by Felicia Lynn
“We’re getting our pictures taken, mama.” The littlest one tells me, running up beside me and putting her little hand in mine. The room erupts in groans and moans from the bigger boys because she spilled the beans and ruined the surprise.
Drake is on his feet walking toward me with a grin. He doesn’t look upset that his plans were foiled. He smiles down at Aubri, telling her it’s okay when she begins to get upset, remembering it was a secret. This makes her feel cautiously better, but still watching her brothers for their response on her little slip.
“So…by the way, the photographer is outside getting ready to take family photos,” He says quietly in her ear. We do family photos every year in our backyard under the same tree. I’ve always used the same photographer. The props change, the clothing changes, the kids grow in number and size, but the setting is the same. I’ve been late setting up the photo this year. I usually do it before school starts and this year that didn’t work out.
I can’t believe Drake noticed and took initiative to handle it all with the help of his mother. She sits quietly on the couch watching us all. She’s a proud grandmother and many days I’m positive I wouldn’t survive without her. We lost Drake’s father three years into our marriage, shortly before the twins were born. It was heartbreaking, but having the boys just a few weeks afterwards made the healing easier. She was my hero since my own parent’s live across the country.
Years of photos line our walls starting when it was only Drake and I, a year after marriage. It’s a timeline of our growth together. I can only imagine what they’ll look like when the kids are grown with children of their own. The thought warms my heart.
Kerri-Anne our photographer is ready and we spend so much time taking pictures with all sorts of arrangements. Some with grandma, some without, some with just the kids, some with just boys, some with just girls, the session is going on forever today. Kerri-Anne checks through her camera quickly making sure she got the good shots she needed, and I’m hopeful she’s finished because the children are getting restless.
“I’m all set with photos of the kids and grandma. Just need a few of mom and dad,” She tells us, and the kids cheer as mom tells us she’s going to sort out a snack for the kids inside and pop on a quick show.
Drake and I don’t usually take photos of the two of us alone during the photo sessions, but who am I to argue? Her photos are magical. The stories she paints in the photo, not only with the people but with prop placement and poses, will make anyone cry. She’s usually booked months and months in advance. I wonder how Drake was able to get in so quickly. I’ll have to remember to ask and make sure to send her a ‘Thank You’ note.
I stand and wait for direction while she runs to get another prop. My husband looks as if he’s had enough. I can see he’s anxious.
When Kerri-Anne returns with a board and a white balloon tied with six beautiful ribbons, I cannot imagine what in the world she is planning. She walks over, handing the balloon and board to Drake and then walks away. She’s not arranging us into a pose at all.
Drake turns to look me in the eyes, surprising me with the expression I see in return. “Nine weeks ago we lost our baby. I didn’t feel like you and I could go another day without acknowledging the loss, and memorializing it in some way,” He tells me as he struggles to keep his tears at bay, yet I’m already a blubbering mess. “This balloon is representative of our tiny human that we love instinctively. The ribbons represent all of us, you, me, the kids.” He shows me and I can only nod my head. There are no words to describe this moment.
“I was hoping you and I could do this alone, without the kids around and I had a picture made for us to photograph.” He turns the board around and I read the words.
We carry you in our hearts always, angel baby.
It’s a chalkboard art design. There’s a beautiful feather that appears to be breaking apart and dozens of little doves are flying in place but in the photo, one of the birds is a bit larger and blue. We have no medical proof he was a baby boy but I knew. I knew with all my children. My instincts have never failed me there.
I hold the board in my hand, unable to stop staring at the little blue bird. I love him so, so much. I look up at my husband who’s planned something beautiful. Something really important. Something I should have thought to do weeks ago. He’ll never understand what this means. “I love you.” Those are the only words I can get out.
“Ready Cams? She’ll take a quick photo and then go away and leave us to have a minute.” I nod to him and he motions for Kerri-Anne who comes back with her own face glowing with obvious emotion. She tells us where to stand and I wipe my face the best I can. With the board and balloon in hand and Drake’s arms wrapped around me, I manage a smile. She gets a few photos and is gone as fast as she came.
Releasing a balloon into the sky that symbolically represents a child you’ve lost is hard. It’s so hard that I’m really not sure I can even do it. I just don’t want to let go. I’m in Drake’s arms and he bends down getting close to my ear. “I love you. You’re stronger than you know. You’re an amazing mother. My world is brighter because of you. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.” He’s saying ever so softly in my ear as the tears flow easily from both of us. I have to let it go.
“I love you,” we say together, as we watch the balloon floating through the sky with the ribbons trailing. My heart, although sad, is grateful for this memory and grateful for this moment. Drake and I sit in the yard watching the sky for a good bit of time, long after we can no longer see the balloon.
Chapter 24
Drake
Everything worked out. The balloon and our private moment was painful. It was one thing to talk about ways to make it special, it’s a whole different thing actually doing it, but I think it worked out pretty well. We did it.
We sit in the yard together for about fifteen minutes after the balloon disappears. She needed a minute to let the tears subside, and I needed a minute to watch her do it. Seeing her pain can damn near bring me to my knees, I love this girl more than life. I’d do anything to help her heal. I’m really hoping this is a step in the right direction.
I check my watch knowing we are late and off schedule but I don’t care. There is likely a house full of people inside while Cams and I sit here in our own little much needed quiet space. They can wait.
“Cams, I need to tell you something,” I tell her, waiting for her to acknowledge me. “You are right, the baby had his purpose. He fulfilled his need in our life in such a short amount of time. He’s not ever going to be only a memory to us. What you and I know of his role in our life will always be bigger.” She smiles.
“I know. I’m just not sure how to be happy about it yet.” She whispers quietly.
I understand that statement more than she thinks. “It’s not joyous, babe. But it’s necessary. We’ll always have that little silver lining of knowing the reason though. That’s what matters.”
“Yes. It does matter and he mattered. Thank you for showing me that you understand too.” She grips my hand tightly and I remind her again that she’s not alone in this and I love her.
When I feel like she’s ready to move from our spot, I tell her there is another surprise. Only this time, I don’t keep it from her, letting her walk into a house of people unknowing. I let her in on the fact beforehand, so that she can prepare herself for it. Then we walk inside together to meet our guests.
An hour ago sitting with Cami after a moment of extreme emotion, I was sure the party was the dumbest idea I’d ever had. Now, I’m glad. This is just what we all needed. The children are playing, running all around the yard. My mom is happily visiting with Garrett’s mom and dad, bragging about grandkids, and everything else grandparents can bond over. Cami is with her girlfriends. She’s smiling and content and I’m sitting back with a bunch of pussy whipped men, talking man shit while sneaking peeks at the women across the yard, that make our worlds go round. I know they all think the same but no one will admit
it out loud and have our dicks called into question.
I want to kick myself for not realizing a long time ago that all it took was a little time and care. I want to kick myself for being oblivious to the big picture. I want to kick myself for ever allowing my wife to feel insignificant in my life. But with all that said, I know now and I won’t forget.
Chapter 25
Cami
We’ve stuffed our faces. The smiles filling our home from the people I love most in the world, brings a level of solace that I greatly needed. With drinks in hand the girls and myself find a place on the outdoor sofas to chat and watch over the children from afar.
I’ve been lucky so far. No one has brought up that I’ve held back and kept a secret such as the one I did. It goes against our unspoken code of conduct. I know they won’t hold it against me for long, but I also know I won’t be able to avoid the conversation forever.
Now is as good of time as any to clear the air. When there’s a second of pause in between a conversation, I broach the subject. “Today was special. Thank you for your parts in it,” I say attempting to look them all in the eyes, yet looking into the distance instead to avoid the hurt I see in them, “I’m sorry it took so long to tell you all. I wish I would have told you sooner. I know that I’ve hurt you all.”
They all scoot in closer, Alexis and Kelsey on each side and Whitney sitting on the coffee table in front of me. Alexis is the first to comment. “Cami, we love you. You did what you had to do to get through something traumatic, but we would have been there to help without question. You have to know that,” She tells me placing her hand over my own. Alexis has been through so much, if anyone knows the trauma of a loss, it’s her. I’m glad she understands my situation to be that as well.
Kelsey agrees sweetly, with Alexis aloud adding, “And you’ve done so much for all of us, we could have finally paid you back. But it’s okay.” Kelsey is the princess of our little group. Her idea of helping would be locating an attendant or calling in Alexis and Whitney to make a plan and she’d be there one hundred percent to go along with the plan to show her love and support.
Meanwhile, Whitney is shaking her head. This friendship works for a reason. We are all immensely different. Yet, somehow our personalities work. We see through each other’s crap, straight to the heart of each other. Our code of conduct is strict. Secrets are not permitted, although clearly in extreme situations such as my own, will be forgiven with some hefty lecturing. So I already know it’s coming!
“Ummm… NO. She’s not off the hook that easy. Nice try.” She looks at Alexis and Kelsey with disappointment. “Cams, you needed us! You didn’t tell us! That’s wrong and not fair! Do NOT, and I mean EVER, do that again.” She is saying with the look of a parent scolding a teenager, she’s a damn pro and completely kidless, “I love you like a sister. Let’s be honest, I love you more than my real siblings. Knowing that you were hurting for so long breaks my heart. We could have helped or at the very least, been there to love you through the pain. Don’t shut us out.” She finishes and I know that’s about as heartfelt as she is able to be. God. I love her. I love them all.
“I’m sorry. I won’t shut you out. I’m going to be better about keeping up with girl’s nights and hangout sessions. I’ll call more. And most importantly, when I’m having a bad day, I won’t fake it and pretend things are great. I’ll tell you honestly that they suck.” I promise to them all and I know that my promise is one that carries weight, because it’ll give them a chance to be part of my real life in a very different way. When I’m miserable they will co-miserate with me.
“Good… Now, present!” Alexis proclaims excitedly, reaching inside her huge purse for a box and passing it to me. A Tiffany & Co. box tied with a white satin ribbon. I look around at the girls trying to understand why a present is in order but they are anxiously looking on as I attempt to unravel the white ribbon.
When I open the box I find a bracelet with heart charms. I look closely at the charms, the first one says ‘Caleb’. I run my fingers down the line to the next heart, ‘Daniel’. Stray tears fall as I read the next, ‘Andrew’, then ‘Aubri’. I love it so much. The last charm on the bracelet is different and I immediately know its representation, angel wings.
I hold the silver bracelet tightly in my hands, bringing it to my chest to rest at my heart, as I look up at my friends, not bothering to care or wipe away my tears. “I love you all so much. This means so much to me. Thank you.” And I mean it. A bracelet that acknowledges my children by name has meaning. Tons. But a bracelet acknowledging all of my children including the one that only Drake and I had the chance to love, is more special than I can describe.
I bring my hands that are clutching the bracelet to my lips, pressing my lips onto the angel wings, before passing it over to Whitney to clasp on my wrist. Who knew such a thing as a bracelet with angel wings would bring so much comfort? I ask myself, before seeing the answer before my eyes. They knew. They knew I’d need this to remember he was with me. I’m scared I’ll someday forget.
After hugs are exchanged and everyone is feeling better, Whitney decides it’s time to break out the Sangria and I know that tonight may be one of the few nights that I’ll gladly drink up without concern. A good tipsy feeling may be just what’s needed.
After my third glass, despite Kelsey’s demand that I not ‘break the seal’ I finally override her so called knowledge of how it all works, reminding her that I’ve had four children and my bladder just doesn’t hold anything in the same way anymore. They laugh at me as I march into the house to finally use the bathroom.
Friendships are amazing. Girlfriends know just how to help forget hard things and have a little fun. They also are the biggest pains in the ass at times. But mine are the best pains in the ass anyone could ever ask for. I obviously need to start using them to my advantage and make them cheer me up anytime I’m having an awful day. I laugh to myself. Yep. I’m a little drunk.
My mother in-law has thankfully taken the children for yet another sleepover, telling us we need adult time with friends and she’ll return them tomorrow. Garrett’s mother and father took their little’s as well so the yard is now filled with adults being able to relax and enjoy conversations that may or may not be appropriate for the ears of little humans.
I walk past the kitchen and see Jon at the kitchen window drinking a bottle of water and looking out into the yard at where Whitney is sitting, laughing and smiling. The happiness on his face is hard to miss. He loves to see her happy.
I walk over to where he’s standing and look out of the window beside him, wanting to see what he sees from his perspective. He’s right, it’s a beautiful sight. Not just Whitney. All of them. Every single person, including my husband, is carrying a smile. God, he melts my heart.
“We’re all really lucky, aren’t we?” I ask.
He nods. Jon is a quiet man. He’s never really been chatty with any of us, including the guys but he’s not aloof. He’s just watchful. He doesn’t miss much. “More than we’ll ever know.” He turns looking at me, “I’m really sorry about the baby, Cami. I understand why you were so upset now,” He says, waiting for my acknowledgement before looking again to the backyard.
“Thanks, Jon. But mostly, thank you for loving her. She needs it,” I tell him knowing he does love her. You can’t miss it when he looks at her, especially when he doesn’t know anyone is watching him. “How are things with her?” I ask, hopefully he’ll give me insights, since she is harder to break than the National Treasury.
“You know, if you would have asked me a couple of days ago, my answer would be far different than the one I’m going to tell you,” he says meeting my eyes again. “I don’t know what you did, I don’t know what you said, but it changed everything. We’re great. She’s opened up.” This is music to my ears. I’m so happy that things are going more smoothly for them. “Thank you. It means the world to me. You have hero status in my book, lady.” He pulls me in for a side hug as we laugh th
en walk together back outside to rejoin our friends.
My legs take me on the shortest, quickest path to Drake’s awaiting arms. As soon as he saw my movements coming in his direction, his whole posture changed. He wanted me in his arms as much as I wanted to be there. I sit comfortably in his lap around the fire pit where all the girls have joined the guys and Garrett and Jon and even Alexis at times, are serenading us with beautiful acoustic music.
I look up at my husband and find him staring back at me, watching me take in the enjoyment of those around us and me watching for the same in him. “Thank you for this,” I whisper quietly so that only he and I can hear. He nods with his knowing smile.
“You are my world. Just please don’t ever forget that. I know I never will,” He replies.
Maybe it’s all the love surrounding around us now, maybe it’s the grand gestures of the past few days, maybe it’s that our truths are out there, or maybe it’s everything combined but I can’t stop myself from kissing him. Not a little kiss, a wet sloppy kiss, I’m kissing him in front of everyone. It’s probably the alcohol, I don’t care.
The End
Acknowledgements
This story would never have come to life without the help of others. Escaping into the world of writing can be scary and lonely at times but I’m fortunate enough to be supported and loved by some amazing people. I love my job.
To my husband and daughter, my life would be incomplete without you. Thank you for allowing me to escape day after day and night after night, to hide in the world of my fictional characters. I love you both more than words could ever express.
To my parents and grandparents, thank you for loving me in spite of my flaws. Thank you for being proud of my accomplishments as not only a wife and mother, but all the things that make my heart smile.