She has a vagina like a ripped-out fireplace
She has killed more cocks than a fowl butcher
She has a face like a sand-blasted tomato
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She has seen more helmets than Hitler
She has a face like a stuntman’s knee
She has a cunt like a badly packed kebab
She is so ugly that even a sniper wouldn’t take her out
She has a face like a blind joiner’s thumb
She has piss flaps like John Wayne’s saddle bags
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
She has a cunt like a burst couch
She has been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd’s shotgun
Why don’t women need a wristwatch?
There’s a perfectly good one on the stove.
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load into a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
What’s the cleverest thing to have come out of a woman’s mouth?
Einstein’s penis.
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they’re ugly and they smell.
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DESEASES
What is green and eats nuts?
Herpes.
What’s the difference between the army and a vagina?
Army discharge is a good thing.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat.
Why did the Essex girl name her dog Herpes?
Because it wouldn’t heel.
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual medical check-ups.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
“The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a rare strain of gonorrhoea, which I have only heard of once before.”
The guy blanched. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?”
“Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this particular strain only last week when I took my dog to see the vet.”
Doctor: “Mrs Jones, the results of your tests are
back, I’m afraid you have gonorrhoea.” Mrs Jones: “I think I caught it from a toilet seat.” Doctor: “You must have been chewing it then -it’s in your gums.”
A man went to see his doctor. The doctor told him, “I have good news and bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“Your wife has syphilis.”
“Oh my God! What could possibly be good news.”
“She didn’t get it from you.”
What’s the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn’t last forever.
A British tourist goes on a trip to China. While he is there he visits a local brothel and doesn’t use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.
The doctor tells him: “I’ve got bad news. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis.”
The man asks for a second opinion and seeks out a Chinese doctor who is working at the local clinic, figuring he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and says, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.”
“What can you do?” asks the man. “The other doctor wants to amputate!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid British doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!”
How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.
The Greek god Zeus was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a beautiful naked woman washing herself. He flew and made passionate love to her, then stroked her face and told her, “In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!”
The woman dressed herself smiled and replied, “In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes. Now sod off.”
“I’m afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Smith.”
“Well, give me the good news first, doctor.”
“Your lab tests came back today and your crabs are all gone.”
“That’s terrific. But what’s the bad news?”
“We don’t know what ate them.”
Which new venereal disease only affects foot fetishists? Athlete’s tongue.
SHIT
What is ten inches long, two inches thick and starts with a P?
A good shit.
Two fies were sitting on a turd when one of them farted. “Please . . .” said the other. “I’m trying to eat here.”
Turd Glossary
Ghost Shit: when you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
Clean Shit: when you shit it out, observe it in the toilet pan, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Second-Wave Shit: when you’re done shitting, you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to shit some more.
Brain-Haemorrhage Shit: also known as “Pop a vein in your forehead” shit: the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
Sweetcorn Shit: self-explanatory.
Log Shit: your turds are so huge that you’re afraid to flush the toilet without breaking them into a few pieces with your toilet brush.
Drinker’s Shit: the type of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet.
I Wish I Could Shit: where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit: when it hurts so much that you swear it was leaving you sideways.
Groaner: so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Wet-Cheeks Shit: also known as “The Power Dump”. The type that comes out of your arse so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
Liquid Shit: when yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your arse, splashing all over the inside of the toilet bowl.
The Madras: in a class of its own.
The Crowd Pleaser: a dump so intriguing in size and/ or appearance that you have to show it to someone.
Mood Enhancer: occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again.
The Ritual: occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
Guinness Book of Records Shit: a dump so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
The Aftershock Shit: has an odour so pungent that anyone entering the vicinity within the next four hours is overpowered.
Courtesy Flush Shit: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
The Honeymoon Is Over Shit: any shit created in the presence of another person.
Floater: characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes.
Ranger: refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
Phantom Shit: this appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there.
The Bombshell: comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or during root canal work) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
Snake Charmer: a long skinny shit which has managed to coil into a frightening position. Bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Shit.
Two flies are sitting on a turd. One turns to the other and says, “I haven’t seen you around in a while. Where have you been ?”
The other fly replies, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been on the sick.”
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for female flies. One of them sees a hottie sitting on a cowpat so he buzzes down and sidles up next to her.
“Excuse me,” he asks, turning on his best charm, “is this stool taken?”
There’s no such thing as a free lunch . . . unless you’re a coprophiliac.
A little boy says to his dad one day: “Dad, where does poo come from?”
The father is a little taken aback that his five-year-old son is already asking difficult questions and thinks for a while how to respond.
“Well, you know we just ate breakfast?”
“Yes,” answers the boy.
“Well, when you put food into your mouth you chew and swallow. The food then gets smaller and smaller and goes down in your oesophagus, a long tube that goes down into your tummy. Your tummy then mixes up the food and liquid with the digestive juices produced by your tummy. The digestive juices help to break down the food so the body can process it properly. Then the food comes out of your tummy and goes into your small intestine. The walls of your small intestine are filled with little hairs or fingers that stick out, called villi. The villi take the nutrients from the food into the entire body. After it leaves the small intestine, it travels into the large intestine. The only stuff that’s left over when it goes into the large intestine is waste. The waste then comes out of your bottom when you go to the loo, and that is poo.”
The little boy stares at his dad in stunned silence for a few seconds, then asks: “And tigger?”
My son was terrified after accidentally swallowing some Lego. He was shitting bricks for days.
SHOPPING
Two blondes walk into a department store. They go up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. One sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think?”
Her friend takes a sniff and replies, “Really nice. What’s it called?
“‘Viens a moi’.”
“‘Viens a moi’? What does that mean?”
The assistant interjects, “‘Viens a moi’, ladies, means ‘come to me’ in French.”
The first blonde takes another sniff, then says to her friend: “That doesn’t smell anything like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?”
A man was shopping in the men’s department at Harvey Nichols when he spotted a stunning female assistant behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.”
She smiled pleasantly and replied: “And what would you like?”
The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight then run my hand up and down your arse and squeeze it. Then I’d like to run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet pussy, I’d like to rub it while simultaneously ripping your dress off with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly. What I ‘need’, however, is a new tie.”
My wife got run over on the way to the shops today. Luckily I found a tin of baked beans in the cupboard.
A woman was in Oxford Street on a shopping trip during the summer sales. She bought an expensive pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor on the other end: “I’m sorry but your husband has just been in a terrible accident and is in a critical condition in the intensive care unit.” The woman told the doctor that she’d be there as soon as possible.
As soon as she hung up, it dawned on her that she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day’s shopping ever. It was a terrible dilemma. She decided to get in a couple of more sales before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a complimentary cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake from the last shop. She was ecstatic!
Suddenly she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital and met the lady doctor in the corridor.
The lady doctor glared at her. “You finished your shopping trip, didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past three hours, your husband has been in the intensive care unit. Unfortunately it will probably be the last shopping trip you ever take, because for the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care and you are now his carer!”
The woman broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.
The lady doctor then laughed and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What did you buy?”
A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says: “Excuse me sonny, but do you have ‘Jingle Bells’ on a seven inch?”
He replies: “No, but I’ve got dangling balls on a nine inch.”
“That’s not a record, is it?”
“No, but it’s pretty good for a ten-year-old.”
A very ugly woman is walking down the supermarket aisle with her two sons.
A man stops her and asks: “Excuse me, are they twins?”
The woman replies: “What a stupid question. One is three years old and the other is ten. Isn’t it pretty obvious they’re not twins?”
The man replies: “I thought as much. I just can’t believe someone fucked you twice.”
An elderly woman goes into fishing tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just takes one over to the counter. She says to the salesman, “Excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He replies: “Madam, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She is sceptical but decides to humour him anyway and drops it on the counter.
“That’s a six-foot graphite rod with a 404 reel and a 10-lb test line. It’s a great choice because it is on offer, this week only, for £60.”
The customer is amazed. “You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“American Express, if I’m not mistaken,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is deeply embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way the blind shop owner could possibly tell that it was her.
The blind shop owner rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be £74.50, please.”
The woman is confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you say that the rod and reel were on sale for £60?”
“Yes, madam.”
“How did you get £74.50?”
He replies: “The rod and reel are £60, the duck caller is £11 and the bag of fish bait is £3.50.”
SIAMESE TWINS
A pair of Siamese twins walk into a pub in New York and park themselves on adjacent bar stools. One of them says to the bartender, “Hi there. Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m Tom, he’s Dick. We’ll have two Budweisers please.”
The bartender, feeling a little awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Have you been on vacation yet?”
“Actually, we’re off to England next week,” says Tom.
“That’s nice.
Been there before?” asks the barman.
“Yep, we go to England every year and rent a car and drive for miles all over the country, isn’t that right, Dick?”
“We sure do,” says Dick.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “What a wonderful country to visit. London . . . Stratford upon Avon . . . Stonehenge . . . the history, the soccer . . . the beer, the culture . . .”
“Nah, we hate all that British shit,” says Tom. “Warm beer, what’s that all about? And as for soccer – you can shove it up your ass. Baseball and Buds beer, that’s us, right, Dick? And we can’t stand the English. They’re such a bunch of fucking effeminate stuck-up cunts.”
“So why keep going over there?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only time Dick here gets a chance to drive.”
What’s worse than being a Siamese twin?
Being a Siamese twin and your brother, who is attached to your shoulder, is gay, and you’re not. And he has a date coming over tonight and you only have one arse.
SKYDIVING
Did you hear about the female parachutist?
She pulled the wrong string and bled to death.
Why do women parachutists wear tampons?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 44