“Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?”
The waitress leans over the counter and says, “Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.”
Americans – chasing the American dream does not count as exercise.
A man is showing an American tourist around London. When they come to a Pelican crossing, he presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes “bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep . . .”
“What’s that for?” asks the American.
“Oh, that’s just to let the blind know that the lights have changed,” explained the guide.
“My God,” replied the visitor. “In the States we don’t even let them drive.”
Americans. They say tomato; we say, “Please don’t shoot me, I’m on your side.”
AMISH
What goes clip-clop clip-clop bang!?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s arse?
A mechanic.
Two Amish women are peeling spuds. One says: “These potatoes remind me of my husband’s balls.”
“Why?” asks the other. “Are they very big?”
“No, because they’re dirty.”
Did you see the first Amish porn film?
Ninety minutes of bare ankles.
Ten Signs that Your Amish Teenage Son is Going Through a “Difficult” Phase
1 He stays in bed till after 5 a.m.
2 In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets.
3 He drinks molasses until he throws up.
4 He gets a tattoo that says: “Born to Raise Barns”.
5 His name is Jeremiah, but he goes by “J Daddy”.
6 He defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap!”
7 You come upon his secret stash of colourful Y-fronts.
8 He uses slang expressions like: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”
9 He was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese”.
10 He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.
An Amish woman is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a traffic cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to give you a ticket right now, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she replies. “I’ll get my husband, Jacob, to take a look at it as soon as I get home.”
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Please ask your husband to take care of that right away. Have a nice day now, ma’am.”
Later at home the Amish lady explains to her husband about her encounter with the cop.
“Well, what exactly did he say?”
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in a couple of minutes. Anything else?”
“Er . . . I’m not really sure to be honest. Something about the emergency brake?”
What is every Amish woman’s fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
AMPUTEES
A little girl wakes up from surgery in hospital, having survived stepping on a land mine. She screams: “Doctor, something is wrong . . . I can’t feel my legs!”
“That’s quite normal,” said the doctor, “we’ve had to amputate both your arms.”
A bus hit my brother and he had both of his legs amputated. Now he’s my half-brother.
A gang of amputees robbed a bank. The police say they are stumped.
Police have arrested a one-legged man for extortion. They said he was leaning on people.
If you ever saw an amputee being hanged, could you suppress the urge to shout out letters?
ANAL SEX
I joined a fisting club last month. It has really widened the circle of my friends.
I shagged some bird up the arse last night. The poor thing hasn’t flown since.
I used to go out with an English-language teacher but she dumped me.
She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.
A man complains to his doctor: “I’ve been banging the wife for so long and so often that she’s rather big and loose. Is there anything you can suggest?”
“Well,” says the doctor, a little awkwardly, “it’s a bit of a taboo subject frankly, but have you thought about taking her up the other hole?”
“What?” the man replies. “And risk getting her pregnant?”
Ulrika Jonsson has been rushed to hospital after accidentally sitting on her mobile phone. Doctors are not too worried. Apparently it isn’t the first time she’s had an Ericsson up her arse.
My girlfriend likes it doggy style. It’s great because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards.
What do a nine-volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?
You know it’s wrong but nevertheless you will end up touching it with your tongue.
ANIMALS
A lion, a tiger and a chicken were sitting around discussing who was the toughest. The tiger said, “I’m the toughest sonofabitch in the animal kingdom. When I roar, all of the animals run and hide.”
The lion said, “No, I’m the hardest motherfucker in the animal kingdom. When I roar, all the animals quake with fear.”
The chicken said quietly, “Sorry guys, but I’m the toughest. When I sneeze, the whole world shits itself.”
A female tortoise was walking down an alley when she was ambushed and viciously raped by a gang of snails. When the police arrived they asked her if she got a good look at his attackers. The tortoise, with a confused look on her face, replied: “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
A camel and his son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says: “Dad, why have we got these great big humps on our backs?”
The father camel looks down on the son and says: “Well, son, it is so that we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water.”
The young camel listens intently and says, “Wow, I never knew that!”
A few minutes later, the younger camel says: “Dad, why do we have really thick eyelids?”
The father answers, “To protect our eyes so that our pupils are not scratched by sand storms.”
“Wow!” the young camel says.
A couple of minutes later the younger camel says: “Dad, why have we got such huge feet?”
“Well, son,” the father camel replies, “we have to walk over sand dunes and because our feet are big we can travel much more easily.”
“Wow,” says the son. “Dad, what the fuck are we doing in a zoo, then?”
What’s yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.
What’s blue and comes in pints?
A whale.
What’s pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.
What’s the worst smell in the world?
A kipper’s cunt.
Why do cows always look so miserable when they are being milked?
Well, if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn’t shag you, wouldn’t you be depressed?
What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue, mate?”
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest to visit her grandma, when all of a sudden, she bumped into a big bad wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin.
“My, Mr Wolf, what big sticky out ears you have.”
“Yes, my dear,” replied the wolf. “All the better to hear with.”
“My, Mr Wolf, what big flared nostrils you have.”
“Yes, my dear, all the better to smell with,” replied the wolf.
“My, Mr Wolf, what big bulging eyes you have.”
“Yes, my dear, all the
better to see with,” replied the wolf.
“My, Mr Wolf, what big teeth you have,” said Little Red Riding Hood.
“Yes, my dear, all the better to eat with. Now, do you mind? I’m trying to have a shit.”
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Two sheep in a field. One says to the other: “BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA.”
The other says: “Fuck, I was going to say that.”
How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?
It only sleeps in snatches.
A baby seal walks into a club . . .
Why do hippos make love underwater?
Have you ever tried keeping a nine-pound clitoris damp?
A married couple are driving along the road one night when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop and the wife gets out, picks it up, and takes it into the car. She says, “Look, it’s shivering, it must be freezing to death. What should I do?”
Her husband replies, “Put it between your legs to keep it warm.”
She asks, “What about the smell?”
He replies: “Hold its nose.”
What’s the difference between a hamster and a cow?
Cows survive the branding.
A male whale and his partner were swimming off the coast of Japan when they spotted a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it immediately as the whaling ship that had harpooned and killed his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should make the ship turn over and sink.”
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized that the ship’s crew had escaped by jumping overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male whale was furious that they were going to get away and said to his female companion: “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”
At this point, he realized that the female was reluctant to follow him. “Is there a problem?” he asked her.
“Look,” she replied. “I went along with the blow job, but there’s no way I’m going to swallow the seamen.”
Which animal has a cunt in the middle of its back?
A police horse.
ANNE FRANK
Did you hear about the Anne Frank Museum closing down because of a lack of visitors?
No one could find it.
Excerpt from a Week of the Diary of Anne Frank
15 June 1944: Hid.
16 June 1944: Hid.
17 June 1944: Hid.
18 June 1944: Hid.
19 June 1944: Hid.
20 June 1944: Hid.
21 June 1944: Bugger.
You have to feel sorry for Anne Frank. First she gets her diary published, which is every girl’s worst nightmare, on top of that she doesn’t get to make any money from it, which is every Jew’s worst nightmare.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhoea of Anne Frank.
ANNIVERSARIES
A man and his wife went to their honeymoon hotel to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected upon on that magical evening twenty-five years ago, the wife asked her husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
The wife slipped off her clothes and stood in front of him wearing only a negligee. She asked: “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “I’m thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job.”
Alf and Mabel had been married for fifty years. On the night of their wedding anniversary after the celebrations were over they retired to bed in a romantic mood. Mabel said to Alf: “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.” Alf leaned over and gave her a loving peck on the cheek.
Then Mabel said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand all the time.” Alf gently took her hand in his.
Mabel went on: “I also remember how you used to nibble my ear and it sent chills up and down my spine.”
Alf got out of bed and walked toward the door. As he exited the room, she called after him, “Do you need a pee?”
“No, I’m just going to get my teeth.”
An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, “There is something I need to say. It has always slightly bothered me that our ninth child never quite looked anything like the rest of our children. These past fifty years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife stares at her plate, unable to look her husband in the eye. Eventually, she swallows hard then says. “Yes, he did.”
The old man is stunned into silence. After a few moments he summons up the courage to ask: “Who was he?”
The old woman gulps down her wine and says: “You.”
My wife said to me in bed one night, “Since it is our wedding anniversary, why don’t I let you act out one of your fantasies?”
“Okay,” I replied. “You sit at the end of the bed and I’ll sit behind you.”
A little surprised, she did as I asked, then she said, “What is this supposed to be?”
“You driving me down to the pub.”
ARABS
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty.
What does Tehran have in common with Hiroshima?
Nothing, yet.
When is it okay to spit in an Arab woman’s face?
When her moustache is on fire.
What do you call an Arab standing between two buildings?
Ali.
How do you tell a Sunni from a Shi’ite?
The Sunnis are the ones with the Shi’ite blown out of them.
Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.
A Bangladeshi called Abdul was bragging that in his country there were seventy-nine different ways to make mad passionate love. An Englishman listened intently, then said: “Why, that’s amazing. Where I come from there’s only one way.”
“Just one?” Abdul asked. “And which way is that?”
“Well there’s a man and there’s a woman . . .”
“Praise Allah!!” shouted Abdul. “Number eighty!”
Why are camels known as ships of the desert?
Because they are full of Arab semen.
Two Arabs board a fight out of London. One takes a window seat and the other sits next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sits down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the rabbi kicks his shoes off and is settling in when the Arab in the window seat says, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” says the rabbi, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.” As soon as he leaves, one of the Arabs picks up the rabbi’s shoe and spits in it.
When the rabbi returns with the Coke, the other Arab says, “That looks good, I’d like one as well.” Again, the rabbi offers to go to fetch it. While he is gone the other Arab picks up the rabbi’s other shoe and spits in it.
When the rabbi returns they all sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight. As the plane is landing, the rabbi slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately that they are full of phlegm. He leans over and says to his Arab neighbours, “Gentlemen, why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations! This hatred! This animosity! This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”
AUSTRALIANS
An Australian bloke is walking though the bush when he comes across an isolated homestead with a girl standing by the gate. �
��G’day,” says the Aussie. “Fancy a fuck?”
“Not really,” replies the girl. “But you’ve talked me into it, you silver-tongued bastard.”
How many Aborigines does it take to eat a dead kangaroo?
Five. One to do the eating and four to stop the traffic.
Why do Australians call their beer XXXX?
Because they can’t spell PISS.
An Englishman walks into an Aussie bar in the outback and orders a white wine. Suddenly a deathly silence descends as everyone turns to look at the stranger. The barman says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya . . . where ya from, mate?”
The man says, “I’m from Sussex, England.”
The barman asks, “What the hell you do in Sussex, mate?”
The man responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The barman asks, “A taxidermist . . . now just what the hell is a taxidermist?”
He says, “I mount animals.”
The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay, boys, he’s one of us!”
What’s the definition of Australian aristocracy?
An Aussie who can trace his lineage back to his father.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 4