The shop assistant enquires, “What’s your mum like?” He replies, “Bacardi Breezers and big dicks.”
A recent study found that 35 per cent of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra. Actually I can vouch that this is true. I was injured last week while trying to undo a woman’s bra. When I undid the bra of the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me in the face with a jar of coffee.
A man is standing in a queue at the supermarket when he sees this busty brunette staring at him. He can’t quite believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
“Excuse me, do I know you?” he asks.
“Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids,” she says.
The man thinks hard and says, “Fuck me, are you the bird I shagged on my stag do while your friend whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m your son’s English teacher!”
A man walked into a bar with two black eyes. The barman said, “What happened to you?”
The man replied, “I was standing behind a big woman at the supermarket checkout. I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the barman asked.
“Well, I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in.”
A married couple are shopping in the local supermarket when the husband picks up a crate of beer and sticks it in their trolley.
“What are you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on offer,” he replies.
“Put them back. We can’t afford it!” insists the wife, and they carry on shopping. A couple of aisles later, she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
“How come I have to give up stuff and you don’t?” he complains.
“She countered, “The make up is so I can look good for you.”
“No,” he replied, “that’s what the fucking beer is for.”
SURGERY
Mike went to see his doctor, complaining of headaches. The doctor examined him and said, “Mike, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Mike was shocked and severely depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. His head was swimming and he couldn’t concentrate enough to think straight, but realized he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in twenty years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need – a new suit.”
He went into the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefy and said, “Let’s see . . . size 44 long.”
Mike laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“I’ve been in the business fifty years!”
Mike tried on the suit and it was a perfect fit. As Mike admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Mike thought for a moment and then said, “Why not!”
The salesman eyed him and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve & 16½ neck.”
Again, Mike was amazed. “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business fifty years!”
Mike tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Mike admired his new outfit in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Mike was on a roll and said, “Sure.”
The salesman looked at Mike’s fleet and said, “Let’s see . . . 9½ E.”
Mike was astonished, “That’s right, don’t tell me – you’ve been in the business fifty years!”
They both laughed. Mike tried on the shoes and, of course, they fitted perfectly. He walked around the shop to see how they felt. The salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Mike thought for a second and said, “Sure.”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Mike’s waist and said, “Let’s see . . . size 36.”
Mike laughed, “Aha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
Why don’t women have colostomies?
Because they can’t get the shoes to match the bag.
A gorgeous young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She is gowned up and placed on a trolley by the nurse and wheeled into the corridor. After a while, a young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the gown and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examination.
When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she starts to become a little anxious. “All of these examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders, “I have no idea, darling. We’re just painting the corridor.”
TAXIS
A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend to play poker. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but the second half of his round-trip ticket. He left the casino and found a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home, but to no avail.
“Sorry pal,” the cabbie said. “If you don’t have fifteen bucks, get the fuck out of my cab!”
The businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and fortunately was able to catch his flight with seconds to spare.
A couple of years later the same businessman returned to Vegas. This time his luck was in and he won a fortune. Feeling pretty good with himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. At the end of a long line of cabs, he suddenly recognized the driver who had refused him a ride when he was on his uppers. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
“How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.
“Fifteen dollars,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?” he added.
“Get out of my fucking cab!” snarled the driver.
The businessman got into the back of the second cab and repeated the question, with similar results. He went to every cabbie in the long line with the same question.
Eventually he reached his old friend at the back of the line and got in his cab. “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks.”
The businessman replied, “Okay,” and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a huge smile and a thumbs-up sign to all the other drivers . . .
A middle-aged prostitute gets in a taxi and when she arrives at her destination realizes that she can’t pay her fare. So she lifts her skirt and shows her fanny and says: “Can I pay you with this?”
The taxi driver replies: “You got anything smaller?”
An attractive woman gets into a taxi. She says, “To the airport, please.”
After a while the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, “You’re the third pregnant woman I’ve driven to the airport today.”
The woman replies: “You’re mistaken. I’m not pregnant.”
The taxi driver smiles; “Well, you haven’t arrived at the airport yet.”
A man hails a taxi. He climbs in the back and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You remind me of Eric.”
; “Excuse me?” says the passenger.
The cabbie says: “Eric Smith. Eric got everything right. For example, like me coming past just when you needed a taxi. That was exactly how it always was with Eric every single time.”
“No one is perfect,” replies the passenger.
“Oh, Eric was,” says the cabbie. “He was a great athlete. He could have been a professional footballer. He was a scratch golfer, he could sing like an opera baritone and he could dance like Broadway star. You should have heard him play the piano.”
“Bloody hell,” says the passenger. “Sounds like this Eric was something special.”
“No kidding,” says the cabbie. “He had a memory like a computer, he knew everything there was to know about wine, what food to order and which fork to eat it with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. He always knew the quickest way to go in traffc and avoid traffc jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them.”
“Wow,” says the passenger.
“And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And he was always well groomed and he wore smart clothes and highly polished shoes.”
“He sounds like an amazing bloke,” says the passenger. “How did you get to know him?”
“Well, I never actually met Eric,” says the cabbie.
“So, how do you know so much about him?”
The cabbie replies, “I married his ex-wife.”
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for a surprise birthday treat. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Phil! Good to see you mate! How are you doing?”
Phil is panic struck. His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“No way,” says Phil quickly. “He’s on my darts team.”
Inside the club, they take a seat and a waitress asks, “The usual, Phil?” and before he can answer swiftly delivers a Guinness. His wife is becoming increasingly suspicious and says, “How did she know that you drink Guinness?”
“She’s in the women’s darts team. Sometimes we share a darts board.”
Then a stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Phil, and says: “Hi Phil. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Phil’s wife grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Phil chases after her and sees her getting into a taxi. Before the taxi drives off, he jumps in beside her and tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She’s going at it hammer and tongs and screaming at him, calling him every name in the book. The taxi driver looks in his mirror and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Phil!”
TEACHERS
When I misbehaved at school, the headmaster used to give me “six of the best”. Now that I’m grown up I’m sure I could take the other two inches.
A fourteen-year-old boy comes home from school and his mother asks: “What did you do today?” The boy answers: “Oh the usual, I had a maths test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.”
The mother can’t quite believe what she just heard and gets him to repeat it. When he does, she says angrily, “Go and tell your father what you just told me!”
The boy goes into see his father and says, “Dad, mum’s mad.”
“Why son?”
“I just told her what I did in school today. I had a maths test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.”
The father gives his son a nudge and a wink and says, “Congratulations son, you passed a milestone. I tell you what, let’s go out and celebrate. We’ll have some ice cream and then I’ll buy you a new bike.”
The boy replies: “Great! The ice cream sounds good, dad, but can you make it a football instead of a bike? My arse is still killing me.”
A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside. Trying to make a good impression on her first day, she explains to her class that she’s a big football fan and supports Everton. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Evertonians. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: “Sally, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
“Because I’m not an Everton fan, miss,” she replies.
“Well, if you’re not an Everton fan, then who are you a fan of?”
“I’m a West Ham fan, and proud of it,” Sally replies.
The teacher asks: “Sally, how come you’re a Hammers fan?”
“Because my mum and dad are from Barking in London and are West Ham fans, so I’m a West Ham fan too!”
“Still,” says the teacher, “that’s no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don’t have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a whore and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?”
“No, Miss. I’d be an Everton fan.”
TECHNOLOGY
Four city executives are playing golf. On the third green, they hear a mobile ringtone. One of the bankers takes the phone from his pocket, excuses himself to take the call, before returning to the game.
“Sorry, guys,” says the banker smugly, “but I am so important to my bank that I carry my phone with me at all times.”
At the fourth green, another phone rings. The second banker lifts the palm of his hand to his face and starts to talk into it. When he had finished, he explains: “Sorry, guys. I am such an indispensable employee that I actually have a mobile phone surgically implanted in my hand.” The others examine his hand with mild interest before resuming the game.
At the fifth green, another irritating ringtone starts. A third banker splits from the group, apparently talking to himself. On his return, seeing the faces of his bemused playing partners, he explains: “My bank would fall apart without me, so I have a phone embedded in my mouth.”
The game continues. At the sixth hole, a look of discomfort suddenly crosses the fourth banker’s face and he squats behind the nearest bush. A couple of minutes pass and he fails to reappear. Eventually, the other three gingerly peer behind the bush, only to find him squatting with his trousers round his ankles, apparently having a shit.
“Sorry!” the first three bankers mumble, not knowing where to look.
The fourth looks up at them and smiles. “Will you look at that,” he says. “I’m getting a fax . . .”
What do you get if you cross a PC with a nun?
A computer that will never go down on you.
One day at work Jim says to one of his workmates, “My elbow is killing me. I’m off to see my doctor about getting something done about it.”
His mate replies, “Listen, you don’t have to waste your time waiting around in a GP’s waiting room. There’s a brilliant new diagnostic computer in the clinic on the high street. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs nothing.”
So Jim takes his advice and collects a urine sample in a jar and takes it to the clinic. The computer display lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer spews a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jim began wondering if the computer was foolproof. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scrapes some oil off the driveway and masturbates into the mixture for good measure.
Jim goes back to the chemist, pours in his new sample and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins, but they are not yours. See a solicitor.
5. Your Ford escort needs new rings.
6. And if you don’t stop wanking your elbow will never get better.
Bill Gates dies and finds himself standing before the pearly gates, being checked over by St Peter. “Well, Bill, I have to tell you that this is a tough call,” says St Peter. “I don’t know whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. On the one hand, you contributed enormously to society by putting a computer in almost every home, but you also created that annoying Windows operating system. Tell you what, I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
“What’s the difference between the two?” Bill asks.
St Peter replies, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefy if it will help you make your decision.”
“Fine,” says Bill. “Where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay, let’s try Hell first,” says Bill.
So Bill goes to Hell. It is a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women lounging around, taking in the sun. The weather is beautiful and the temperature pleasingly warm but not too hot. Bill is very pleased. “This is great!” he tells St Peter. “If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!”
“Fine,” says St Peter, and off they go.
Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It is very nice, but frankly a bit dull and not as enticing as Hell. Bill considers his options for a couple of minutes then delivers his decision. “All in all, I think I’d prefer Hell,” he tells St Peter.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 46