"I wish I could do better," he confessed. "I wish I could save you, but I can't."
"You've saved me countless times," I said. "You saved me on the ship just last night."
"But I've failed you, too," he said urgently. "I've watched you fal so many times and been unable to do anything to save you. I don't know how many more times I can watch you die, El ie." His gaze fel away. "Forgive me. I shouldn't be saying this to you."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I'm sorry I make you believe that you can't tel me how you feel. That's not how I want it to be between us. Please, just be honest with me?"
He leaned forward, touching his cheek to mine, making me completely forget whatever I had just said. I closed my eyes and leaned into him as his skin brushed mine and his hand touched my waist. His other hand cupped my cheek and his thumb stroked my lips. His wings lifted high over the both of us, shielding us from the cold air.
"When Ragnuk kil ed you, I looked for you everywhere," he said into my cheek. "But you didn't come back. For decades I looked for you, terrified the angels were punishing me for letting you die alone. I thought that you'd never come back to me--that I'd lost you forever."
The backs of his fingers traced down my arm delicately, as if I were made of glass. His lips softly pressed just below my ear, warming my neck. "And when you came back, when I saw you for the first time in so very long . . . I'd never been so happy in my life."
"I'l always come back to you," I promised as a warm flood rushed through me.
"I love you, El ie," he breathed, his words lighting my skin on fire, and something inside me disintegrated, leaving a rushing feeling behind. "God, I've always loved you."
I turned my face into his, desperate to meet his eyes, and when I did, centuries' worth of memories of his face flashed across my mind, and of everything he had sacrificed for me, of al his blood that had been shed, of al the torment he had endured for me. His expression was so stoic, so hardened, but his eyes told me everything. They always gave him away.
"Wil ," I said, unable to form any other words on my lips but his name.
His smile was smal and delicate, and his shoulders eased as if a weight had been lifted from them. He leaned further into me, his strong embrace engulfing me. My heartbeat quickened and thrummed stronger. "Al this time,"
he breathed. "I've always loved you and never said a thing."
He kissed me hard and folded his arm around the smal of my back, pul ing me into him. I wrapped my own arms around his shoulders and felt his other hand on my waist. I drew a nail down his biceps and the muscle trembled reflexively beneath my touch. He broke away and his lips grazed my jaw. I shivered and pul ed him closer to me.
"Don't forget that I'l always love you," he whispered against my lips, rubbing the tip of his nose to mine. "Don't forget."
I nodded and reached again for his lips, needing them more than I needed air to breathe. He kissed me again, deeper this time, luxuriously slow. His hands moved up from my back and slid through my hair to cradle my head. He ended the kiss, folded his wings back, and he rested his forehead against mine. Emotion flooded through me and I said nothing, final y understanding what he had just said to me. I knew in that instant that he was saying good-bye to his love for me. He pul ed away, and his fingertips trailed along my arm, as if to make the moment last just a little longer. As he stepped away from me, his eyes were stil that striking emerald, and I prayed the color would never fade. It took everything I had not to run to him and hold him close to me, to feel any part of him, to stare at him in wonder. I didn't know what to do--didn't know if I should have said something back.
"But my love for you is wrong," he whispered. "I can't have you. Not this way."
Something invisible stabbed me in the gut. "Are you real y doing this?"
"You're a holy being. I can't touch you. I can be with you every day as your Guardian because it's my duty, but I can't touch you the way I ache to. This isn't what Michael intended when he asked me to protect you. It's dangerous for us both if we get too close."
I shook my head and fought back tears, unable to say anything.
"Other Guardians have died fulfil ing their duty to you long before I came along," he said, touching my cheek, my hair. "I wil die for you one day."
"Don't say that," I begged. "Wil , I'm in love with you. You're the only one who understands what I go through every day, the only one I can share this world with. You're my best friend, and I can't take it if you're going to shut me out like this."
He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight. His hands bal ed into fists and his wings gave a shudder. I felt like I was dying inside.
"You can't love me," he said, his voice pained. "And I can't love you either. You're not mine to love."
"I am yours--"
"El ie--"
"No!" I shouted, tears stinging my eyes. "You can't get this close to me and then push me away."
"I have to." His wings unfolded, moonlight gleaming off their feathers, and he jumped in the air. As I stared up at him, he flew away and disappeared into the woods behind my house, letting me know how different we truly were with that last image of him.
Anger rushed through me. I wanted to fol ow him and smack him harder than I'd ever hit anything before in my life. But I was too tired and too emotional to do anything. And I didn't want to fal off my roof. I stared straight after him and let out a long breath, so my next word had no trace of rage.
"Coward."
UNCORRECTED E-PROOF--NOT FOR SALE
HarperCollins Children's Books
..................................................................... 35
ON TUESDAY MY MOM CALLED ME INTO HER OFFICE as soon as I walked in the door after school. I prepared for a lecture over a progress report one of my teachers might have sent home, but something in her face when I entered told me she was way more pissed than she should have been over a bad grade.
"Come sit down, El ie," she said cool y. Her calm voice was too wrong coming from such an angry face. It petrified me.
I sat down in the chair across from her desk. I was pretty sure I was about to die. "What's up, Mom?"
"You'l never guess who I ran into while I was grocery shopping today."
Names spun through my head, but I tried to make it look like I wasn't thinking too hard. My body locked up with fear.
"Kate's mom," she said. "How could you do it, El ie? How could you lie like that?"
"I . . ." I didn't know what to say. To save the world? To save my soul? I had to do what I had to do, but I could never explain it to her. She could never understand.
She folded her arms over her chest. "That was one hel of an extravagant lie. And getting poor Kate to lie for you? Not to mention you made a fool out of me when I thanked her mom for taking you up north with them. It was very embarrassing when she had no idea what I was talking about."
It was almost impossible to get my lips moving enough to form words. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I don't think that cuts it, El ie," she said with a dark edge to her voice. "Where'd you actual y go? Were you with a boy? Landon?"
I closed my eyes tiredly. "No. I was with Wil ."
She didn't respond at first. "That boy in col ege? Your tutor?"
I felt so heavy in my seat, so heavy I just wanted to lie down. "Yes."
My mom stood and leaned over the desk. "You're seventeen! What were you thinking? I don't even know how to react to this. I honestly don't know what to say to you."
"I'm so sorry," I said, even though I knew she didn't want to hear it. "There's just a lot going on in my life right now and I don't real y know how to deal with it al . I've made a lot of mistakes."
"Come to me," she said. "It's my job to help you when you need it. Most of the things you're going through right now I've survived. School, boys, friends, mean girls. You tel me that you're fine and that I should trust you, but how can I when you've lied to me like this, Elisabeth? I can't be your mother if you won't let me into your life."
I stayed silent, knowing that anything I could say wouldn't justify how much I'd hurt my mom. She might never have had to deal with fighting soul-eating monsters, but I was facing al those other things too in one way or another.
She col apsed back into her chair and pressed a hand to her forehead. "Are you two intimate? Did you sleep with him?"
"No, Mom," I said. "No, we didn't, I swear. But would it be so terrible if we had?"
When her eyes met mine, the moment was intense and I refused to look away first. "I know you're at the age where you're going to start experimenting and there's nothing I can say or do to prevent it. Just, please, for the love of God, when you do, be safe."
"I wil ."
"You're grounded," she said exhaustedly. "I don't want you going anywhere with Wil . I can't prevent you from seeing him, because I think it's wrong to try to control you and prevent you from finding your own way through life. But you have to understand that he is, technical y, an adult, El ie. If you're going to be seeing him, it'l be under my roof and under my supervision."
I wanted to protest, but I knew how lenient her restrictions were. She could have banned me from seeing him altogether and she had every right to. I wasn't a bad kid. I wasn't wild. I wasn't into drugs; nor was I promiscuous. I just had a terrible responsibility and I didn't know how to balance that with a normal life. I didn't know if that was even possible. My mom dropped her hand and looked at me final y. "I'm not going to tel your father that you lied, because, frankly, I'm quite sure he'd kil you. You need to be punished, not murdered, so we'l handle this, you and I. No parties, no Movie Night, no car, no phone, no hanging out with your friends for a month. At least. I'm taking your keys, and I'l be driving you anywhere you absolutely have to go. As soon as school is out, you're to be inside this house until you leave for class the next morning. God, I don't know what's with you lately. The drinking, the lying, the poor grades . . . How do you expect to get into Michigan State with grades like that? And I want to talk to Wil . I want to get to know him if he's your first serious boyfriend. You have to clue me in on your life, El ie. Help me out here."
I nodded slowly, clutching the winged pendant around my neck for courage. I wished I could tel her everything, and I wanted to cry because I couldn't. Bastian's words burned through my heart. Was I real y gambling with my family and friends' lives by keeping them so close to me? Were they targets? Did I put them in danger? Could I give them up if I had to? I'd completely forgotten that my mom and I could real y talk. Considering how close I'd come to losing my life so many times in the last few months, I wanted to feel close to her again. I didn't want anything to happen to her because of me. "I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, baby," she said. "I real y do. I want you to be okay. The rest of your choices are up to you. I hope to God you make the right ones."
"This probably won't make you feel any better," I began,
"but--I'm in love with him. I am." It felt right saying it, knowing that I'd felt this way for centuries but had been too much of a damn fool to see it.
She stared at me for what seemed like hours. "Does he love you back?"
"Yes," I said without hesitation, and held my mom's gaze confidently. "I don't expect you to understand how far he's gone to demonstrate it, but I promise you there's no limit to what he'd do for me--he's shown that again and again. I know I've made some terrible mistakes and hidden things from you, but this is something you have to real y trust me on. It's the only thing I'm sure about in the mess my life has turned into."
Her gaze fel to my winged necklace between my fingers.
"Is he the one who gave you that?"
"Yes."
She stared at the pendent for too long before she spoke.
"If you say you're in love with him, then I believe you. Please understand, however, that at your age very few loves ever last. You don't know if he'l just decide to leave you one day. Keep that in mind, okay?"
I maintained an iron resolve, because I knew in my bones Wil wasn't that type of guy. If he had stuck by my side for five hundred years, risked his life and his soul for me, then it would take a lot for him to just walk away. He was my Guardian, my guardian angel.
When the first snow fel a few nights later just before midnight, I sat on the roof of an office building with Wil by my side. I conceded that I'd lose fun nights with my friends as part of my punishment, but hunting was something I couldn't give up. I pul ed the neck of my sweater higher to my chin when the chil of winter bit at my skin. Not even the Grim could keep the freezing temperature away.
"I hate snow," I grumbled. "It's so pretty, but why does it have to be cold?"
Wil laughed softly. "It's a necessary evil."
I frowned. "So where is our un necessary evil?" I asked, referring to the reaper we had been fol owing.
His eyes scanned the dimly lit and nearly empty parking lot below us. Grayish orange street lamps dotted the lot in a grid, but they revealed no monster.
"This is where he kil ed last night. He should be here again."
Reapers were truly creatures of habit. Wil was no exception, although his habits were: fight reapers, drive me crazy, sit on my roof, eat when I'm not looking, fight reapers, drive me crazy . . .
A man dressed in a black pea coat exited the building, jangling his keys as he walked to his vehicle. He whistled a tune, happy to be heading home after working so late. As if on cue, a dark shape the size of a minivan lumbered out of the darkness. The man was completely oblivious to the reaper's hidden presence.
Wil and I hopped off the building, landing two stories below with little more than the bend of our knees. I eased toward the man and stood between him and the gigantic ursid reaper. The monster's black eyes found me, and he licked his lips. When he noticed that I was staring right at him, he tilted his head curiously as if he didn't know me. That was a shocker.
The businessman noticed me. He dropped his keys in a fright. "What the--?"
"Just drive home," I said cool y. I tightened my grip on my swords.
The man's gaze fel to my blades and his mouth opened dumbly at the same time.
I glared at him. "Get. In. Your. Car."
He scrambled, ducking for his keys and darting to the driver's-side door, muttering something under his breath that sounded a lot like "Crazy . . ."
As he drove away, the reaper growled. He stepped toward me, his talons scraping the delicate layer of snow on the pavement. Flakes stuck on his muzzle and caught the tips of the thick, inky black hair on his back. The reaper backed away from me in a circle, creeping toward the darkness he thought would conceal his body. Since I had scared off his intended victim, he must have decided I'd make a tasty replacement. Idiot.
He launched himself at me, springing a dozen feet in the air, claws outstretched. I blurred by him, igniting my swords with angelfire, as he landed on the cold pavement. I twisted and plunged a sword into his ribcage. The flames died as I released the helve and jumped back. He roared, rocking my brain, and staggered on his feet until he col apsed, wheezing painful y. He looked shocked that I had seen him coming. He curled his back and used his mouth to yank my blade out from his side. He spat it out and growled. He vanished for a heartbeat, and I stepped back on my heel, waiting for him to reappear. His face flashed in front of mine, and I shoved my hand onto his muzzle, grabbing his nose as his jaws gnashed at my head. I forced him back as he thrashed his head, and I lifted my remaining sword and thrust upward. The ursid twisted to one side and my sword plunged into his shoulder instead of his neck. He wrenched his muzzle out of my grip and roared furiously into my face. I yanked my sword back and kicked him in the chest, sending him flying. He hit the pavement and slid in the fine layer of snow until he came to a stop and climbed to his feet. He gave his shaggy coat a shake, sending snowflakes fal ing to the ground.
I summoned my power, and it swal owed me in white light. The ground thrummed beneath my feet and my power rol ed through the air, melting the snowflakes before they
hit the pavement. The streetlamp behind me let out a low, metal ic groan, creaked, and bent to one side, shaking free a dusting of glittering white flakes. My skin felt as if it were stretching as more energy leaked from me in control ed waves.
The reaper hissed and turned his face away from the bright light, baring his massive canines. He lifted his dark gaze to mine. "You're no vir. How do you have such power?
Who are you?"
I stepped up to him, my power swirling around me, and I straightened my other sword, poising the flaming blade at his skul . I stared intensely at him, my gaze colder than the winter air. "I'm the Preliator."
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