“Good. You can come on back home and teach or something.”
I looked at her like she had lost her mind. I know she couldn’t possibly think I was going back to Sweet Poke with my tail tucked between my legs.
“Mama Tee, I can’t go back.”
“Why not?”
“This is my home now.”
“This ain’t your home. This ain’t never been your home. Sweet Poke is your home,” she responded matter-of-factly as she took my empty coffee cup, refilled it, then placed it back in front of me.
I had never entertained the idea of returning home. My pride wouldn’t let me go back home. Your pride went out the window when you tried to run down your husband, I heard a little voice in my head say.
“Mama Tee…I can’t do—”
“Hush up, now.”
“Mama Tee, I’m pregnant. They told me my baby wouldn’t make it.”
Mama Tee didn’t miss a beat as she walked over and began taking dishes out of the dishwasher. “That’s just God’s will, baby. But we Rollins women are fertile. Just look at your sister. You’ll have another baby.”
“The doctor said I have to have something called a D and C, or just wait for the baby to miscarry. I don’t know what to do.”
Mama Tee stopped removing the dishes and shook her finger at me. “Don’t let them doctors get to fooling around with your insides. You know they want us all to be barren anyway. They be done took your uterus out. You just wait. When that baby’s ready to come out, she’ll come out on her own and we’ll have a proper home-going celebration.”
“Why do you think it was a girl?”
Mama Tee closed the dishwasher and smiled. “Don’t rightly know. Just a gut feeling, I guess.”
I lowered my eyes. “I would have loved to have a little girl.”
Mama Tee nodded knowingly as she walked over, sat down across from me again, and took my hands in hers. “You know what you need?”
I shook my head.
“You need us. Family. You been running from us because of your mama. The root of all your problems stems from your mama. But it’s time to let that go.”
Once again, Mama Tee just didn’t get it. Yes, I wanted my life with Myles, and maybe a little of it was to prove I was worthy of having a man like him love me. But the bottom line remained—I was bigger than Sweet Poke. I wiped my nose as I prepared to try to rationalize with Mama Tee.
“So that settles it. You coming back with us,” she said.
“Go back to Sweet Poke? I can’t do that. What will everyone say?”
Mama Tee exhaled in frustration. “Now, you know we couldn’t care less what people say about us. Besides, what are your options? Stay here and wallow in sorrow by yourself?”
I didn’t know what my options were. But I knew returning to Sweet Poke was not on the list.
“Plus, baby girl,” Mama Tee continued, “I just don’t think you’re strong enough to do this by yourself. Nobody would be. Come home and let Mama Tee make you strong.”
I was just about to protest some more when Shondella spoke up. “Raedella, Mama Tee is right. Ain’t nothing here for you no more. You need to come home, where you can be around”—she hesitated as if it were hard for her to get it out—“where you can be around people who love you. Around family.”
I was absolutely speechless. Truer words had never been spoken—there was nothing here for me now. But to hear those words come from my sister spoke volumes. I don’t think I could ever recall a time she had ever said anything remotely close to that in her life. This time, there was no holding back the tears that starting pouring down. Shondella walked over to me and eased me into her arms. She hugged me tightly as she said, “Sugar Smack, it’s time to stop running and just come home.”
I decided right then and there that was the only choice I had.
“But she ain’t gon’ nowhere ’till she take a bath,” Mama Tee interjected. “Good Lawd, don’t make no sense for nobody to smell like that.” She shook her head and walked out of the kitchen. For the first time since I could remember, my sister and I roared with laughter—together.
Chapter 33
I felt myself getting tense. I was back. Back in the place I’d said I’d never set foot in again.
We were pulling up to the house Mama Tee’s had for over fifty years. I looked at the sagging roof, the front porch that looked like it was about to cave in, and the blue paint chipping off the sides of the house. The screen on the front door was peeled back in one corner. The house was literally falling apart. Why hadn’t Mama Tee asked me for money to get this repaired? Why didn’t I just send it? It was bad when I’d left; why didn’t I know it would only get worse and do something about it?
I glanced over at Shondella’s double-wide trailer, which sat in the back of Mama Tee’s acre-and-a-half lot. She’d put that trailer there right after she had had Mercedes and thought she and Ezekiel were going to get married. It, too, was falling apart. I thought of all the money I had given Shondella. It was obvious none of it had gone toward the upkeep of her trailer.
I tried to shake off the guilt that was eating away at my conscience. It had been a quiet ride back to Arkansas. Even Shondella was unusually quiet.
“Shondella, grab your sister’s luggage,” Mama Tee said as she popped the trunk, then stepped out of the car.
I half-expected Shondella to complain and was shocked when she didn’t. She grabbed my two large suitcases and began lugging them toward the house.
I slowly stepped out of the car. As I made my way up the walk to the house, I cringed at the sight of the old toilet sitting on the front porch. A leafy plant—it looked like a eucalyptus—was growing wildly from the bowl. A beat-up old sofa sat next to the toilet.
Inside, the stench of mothballs permeated the living room. Plastic slipcovers draped the sofa and love seat. Years’ worth of pictures of children and grandchildren hung along the living room wall. I felt a flutter in my heart as I gently touched a picture of Jasmine. I caught myself imagining what she’d look like if she were still alive.
I continued to survey the room. A huge, frayed burgundy rug covered the rough wooden floor. Everything was pretty much the same as when I’d left, except for the full-size bed sitting in the corner. And the crusty old man lying in it, hooked to an oxygen tank.
“Uncle Frank!” I was surprised at how happy I was to see Mama Tee’s oldest brother. He used to give me quarters and tell funny jokes when I was a little girl.
Uncle Frank struggled to sit up, then narrowed his eyes, focusing in on me. “Who you is, gal?”
Mama Tee moved over to the bed and fluffed Uncle Frank’s pillows. “Frank, you remember my granddaughter Raedella?”
Uncle Frank coughed violently for about two minutes straight. I thought he was going to keel over and die right then and there. Finally, the coughing subsided. “I thought you was dead.” With that he plopped back down in the bed and closed his eyes.
“Don’t listen to that old fool. He ain’t playing with a full deck these days.”
Uncle Frank never opened his eyes. “All my facilities is working just fine. Just don’t know why you bringing strangers in the house, is all.”
“I’m no stranger, Uncle Frank. It’s me, Rae.”
He still didn’t bother to open his eyes. “You might as well be a stranger. Now, leave me be.”
I tried not to let it show, but Uncle Frank’s words pierced my heart. I looked around the room. It had been so long since I’d been here. Uncle Frank was right. I was a stranger. And it had been my own choice.
“If I didn’t know better, I would think that’s my big sister standing in the living room.”
I turned toward the one voice that could still put a huge smile on my face, Justin.
“Hey, you.” I stretched out my arms so he could give me a big hug. I squeezed him tightly in return. “You’ve grown so much,” I said after I pulled back and stared him up and down. His cotton robe hung on his frail frame. His eyes looke
d hollow, and despite his attempt to smile, a sadness seemed ingrained across his face.
“Four years will do that to you.” He smirked.
“Don’t you start, too.”
“I’m just messing with you, girl.” He laughed. I couldn’t help but stare at him. He had truly grown into a handsome young man. Unfortunately, he looked tired, like life had dealt him more than his fair share of blows. “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you,” Justin said as he playfully threw a punch my way. It was a weak attempt that seemed to require a lot of energy. I felt my heart get heavy. Justin must have noticed my mood change because he quickly stood up tall. “Rule number one. No feeling sorry for Justin, okay?”
I forced a smile and nodded.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you,” I said as I reached out to hug him again.
“Can y’all take that damn family reunion outside,” Uncle Frank barked. “I’m trying to sleep.”
“Frank, shut up, it’s five o’clock in the evening,” Mama Tee snapped.
“Well, I told you if you build me my own…” He paused to cough for about three minutes before he continued. “I told you that if you build me my own room and get my bed out the dadgum living room, I wouldn’t have to bother nobody and wouldn’t nobody have to bother me!”
“And I told you I can barely pay for your medicine. I can’t build you your own room, so we just have to make do,” Mama Tee said.
Uncle Frank sighed wistfully. “Well, don’t worry; I ain’t gon’ be here much longer. I feel it. I’m probably gon’ die tonight anyway.”
“Frank, hush. You been telling that lie for the last three years and your ancient tail still hanging on.”
Uncle Frank wiggled his long, bony finger at Mama Tee. “You’ll be sorry when you come in here and find me dead!” he threatened. Uncle Frank pulled his covers over his head.
Justin laughed. “You’d better get used to that. They do it all the time.”
“You hush, too, boy. Now, I thought I told you I didn’t want you out of the bed either,” Mama Tee chastised. “The doctor said he didn’t want you up and about for two weeks.”
“Awwww, come on, Mama Tee. Raedella just got here,” Justin whined.
“And she gon’ be here a while. Now, git.” Mama Tee shooed Justin away.
“I’ll holla at you later, Sis. I have to go back on lockdown ’cause Mama Tee thinks I’ll pass out and die if I walk to the bathroom.” He smiled.
I returned his smile. He managed to have such a good attitude for someone so sick.
“Come on, baby girl,” Mama Tee said. “You can put your stuff in your old room upstairs.”
I stared blankly at Mama Tee. How could she show me so much love after the way I’d treated her all this time? She smiled warmly, then took one of my bags and led me up the stairs, then down the long hall to the back room that I had grown up in. The room was still the way I had left it. My Prince poster still hung on the wall, even though the ends were brown and tattered. My celebrity pictures from Right On! magazine also adorned the wall.
“You lucky your uncle Frank can’t climb those stairs, because I sho’ would have put him in here and got him out of my living room.” Mama Tee walked over and opened the small window. “Here, this will let some fresh air in. You want to lie down while I fix you something to eat? I know that drive got you tired.”
“Mama Tee, I slept most of the way here, so I’m fine.” Shondella had driven the entire six hours without complaining. “I need to call Shereen and let her know I made it and tell her where I left the key to my house. She’ll be handling my bills and everything for me. After that I think I just want to go for a walk, see the old neighborhood.”
“Chile, ain’t nothing changed round here. But you go on.”
I smiled as Mama Tee left the room. I glanced at my bags, contemplated unpacking them, then decided against it. I don’t think I had been on a walk since I’d left Sweet Poke. I was looking forward to strolling down the street, nowhere to go, no one to see. I hadn’t known such calm in years.
I changed into my tennis shoes and slipped out the back door, laughing at Mama Tee’s chicken coop. She still had several hens and a rooster roaming about the pen. I forgot about all the fun we used to have as kids chasing her chickens around that coop. I paused and reflected on that memory—a memory I hadn’t had in years.
I started walking toward town, remembering the many journeys I had taken this way growing up. I rubbed my stomach, hoping against hope that somehow, someway, Dr. Trahan was wrong and my baby would make it. Especially since now it had been two weeks since they’d told me my baby wasn’t “viable.” With everything going on with the case, I’d tried to keep thoughts of losing my baby out of my mind. I had ruled out the D&C, and although I wasn’t a religious person, I was praying God would have mercy on me and spare my child.
I don’t know how long I had been walking, but I found myself in front of the high school. I hadn’t been in too many organizations in school because my only goal had been to get out of Sweet Poke. It was a small school—there were only about a hundred people in my graduating class, so most of us knew each other.
It was just after four, so most of the students were already gone. I glanced over on the football field. The team was gathered there practicing. Reno. My mind raced back to Reno. He was probably out there. Other than in the newspaper articles Shondella had sent me, I hadn’t seen him since I’d left Sweet Poke. I debated whether I should go over and say something, but before I could make up my mind, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. That pain was quickly followed by another. I doubled over and screamed. My heart dropped when I felt the blood creeping down my leg. My baby. I sank to the ground and began sobbing.
“Ma’am, are you all right?” I looked up at a student standing in front of me. The tall, slender girl looked genuinely concerned. When she noticed the blood that had begun seeping through my pants, her eyes bulged. “Oh, no!”
“C…can you call for help for me please?” I managed to say. I grabbed my stomach again as the girl took off running. I couldn’t believe I was about to lose my baby on the sidewalk in Sweet Poke, Arkansas.
I watched her run to the football field and scream something, then point at me. Several people took off running toward me. I prayed that Reno was not one of them. The last thing I wanted was for us to see each other for the first time in years like this.
But of course, why would luck be on my side?
“Oh my God. Rae?” Reno dropped to the ground beside me. “What are you doing here? What’s wrong?” He looked down at the puddle of blood that was growing bigger by the minute. “What’s going on? Just hold on. I sent someone to call for help.”
I wanted to fix my hair, wipe up the blood, anything so that this wouldn’t be Reno’s first impression of what I’d turned into. But the pain ripping through my abdomen wouldn’t let me think of anything, or anyone else. I screamed again after yet another pain kicked in. It felt like someone was ripping my insides out.
“Reno…,” I stammered. I felt weak.
“Shhhhh.” He pulled me to him. “Help is on the way. It’s on the way.”
I felt groggy. My eyes fluttered before opening. I tried to take in my surroundings. I was lying in a hospital bed. Mama Tee and Reno were whispering in the corner. I felt sadness set in when I recalled why I was there. I slowly rubbed my hand over my stomach as a tear ran down my cheek.
“Is my baby gone?” I asked.
Both Mama Tee and Reno turned to me. Mama Tee quickly eased over to me and began stroking my hair. “Yes, sweetie. But you’re goin’ to be just fine.” She took Reno’s hand. “Thanks to Reno here, you got to the hospital before you lost too much blood.”
I looked at Reno. “Thank you,” I softly responded. “I’m sorry we had to meet up like this.”
“Please,” he responded. “You’re as pretty as you were the day you left.”
I tried to force a laugh. “Yeah, right.”
His comm
ent made me rub my hair down. I was sure I looked a mess and contemplated asking for a mirror. But as my thoughts returned to my baby, I didn’t have the energy to request one.
“Do they know if it was a boy or a girl?”
Mama Tee shook her head. “I’m sorry, sugar. It was a girl.”
I turned my head so neither Mama Tee or Reno would see me cry.
Reno stepped closer to me. “Rae, do you mind if I pray with you.”
I sighed, but kept my head turned. “I’m sorry. I just don’t feel prayerful right now.”
“You need to always stay in prayer,” Mama Tee chastised.
I took a deep breath. I wanted to tell Mama Tee I wasn’t strong like her. I couldn’t stand in the face of adversity yet still praise God.
“How do you keep the faith?” I asked no one in particular. “I’m so mad at God right now. How am I supposed to be faithful and prayerful through my anger?”
“God don’t care ’bout you being mad.” Mama Tee was getting worked up. I knew I was treading on thin ice with her because she has never liked for anyone to question God. But at that moment, I didn’t really care.
“What kind of God inflicts so much pain?” I asked.
“A gracious one! You—”
“Ms. Rollins, no disrespect, but may I talk to Rae?” Reno interjected.
Mama Tee huffed. “Fine. You know I try to be understanding, but I just can’t have that gal being blasphemous.”
Reno sat down next to my bed and gently took my hand. “I don’t think she’s being blasphemous, Ms. Rollins,” he said without taking his eyes off me. “I just think Raedella is in pain. But God understands that pain. Just like God is real, so is the devil. And the devil is hard at work on Raedella right now.”
“Amen to that,” Mama Tee replied, nodding feverishly.
“But the devil is a liar,” Reno softly said. “And God will see you through this, Raedella. You might not be able to see that right now, but He has a plan, and as crazy as this may sound, this,” he said, pointing to my stomach, “this is all in His plan.”
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