by Paula Cox
“I’ve decided not to come.”
She suddenly felt like hitting him. “Yes,” she said coolly, “that much I gathered. I want to know why.”
“I…” He licked his lips nervously and looked away briefly. “I’ve decided to do something else with my life.”
Alyssa frowned. She had never felt this confused in her life. “Such as…?”
Prince took a deep breath. He was obviously on the verge of panicking, but he still somehow found the strength to look her straight in the eye as he said the very last thing Alyssa had ever expected him to say: “I’ve decided to join the Devil’s Fighters.”
She could actually feel her eyes widen and her heart stop for a split second. “Is this a joke?” she said when she could find her voice again.
“No,” he said.
Just like that. “No.” Alyssa couldn’t wrap her mind around it.
“It has to be,” she finally said.
“It’s not a joke. They offered me a position.”
“Do you hear yourself?” she finally snapped. “‘A position?’ It’s not a fucking corporate job you’re talking about; it’s a goddamned motorcycle gang!”
Prince had the nerve to give her a small grin. “I’ve never heard you swear so much in one sentence.”
Alyssa glared daggers into him. “Prince, you can’t be serious,” she said after a moment, her anger being quickly replaced with concern that was more akin to panic than anything else. “You hate those guys. What’s gotten into you?”
Prince shrugged. “They’re not that bad.”
Alyssa looked at him incredulously. “‘Not that bad?’” she repeated, stunned. “Since when are they ‘not that bad?’”
“Lately I’ve had a few chances to get to know them better, and it’s…well…it’s complicated, Alyssa. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” she said immediately, knowing that the only hope she had of getting him back from wherever crazy place he had gone was to keep the dialogue flowing. “Make me understand.”
Prince bit down on his bottom lip as he always did when he was nervous or really cared about getting a point across and was looking for the words to do just that. “They have certain dynamics…”
“What dynamics?” Alyssa prompted when he fell back into silence.
“Family dynamics.”
Alyssa blinked. If she had been confused before, now she was utterly at a loss. “What?”
“They’re like a family. They look out for one another; they have each other’s back. You know I never had something like that.”
“I know,” Alyssa admitted reluctantly. To say that Prince’s situation at home was bad was probably the understatement of the century.
“If I join, they can give me that. Belonging.”
Alyssa looked at him—really looked at him—and with a pang of sharp, gut-wrenching pain she realized she had already lost him. He was already gone. There was nothing she could say or do to get him back. It was split-second revelation, a lightning-fast epiphany, but one that was inescapable.
“I can give you that,” she said weakly, because even though he had already left her she had to say it.
He gave her a small, sad smile. “No,” he said, as gently as he could, “you can’t.”
The words cut deeper than anything she had ever experienced. Alyssa stared at the boy in front of her, and she didn’t recognize him. She didn’t recognize that steely glint in his eyes, that distant feel to his posture. He was sitting right next to her, but he was already gone.
“I put my life on hold for four years for you,” she said quietly. She did not mean to throw it in his face, but she felt she was entitled to mention it.
He had the good grace to cringe visibly. “I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you?”
Prince blinked. “Of course I am,” he said. He looked confused. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you meant to string me along.”
“No!” he said quickly, vehemently. “You know that’s not true.”
“Do I?” Alyssa retorted. “I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” She hesitated. She wasn’t a fan of melodrama, but she figured she had better say anything she was feeling. After all, it really looked like she wouldn’t have the chance to do it again. “I feel like I don’t know you anymore. And it’s surreal, because we were having breakfast only half an hour ago, and you were still you then.”
“It’s still me, Aly,” Prince said.
Alyssa stared at him in disbelief. “No, it’s not, and you’re a fool if you really think it is.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again, after a few moments of the heaviest silence either of them had ever experienced.
“Stop saying that,” Alyssa snapped.
“It’s the truth.”
“Bullshit.” Alyssa could feel her heart breaking and a tear opening up within her that was quickly growing into an abyss. “No one who even had the ability to feel sorry would ever pull a stunt like this.”
Prince sighed. “It’s not a stunt, Alyssa,” he said. “It’s just something I have to do.”
“No, it’s not!” she finally snapped, all but shooting to her feet. She could hear her voice breaking, but she didn’t care. “Shitting all over your future for a motorcycle gang is not something you have to do!”
“Aly—”
“Look me in the eye,” she cut him off sharply. “Look me in the eye and tell me this is really what you want.”
Prince stood slowly. He stepped closer to her until they were standing only a couple of inches apart. Alyssa’s stomach spasmed. It was like looking at a car crash in slow motion. His green eyes kept her in place, rooting her to the spot.
“This is really what I want.”
There it was. He had said it. And he had looked her in the eye. Alyssa could practically feel her world collapsing in on itself.
“Go.”
“Alyssa, please. Don’t do this.”
“I’m not doing anything. You’ve done it all yourself.”
“Aly—”
“I said, go,” Alyssa repeated through gritted teeth and past the enormous lump in her throat.
Prince did. He hesitated, but eventually he did.
“I love you,” he said as he stepped off the porch of the house.
“No,” Alyssa said, “you don’t.”
And she had never known anything as certainly as she knew that.
*****
That was the last time she saw Prince. She had packed her things the very next day and told her parents she would leave early in order to get acquainted with the place. She knew they could tell she was running from what they thought was a mere breakup, but to their credit they never said anything about it to her.
The thought that, if Bennie Lenday was to keep his word (and he usually did), she would probably see Prince again tomorrow had her stomach in knots. Would she even recognize him? Would there be any trace of the boy she had loved left in the man who had grown up to be a Devil’s Fighter? And what would she say to him? What would he say to her?
Alyssa exhaled slowly, trying to get her emotions under control. She wondered if it was too late to arrange for a closed-door funeral. She pushed away the thought as fast as it had entered her mind; she couldn’t do that to her parents. They deserved a proper goodbye, and the people who had loved them deserved to be given the chance to pay their respects.
Love was a funny, dangerous thing, Alyssa decided. Here she was facing the prospect of having to deal with one of the most dangerous gangs in the territory, and she was worried about only one of its members.
She shuddered. Even after eight years, the thought of her Prince as a Devil’s Fighter gave her the chills. But that was exactly it, wasn’t it? He wasn’t her Prince anymore; he had not been hers in a very long time.
Alyssa didn’t like to admit it, but she still thought about him sometimes, in a very sexual way. Sometimes she would lay in bed and think of all the thi
ngs he used to do to her. Sure, they had not gone all the way, but that did not mean they had been idle. Eight years later, the memory of Prince’s touch on her skin was still very much vivid. If she concentrated hard enough, she could still taste his kiss. Sometimes, when she pleasured herself, she would picture him. She would conjure up his naked body on top of her, and she would imagine what it would feel like to have him inside her. She would hate herself afterwards, but in the moment Prince would give her some of the best orgasms of her life.
She shook her head and pulled herself forcefully back to the here and now. She was being ridiculous, irrational. None of that mattered right now. Not her shameful erotic fantasies, not her still-broken heart, not the Devil’s Fighters. Certainly not Prince Wheeler. All that mattered now was to give her parents as much of a dignified goodbye as she could arrange. They deserved to be remembered and celebrated for the extraordinary people they had been.
Alyssa unglued herself from the couch and—once again—sought the comforts of a shower. Just like the previous night, the hot water didn’t help wash unwanted thoughts away, and it certainly didn’t wash away any of her pain. But she held no illusions in that regard, and she showered quickly this time.
Craving to resume contact with her life and the outside world, she sat on the bed in the old bedroom and turned on her laptop. Checking her e-mails, she wasn’t surprised to find dozens of messages of condolences—from clients, colleagues, and friends. She spent the next hour or so replying to each one of them, spending as much time on a single message as she could, making her response as personal as she could. Despite the subject matter, it was ironically a menial task that took her mind off things for a blessed hour and ten minutes.
She also found a message by Lynn among them, which thankfully didn’t have the word “condolences” anywhere in it. It simply said:
“This is my e-mail address. Let’s not lose each other again.”
It was garnished with a smiley face at the end. Simple and to the point, and yet heartwarming.
Alyssa smiled. She picked up her cell phone from the nightstand and dialed Lynn’s number. Her call was picked up after the first ring—yet another sign that she had been a fool to cut ties with such a considerate friend.
“Alyssa? Is everything okay?” Lynn’s concerned voice filled her ear.
“Yeah,” Alyssa said. “I was just calling to thank you for the e-mail.”
“Oh, not at all.” A brief paused. “So, I know you’re probably tired of funeral talk, but I just wanted to reassure you everything’s ready over here.”
“Thank you,” Alyssa said sincerely. “I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.”
Lynn had offered to have the post-funeral reception at her diner, an offer which Alyssa had accepted gratefully; the thought of having it at her parents’ house was simply unnerving.
“It’s no problem,” Lynn said. “How are you holding up?”
Alyssa shrugged, even though she knew her friend couldn’t see her. “I’ll be glad when it’s all over and I can just focus on coping.”
“I understand,” Lynn said.
Alyssa hesitated, and then she suddenly decided that she had to share with someone who could remotely imagine what it all felt like. “Something happened this evening.”
“Oh?”
“I got a visit.”
A moment’s silence. “Shit,” Lynn said heartedly. “Prince?”
“God, no,” Alyssa said, shuddering at the mere thought. “I’d be much more of a mess if he had showed up.”
“Who, then?”
“Bennie Lenday.”
“Fuck. Are you okay? Do you want me to come over?”
Alyssa smiled. It felt good to be talking to someone who had more than a vague idea of what that name meant. “No, I’m fine,” she said. “Really. It’s just…he wanted to offer his condolences.”
“He can shove them up his ass.”
Alyssa laughed. She couldn’t help herself; Lynn’s indignation was too prompt and palpable. “That’s pretty much what I told him.”
“In those exact words?” Lynn asked worriedly.
“No,” Alyssa reassured. “But they want to come to the funeral tomorrow.”
“Who? The Devil’s Fighters?” Lynn sounded incredulous. “Are you kidding me?”
“He says my dad patched them up more than once. Apparently they’re grateful or something.”
“Well, shit. What are you going to do? Should we ask the police to keep them out?”
“Like that’s ever going to happen. Half of them are on Bennie’s payroll, you know that.”
“Yeah,” Lynn said bitterly.
Alyssa blew out a frustrated puff of breath. “I told him I don’t want them there—although I doubt he gives a rat’s ass what I want.”
“Come by the diner in the morning,” Lynn said. “Around seven-thirty, if you can. It’s usually quiet at that time on a Saturday. We’ll sit down and figure something out.”
Alyssa hesitated. “Lynn, I don’t want to involve you in this.”
“Nonsense,” Lynn said immediately. “I’m happy to help.”
“Thank you,” Alyssa said sincerely.
“Don’t mention it. Now go get some sleep; God knows you’re going to need to be sharp tomorrow.”
Alyssa smiled. “Hear, hear.”
They said their goodnights and hung up. Afterwards, Alyssa lay in bed in the dark for a very long time before sleep finally came. She had no idea how to keep Bennie Lenday and the Devil’s Fighters from doing anything they set their minds to do, but she would find a way. Like with many other things in Pinebrook, she didn’t have a choice.
Chapter Six
It was a never-ending afternoon. Defining the turnout at the funeral as “impressive” would be an enormous understatement. It seemed like the whole town had shown up. Alyssa always knew that—as a well-respected neurosurgeon who loved to take up extra shifts at the local E.R.—her father had been very popular. She also knew that her mother had helped countless of kids come out of their shell and express their full potential throughout her years of teaching at Pinebrook Primary School. But while suspecting about her parents’ popularity with the town’s people was one thing, getting to experience it firsthand was a different matter entirely.
Alyssa had spent the past eight years and especially the past three days cursing the town of Pinebrook with every fiber of her being, but as it turned out, that day the people of Pinebrook were unexpectedly the ones to bring her the comfort she so desperately needed. She was deeply touched by how eager they were to celebrate her parents’ life. She had heard about tragedy bringing people together, but she never knew what that meant until today.
To her surprise, the Devil’s Fighters did not attend; they contented themselves with sending a massive wreath of daisies and a note that Alyssa didn’t bother to read. She couldn’t decide whether the fact that they had eventually opted for not showing their faces made her feel better or worse. They weren’t invisible, like she would have wanted. Even though they were not physically there, they made sure their presence was registered. Bennie Lenday’s gesture may be masked as one of respect, but it was really a gesture of scorn. Alyssa could order the Devil’s Fighters out of her world all she wanted, but she was in Pinebrook, and it was still their territory whether she liked it or not. Throughout the ceremony, every time Alyssa looked at the wreath of daises by the open grave that would host her parents’ coffins, she wanted to throw up.
Throughout the day, she lost count of the times she heard the word “condolences.” She was starting to loathe that word. At the very least, unlike for a certain MC president, it meant something in those people’s mouths.
Alyssa braved it all as best as she could—the wake, the funeral, the reception. Packed in the relatively small space of Lynn’s diner—at least, smaller than the cemetery—the people seemed even more numerous than what she had estimated at first. It was overwhelming in more than one way, and by the time the mi
d-afternoon hours rolled along, Alyssa felt trapped.
She had to get out of there, but she knew she couldn’t go far. So she contented herself with sneaking out of the place and leaning against the wall of the building outside. She could still hear the buzzing of the voices coming from inside. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was still scorching hot out, and she deeply wished she wasn’t dressed all in black. She also wished she could have a cigarette right now, even though she had not smoked in ages.