Flutter

by Amanda Hocking

  “Honestly, Alice, everything is going to be alright,” he murmured into my hair.

  “I wish I could believe you,” I whispered. My tears were calming down, but I left my head pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

  “Peter!” Ezra suddenly boomed, sounding as if he was standing directly at the bottom of the stairs.

  He broke whatever moment I had with Peter, and I realized how incredibly inappropriate and dangerous it was to let him hug me, even if I needed a hug. I pulled away from him and looked at the ground. Peter just turned and went downstairs to see what Ezra wanted, and I slunk back to Jack’s room.

  Matilda lay on Jack’s bed, looking very sad, and I climbed in next to her. I rested my head on her back and ran my fingers through her thick white fur. She whimpered a little, and I knew that she missed him too. But there was nothing I could do about it.

  Although, I was starting to think it was maybe for the best that he left. Clearly, I wasn’t good enough for him.

  Mae woke me up a few hours later. I sat up with a start, but she smiled wanly at me in the dark. “Jane is awake.”

  - 27 –

  Jane didn’t look any better, and she didn’t seem entirely alert. Mae had helped prop her up with a couple pillows. Her eyes were dull blue, almost glassy, and her expression was completely blank. She didn’t look happy or angry to be alive, but she watched me with kind of a subdued fascination. I think it was still hard for her to get used to the idea that I was prettier than her, even when I’d just woken up.

  “Hey,” I said. I stood awkwardly off to the side of the bed and pushed a dark strand of hair behind my ears. “How you feeling?”

  “How does it look like I’m feeling?” Jane asked.

  “Oh, she’s doing just fine,” Mae said before I could reply. A glass of water sat on the nightstand, and Mae handed it to Jane. She gave Mae a bored look, but she took it anyway, taking a long drink. “She’s been through a lot lately.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I said. Mae pushed the hair off Jane’s forehead, and I didn’t appreciate the way she fawned all over her. Jane did need extra care, but I didn’t like the way Mae made me feel incompetent.

  “You don’t know anything. We haven’t spoken in months,” Jane snapped, glaring at me.

  “That’s not my fault.” I was indignant. “I tried calling and texting you a million times. You were the one who didn’t want to talk to me!”

  “Yeah! Because you turned into a vampire!” Jane sat up straighter in the bed, and Mae looked annoyed that I was upsetting her.

  “You don’t need to get worked up,” Mae said, taking the water from Jane before she spilled it all over the bed.

  “So what if I’m a vampire?” I asked, ignoring Mae entirely. “You seemed just fine spending so much time with them that it almost killed you!”

  “Yeah because they were fun and they had something to offer me. You’re the most boring immortal on the whole planet. I mean, look at you!” Jane gestured to me with a skinny arm. “You’re wearing a blink 182 tee shirt and sweat pants!” I looked down at my clothes, pulling a ball of Matilda’s hair off my band tee shirt.

  “It’s pajamas!” I crossed my arms defensively over my chest. Then I pointed to her. “Did you see what you were wearing to the club tonight? Your dress was dirty and covered in stains!”

  “I hadn’t had a chance to change.” Jane dropped her eyes.

  “Girls!” Mae said. “You really need to calm down! Jane doesn’t need all this excitement.”

  “Whatever.” Jane rubbed her eyes. “Can I just get my clothes and get out of here?”

  “You can’t go anywhere, love,” Mae told her gently. “You’re sick. You need to get well first.”

  “And I can’t get well at home?” Jane tried to sound angry, but she was already relenting and leaning back in the bed. “Does Jonathan know I’m here?”

  “Um, kinda.” I exchanged a look with Mae. “Did you tell her how she got here?”

  “I told her that you found her at the club, and she was in bad shape.” Mae once again deftly avoided the truth, and I wondered how often she lied to us.

  “He won’t be happy when he finds out I’m here.” Jane wasn’t threatening us, and from the look she gave Mae, I’d say she was actually just trying to protect us. Her “boyfriend” definitely had an anger management problem.

  “We know, but we wanted you to be safe,” I said.

  I didn’t really understand the animosity between us. She had been living a reckless, dangerous life, and I wanted to help her change that, and maybe get back to being friends again. It would be neat to be friends with someone that didn’t live in the same house as me. Although, she probably would be living here, at least for a little while.

  “I understand.” Jane picked at her chipped nail polish and stared down at it for a minute. “You look really good. Your hair is longer.”

  “Yeah, our hair grows really fast.” I played with a strand of my hair and smiled at her. “You look… Okay, I can’t lie. You look pretty bad right now.”

  “I know.” She shrugged her bony shoulders. “But I’m here now. So I guess that’s something, right?”

  We talked for a few more minutes, but she was obviously getting tired. Mae sent me away, saying that Jane needed her rest. It had been awhile since I had been bit, but I remembered being exhausted for days afterward. Jane had to be stronger than I was just to be able to sit up and talk.

  As soon as the sun set, I enlisted Milo to make a run to the store with me. We picked up groceries for Jane, namely things heavy in fat and red meat, and energy boosters, like Red Bull and vitamins. Before we left I went to see if there was anything in particular she’d like to eat, and she said no, but requested we get her some hair dye.

  When we got back, Milo made her food, and she came downstairs to eat it. Bobby joined her, and she seemed semi-interested in him until she found out that he was gay and dating Milo. Then he became almost a nonentity to her. It was good to see the old Jane back in action.

  Half-way through her steak (which seemed unnecessarily rare, even by my standards, but Milo was the chef), Peter decided to make an appearance. It wasn’t really intentional. He had been back in the den, working with Ezra on something, and he wanted to go up to his room to grab a shower.

  As soon as Jane saw him, she locked her lasers on him. Naturally, he ignored her, but she almost tripped over herself trying to get up after him. Milo managed to assure her that Peter was completely off limits, but that probably only made her want him more. She realized that she wasn’t up to getting a new suitor just yet, so she let him go without chasing him down.

  Jane downed about ten Red Bulls, then went upstairs. I finally convinced Mae that Jane would be safe in my hands, even though I felt a bit thirsty. Jane wasn’t appetizing because she didn’t have healthy blood, and what she did have was tainted by another vampire’s scent. But I knew I’d have to eat before I went to bed.

  “So, I don’t really understand,” Jane said. She strolled through my closet, looking for clothes to borrow since I hadn’t thought to stop and pick hers up. I had a new and improved wardrobe, and for the first time in our friendship, I had clothes that she actually approved of.

  “What’s not to understand about clothes?” I sat down on the small bench by the shoe rack.

  It was overwhelming being in the closet, surrounded by all of Jack’s things. I had to go in here every day to get clothes, but I hurried out as quickly as I could. I lay back on the bench so I could stare up at the ceiling instead of Jack’s stuff.

  “Half of this closet is Jack’s stuff,” Jane touched one of his shirts. “But nobody’s made any mention of him since I’ve been here. Where is he?”

  “I don’t know.” My phone was in my hand, and I looked down at the screen, willing him to call me.. I hadn’t tried calling or texting him today, but I hoped giving him some space would make him come home. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

  �
��What do you mean you don’t know?” Jane had moved on to leafing through my clothes, and she looked at me sharply. “Aren’t you two like in love or something ridiculous like that?”

  “Something like that,” I muttered and lay my phone face down on my belly, so it couldn’t taunt me anymore. “We got in a fight, and he left.”

  “What’d you fight about? Who left the lid off the toothpaste?” Jane asked dryly.

  When she found something she liked, she just took off her top. She’d just been wearing an oversized tee shirt, having kicked off the pants a long time ago. While she straightened out my dress before putting it on, she stood there, dressed only in lime green panties, but at least they were bikini cut and not a thong. Her spine stood out rigidly, but I looked away before I could think too much of it.

  “No. It was a little more serious than that,” I sighed. Peter’s emerald eyes flashed in my mind, and I shook my head.

  “I can’t imagine you doing anything serious,” she said absently.

  Her focus was on her reflection in the mirror, modeling the strapless cocktail dress she’d slipped on. Even though I had lost weight, so had she, so my clothes were still too big on her. I’d say they were too short too, since Jane was still two inches taller than me and the hem fell way above her knee, but that was probably just right for her.

  “What do you think of the dress?”

  “It’s great,” I lied. For once, I’d look better in something than she did. Her shoulder blades stuck out like wings, and the top was made for a larger chest, so it was drooping weird in the front.

  “Do you have any heels to go with this?” Jane turned, admiring herself from a different angle in the mirror. “Every good dress needs a good shoe.”

  “Somewhere, probably. Dig around.” I gestured to the expansive shoe racks.

  “So what did you do that made Prince Charming run away?” Jane wasn’t quite ready to get shoes yet and returned to the task of stealing my clothes.

  “Kissed Peter.” I closed my eyes and grimaced.

  Instantly after I said it, I don’t know why I told her the truth. It wasn’t something I was proud of, but since it had happened, I hadn’t really been able to talk to anyone about it.

  Milo had said very little on the subject, mostly because he’d been too wrapped up in Bobby drama, and Mae and Ezra had never mentioned it. Besides that, Jane was really the only friend I had. Everyone else was family. Or Bobby.

  “What?” Jane wheeled on me, her eyes wide. “You kissed Peter? That really incredibly foxy guy I saw earlier? You kissed him? I didn’t even realize that was an option!”

  “It’s not.” I shook my head. “It was just a stupid mistake. I don’t even really know why I did it.”

  “I do. That boy is irresistible.” Jane looked wistful thinking of him. “If I were you, I’d say good riddance to Jack and move on to Peter.”

  “I don’t want to move on to him!” Too late, I realized that telling Jane was a really bad idea. I sat up and shook my head again. “I love Jack, and I want to be with him. Peter was an accident.”

  “Okay. Fine, I believe you,” Jane said dubiously. She kept staring at me though, chewing her lip. “So… does that mean he’s single?”

  “Jane!” I groaned. “Peter is bad news! And you need to stay away from vampires for awhile. Look what they’ve done to you.”

  “Yeah,” Jane shrugged, “but look what they’ve done to you.”

  She had a point. Vampires were literally sucking the life out of her, but me, they had given immortality, beauty, power, and money. In fairness, those were all things that Jane already had, except for the immortality part.

  “But I’m still miserable. So there.” I stuck my tongue out at her, and she shook her head.

  “Oh, Alice, you’ll always be miserable no matter what you have.” Jane turned back to my clothes, picking out something hot pink and skimpy that I had never worn. “That’s your lot in life.”

  “Maybe,” I exhaled resignedly. “But what’s yours?”

  “My lot in life is looking beautiful.” She held the dress up in front of her and looked at herself in the mirror. “Do you have any accessories?”

  Sure, Jane was irritating and self-absorbed, but it was oddly comforting having her around. I always knew exactly what I was getting with her. Despite myself, I actually sort of enjoyed her.

  For the hour I spent with her, I didn’t check my phone at all to see if I missed a call from Jack. I didn’t forget about him, exactly. The dull ache in my chest wouldn’t let me, but I wasn’t quite as obsessive as I had been.

  After Jane went to bed, I went downstairs to get something to eat. The slow burning spread from my stomach, and soon it’d gnaw all over me. Jane didn’t entice me at all, but Bobby was starting to, so it was time to eat. I gulped down the bag of blood, then went back to my room and curled up in bed.

  I was having a dream about this incredible warmth growing inside me. It wasn’t a burning, like a fire, but something different and more wonderful. Like a bright white light spreading out over me, until it became so much I couldn’t stand it, and I opened my eyes.

  When I woke up, my breath was ragged, but the feeling from the dream hadn’t dissipated. I sat up, and I nearly screamed. Someone stood at the end of my bed, but when I saw who it was, I couldn’t even speak.

  “I didn’t mean to wake you,” Jack said quietly.

  - 28 –

  I couldn’t breathe. Jack was pensive, his lips pressed tightly together.

  The more alert I became, the more his emotions washed over me, and they were nothing pleasant either. Mostly, he felt nervous and hurt, and I didn’t blame him. After apologizing for waking me, Jack just stood there, arms crossed over his chest and stared at me. I sat up farther in bed and tried to think of something to say, but my mouth refused to work.

  “I have to admit, I was a little surprised I didn’t find you in Peter’s room,” Jack said finally.

  His words were cutting, and all the more so because they were from him. He never said things to hurt people, but he wanted to hurt me now.

  “I was never with him.” My mouth worked numbly, and my heart hammered in my chest. “What happened was a stupid mistake. It didn’t mean anything.”

  “What exactly did happen?” Jack’s normally soft blue eyes were like ice, and they pierced straight through me.“I don’t know.” All the rehearsed speeches I had explaining the kiss completely vanished. I had nothing except a blank expression.

  “You don’t know what happened?” He gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. “How do you not know what happened when you kissed Peter? Kissing really isn’t that hard! I’m sure it started with you putting your lips on his-”

  “No, I know what happened!” I held up my hand. Rubbing my forehead, I exhaled shakily. “I just don’t really know why it happened.”

  “Well, maybe if you start telling me what exactly happened, I can help with the why,” he suggested coldly.

  “We kissed!” I shouted, feeling exasperated already. I just wanted to get to the part where I sobbed and apologized, and eventually, he forgave me.

  “Who kissed whom?”

  “I-I don’t know,” I stammered and looked down. I pulled my knees up my chest, and I wanted to bury my face in my hands.

  “Really? You have no idea? Just one minute you’re standing there and then next you’re making out with him? That seems pretty spontaneous.”

  “Nobody was making out.” I couldn’t even look at him. This was much harder than I thought it would be.

  “So… who kissed whom?” Jack repeated, and when I still didn’t answer, he got louder. “Alice?”

  “I think… I-I might’ve,” I mumbled and swallowed hard.

  I could’ve lied but I knew he’d see it on me, and that would just make things worse. I rested my hand on my forehead and leaned on my knees. He had to take a few moments to process what I’d told him, and his hurt was even rawer now.

  “Are you in lov
e with him?” His voice was so low I could barely hear it.

  “God, no!” I shouted fiercely and looked at him. “No! I love you, Jack! And that’s all!” A wayward tear slid down my cheek. I wanted to crawl over to him and kiss him, but I knew he’d push me away.

  “So why would you kiss him? After everything we’ve been through!” He was almost pleading with me now, and it made me cry.

  “I don’t know! Honestly, Jack! I wish I did!” I wiped at my cheeks. “I was really thirsty, and I was trying to hold off on eating so I could get more self-control. And I just went into his room to talk, to distract myself, and … I don’t know. We were talking, and I just… I just kissed him. It was only for a second, and then I stopped it and I said that I couldn’t do it.

  “And I am so sorry, Jack! I am so sorry! If I could take it back I would! I never wanted to do anything to hurt you!”

  “I’ve just been thinking about it over and over in my head.” He rubbed his temples and looked at the ground. His eyes were moist, but he wasn’t crying. “I kept thinking, if you kissed him, could I forgive you? And if you slept with him, could I forgive you?”

  “I never slept with him!” I insisted and sat up on my knees.

  “No, I’m just telling you what I was thinking.” He shook his head. “And you know what I realized? I’d forgive you of anything!” What he was saying sounded good, but he didn’t feel good. He was completely agonized, and I had done this to him.

  “I’m not giving you permission, but you could do anything, and I would just forgive you. I couldn’t not.” Jack stared off at nothing, thinking. “I don’t know if you know what that’s like. Even if what you do kills me, I would…” With bated breath, I watched him.

  “You could kill me, Alice,” he looked at me seriously. “That’s how much you mean to me. As foolish and masochistic as that makes me, you are so much to me that even if it destroys me to be with you, I’ll be with you!