A dog that rips your face off then goes to fetch help.
What do you call a dog with metal balls and no back legs?
Sparky.
A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this simple experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is happiest to see you?
What is the most popular name for a dog in Korea? Starters.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left him.
What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg?
Fake an orgasm.
How do you make a dog drink?
Stick it in a blender.
How do you know you’re really ugly?
Your dog closes his eyes when he humps your leg.
What is the best thing about play fghting with your pet dog?
The make up sex.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
I was in a bar in the Black Country standing next to a guy with the most docile-looking dog imaginable. When the Walsall score was read out on Sky Sports, however, the dog went completely berserk. It was growling and barking and baring its teeth at the customers.
“Bloody hell, mate, what’s going on there?” I said.
He replied, “Oh yeah. He does that every time Walsall lose.”
I said, “Well, what does he do when they win?”
He replied, “Don’t know mate. I’ve only had him six monthis.”
Why does a dog lick his arsehole?
Because he knows that in a couple of minutes he’ll be licking your face.
“They say that a dog is man’s best friend. Personally speaking, I can’t see how that can be true. I mean, how many of your friends have you neutered?”
A man buys a dog from a pet shop and teaches it to recite the Lord’s Prayer, word-for-word, until the dog has it down perfect. He takes the dog to the pub and announces: “I bet anyone here a fiver that this dog can recite the Lord’s Prayer!” Unsurprisingly, several people take up the bet, upon which the dog is placed upon on the bar. “Okay,” says the man to the dog. “Let’s do it.”
“Wuff! Wuff! Wuff!” says the dog, and starts licking its balls.
The man loses all of his money and is despondent. On the way home, he says to the dog, “What the fuck was that all about? I trained you to recite it perfectly!”
“Dead right,” says the dog, “but consider what the odds will be tomorrow night.”
What’s the best way to give your dog a bone?
Tickle his balls.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.
A dog walks into a butcher’s shop with a £10 note in his mouth and a note reading “10 lamb chops, please”. Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth. He decides to follow the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the bus timetable and sits patiently in the bus shelter. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, unable to believe his eyes.
As the bus travels out of town, the dog looks though the window, casually taking in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He then starts to scratch furiously at the front door. He does this again and again, but there is no answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a huge man opens it and starts cursing and kicking the dog. Oblivious to the dog’s pitiful yelps and whines, he pummels the mutt into a bloodied pulp.
The butcher runs up and screams at the dog owner: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”
The owner says, “Genius my arse, this is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can’t make a fst.
What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A shitzu-phrenic.
What did you say to a mongol dog?
“Down, Syndrome!”
What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
Your last blow job.
Four men were bragging about how clever their dogs were. One was a building engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was an IT engineer.
The building engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff!”
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that was pretty clever, just like his clever owner.
The accountant, however, was not to be outdone. He called to his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff!” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a packet of biscuits. He divided them into four equal piles of three biscuits each. Everyone agreed that that was very clever, just like his owner.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff!” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, took a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly ten ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive, just like his owner.
Then the three men turned to the IT engineer and said, “What can your dog do?” The IT engineer called to his dog and said, “Keyboard, do your stuff!”
Keyboard jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, dumped on the foor, shagged the other three dogs and wrote out an invoice for £750.
My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry; at least he died in Comfort.
What’s got four legs and goes “Miaow”?
A frozen dog on a bench saw.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
A vicar was walking though the park, when he saw a little blonde-haired blue-eyed little girl playing with her dog. “Hello, little girl,” he said. “What’s your name?’’
“My name is Cherry.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” said the vicar.
“Yes,” said the little girl. “My mummy was sitting under a cherry blossom tree just before I was born, and some cherry blossom fell on her tummy. She said that it she had a girl, she would name her Cherry.”
“That’s a really sweet story,” the vicar replied. “What’s your dog’s name?”
“Porky.”
“That’s an unusual name for a dog. Why is he called that? Is it because he has a curly little tail?”
“No,” said the little girl. “He fucks pigs.”
A poodle walks into a telegram office, takes out a blank form and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examines the paper and tells the poodle: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof for the same price.”
“Fuck off,” the poodle replies, “that wouldn’t make any sense at all.”
My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club.
DROWNING
How do you stop a politician from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the most dangerous stretch of water in the world? The shallow end of Michael Barrymore’s pool.
Mick worked at the brewery for twenty years, but one day he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman volunteered to inform Mick’s widow of her husband’s death. He went to her house and when she answered the door, he said: “I’m sorry but I have bad news. I’m afraid your husband passed away at work today when he fell into a vat and drowned.”
Mick’s wife
was inconsolable and she wept for several minutes. Eventually she pulled herself together and wiped the tears from her eyes with her apron. She asked the foreman, “Tell me, did he suffer?”
“We don’t think so,” the foreman replied. “He got out three times to take a piss.”
A married woman died in a scuba-diving accident while on holiday with her girlfriends. A day later her husband was paid a visit by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some fairly good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, the husband took a deep breath and asked for the bad news first.
“We’re sorry to inform you, sir,” the policeman said, “the authorities found your wife’s body in the sea yesterday.”
“Oh, my God!” said the distraught husband. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
“When we pulled her up,” said the policeman, “she had two seven-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs attached to her body.”
“Good God! So, what’s the great news?”
The officer replied, “They’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
DRUGS
My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs. He has a Porsche and his own house by the age of nineteen.
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
A tabloid newspaper published a picture of the Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a huge reefer.
I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here, children - never share your bong with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.
Did you hear about the two Asian heroin addicts who accidentally injected themselves with curry powder by mistake?
Both men are in intensive care. One has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.
Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth. He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find. A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?”
“Paul.”
Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Paul?”
“Hashish from Morocco.”
A few minutes later there is a second knock. “Who is it?”
“It’s Mark.”
Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Mark?”
“Cocaine from Colombia.”
Another knock. “Who is it?”
“It’s Matthew.”
Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Matthew?”
“Heroin from Afghanistan.”
This continues for a while, until eventually there is a twelfth knock on the door
“Who is it?”
“It’s Judas.”
Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Judas?”
“The FBI, motherfuckers!”
My doctor warned me to stay away from methamphetamine. So I bought a ffteen-foot straw.
Naomi Campbell and Jeremy Clarkson met at a celebrity bash.
“I’m a model,” says Naomi. “What do you do?”
Jeremy replies, “I do Top Gear.”
“Cool,” says Naomi. “I’ll have an eighth.”
What did the heroin addict get on his IQ test?
Drool.
DRUNKS
A guy is out on the lash with the lads and gets wildly drunk. By the time he staggers home he is covered in vomit and, sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him. The following weekend he’s out again with his mates, but avoiding the booze. When one of his friends asks why, he explains that he is still reeling from the almighty bollocking his wife gave him last time he got home drunk.
“No problem,” says his mate. “When it happens again, make sure you have £20 in your shirt pocket so you can tell your wife that someone else puked on you and put the money in there for the dry cleaning!” Emboldened by this brilliant plan he proceeds to get completely pissed.
Much later that evening he falls through the front door, again covered in vomit. Predictably, his wife completely freaks.
“I can explain!” he protests. “A guy threw up over me and gave me £20 for dry cleaning! Check my pocket!”
His wife looks in his shirt pocket and says, “There’s £40 here.”
“Yeah,” her husband replies. “He shat in my pants as well.”
How do you know when you’ve had enough to drink?
When you see a mop and don’t understand why you’re getting an erection.
A man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A policeman pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
“Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yes, sir, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the man said, “Thank God. I thought I was a cripple.”
A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the foor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers.
“Here’s your husband!”
“Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”
What do you call an Pakistani alcoholic?
Mustafa pint.
A drunk comes staggering into the park blind drunk and sits himself down on a bench next to some other drunks. “Where have you been all night?” asks his friend.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.”
“Bollocks! There’s no such place!” snorts his mate.
The drunk says, “Sure there is! The joint’s got these huge golden doors and a golden foor. Fuck, even the toilets are gold!” His mate doesn’t believe his story, so the next day checks the phone book, and, sure enough, there is a place across town called the Golden Saloon. He calls up the place to check his mate’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” he asks.
“Yes, it is,” a woman answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“We certainly do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden toilets?”
There’s a long pause, then he hears the woman shouting, “Eric, I think I got a lead on the guy who shat in your saxophone!”
There is nothing uglier than a drunken woman. Apart from Andrew Lloyd Webber.
A drunk gets on a bus one day, dishevelled and stinking of alcohol and stale urine. He sits down next to a priest, opens his newspaper and starts reading. A couple of minutes later, he asks the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”
“My friend, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replies.
“Imagine that,” the drunk mutters. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turns to the man and apologizes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have arthritis, Father. But I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”
I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make. I got really drunk and I ended up having sex with my best friend. Now I can’t even bring myself to talk to him. To be honest, I can’t even bring myself to play fetch with him.
I really need to stop drinking. If my liver becomes any more black and bloated, it’s going end up getting adopted by Madonna.
A policeman is walking
down the high street one night when he finds a totally inebriated man collapsed against a building with his car keys in his hands. The officer approaches and asks: “Excuse me sir, what are planning to do with those car keys?”
The drunk looks at his keys and says: “Shit! My car, it was right on the end of my key. Some bastard stole my car!”
“Okay,” says the copper. “I also have to inform you that your penis is hanging out.”
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, “Oh my God, they took my girlfriend as well!”
You should never use alcohol as a substitute for a woman. Last time I did that, I got my cock stuck in the neck of the bottle.
A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night. A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”
The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthima. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath.”
The officer said, “Okay, I need you to come with me, sir, and give a blood sample.” The man produced another letter. This one read: “This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way.” So the officer said, “Right, a urine sample then.”
The man produced a third letter from his pocket. It read, “This man is an American. Please don’t take the piss.”
A man walks into a bar and shouts at the barman rudely: “Give me a shot of twelve-year-old single malt.” The barman thinks to himself, “This fool won’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of cheap two-year-old whisky.
The customer takes one sip and spits it out. “I said twelve-year-old whisky, dickhead!”
Quietly fuming, the barman pours some six-year-old scotch. The customer takes a sip – same reaction.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 15