by Belva Plain
“All right, let them buy me out. I own a quarter of Grey’s Foods, from orange groves to potato chips.”
“Have you discussed it with them?”
“Last month, with my cousin. My brother wasn’t there, not that it would have made any difference. They hang together. The answer was, naturally, no. The explanation? They haven’t got the cash to buy me out.”
“That makes sense,” Todd said. “They’d have to be twenty-five percent liquid, and nobody is.”
“That’s their problem. Let them get liquid. Otherwise, I’ll sell my shares to the highest bidder. I told Ian, and he almost had a fit. Over the telephone, I could actually feel his face reddening.”
“I don’t blame him. The spectre of strangers taking a quarter interest in a family-held firm would be enough to turn a man’s face red.” Todd looked thoughtful. “But I’m surprised they don’t have a buyout agreement to keep any member from doing just that.”
“Hah! They wanted one when my generation took over, but I’m the person who held out. They could have outvoted me, but they didn’t. The old man made them back off. I can be fierce when my rights are threatened. I will not be pushed around, Todd, I will not!” Indignation boiled. “As it is, the three men, the cousins and Dan—the men—get huge salaries. And I, the woman, what do I get?”
“Equal dividends,” Todd said promptly.
“I want my principal!”
“You’re not being reasonable, Amanda.”
She hardly heard him as she looked at her watch. “It’s seven back east. I’m going to call my brother right now. You can listen on the other extension.”
He declined. “No, I’ll go inside and turn on the television.”
Across the continent, the telephone rang. She imagined a room she had never seen. It probably had a view of the Adirondacks—those houses were practically in the Adirondacks—which now in April would scarcely be turning green. When the receiver was lifted, she heard a child’s angry scream, Dan’s voice saying, “Take her, Sally,” and then, “Hello.”
She plunged right in. “You can guess why I’m calling, can’t you?”
“I think I can.”
“Well, I went to see that property again today. And I want it, Dan. I really do. It’s magnificent.”
“I see it is. I read the prospectus that you sent with the photograph.”
“I thought I’d hear from you before this. I left two messages at your office.”
“It’s been about two weeks, I know, but I’ve had—some problems here. I’m sorry,” he apologized.
Dan’s even temper only increased her exasperation. “My project is important, Dan. I’m trying to bring life where there was death. Ian didn’t want to understand it. I’m hoping you will.”
“It’s a tremendous idea. But unfortunately, costs get in the way, as they do with most things. You—and we—simply can’t afford it.”
“Well, I could afford it if you paid me properly.”
“You get the same dividends we get, Amanda.”
“What about those lovely salaries you all have?”
“We work hard for them.”
“Because you’re male.” The instant she said it, she knew that it sounded peevish. But having begun, she had to continue. “Don’t you think I, a woman, am capable of working as hard and earning the same as all of you?”
“Of course you are. Just come do it and show us.”
“I don’t want to. I have a different goal. Buy me out and you’ll be rid of me.”
Dan’s sigh carried over the wire, yet he still spoke patiently. “No one wants to get rid of you. But your demands are unrealistic. We simply can’t afford to buy you out, and that’s the whole truth.”
“Then somebody else will do it. I’ve been inquiring around, and I’ve already gotten some rough figures from investment bankers.”
“Amanda, listen. Must I plead with you? Would you really want to bring in strangers and wreck this old firm that has, after all, done so well by you?”
“I don’t want to wreck it, Dan, but if that’s the only way I can accomplish my aim, then that’s how it will have to be.”
“Amanda, we’d have to sell off most of our plant to give you what you want. We’d be a wagon with three wheels. It’s impossible.”
“You could borrow the money.”
“And load ourselves with debt? I feel as if I’m being hit on both sides of my head at once. And it’s all greed that’s doing it.”
“Greed! I live here in three rooms, nice ones, yes, but I buy almost nothing for myself, everything else goes into my project, and you call me ‘greedy’?”
“Maybe you’re greedy for admiration. Why must your project be so grandiose?”
“ ‘Grandiose’! Nice talk from a brother. I had thought you’d stand up for me, not against me.”
“Don’t be foolish. I am not against you.” Dan sighed again; his patience was going. “God almighty!” he exclaimed. “Between you who want to buy a piece of California that you can’t afford, and Ian who wants to sell a piece of New York State that’s been in the family for the last two centuries, I’m about to lose my marbles.”
“Ian wants to sell?”
“Oh, he’s gotten involved with some foreign group that wants a few thousand acres of Grey’s Woods to build a new city. It’s wanton destruction, all to fill their pockets with money they don’t need.”
“Who are you to tell people what they need or don’t need? Personally, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea, assuming there’d be enough to take care of my needs.”
“Oh, yes.” Dan sounded bitter. “More than enough, I’d say.”
“Well, then I hope it goes through.”
“Streets and houses in a historic forest. Trees gone, habitat gone. Land that should go untouched to the state, to the public. I expected better of you, Amanda.”
“You may be concerned with deer and foxes or with trees, but I’m concerned about people.”
“You may have a different aim from Ian’s, but just now you sound like him, though it hurts me to say it.”
“So Ian and I have something in common! It looks as if, for different reasons, we’re on the same side, he and I.”
“With Clive and me holding the truncated tail of a great enterprise.”
“And a trunkful of cash, you’re forgetting.”
“That we don’t want, you’re forgetting. No,” Dan repeated, “I never expected this from you. Never.”
“It’s nothing I’d choose, believe me, but I have to look out for myself. If you don’t look out for your wants in this world, it’s a sure thing nobody else will, Dan.”
“I don’t agree with that at all.”
“Let me tell you—”
“Let’s talk another time, Amanda, may we?”
“Okay, I’m not pressing. The property I want is part of an estate, and it’ll be months before it’s settled. I’ve got an option on it till then. So I can wait for whatever happens on your end. As long as I get what I want, I don’t care how it’s done.”
“You’ll really have to excuse me, Amanda. Good night,” Dan said.
When she hung up, Todd came back to the room.
“Did you listen?” she asked.
“I told you I wasn’t going to. Do you really think I would do that without his knowing?”
“Sorry, I didn’t think. Sometimes I don’t think. Dan’s probably furious with me. I truly didn’t want to quarrel with my brother, and the child was carrying on—”
“For a person who didn’t want to quarrel, you did a thorough job. I couldn’t help but hear your end of the conversation, and it was pretty sharp.”
Rebuked, she felt the sting of two immediate tears on either side of her nose. Seeing them, Todd put his arms around her.
“I hate to see you this way. You’ve let that thing take hold of you and almost strangle you. It’s not worth it,” he said gently, smoothing the back of her head. “And if you destroy that business, you’ll r
eally be strangled, especially if—I heard you say something about ‘Ian,’ and I don’t know who he is—you take sides in whatever’s going on there back east. You’re not making sense, Amanda. You have cut yourself off from those people of yours, and you may end up losing your income, too.”
“You don’t know anything about it,” she mumbled.
“I know that you, for no matter how noble a reason, want something you can’t afford. Be sensible. Don’t be the odd man out. That’s sad.”
“Odd woman out, you mean,” she sniffed, raising her head. “Funny that it’s always the woman who’s asked to give in. Always.”
“Not always. Too often, maybe, but not this time, in my opinion.”
“Right now my opinion is the one that counts, though.”
“Ah, how you love to argue. You should have been the lawyer,” he said, laughing a little, pulling her close.
She knew he meant to calm and comfort her and she wanted his comfort, that masculine heat of which there is nothing more reassuring to a woman who loves. Over the past months she had come to rely on his presence in her life; often during the day she would feel, at thought of him, the tiny twitch of her own smile, or the sudden harsh jolt at his approach on the street, or at what she had mistaken for his approach; the mistake would only serve to remind her that in a few hours he would be with her again. And she knew as one knows, as every nerve and every speeding rational thought proclaims, that he was different from any who had gone before him, that he was the real, the real and final one.
And yet there were days and nights like this, when he was too positive and, no matter how gentle, too sure of himself, of his very power over her, robbing her of independence.
He raised her head to find her lips, which were closed; his, soft and persistent, were pressing hers to open. She was braced between the door and his body, demanding, swelling. His breath came faster.
“Come inside,” he murmured. “Come on, Amanda. Darling.”
She didn’t want to. Not now. It was humiliating, when her mind was so agitated and every nerve jumping. She wasn’t a pleasure machine, an engine to be turned on. Her hands pushed against his chest. Her face twisted away toward her shoulder.
“I can’t. No, Todd. Please. Not now. No!”
He let her go at once and stepped back, frowning.
“Not now? When, then? Christmas? Or is that too soon for you?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Todd.”
“It’s not so ridiculous. You haven’t been exactly loving lately.”
Of course. The male ego was hurt. God knows she hadn’t intended to hurt him, but she just wasn’t in the mood. Couldn’t he see that? Still, he considered himself rejected, so she must try to soothe him, to explain the turmoil that was in her.
“Please, Todd. I’ve had all this stuff on my mind. You said yourself that when a man is worried, he doesn’t feel passionate. Well, the same goes for a woman, doesn’t it?”
A cool silence crept into the room. For a few moments neither broke it. Then Todd walked away to stand at the window.
Help me, she thought. Todd, help me. I get this way. It comes on all of a sudden. Please, Todd, I love you. Help me.
There was a sadness in his posture, although he stood straight. Perhaps it was his stillness that was so sad. Impulsively she went to touch him, saying, “Todd, I’m sorry. It was only a mood. You do understand, don’t you? Another time. You know I always—”
She stopped, and he turned about, looking down at her with a troubled, soft expression.
“I know you always try, but you don’t feel anything. I know that, too.”
“That’s not true, not true!”
He shook his head, denying her denial. “You’re too angry inside, Amanda. You have to learn, or be taught …” he faltered. “I care about you so much, and that’s why I’m saying this.”
Again, he was lecturing, being the wiser, the mature advisor, and, however smoothly, dominating. Always, always, things were spoiled that way. Unless, for once, he—somebody—would give in.
“You really love me?”
“You know I do.”
“Then will you help me?”
“If I can, I will.”
“Take this case for me.”
“What case?”
“The inevitable lawsuit.”
“Surely you aren’t going to sue your brother?”
“The firm. All of them, if I don’t get some sort of satisfaction before this property goes on the market for somebody else to grab.”
His astonishment chastised her. Then he said, “I’m seeing something in you that isn’t pretty. It’s hard, and not worthy of you.”
“ ‘Hard’! I’m hard? That’s a queer thing to say about me, of all people.”
“No. You’re doing wrong, Amanda. And in the long run, you’ll destroy yourself.”
“Not if my lawyer proves capable.”
“I’m talking about morals. It’s morally wrong, and if you don’t see it now, you will see it someday. You have been fairly treated, I have to tell you so. You have no grounds for a lawsuit, none at all.”
“Then you won’t take the case?”
His expression was very stern now, too stern. “No, I won’t take the case.”
“That’s what you call ‘helping’ me?”
“It really is helping you if you think about it.”
“I am thinking about it. You could take it even without agreeing with me, couldn’t you? Lawyers make their living that way, don’t they? I’m sure you’ve argued on behalf of people who you know are guilty. And I’m not guilty of anything.”
“That’s a silly argument. I’m only advising you not to do something you’ll regret. You can be very stubborn, Amanda.”
“Because I don’t want to take your advice, I’m stubborn. Because I’m a woman.”
“When you get this ‘woman’ chip on your shoulder, it’s ridiculous. This lawsuit that you want to file has nothing to do with what sex you are.”
He had an expression, a tightening of the lips and a lowering of the eyelids, that was quite unfamiliar. She thought at once, he doesn’t like me. Everything had gone bad. The symptoms had been there all day. They had been sliding downhill, the two of them, and while seeing the inevitable wreck at the bottom, had been unable to stop. And in some crazy way unwilling to stop?
Now it was necessary to be totally honest, to know where they were.
“No,” she said, “I think, I think it has very much to do with sex in the literal sense.”
“You’re far too intelligent to believe that’s all it is. It’s far, far deeper and I am terribly, terribly confused.”
There was such a pain in her chest, a real pain that was almost taking her breath.
“I think it’s because I didn’t feel like making love just now. That’s why you’re angry, Todd.”
He looked away at the Bonnard on the wall, at the uncomplicated countryside under the empty sky.
“Yes, I suppose you could say it was symbolic. It has been rather difficult for us lately, hasn’t it? Because you have to admit that, haven’t you?”
They were almost there now, at the wreck at the bottom of the hill. Yet, she would not, could not admit it before him. And she said bitterly, “I guess there’s nothing more for us to talk about, is there?”
“If you would only unlock the lovely woman who’s locked up inside you, there would be. Can’t you try, Amanda?”
His hand was on his briefcase, which lay on the chest by the door. Yes, she thought, he is waiting for some “feminine” response, for some sweet submission, for a request to leave or a plea to stay. If only she were able to put her arms out, to cry Please, please, don’t leave me, I love you. But that would be loss of autonomy and loss of all pride. It was what men expected of you.…
And besides, very probably after all this, he did not really want to stay. No use, she thought; when it’s over, it’s over. There’s no sense in prolonging the agony.
; And he answered her silence. “Thank you for dinner.”
“You’re welcome.”
At the door, he turned back, and with an expression that was half reproving and half pleading, said very gently, “Take care of yourself, Amanda. Don’t waste yourself.” The door closed quietly.
The first thing I ever asked of him, she thought, and the answer was no. He wanted to control her. As soon as he saw that she wouldn’t be controlled, he bowed out.
When the first wave of wrenching sobs was past, it was already dark. She had no idea of the time, just sat quite still by the window.
She had lost him. It was as sure as sure can be that he would not come back. For, as it now appeared, he had been having his doubts anyway. Oh, why had she embroiled him in an affair that was really not his concern? After all, she could find a dozen lawyers when the time came who would be eager to take a case against Grey’s Foods. It had been stupid of her. Stupid.
But he had hurt her, humiliated her with the revelation: You try, but you don’t feel it. Clive had to smile at the So he had known all along! How could he have known? She always tried so hard to respond as one was supposed to.…
All men thought of, when you came down to it, was sex. They didn’t want to know you, the human being that was you.
She thought back over her conversation with Dan. She hadn’t meant to hurt him tonight. He was the last person in the world she’d want to hurt. There was such a sweetness in him! Even though anyone could see at once how quick and smart he was, there was still that sweetness, a trust and honesty that seemed to her almost boyish. Her baby brother, only a handful of years and also light-years younger than she! Lucky the girl who had married him. And her mind went back to that day when everything was white: the clapboard country church, the bride on Dan’s arm with her swooping skirt and the veil strung out in the white, blossom-filled wind. Let everything always be good for them both, she had prayed.
But he had said tonight that he had problems. He’d sounded stressed, with voices in the background, the child’s voice screaming. Domestic troubles … Divorce? Oh, please not. All the business about the forest? Grey’s Woods, they called it in the town.
Grey’s Woods. Black miles and the lonely wind blowing at the window all night, all night … Abruptly, she stood up, sliding Sheba to the floor. Far below across the city, the glitter was dimming as thousands got ready for night. And among the thousands, there was no one.