment then looked up at me.

  “Do you still want to read it?”

  “Only if you wouldn’t mind.”

  “I don’t think it really matters to you what I mind.” His voice was barely audible, and he turned away from me, leaning his back against his bed.

  “That’s not fair, Peter! I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to make it up to you!”

  “I know you have,” he sighed. “Just take the book. Read it. It’ll take your mind off how hungry you are so you can finally fuck Jack.”

  My jaw dropped. That was what I was trying to do, but he didn’t need to throw it in my face like that, making it sound dirty and bad. It hurt and pissed me off, so I threw the book at his chest and stormed past him.

  “Alice, wait!” Peter groaned and grabbed my arm, stopping me from escaping his room. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

  “You’ve gotta meet me half way.” I was almost pleading with him. “I have been trying and trying. And even Jack is trying. But you gotta help me out here. You’ve gotta…” I trailed off and looked away.

  “Why is it so important to you that I forgive you?” Peter asked.

  That really was the question at the heart of it all. Why did it matter to me so much what Peter thought of me? It wasn’t even just about getting him and Jack to repair their relationship or making amends for damaging the family. It was something more than that, something that I couldn’t quite explain.

  “Why did you come back?” I whispered, unwilling to look at him. His hand burned warm on my arm, and I knew that I should shake it away, but I didn’t.

  “You asked me to.”

  “No, not from Finland. I mean that night that you took the book. You’d been gone for months, and then, suddenly, one night, you appeared in my room and you drank my blood.” I bit my lip, and I didn’t know why I was asking. Or why I’d even care about that night. “Did you really want my blood that badly?”

  “Your blood is divine,” he admitted sadly. “But I always wanted more than that.” He exhaled huskily. “What is it about you? You were more than just a human, and even now that I’m not bonded with you…” He trailed off, but I finally lifted my eyes to meet his. “Why can’t I resist you?”

  I inhaled deeply, breathing him in when
I should’ve been running away. His skin scorched against mine, but I felt my own body hurrying to match his temperature. His green eyes burned so intensely I couldn’t look away. The sound of his heartbeat rippled through me.

  The air was so thick with the scent and feel of him that I could almost taste it, and I wanted to taste him. I wanted him in the most visceral way.

  Suddenly his lips were on mine, and I can’t say if I moved to him or if he moved to me, but I definitely didn’t resist. His kisses were rough and soft all at once. Burying my fingers in his thick, silky hair, I pulled myself as close to him as I could get. His muscles were like granite forming to my body, and he wrapped his arms around me, crushing me to him. His mouth tasted amazingly sweet, and I wanted more.

  The blinding hunger surged through me, mixing bloodlust with passion. All my sense were blurring together into one. I could taste what I felt, and I couldn’t see anything. My pulse pounded in time with his, heavy and warm.

  And he smelled so delicious I could barely stand it. My body literally burned for him, like my skin was covered in flames and the only relief would come if I bit him.

  He kissed me ferociously, and almost playfully I pressed my teeth against his lip. I didn’t bite him, but I tested the waters to see if I could.

  Peter moaned, and the sound of his voice radiated through me. He would gladly let me bite him, let me drink the wonderful elixir that flowed through him, and I wanted him so badly it was painful.

  - 20 –

  Just before my teeth sunk into him, something inside me had a moment of sanity and screamed Jack.

  I’d like to say that just like that, I snapped out of it, but I didn’t. Thinking of Jack made me hesitate before I bit Peter, but it didn’t change how badly I wanted to.

  Everything about Peter was designed so I’d want him. His blood, his touch, his smell, really had been meant for me. I loved Jack, but the physical shell of Peter was everything my body had been made to want.

  Somehow, I managed to free my mouth from his, but I stayed in his arms, holding him to me. Peter started kissing my neck, and as wonderful as it would feel to have him bite me, I did not want to be bitten. I was starving, and losing more blood would only make it worse.

  In the end, it was my intense hunger that saved me.

  “No,” I moaned and tried to detangle myself from his arms. Either he didn’t hear me or he didn’t want to listen, because he kept hanging on to me, his lips trailing down the sensitive skin of my throat. “Peter! No!”

  When I pushed at him, he let go of me, but I wasn’t stable on my feet so I stumbled backwards. In the mess of kissing him, my hair had somehow come free from its messy bun, and it fell around my face, blocking my already blurred vision.

  The hunger and the intensity of kissing Peter left me feeling dizzy and strange. It was almost like being drunk. I was weak, and my eyesight was wrong. Everything had this hazy red edge to it, but that was from the bloodlust.

  “I can’t do that,” I shook my head and my voice came out weak.

  “I’m sorry.” Peter tried to catch his breath, but he wouldn’t look at me.

  I fought the urge to pounce on him again, and I think he struggled just as badly. To avoid temptation, he turned and walked out on the balcony.

  When he was gone, I grabbed onto the bed to keep from collapsing. The actual passion of the moment was fading away, but the bloodlust refused. If I didn’t eat something soon, I would go mad and slaughter something. A dark animal part of me threatened to surface, and I had to contain it.

  “Milo!” I shouted and stumbled out into the hallway. I couldn’t take care of this on my own. My stomach lurched and growled, and my body burned. “Milo!”

  “What’s going on?” Milo came out of his bedroom, and I wanted to bite him. Thankfully, Bobby didn’t follow out after him, because I’m not sure that I could’ve refused him. “Oh my god! Alice!”

  “I need to eat! Now!” I fell to my knees, clutching my stomach. My vision blurred even worse, and I could smell Bobby on Milo, making my mouth water. I was on the brink of blacking out, and it scared the hell out of me.

  “Oh, hell! Okay! Hang on, Alice!” Milo put his arm around my waist, which really wasn’t the wisest move in the world. His throat was completely exposed to me, and I seriously contemplated tearing it out.

  I closed my eyes and let him lead me downstairs, trying not to think of anything. The pain was overwhelming, and I moved stiffly, like a zombie. It seemed to take forever, but I don’t even really remember moving. The next thing I knew, I was in front of the fridge and Milo was handing me a bag, promising everything would be okay.

  The blood ran cold down my throat, and that wonderful searing heat spread over me. Drinking felt good, but it wasn’t like it normally was. Instead of being real pleasure, it was more the absence of pain. I swallowed several bags in a very short amount of time, but I don’t remember much after that. Almost the instant my thirst was quenched, I passed out.

  To make matters worse, I woke up in Jack’s bed to find him sitting next to me, looking at me with concern and adoration. I had just kissed his brother, and he was making sure that I was okay. Admittedly, he didn’t know that I had kissed Peter, but that made it worse somehow.

  And better, too. Because if he did know, there was a very good chance that he’d never want to talk to me again, and I wasn’t sure I could handle that.

  Once I assured Jack that I was okay, I insisted that I needed to take a long hot shower. He tried to kiss me, but I managed to avoid it without raising too much suspicion. He’d be able to taste Peter on me, and the whole point of this was that he didn’t find out about that.

  The hot shower didn’t really fix things, although it did give me a chance to think. Why had I kissed Peter? Being so hungry had left me more vulnerable and weak, but even when I thought of it now, the way his lips felt against mine, I wanted to kiss him still. My skin flushed warm, and I turned the faucet so the water was even colder.

  Of course, I could never kiss Peter again. Nobody could ever even find out about that. I loved Jack, and I do mean really and truly loved him. Whatever I felt for Peter had to be some kind of residuals from the bonding and nothing more.

  It was like how bloodlust made my body want things that I didn’t actually want, like when I was crazed and wanted to drink Milo’s blood or Bobby’s. It wasn’t the same as actually liking Peter or wanting to be with him. I didn’t have any real feelings for him at all… did I? I mean, I couldn’t. Not when I loved Jack and I had done so much to free myself from Peter.

  This was everything that I wanted… wasn’t it?

  When I came out of the bathroom, the TV was turned on to shark show on the Discovery channel, and I don’t know if Jack was trying to be ironic or not. Sharks were known to go into frenzy when they smelled blood, and apparently, so was I.

  Jack wasn’t really watching it, anyway. Standing in front of a mirror on the side of the room, he had on Dickies shorts, skater socks, and a white dress shirt with a black tie around it. He stared intently at the tie, struggling to knot it properly, but glanced back at the TV every time the music got dramatic.

  “Hey, how you feeling?” Jack didn’t turn all the way around when I came out of the bathroom, but he looked at me with concern and a lopsided smile.

  “Much better.” I forced a bright smile and walked over to him.

  I had put on my comfy pants and one of his tee shirts, as was my usual bedtime outfit. The sky would start to lighten soon, which meant that even though I had slept most of the night away, I would be getting tired again pretty quickly.

  “You look better. Showers are the answer for everything,” he grinned, then turned back to staring at himself in the mirror.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Trying to tie a tie.” His expression was in deep concentration, even though I knew he was half-listening to the TV too. He would never miss a shark attack. “Ezra usually ties them for me, and he’s getting sick of
it.”

  “Any luck?”

  “Never.” He looked tiredly at his reflection. “You know, vampires are supposed to be smarter and more talented and all that stuff. Can you imagine how badly I’d tie one of these if I was still mortal?” I stifled a laugh at his lack of skills, and he looked at me hopefully. “Do you know how to tie one?”

  “Nope,” I shook my head. “I never had any need to tie one, and Milo always knew how. You could hit him up. I’m sure he’d be glad to help.”

  “Maybe. But I think the point of this is that I learn how to do it myself.” He undid the mess he made of it, preparing to start over from scratch, but the music on the TV got very loud and ominous, so he turned back to watch it.

  On screen, a shark tore into some kind of carcass the camera crew had dropped in the water. The narrator was saying all kinds of things about how perfect the shark’s teeth were for eviscerating flesh and bone. “

  Holy cow! Do you see that?”

  “Yeah, that’s pretty intense,” I agreed.

  While I hated it when they showed sharks attacking things like seals or whales (although, strangely, I never minded watching sharks bite people), I did think there was something beautiful and awe inspiring about the power and grace of sharks.

  “You know, sharks are the only natural enemy vampires have,” he said, his eyes still locked on the television screen.

  “Yeah, Ezra told me that,” I said. “But I don’t know if they’re really a ‘natural’ enemy. I mean, how many vampires live in the water?”

  “That’s true.” The attack footage ended, and it was just sharks swimming about the ocean, not hurting anything, but Jack kept watching it. “If you stripped away any humanity or real consciousness from us, that’s what we’d be. They’re just pure muscle and perfectly designed killing machines. Of course, they have more teeth than us, so they’re much better at it.” The show went to commercial, and he gave me an easy smile before going to back to the business with his tie.

  “You really like sharks?” I asked, even though I knew the answer. We’d watched Jaws four times last summer, and he’d even made me watch the sequel that was supposed to be in 3-D and Jaws: The Revenge because (and I quote) “this time it’s personal.”