by Kate James
He got to the coffee shop early and nursed a cup of coffee until Shannon walked in.
She was wearing jeans and a white shirt, her short hair a sleek golden halo around her face. The impact of seeing her hadn’t dulled. The sorrow he’d been feeling since he’d made his decision became nearly unbearable.
He’d never been so conflicted in his life.
He wanted Shannon. He cared about her.
But he couldn’t be with her.
When she noticed him, she smiled but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. She was smart and she was intuitive. What he had to say to her probably wouldn’t be a great surprise.
She didn’t bother to get a coffee, and her smile faded as she walked toward him.
He started to rise, but she didn’t give him the chance. She slid into the seat opposite him. “How’s Dylan?” she asked.
That was so like her, Sawyer thought. Caring and compassionate, and asking about Dylan first. Dylan was crazy about her, too. And that gave him pause. How would Dylan take it, not being able to see Shannon anymore? Another woman he was growing attached to, torn away from him.
Sawyer swallowed the groan that wanted to escape. “He’s fine.” He picked up his coffee cup, sipped and coughed. The coffee had gone completely cold.
Shannon gazed at him with those steady, bright blue eyes.
He rubbed his temples. When he looked at her again, he could see the ravages of his own grief and indecision reflected on her face.
“I can’t do this,” he said, his voice scratchy.
“Do what?” Her voice was tense.
“Us. I can’t do us. It’s not you.” He reached for her hand, but she was quicker and pulled it back. “You’re a remarkable, beautiful and intelligent woman.” He gestured vaguely with one hand. “And you’re terrific with Dylan. You’re more than I could have hoped for.”
She angled her head, her face now an expressionless mask. “I feel a but coming.”
“My...” He couldn’t bring himself to refer to Jeannette as anything other than his wife, especially, if by some miracle, she was alive. He’d been raised to believe that marriage was everlasting. “My wife,” he said feebly. Searching for words, he opened and closed his mouth several times, but he couldn’t explain himself.
Shannon briefly put her hand on top of his. “You don’t have to say anything more.” Her eyes brimmed with tears, but her voice was steady and resigned. “You know how to get hold of me, if you want.” She got up and, with her head held high and her back straight, walked away.
Sawyer watched her go and felt that something vital had been torn out of him. He wanted to rush after her and beg her to forget everything he’d just said. He rose partway out of his seat.
But an image of Jeannette cradling baby Dylan in her arms shimmered in front of him and he sat back down.
With his heart aching, he watched Shannon walk out of the coffee shop.
And more than likely out of his life.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
SHANNON CONCENTRATED ON putting one foot in front of the other as she left the coffee shop. Everyone who knew about her relationship with Sawyer had cautioned her that it was unwise to get involved with him.
She hadn’t listened—even to herself. She’d let her heart lead.
Now she’d have to deal with the fallout.
She didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. She stopped by her parents’ place, but couldn’t stay there, either. It took too much energy to keep dodging her mother’s probing questions.
The next day, Shannon did her best to concentrate on work, but there was an insistent ache in her chest that overrode everything else.
Shannon no longer wanted to know about the investigation into Dylan’s abduction and tried not to think about what was going on.
It wasn’t her business. Sawyer had made that abundantly clear.
She ignored the probing looks from Rick, Cal and Logan, and kept her head down at her desk.
When she got home, she made herself a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner, then took Darwin for a run. If she couldn’t shut her brain down, maybe she could exhaust her body sufficiently to be able to sleep.
In theory, it made sense.
In practice, it didn’t work.
She spent a mostly sleepless night tossing and turning. At six the next morning, despite a steadily falling rain, she took Darwin for another long run. By the time they turned onto her street again, the rain had thinned. Persistent rays of sunshine fought their way through the lingering clouds, transforming the drops of water clinging to blades of grass and flower petals into sparkling crystals. She wanted to see the beauty in it, but she just didn’t have it in her.
It was Saturday, and the two days she had off stretched endlessly ahead of her. She’d promised to attend the surprise bridal shower Jessica was throwing for Ariana on Sunday afternoon, but that was the last thing she wanted to do.
She wasn’t in the mood for socializing, nor did she relish seeing the people who’d cautioned her about getting involved with Sawyer. Sure, none of them would say “I told you so,” but they had every right to. Knowing that made her feel self-conscious.
She picked up the phone several times to make an excuse and get out of going. Every time, she put the phone back down for the same two reasons. First, Ariana was her friend. She wanted to be there for her, and she didn’t want to let Jessica, also a friend, down. Second, if she had to pick the lesser of two evils—being alone with her thoughts or forcing herself to be social—visiting with people won hands down over sitting alone at home.
In the end, Shannon went to the shower. Seeing the genuine smile on Jessica’s face when she opened the door made Shannon grateful that she had.
“It’s great to see you.” Jess embraced Shannon warmly. “Let me help you with that,” she said reaching for one of the large gift bags Shannon had brought with her.
Shannon’s spontaneous burst of laughter obviously startled her. She pulled the bags out of Jessica’s reach. “Absolutely not! You’re pregnant and you’re not lifting anything heavy.” She took a minute to greet Scout, Cal’s search-and-rescue dog, before following Jessica down the hall. She glanced around the crowded living room as they entered. “Is Ariana here yet?”
“No.” Jessica checked her watch and chuckled. “We’ll soon find out if we pulled off the surprise. Logan should be bringing her here in the next ten minutes or so, on the pretense of me needing help rearranging some things in the baby’s room.”
Shannon put the gifts she’d brought on the table with the rest of the presents. She didn’t know too many people in the room, so she played it safe and sat next to Madison.
When Ariana arrived a few minutes later, there was no question that Jessica had succeeded in surprising her.
Ariana’s eyes were as big as saucers and she clasped her hands over her mouth. Shannon smiled at the cool, collected and totally professional Ariana babbling with excitement and disbelief. She was hugged a second time that day when Ariana circled the room. “Shannon, I’m so happy you’re here,” she said, and her words rang with sincerity.
Shannon’s spirits lifted as the afternoon progressed. If Sawyer wasn’t interested in her, she’d move on with her life. Yes, she could feel sorry for him, sympathize with what he was going through, but that was where it would end.
She had family and she had friends. Three of her friends happened to be in the room with her right now. She’d focus on family and friends, and she’d be okay.
“Did you and Sawyer have a fight?” Madison asked Shannon.
She looked up. “What?”
“You had an argument. I can see it in your eyes.”
“No, we didn’t.” It occurred to Shannon that the situation might have been easier to accept if they di
d have a fight, rather than their civilized parting of the ways.
Madison scrutinized her face. “But there’s something wrong.”
She made a slight snorting sound. “You could say that.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“What?” she said a second time, and felt foolish.
“You love him,” Madison stated rather than asked.
Shannon’s immediate reaction was to laugh it off. Pretend it wasn’t true. But she couldn’t lie to Madison any more than she could lie to herself.
“That obvious, is it?”
Madison patted her hand. “Only to someone who’s still riding the wave of that exhilarating new love.”
Shannon laughed. “New love? You and Rick have been together now, for what? A year and a half? You’ve been married for three months and—talk about working fast—you have a baby on the way.”
Madison nodded with a grin. “Like I said, exhilarating and new, when we have our whole lives to look forward to.” Her expression turned serious. “From what Rick’s told me, Sawyer’s a great guy, but I worry about a relationship between the two of you right now.” Madison settled a hand on her still-flat stomach. “I don’t know how Sawyer could think or feel anything other than what’s happening with his son. I can see you’re hurting. It’s written all over your face.” She moved her hand to place it on Shannon’s. “Usually, I’d be the first to tell you to dive in. My personal motto is if you don’t risk, you won’t love. In this case, I have to say please be careful with your heart.”
Sawyer wasn’t the first man Shannon had been interested in, although the number of men she’d dated seriously was in the single digits. But she’d never felt about any of the others the way she did about Sawyer. She took a furtive glance around. Everyone’s attention seemed to be elsewhere, and she and Madison were alone at their end of the room. “Relationships have never been easy for me,” Shannon confessed. “The men I’ve dated have always had a tough time with my profession.”
“Logan had job issues with his relationships, too,” Madison murmured.
“Sorry?”
“Oh, that’s a story for another day. You were saying about the men you’ve dated...”
“Well, for one reason or another, my job just didn’t sit well with them. Then there’s Sawyer. He’s strong and confident. He values what I do, and he has a greater appreciation of it because of his time in the DA’s office. Still, your advice is sound,” she said with a sigh. “I’ve worked really hard to get where I am. To be good enough. To be better than the rest. You’d know from Rick how much competition there is to get into the K-9 Unit. With Sawyer, I thought maybe—”
Shannon held up a hand when Madison was about to say something. “I know the timing is all wrong. I can imagine how muddled his emotions must be if mine aren’t straightforward.”
One of Ariana’s friends came around with a tray of mimosas. Madison declined because of her pregnancy, but Shannon accepted a glass.
“Go on,” Madison said with an encouraging look when the woman was gone.
Shannon shrugged self-consciously. “I can’t even be one hundred percent certain of my own feelings. Is this about Sawyer and, of course, Dylan, but I’ve begun to wonder again if my feelings are somehow tangled up with Charlie, my little brother? But that’s a moot point, since it’s not up to me. Sawyer’s made it clear that he doesn’t want... No, that he can’t have a relationship at present.”
“Only you can answer the question about your own feelings. As for Sawyer, he’s bound to experience a lot of mood swings. There’s no harm in taking it slow,” Madison advised. “Your hearts will know if and when it’s right.”
* * *
SAWYER SAT HUNCHED on a glider in the backyard of his parents’ home. Dylan perched on a swing while Meghan pushed him. It hadn’t been easy telling his family about the latest development.
“Sawyer,” his mother said and sat down next to him. “There has to be something your father and I can do to help.”
“Mom, I wish there was.”
“Son, you have to snap out of this,” Sawyer’s father interjected as he came to stand on the deck beside them. “If not for you, then for Dylan. Look at him, Sawyer.”
Sawyer recognized that his father was trying “tough love” on him, since all else had failed. His son looked as morose as he felt. Boy, did his father hit a bull’s-eye. “I know, Dad. I know.”
A moment later, Dylan hopped off the swing, and he and Meg joined them on the deck.
He saw the look that passed between his mother and sister, and knew it didn’t bode well for him. His mother put on a bright smile. “How about we go inside, Dylan, and have some ice cream?”
“Okay,” Dylan said without any obvious enthusiasm.
“Come on, Frank. You can have ice cream, too.”
His father still had enough humor in him to roll his eyes at Sawyer. “Enjoy your chat.” He patted his expanding belly. “I know your mother wants me out of the way, but I’m not going to be getting much ice cream.” He briefly rested a hand on Sawyer’s shoulder.
When Dylan and their parents were gone, Meg took their mother’s spot on the glider. They watched a hummingbird flit around a potted bougainvillea. When it darted away, Meg turned to him.
“Have you thought about a therapist?”
“Dylan still sees Dr. Gleason for an hour every week.”
Meg’s eyes were sad. “I didn’t mean for Dylan. I meant for you.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Actually, I am.” She tucked a leg under her and shifted to face him. “You need to do something, Sawyer. You can’t keep going on like this.”
“I’ll get through it.”
“I know it’s hard on you,” she persisted. “Not knowing if Jeannette’s alive. And if she is, well...the whole slew of other questions that would raise. But you have to be realistic. Whatever the answers are, going back to what you and Jeannette had is not a possibility.”
Sawyer lowered his head and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Sawyer, what you and Jeannette had was special. I thought the world of her, too. She was one of my closest friends. But you can’t delude yourself that you can have it back. No matter what, it won’t happen. You cannot go back.”
Meg was right; he couldn’t deny it. He’d concluded the same thing. Intellectually. But emotionally, he couldn’t get beyond his fear and confusion.
“What happened to the police officer you were seeing?”
He raised his head and glared at his sister. “How did you even know I was seeing her?”
She glanced at the French doors that led to the kitchen. “Dylan told me. He won’t stop talking about her and her dog—and the dog you’re getting him.” She gave him a quick smile. “He really seems to have developed an attachment to her. Shutting her out of his life could cause more trauma.”
“Don’t do this, Meg,” Sawyer warned. “Don’t make me feel guiltier about ending a relationship I shouldn’t have started in the first place. Don’t bring Dylan into it.”
“I’m not bringing Dylan into it. He’s already in it.” She laid a hand on his arm. “Don’t throw away what might be a good thing for you and for Dylan,” she said more emphatically.
Sawyer had let Meghan say her piece, knowing she had his best interests at heart, but now he had to draw the line. “It’s over,” he said curtly.
“Why?”
He frowned at Meg. “Because I ended it.”
“Please tell me it’s not because of Jeannette.”
He felt the anger build again...and the longing for Shannon. “I can’t let go of Jeannette if there’s a chance they’ll find her,” he said in a defeated voice.
“Is that really smart, Sawyer?” she asked, and had him wondering again about the wis
dom of what he was doing.
If Jeannette was alive, there was a good chance she’d taken Dylan.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
LATE MONDAY AFTERNOON at the office, Rick brought a large bouquet of flowers over to Shannon.
“I saw this at the front desk for you. Must be getting serious with Evans,” he said with an easy smile.
Shannon eyed the flowers warily. Rick obviously wasn’t aware of her conversation with Madison. That was a true test of a friend. Madison had listened to her, supported her, but respected the confidence, not even sharing it with her husband. It reminded her how important friends were, and that she was fortunate to have some very special ones.
Murmuring an indistinct thanks, she accepted the flowers and took them to the kitchen. Fortunately the room was empty, so she had some privacy. She removed the cellophane and tissue paper to find a beautiful mass of vivid-colored tropical flowers, but they did nothing to brighten her spirits. She pulled the card that accompanied the flowers from its envelope.
I’m sorry.
Will you forgive me?
Can we be friends?
Sawyer and Dylan
P.S. Dylan would like a dog and we need your help.
“Seriously?” The word slipped out before Shannon could stop it. She quickly glanced around to make sure she was still alone.
Sawyer wanted to be friends? Those kisses they’d exchanged implied more than friendship. But signing the card from him and Dylan sent a very clear message. Friendship and family.
Nothing more.
She was tempted to leave the flowers on the table in the kitchen knowing that looking at them would only aggravate the pain. She went as far as positioning the vase in the middle of the table.
But she couldn’t do it.
She scooped up the vase and took it to her desk, where she placed it on the far-right corner. Then she angled her computer, her chair and herself in the opposite direction.
She scrolled through a report on her screen, trying to find where she’d left off, but her gaze continued to be drawn to the flowers. Memories of her times with Sawyer flashed through her mind. A walk on a pier under a sickle-shaped slice of moon. The two of them watching Dylan wrestle with Darwin. His lips brushing over hers with the scent of gardenia and frangipani surrounding them.