Kayla bit down on her lip and resolved not to let this come between them. “You’re right, I’m sorry. Let’s just see what the officers find. Maybe someone saw him here or his truck or anything else that might resolve this. If they can get enough for an arrest, I think the judge would push the order.” She placed her hand on Jackie’s thigh, needing to feel the warmth of her body to quell the chill that had settled between them. “Right now, let’s just finish this so we can get out of here.” Uncertainty knotted in her throat as she realized Jackie might not want her to go back to the apartment with her. “Unless you’d rather I didn’t.”
Jackie jerked as if something had struck her. “What? No. You can’t stay here. Of course I want you to come back to my place.”
Kayla was relieved. She didn’t understand this sudden need for Jackie to want her, this unrealistic fear that Jackie might walk out of her life. She admitted her feelings for Jackie had grown over the weeks since they’d met but something had shifted, and she had feelings stirring that she would have to analyze more closely later.
“Okay.” Kayla sighed.
Jackie took Kayla’s hand. The urge to protect her was so strong she struggled not to clench her fist. The feel of Kayla’s skin against hers was enough to hold her fear at bay, for now. She needed to take Kayla home. She needed to hold her, feel her body next to her, be inside her, and fall asleep with her in her arms. Maybe then she could silence the haunting memories from her past that bit into her skin like a thousand pricks of a knife.
Jackie was quiet on the drive back to her apartment as she tried to sort her thoughts and feelings into past and present. She jerked when Kayla reached across the distance and touched her arm.
“Want to tell me what you’re thinking about? You’re so tense your muscles are like stone.”
Jackie let out a breath. “I can’t help but imagine what could have happened if you’d been home when he came looking for you.”
Kayla’s fingers squeezed lightly against her arm but provided little comfort. She knew Kayla was frightened and she didn’t want to add to everything she was already dealing with. Kayla’s hand was cold against her skin. She took Kayla’s hand in her own and laced their fingers together, lifting Kayla’s hand to her lips and brushing a kiss across her knuckles. “Are you cold?”
Kayla’s voice was barely a whisper when she answered, “I don’t know.”
Jackie felt a slight tremble in Kayla’s hand. Instinctively she slowed the car and pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store. She stopped the car and looked at Kayla, trying to see her eyes through the dim light.
“Hey. You’re safe now. I’ve got you.” She slid her hand around the back of Kayla’s neck and worried her fingers across the tense muscles. “I’m sorry I was being a blockhead. I know this isn’t easy and I’m not helping with my brooding.”
She stroked Kayla’s cheek, struck by how fragile her smooth skin was beneath her touch.
“This feels like it’s personal to you somehow,” Kayla said, pressing her cheek into the palm of Jackie’s hand.
Jackie held her breath, not wanting to bring her past into Kayla’s world. “You are personal to me.”
“No.” Kayla shook her head. “It’s more than that. This feels like an old pain. What happened to you?”
“It was a long time ago. It’s not important now.”
“Everything about you is important to me. If we are going to keep doing this, we have to start trusting each other.”
Kayla’s words were incongruous with everything Jackie had ever known. “It’s late. Let’s get back to the apartment. We can talk there.”
Jackie brushed her thumb across Kayla’s lips and forced herself to smile. Before she could put the car in drive Kayla spoke and the words made her heart ache.
“What did he do?”
Jackie gripped the steering wheel so tight it groaned in protest. She clenched her teeth until her jaw ached. She was frozen in that moment, unable to move.
Kayla reached across Jackie and shut off the car. Hesitantly she placed her hand over Jackie’s, coaxing her to let go of the wheel. “Whatever happened,” Kayla whispered, “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Jackie loosened her hand on the wheel and let it fall to her lap. It was hard to breathe, as if someone was sitting on her chest. She swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump that had formed in her throat. She tried to speak but her mouth was dry and it felt like her tongue was glued to the roof of her mouth.
“He was more than just the average drunk,” she said, hearing her voice as if hearing it from far away. She paused and swallowed again. “Not just a drunk, but an angry drunk, a cruel man.”
Jackie took a shuddering breath. “He liked to control people through fear. I learned what set him off most of the time and did everything I could to keep him happy when he was drinking, but it was never enough. Sometimes it was like a sport to him. He liked to beat on my mother, and when she was gone he created sick games to play using me as bait for his dogs. He’d lock me in cages and hoist me into trees and have his dogs tree me. I would spend hours suspended in the air while they growled and barked and leapt into the air trying to get to me. They would hit the cage and bite at me with gnashing teeth. He would sit nearby laughing, sometimes shooting into the air above my head.”
Jackie fought to regain control. She couldn’t believe she was telling Kayla this. Part of her wanted to tell her, needed to say the words, but the anger was boiling up from the past, spilling over like an overheated pot on a stove.
“So you can say I have a little experience with guys like Mike. I know what he’s capable of,” Jackie snapped.
“I’m so sorry, Jackie.”
“I’m sure it’s a story you’ve heard a thousand times in your practice.”
“This is about you, and that’s not the same thing.”
“Well, I don’t want you digging around in my past like I’m one of your clients. I’m tired and hungry and I’m ready to go home.”
Kayla winced. Jackie was being harsh because she was too raw to temper her anger. She was glad when Kayla didn’t push any further, but guilt quickly began to pick at her brain. She just couldn’t handle the questions right now.
“Okay. You don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want. I think food is a good idea. Maybe we could do takeout—I’m not much in the mood to cook now.”
Jackie started the car, aware of the hurt in Kayla’s voice and the cool distance between them.
Chapter Sixteen
Kayla woke to a faint buzzing sound. At first she thought she’d imagined it, but there it was again. She shifted from under Jackie’s arm, cradling her possessively around her waist. Trying not to wake Jackie, Kayla slid out of bed and went to the dresser across the room. Her phone lay next to her wallet and her keys. As if on cue, her phone buzzed and Kayla picked it up before the sound of the vibration could wake Jackie. They’d had a tough night and she didn’t want to get things stirred up again.
The screen was covered with text messages. Kayla clasped a hand over her mouth to stifle the gasp. The messages were from a number she didn’t recognize, but it was clear who they were from.
Kayla pulled on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt and left the room, glancing once at Jackie before closing the door behind her. She read through the messages, her concern growing with each one. Mike was clearly unraveling and she feared he could be a danger to himself and most certainly someone else, and right now that someone else was her.
She considered who to call first. The police? Jen? Thank God, Mike hadn’t followed her to Jackie’s. She didn’t want to imagine Jackie having to deal with any of this mess. She had already been through enough. Kayla listened as the phone rang, waiting for the call to go through. She glanced nervously down the hall, but heard no sound from the bedroom.
“Hello?” A sleepy voice said through the phone.
“Jen. Hey, it’s me.”
“Kayla? What’s up? Uh…what
time is it?”
“It’s three in the morning, sweetie. We need to talk.”
*
At five thirty, Kayla heard the bedroom door open. She looked up to see Jackie padding down the hall toward her in a pair of boxers and a T-shirt held out in front of her as she fumbled to get the garment on over her head.
Kayla’s heart warmed with simple adoration at the sight of Jackie so rumpled. When Jackie looked up, Kayla didn’t miss the confusion and concern in her eyes.
“Hey,” Jackie said as she fell onto the sofa beside Kayla to brush a kiss against her cheek. “What are you doing up?”
“I had some things I needed to settle first thing this morning and I didn’t want to wake you.”
Kayla ran her fingers across Jackie’s cheek, pulled her head down against her chest, and played her hands through the silken strands of Jackie’s tousled hair. Jackie was so warm, so strong, so right in her arms. Kayla closed her eyes and drew in the unique scent she had grown to know was purely Jackie, a hint of sunshine and sea air.
“I’m sorry I was such a bear last night. I’m sorry I upset you,” Jackie said as she nuzzled against Kayla until she managed to have her head in Kayla’s lap. A mischievous grin played at the corners of her mouth as her fingers worked beneath Kayla’s T-shirt.
Kayla moaned when Jackie’s lips brushed the tender skin of her stomach and played circles around her navel with her tongue. She relished the closeness and feared how much she had to lose. Her muscles tensed when Jackie’s thumb rubbed across her nipple.
“Hmm,” Jackie mumbled against Kayla’s flesh. “What time do you have to go in today?”
Kayla brushed her fingers through Jackie’s hair, bracing herself for Jackie’s response to what she was about to tell her. “I’m taking the day off. I leave for the conference tomorrow, so I thought I’d use the time to pack and”—Kayla sucked in her breath as Jackie gave her breast a squeeze—“stuff.”
Jackie chuckled. “Stuff? Is that a technical term in the psychology world these days?”
“Uh-huh.”
Jackie’s hands stilled and she pulled away, looking up at Kayla questioningly. “You didn’t say anything about this yesterday. What changed? Don’t get me wrong—I’m happy you’re staying away, considering what happened last night. I just never imagined you would.”
Kayla sobered, trying to think of how she should answer the question. She considered not telling Jackie about the text messages or her conversation with one of the detectives she knew, but that wasn’t how she worked and Jackie meant too much to her not to tell her the truth.
“I’ve been on the phone most of the night putting together a safety plan on how to deal with Mike.”
Jackie stiffened and Kayla’s heart ached for what this was doing to Jackie.
“What kind of safety plan?”
Kayla closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes she met Jackie’s questioning gaze. This wasn’t going to be easy and she wasn’t sure how Jackie was going to react. She was afraid this might be too much for Jackie. She could lose her.
“I think Mike has escalated into a pattern of classic stalking behavior. So I’m having my cell number transferred to the police department. They’ll receive all my calls and any other messages I might get from Mike. I considered changing the number, but that sort of thing typically causes further escalation. As long as he thinks I’m receiving the messages and he can contact me when he wants, there’s less risk he’ll escalate further for now. This way we can monitor his behavior and not give away the distance I’m putting between him and me.”
Jackie took Kayla’s hand and stared at her palm as if it would reveal her secrets. When Jackie didn’t say anything, Kayla continued.
“When Jen left, she shut off the only phone number he had for her. Not being able to reach her pushed him to go after me.” Kayla sighed and picked up her phone. “I discovered these after you were asleep last night.” Kayla handed Jackie the phone.
Jackie studied the screen, scrolling through the myriad of messages. By the time she finished reading, her hand was shaking. She tossed the phone onto the table. The explosive clatter might as well have been a gun going off.
“Son of a bitch!”
Jackie stood and paced across the floor, pushing her fingers roughly through her hair. Halfway across the room she stopped abruptly. “Why is this guy still out there? Why hasn’t he been arrested? Surely this is enough for the police to pick him up.”
“They don’t know where he is. He’s off the grid for now. The police have been looking for him all night.”
“Fuck!” Jackie resumed pacing. “So you’re telling me this guy’s out there waiting to get his hands on you and there’s nothing we can do?”
Kayla shook her head. “For now I’m going to keep a low profile. I won’t go anywhere he would expect me to be. I’ve notified my work and they’re taking their own precautions. Jen knows too.”
Jackie clenched and unclenched her fists several times. At last she seemed to settle on one thought and froze. “Are you still going to the conference?” Jackie said in a trembling voice.
Kayla sighed heavily. Her lungs were tight as if they were filling with sand. The fatigue and stress weighed heavily on her. “I’m hoping they catch him before then.”
“And if they don’t?” Jackie pushed.
“I don’t know. I need to go.”
“Kayla, that’s not much time. You can’t go. You’ll be a target. Did he know about the conference? Was Jen supposed to go too?”
“Yes,” Kayla answered, bracing for the verdict that would seal her fate.
The roar in Jackie’s ears made it difficult to think. How could this be happening? “Please don’t go. Promise me you won’t put yourself in this guy’s path.”
Jackie wasn’t afraid to beg. She had begged her mother all those years ago to leave, to get them both away from her father, but her mother hadn’t listened, and it might have cost her her life. Jackie cringed at the memory.
“I promise to do what I can to make sure everyone is safe,” Kayla answered.
Jackie heard the conditions in Kayla’s words. Then she heard her mother’s voice making her own excuses for her decisions. He doesn’t mean it. I just have to do better. I’ll make sure I don’t make him angry anymore. I can make it better.
Jackie let all her defenses fall. “My dad used to threaten to kill my mother if I didn’t do what he said, or if I told anyone about the things he did. For years he would come home drunk and throw our dinner out the back door, yelling that it wasn’t what he wanted or the temperature wasn’t right, any excuse he could think of to be angry. At first he only hit my mother. As I got older he would come after me if she wasn’t around. When I was eight, I came home from a friend’s house and found him beating my mother on the living room floor. She was crying, begging him to stop. Blood covered her face. I screamed at him to stop. I hit him with my fists. I finally kicked him in the face and he rolled off her cursing and holding his bloody nose.”
Jackie rubbed her face. “I tried to get her to leave him. We did once, for a while, but he wouldn’t stop. He’d show up at her work until her manager finally let her go because he was scaring the customers. She tried to have him arrested, but by the time the police would show up, he’d be gone, or he’d act all nice so the police would let him go. With no job we couldn’t afford a place to live, so she ended up going back to him. He told us we had nowhere to go, that no one cared about us, that we better shape up or he wouldn’t be so nice the next time.”
Kayla moved closer and took her hand. Jackie stared at Kayla’s hand caressing hers. Would she be strong enough to hold it together now that the dam had broken, now that her past was exposed?
Jackie trembled. She closed her eyes against the memories playing out in her mind. “When I was twelve, my mother disappeared. I thought she’d finally had enough and left me to get away from my father. I don’t know if she did or not. I can’t be sure,
but I don’t believe she did. I believe she stayed too long. I believe things got out of hand while I was away at camp, and he killed her.”
Kayla’s grip on her hand tightened.
“He used to tell me I was next. That if I didn’t act right, I’d get what my mother got. He’d laugh at me when I’d ask him what happened to her. He’d just say if he told me, he’d have to kill me.”
Kayla was about to be sick. She couldn’t imagine what Jackie’s childhood had been like. She didn’t want to think of Jackie enduring such pain. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t do it again, Kayla. Don’t do this.”
“I can’t run away from this. This is different.”
“How can you be such a hypocrite? You make a big deal of me jumping into a pool of water or putting myself out there to feel an adrenaline rush, things that make me feel alive, but then you won’t even take yourself out of a situation that could get you killed. Do you think this makes you some kind of hero or martyr? Well, I think it makes you a fool. I can’t be a part of this.”
Kayla swallowed. Jackie’s words stung. She understood what Jackie was telling her. She couldn’t imagine what Jackie had gone through as a child and she didn’t want to be the reason Jackie was reliving that pain now. But how could she make the nightmare stop? She reached for Jackie. Jackie pulled away. Kayla wanted to reassure her, she wanted to take her pain inside herself, and she wanted to protect her so she would never hurt again. But she couldn’t do any of those things.
“Look, we still have time. They might find him.”
“And if they don’t?” Jackie’s words were like ice.
Kayla chewed her lip. She didn’t have the answer Jackie wanted to hear. “I need to go to my house and get some things today. I know you’re upset with me, but will you come with me?”
Jackie shook her head. “That’s the last place you need to be right now.”
“It’s my home. I can’t stay away forever. I just need a few minutes.”
Jackie sighed. “Fine, I’ll go. I’m sure you’d just do it anyway.”
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