“I get releases later on. Our sex life is healthy. It’s not like I’m deprived or anything.”
My cheeks heated. Hearing them talk so casually about sex made me feel like a prude and I was anything but.
“That moment when you wake up from your nightmare, you need the peace and calm of your wife’s body. Use it. Embrace it. As long as it’s safe, sane and consensual, there is nothing wrong with waking her up to appease your ache.”
“I told him no the night before our wedding,” I said and explained what had happened.
“Evvie is right actually, Brett.” Dr. Santos nodded, his chocolate gaze warming and looking at me proudly. “An addiction is an addiction. Doesn’t matter if it’s to alcohol, drugs or sex. You’re still addicted. Now in your case, it’s not overtly a problem because you are only having sex with your wife.”
“She’s enough for me,” Brett said, kissing the back of my hand.
“Good. Now, I know it’s hard and I can say this from experience, giving up control is difficult but sometimes you need to.”
Brett looked away, his gaze lowering to our joined hands. “What if I can’t?”
“Take things slow. This doesn’t need to be dealt with right away, Brett.”
“That’s what I tried telling him,” I said, brushing my thumb over the back of Brett’s hand. “He’s terrified of hurting me, which I appreciate, but I want to help him anyway that I can.”
“Clearly, your wife is not fragile.”
Brett grunted. “Not at all. But I know I can be rough and even though she,” he cleared his throat. “likes it, I don’t want to hurt her.”
Dr. Santos nodded in my direction. “Are you worried, Evvie?”
I chewed my bottom lip and looked between the two men.
“Tell him, Evvie,” Brett whispered in my ear. “Tell him how much you like the sting of my palm and the bite of my belt.”
A slow grin spread on my face. “I don’t want to scare the poor guy.”
Brett chuckled. “Somehow, I doubt that’ll happen.”
“It would take a lot to scare me, Evvie,” Dr. Santos replied, his mouth turning up into a smile.
“I have a question,” I said, my heart racing against my ribs. I didn’t know how he would react but I needed to get it off my chest.
“Ask away.”
“I...” I cleared my throat. Maybe it was a bad idea. “Never mind.”
“Ask him,” Brett said, cupping the back of my neck.
“What if he thinks I’m a freak?” I asked, playing with Brett’s gold wedding band.
“Dr. Santos, I’ve had the urge to mix pain with pleasure for as long as I can remember.”
My eyes widened at Brett’s admission.
“The need to have a woman whimpering beneath me as I slap her ass or grip her throat, excites and satisfies me,” Brett said, looking down at our joined hands. “When I realized Evvie liked what I gave her, I think I fell in love with her more.”
I smiled as he gave me the courage to talk about my desires. “Thank you.”
Brett placed a hard kiss on my lips before nipping my ear. “You owe me.”
And I knew exactly how he would make me repay him.
“I don’t care what anyone says, you are not a freak, Evvie.”
I frowned at the harsh tone of Dr. Santos’ voice but my body felt like a weight had been lifted off of it. Knowing that there was nothing wrong with me, made me feel better.
“A masochist can be in many forms. Some need pain to get off. Some turn into masochists because they were abused as children. Some turn into Sadists,” Dr. Santos said, looking at Brett. “I’m not a sex therapist by any means but from experience, I can tell you that what you crave is completely normal.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “I never experienced any of this until Brett. I’ve begged for him to…to hurt me.”
He nodded. “That’s normal, and as your husband, Brett should be willing to help quench your dark thirst.”
“And I am. Very willing.” Brett grabbed my hand and kissed my ring finger. “As your husband, your best friend, your lover...I am willing to do anything to make you happy, Evvie. I will curb those cravings. I will please those desires.”
“Thank you. Both of you.” I wiped the tear under my eye.
“Now, Brett. I want you back in after your honeymoon.”
We said goodbye to Dr. Santos and walked hand in hand to Brett’s car. There was a lift in my step and although everything wasn’t fine and well, we had each other. And with that, we could get through anything that life threw at us.
***
“Evvie, wake up.”
I frowned at the deep voice in my ear and rolled onto my back. Warm liquid ran between my legs, coating my inner thighs. At first I thought it was Brett’s semen but the sharp cramp in my lower abdomen let me know it was something different. Something was wrong. Very very wrong.
I met Brett’s gaze and frowned.
His brows were furrowed, his eyes dark with concern. “You’re bleeding.”
TWENTY-FOUR
Brett held my hand as I laid in the hospital bed and waited. I had no idea what was going on or why I would be bleeding the way I was. I tried convincing Brett that I was fine but he was adamant that I get checked out. The mess I made of our bed was embarrassing but also concerning.
“You’re in good hands, Evvie. Don’t be scared,” Brett whispered in my ear.
But I was. My mother died of ovarian cancer when I was a child. I had every right to be terrified. “Brett, what if it’s something horrible?”
He brushed his hand up and down my arm. “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”
I nodded.
A moment later a tall man in white walked into the room. His green eyes were warm and a small smile splayed on his older face. “Hello Mr. and Mrs. MacLean. I’m Dr. Boe.”
We both shook his hand and waited as he sat at the foot of the bed. “You were bleeding, Evvie?”
“Yes, my husband woke me up because it was so much,” I responded, gripping Brett’s hand tight in my own.
He nodded and lifted the blanket. “Let’s find out what’s going on.” He asked me about my family history while he examined me and I told him about my mom. I had never been concerned before when it came to anything health related but now, I made a mental note to make yearly appointments with my doctor for a physical.
“When was your last period?”
I thought a moment and looked at Brett before turning back to the doctor. I couldn’t remember. “I...I don’t know.”
Dr. Boe nodded again. “Are you on the pill?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever been checked for endometriosis?”
I frowned. “No. Is that what I have?”
“We’ll run some more tests to confirm.” He pulled off the white hospital gloves and sat back. His eyes saddened when he looked at me.
Brett’s grip in my hand tightened. “What is it?”
My heart raced. I knew it. Something was bad. All these thoughts raced through my mind. Was it cancer? Did I have what my mom did?
“You’re having a miscarriage.”
A laugh escaped my lips. “Excuse me?”
“I’m so sorry.”
Tears welled in my eyes. My neck heated. I could feel Brett staring at me but all I could do was gape at the doctor. “I’m on the pill. How...how is that possible?” my voice cracked.
“The pill isn’t 100%, Evvie.”
My chest constricted and I took deep breaths. I was pregnant and I didn’t even know it. My baby. “Our baby.” A sob left me on a wail. I cried so hard, my body shook. My muscles tightened as I gripped my lower belly.
“I’ll give you some time. Brett, come get me when she’s ready,” the doctor said between my cries.
Tears flowed down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe I was pregnant and losing the baby. Finding out I was carrying Brett’s child and losing it all at once made gut wrenching sobs shake through
me.
“I’m here, Evvie. Let it out,” Brett whispered into my ear, his voice cracking.
“Brett, I can’t...oh Brett. Our baby.” I curled into a ball, wrapping the blanket up and around me. I couldn’t deal.
Warm arms wrapped me. “You’re strong. We’ll get through this.”
I sniffed and wiped under my eyes before sitting up. “I’m so sorry.”
His brows furrowed. “Don’t you dare apologize for this.”
I looked away when a heavy hand grabbed my chin.
“Look at me.”
Tears filled my eyes but I couldn’t meet his gaze. I was losing his baby when another woman who he couldn’t stand was possibly carrying his.
“Look at me, damn it.”
I bristled at Brett’s harsh one but met his gaze.
He cupped my cheeks. “You’re going to listen to me and you’re going to listen to me good. Do you understand me?”
I sighed. “Brett.”
“Do you understand me?”
My jaw clenched. “Yes. I understand you.”
“Good. Now, Evvie.” He cleared his throat. “My sweet darling beautiful wife. You are fucking amazing. The strongest person I know. We will get through this. You will get through this.” His eyes filled with unshed tears. “I know this is hard. I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through right now but I am here. For you.”
A hard lump formed in my throat. “But the baby.”
“A half an hour ago we didn’t even know we were pregnant. I’m sorry for being a dick and for putting it harshly but, Evvie—”
“I want your baby. It makes me sick to my stomach that Claire could be carrying yours. If I have this endometriosis thing, who knows if I can even have babies,” I cried, shoving out of his grip.
He frowned. “You are my wife. My wife is not a quitter. I love you and I am sorry that this happening. If we can’t have babies naturally, we’ll adopt. I will give you a baby. Do not fucking doubt me. Either way, I will make it my life mission to make it so you can be a mother.”
At that moment, I burst into tears. “I...” I hiccupped.
“Shhh...” Brett brushed a hand over my hair, holding me tight against him. His body shook, letting out his own silent cries.
I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped his shirt tight in my hands.
“If Claire’s baby is mine, which I doubt it is...”
I looked up at him and angrily wiped my cheeks. “You…you don’t think it’s yours?”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to get your hopes up but I have a feeling it’s not.” His cheeks reddened. “I had a dream that it wasn’t. Something told me that the only baby I would have, would be with you.”
I sniffed and let out a heavy sigh. “To have this gift and then it be ripped from us…it’s breaking my heart.”
“I know, Evvie.” Brett cupped the back of my neck and placed a tender kiss on my forehead, letting his lips linger.
“I just…people every day take advantage of this. Your mom was giving the greatest gift a woman could receive and look at what she did.” Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks, dripping off my chin.
“My mother is a monster. That’s why I never wanted children. I thought it was genetic and I didn’t want my children to be raised like I was.”
I looked up at him. “You would never abuse your children.”
The corners of his lips tugged into a small smile. “I know that now. I always thought my temper would control me but when I met you…when I fell in love with you and realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I was damn determined to never be like my mother. I would be like my step mother and my father. The love they had for my sister and I was how parents should be with their children.” His voice became thick, his eyes welling over. That time, he didn’t seem angry that he was emotional. He let the tears flow.
We held each other for what seemed like an eternity. Softly crying as one.
Wiping the tears from under my eyes, I placed a soft peck on his lips. If the baby wasn’t his, then it would be my brother’s. Either way, I would love it. I would have to.
“You ready for the doctor now?” he asked, his voice softening.
I nodded.
Brett let the doctor in and joined me back on the bed.
“We offer counseling if you need to speak with anyone.”
I shook my head, telling him about Dr. Santos. Dr. Boe explained to us what it was and also gave us hope. He had heard of many women getting pregnant while having the disease and giving birth to healthy beautiful babies. My heart lifted at that but I was still hurt that God would give me a gift and take it away so suddenly. I couldn’t help but think that I was being punished. I was a good girl growing up. I graduated high-school, worked full time and was polite to everyone. Yes, I stopped going to church but that was only because it was too hard without my mom there. Having such a commitment to the church, everywhere in the small building reminded me of her. Was God punishing me for my lack of attendance?
“Lover.”
I wasn’t a virgin when I got married. Did God take away our baby because of that?
“Evvie. Stop.”
I shook my head, tears flowing down my face as silent sobs tore through my body.
“Stop blaming yourself, my sweet Evvie.”
I stared out the window as Brett and the doctor talked. I could feel them looking at me every so often.
“Will you please check her to make sure she’s fine?” Brett asked as he rubbed a hand over my back in small circles.
“I’m fine,” I mumbled. Several emotions rattled through me, knocking the breath out of me every chance they could. Pain, sadness, guilt…my body felt heavy but I couldn’t shake the moment of depression as it settled deep inside of me.
“Check her.”
I huffed. “Brett.”
“No. We need to make sure that you are healthy,” he argued.
“I don’t care about me,” I snapped.
“Well I do.” Brett pinched my chin. “We can always make new babies. We can’t make a new Evvie. What would I do without you? I’ll tell you. Nothing. Wanna fucking know why? Because I would die if something happened to you.”
My eyes burned. “But—”
“No,” he growled. “I told you before and I’ll say it again. Without you, I am nothing. I don’t exist.”
He held me tight against him as I cried, again. Help me. Help us. Help us get through this. Help us be strong. Help me be strong for Brett.
The doctor did one final exam on me, giving me the go ahead to leave. “One last thing, did you have a head trauma recently or a fall of some sort?”
Brett and I looked at each other.
“Yes, a head trauma,” Brett said, squeezing my hand.
“That could be a reason for the loss as well.”
I gasped. Diane. She did this. She made me lose our baby. Because of her, the greatest gift that could ever have been given to me was ripped from my very being.
Her sick twisted mind that wanted a grip on my husband caused him to lose a piece of himself.
“We’ll deal with this,” was all Brett said.
We thanked the doctor for the information as Brett pulled me to my feet. The doctor said his goodbyes and gave his sympathies. I nodded and allowed Brett to help me get dressed. I was in a daze, a trance like state. One moment I was happy after spending the night making love to my husband and then now, it was all ripped from me. From us.
***
Over the next couple of weeks, I had the nagging feeling that I would fall into a deep depression since losing Brett’s baby. We cancelled our honeymoon, pushing it back a month. Mathis was a good man and understood. He ended up telling Brett that he would chop off his balls if he saw us in Vegas before then.
Since the miscarriage, Brett hadn’t even attempted to make love to me. Not until I was ready. I could sense the control vibrating through him and the need for me but I hadn’t wanted sex…not u
ntil now. Finally. At first, I thought I was broken. Dr. Santos told me that my body went through a trauma. It was protecting itself.
“You sleeping, lover?”
I smiled as soft kisses trailed over my shoulder blades. “Not anymore.” Yes, please. I am so ready for you now, my husband. I could have said those words out loud but I knew he would rather me show him with my body so I just waited.
“Good.”
I looked back at Brett. “What are you doing?”
He grinned and turned me onto my back. “I’m showing you how much I love you. It’s been a couple of weeks, my sweet Evvie.”
My skin flushed. “I’m sorry.”
He kissed my forehead. “Never apologize. I understand. I was going to wait awhile longer but you…” His gaze heated. “You were moaning my name in your sleep.”
My breath caught in my throat. “Really?”
He brushed a hand down the length of my body. “I want to make love to your body. I want to be tender and give you what I know you want and need from me.”
“You do?” I asked, frowning.
He chuckled. “Surprised?”
“Yes, I am actually,” I said and watched as he knelt between my legs.
“Why?”
“Because…” I chewed my bottom lip. I didn’t know how to respond without offending him.
“I’m always rough?” he asked, grabbing hold of my hand and placing a soft kiss on my knuckles.
“Yes.”
His deep sapphire eyes twinkled. “Complaining?”
“No, never. I just—”
“I’m teasing.” He laughed. “I knew what you meant, Evvie.”
I let out a breath of relief. What had gotten into him? Since everything that had happened over the past couple of weeks, I couldn’t help but feel like our relationship would never be normal.
“As much as I enjoy seeing my marks on your beautiful skin after I take you rough, right now…” He licked his bottom lip.
My insides melted at that small movement.
He winked. “I’m going to savour you.”
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