The prostitute read the definition out loud: “An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves.”
How do you make a bear cross?
Nail a couple of them together.
What you call a bear with no paw?
Rupert the bastard.
THE BEATLES
What caused audiences to scream so loud at Beatles concerts?
The shock of seeing four Scousers working.
What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono.
The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It’s mostly drum and bass.
What would it take to re-unite The Beatles?
Two bullets.
What was John Lennon’s last hit?
The pavement.
Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon?
Yoko ducked.
What was tall and thin and came in a yellow bag?
John Lennon.
BEREAVEMENT
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: “Please come and bury my wife.”
“But I buried your wife ten years ago,” replied the undertaker.
“I got married again,” the man sobbed.
“I didn’t know,” said the undertaker. “Congratulations.”
“My uncle died the other day after drinking a botle of varnish. The doctors said it was a terrible end, but a lovely finish.”
Sid won a ticket in a raffle to go to the FA Cup Final at Wembley. When he gets inside the stadium he realizes that the seat is quite low down at pitch level, right behind a bank of photographers restricting his view. About five minutes into the game, however, he spots an empty seat about ten rows up right on the half-way line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
“No. help yourself,” he replied.
“This is incredible!” said Sid. “I wonder, who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the FA Cup Final and not use it?”
The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, I’m really sorry to hear that,” says Sid, “but all the same, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”
“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”
A well-dressed young man is sitting alone in a bar, staring grimly into his drink. “Is there anything wrong?” asks the barman.
“Well, three months ago my grandfather died and left me £100,000,” replies the young man.
“That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” says the barman.
“Yeah,” said the young man, “but then two months ago an uncle on my mother’s side died. He left me £95,000. And only last month an aunt passed away, leaving me her house.”
“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” asks the barman.
The young guy takes a swig of his drink and replies, “This month, so far, fuck all.”
I’ve noticed that whenever someone dies of cancer, people always say, “They died after a long battle with cancer.” My wife passed away last week. She died after a short battle with a number 22 bus.
BESTIALITY
My wife and I decided to try a threesome with my best friend last night.
It was some of the best sex we’ve ever had. And I know he enjoyed it as well. His tail hasn’t stopped wagging since.
A man goes to the doctor’s and says, “I’ve got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?”
“Okay. Let’s have look.” So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down and the doctor examines him. “Yes, sir, I can remove that mole. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to report you to the RSPCA.”
What’s the worst thing about washing your cat?
Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a huge hole in my arse.”
The doctor says, “Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look.”
The man does as he’s told. “My God!!” exclaims the doctor. “What could have made a hole as big as that?”
He replies, “I’ve been fucked by an elephant.”
The doctor says, “An elephant’s penis is long and thin . . . this hole is enormous!”
“I know. He fingered me first.”
I had sex with a chicken last night. It turns out the chicken came first, after all.
I put my dick inside my daughter’s pet rabbit. He is not a happy bunny.
I was forcing the dog to give me a blow job this morning when he suddenly turned on me. Fortunately his arse was just as good.
A miserable-looking man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a treble whisky. “Wow, that’s some strong poison you’re ordering, you must be miserable,” says the barman.
The man replies, “Well, I just found my wife in bed with my best friend, so yes, I’m feeling pretty bad.”
The barman is deeply saddened by the man’s plight so he gives him the drink on the house and encourages him to tell him the fully story.
“Well, I came home and walked into our bedroom, then I saw them together. I told her that we were through and to pack her things.”
“And what did you do with your friend?” the barman enquires.
He replies, “Well, I looked him right in the eye and I said, ‘bad dog!’”
“I love a nice tight pussy. That’s why I’m in big trouble with the RSPCA.”
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, “This is the pig I have been fucking.”
His wife replies, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.”
The man replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck inside the chicken.
What’s the worst thing about giving anal to a horse?
The horse’s turn.
Why did the zoophile cross the road?
Because he saw the zebra crossing.
I went home and caught the plumber with his dick up the dog’s arse! I can’t believe the police won’t do anything! It turns out the cunt is Corgi registered.
If the dog’s tail is still wagging, can you really call it rape?
BIRDS
Why don’t cockerels have hands?
Because chickens don’t have tits.
A pheasant waddles up close alongside a grouse, looks around and asks in a hushed tone, “If I stick my beak up your arse, would you be interested in returning the favour?”
“Okay,” says the grouse. “I’m game if you are.”
What do you call a female peacock?
A peacunt.
What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with an owl?
A prick that stays up all night.
Animal rights activists claim that cutting a chicken’s head off is cruel because it still runs around in pain. Not if you cut its legs off first.
What should you do if a bird craps on your car?
Don’t take her out again.
The mating call of a robin: “Tweet tweet chirrup.”
The mating call of an owl: “A twit to woo. A twit to woo.”
The mating call of a blackbird: “Stick it up my ass Winston.”
BLINDNESS
A coach driver is transporting a group of blind children back from a school trip. It is a hot summer’s day and he decides to stop for a break at a country inn. As the blind children get out of the coach he notices them carrying a football.
“How are you going to play football?” he enquires.
“We’ve got a special football with a bell in it,” says one of the boys. “Go and have a drink, we’ll be fine!”
So the driver goes into the pub, gets himself a drink, and sits down to read the newspaper. About half an hour later a police officer enters the inn.
“Who’s in charge of those blind kids outside?” asks the officer.
“I am, officer. Is there a problem?”
“I should say so, sir. They have just kicked a Morris dancer to death.”
Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One, a German shepherd owner, says, “Fancy a pint?”
The other, a Chihuahua owner, says: “They’ll never let us in with the dogs.”
The first replies: “Just follow my lead,” as he puts on a pair of sunglasses. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The man says, “This is my guide dog.”
The bartender apologizes, “I’m sorry, sir, here . . . the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
The second man walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
“This is my guide dog,” the man says.
The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t have Chihuahuas as guide dogs.”
The man replies, “What? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua?”
A blind man was walking down the street with his guide dog when it led him to walk smack into a post, breaking his nose. When he recovered, the blind man reached into his pocket and fetched out a treat to feed the dog.
A passer-by remarked: “That’s very kind of you. Even after he’s made a mistake like that, you’re giving him a treat.”
“Not exactly,” says the blind man. “I’m just trying to find which end is which so I can kick him in the bollocks.”
How do you drive a blind girl crazy?
Make her read a stucco wall.
A blind millionaire businessman went on a trip in his private jet. At 20,000 feet the pilot called him into the cockpit to tell him he was feeling ill and had chest pains. Suddenly the pilot keeled over with a fatal heart attack. The blind man panicked as he felt the plane nose-diving and rocking violently, so he dragged the pilot out of his seat and strapped himself in. After a lot of frantic fumbling around he located the radio and called into it: “Mayday! Mayday!”
Ground control heard the call for help and enquired what the problem was.
“I am blind and alone in a plane, the pilot is dead and I’m flying upside down. Mayday! Mayday!”
Ground control said: “Calm down, sir. Just to clarify, you are blind, is that correct? If so how do you know you are flying upside down”
The blind man replied: “Because I can feel the shit running up my back.”
A blind man says to his mate, “What’s ‘F’ in Braille?”
He replies, “It’s so we can fucking read, you soft cunt.”
A blind man was in a bar bragging about how his disability had given him a heightened sense of smell. His claimed that his olfactory senses were now so highly developed that he could identify any type of wood purely by smell alone. He challenged fellow drinkers that for every piece of wood they brought him that he was unable to name, he would buy them a drink.
The customers took up his challenge and started to bring in bits of wood and twigs for him to sniff. The first man came up to him with a leg from an old desk for him to sniff. “That’s easy, it’s oak, I would say approximately thirty years old.”
Next, a lady came up to him holding a piece of branch. “Another easy one, that’s a branch from an elm tree.”
So this went on for ages and the customers were starting to get a bit bored with the whole sniffing thing, until a man came in with a black piano key.
The blind man sniffed and furrowed his brow. “Slightly trickier, that one. It’s definitely ebony, but I was thrown somewhat by the smell of stale sweat from the pianist’s fingers and the fact that it’s been placed between the ivory keys for so long.”
By this time the onlookers were pretty pissed off by the whole business and the barman decides he’s had enough. So he gets his wife to take off her knickers and stand in front of the blind man in an effort to confuse him. He sniffs and sniffs again.
“This one’s a little harder, can you turn it over please!”
The women turns around and presents her arse quite close to his face.
“Yep, I’ve got it now. That’s the shit house door off a Newquay sardine trawler.”
Is it just me, or is it obvious there would be less litter if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist who got the sack?
A blind man goes to visit an Irish optician with his guide dog. Both the blind man and the dog are facing the eye-test chart on the wall. The optician takes the guide dog away and replaces it with another guide dog, and asks, “Is that better or worse?”
Did you hear about the blind horny skunk?
It attempted to rape a fart.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their backsides?
When the toilet paper doesn’t smell of shit.
BLONDES
A young brunette walks into the doctor’s. “Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it.”
“Hmmm. Highly unusual, not to mention unlikely,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow and screams in agony. She pokes her knee and screams, pokes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
“You’re not really a brunette, are you?” says the doctor.
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”
“I thought so,” he replies. “You have a broken finger.”
A blind man goes into a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he shouts in a loud voice, “Oi, barman, you want to hear the best thick blonde joke ever?”
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that I should enlighten you on a few points. Number one, the ‘barman’ is in fact a blonde lady. Number two, the bouncer on the door is also a blonde lady. Number three, the lady sitting next to me is also blonde and is a professional boxer. Number four, the lady to your right is a blonde and is also a professional wrestler. Number five, I’m a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very short fuse. Now, I want you to think about this carefully. Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: “Nah, forget it, not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
A blonde is at the hairdressers, having her roots done, chatting to the stylist.
“My boyfriend has very bad dandruff,” she says.
“Why don’t you give him head and shoulders?” suggests the stylist.
“Okay,” says the blonde. “How do I give him shoulders?”
A blonde takes her car to be repaired. The mechanic fixes it in less than five minutes.
“Nothing serious, love,” he tells her, “just shit in the air filter.”
“Oh,” she replies. “How often?”
How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
When there is tampon behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.
What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
Every time they are on their backs, they are fucked.
A young lad starts a new job in a sex shop. His boss has to go on an errand, so he leaves the lad in charge of the shop. After a while a black lady enters the shop and starts browsing the dildoes.
“May I be of assistance, madam?” enquires the lad.
“How much are your dildoes?” she replies.
“They’re
all £40.”
“In that case I’ll have a white one. I’ve never had a white one before.”
Next, in comes a white woman, who asks the same question and gets the same answer. “I’ll buy a black one,” she says, “I’ve never had a black one before.”
In comes a blonde. “How much are your dildoes?”
“They’re all the same, £40 for the white, £40 for the black.”
“Okay. But how much is that tartan one on the shelf?”
“That’s a very special dildo, madam. It’s £165.”
“I’ll have it,” says the blonde, and she leaves with her purchase.
The boss returns and asks the lad how he got on. “Pretty good, actually,” came the reply, “I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your Thermos flask for £165.”
How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge?
By the lipstick on the cucumber.
One evening a blonde looked outside and to her surprise she saw the house next door was on fire. Being a good neighbour she called the emergency services. The operator asked what her emergency was.
The blonde replied, “The house next door is on fire.”
“Okay but how do we get there.”
The blonde replied, “Don’t you still have those big red trucks?”
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
“What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?
A golden retriever.”
A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, “Please come over and help me. I’ve got this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 7