“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I just… I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you.”
“Have you ever seen someone about it?” she questions quietly. I shake my head and the action has her jaw clenching together. “You’re a coward,” she accuses.
I’m thrown back. “What?” I grunt in disbelief.
“You heard me,” she demands while getting up and facing me. “You’re a coward, Jace King. Yes, this awful thing happened to you. You went through something that I can’t even comprehend and that alone kills me, but now, you’re suffering from these ‘episodes’ and you haven’t done anything about it. I’m no doctor, but to me, it sounds like some sort of PTSD which there’s all sorts of help and remedies for. There’s therapy or medications. I don’t know, there are probably hundreds of things that could help and you’re not doing any of them. That tells me you’re a coward.”
“Wait a -”
“No,” she cuts me off. “You’re a coward. You’re using this as an excuse not to be with me, but you don’t want to be. Not really. If you did, you would have tried something. You would have gone to see someone and worked out if there was some kind of way to get better.”
“Babe, it’s not like that.”
“It’s exactly like that,” she says, calling me out. “I’m sorry you went through hell in Iraq and I’m sorry you were forced into such an awful situation that’s clearly haunting you in some way, but you have this opportunity to help yourself and you’re not taking it. I think you pushing me away to keep me safe is only part of the issue. I think you’re punishing yourself for your dad.”
“You think I’m punishing myself?” I question in disbelief.
“Yeah, I do,” she says. “I think you don’t believe that you deserve happiness. And honestly, I’ve never been so disappointed with you.”
With that, she turns on her heel and walks away.
Well, shit. That didn’t go how I thought it would.
I sit here in shock. I mean, am I punishing myself? I’ve googled my symptoms a million times and I know for a fact it’s PTSD, but not once have I reached out for help. I know I haven’t forgiven myself, but that’s not the same as punishing myself.
I’m not with her because I’m terrified that I’ll hurt her, but then she’s right. Had I found help, the whole issue could have been handled and I’d be free to be with her. I would never have had to hurt her which would mean I’ve broken her over and over again for nothing.
Fuck. She’s right. Why is she always right?
I sit here, on this damn bench for what feels like a lifetime before the chill in the air gets too much for me to bear. I head back on inside and find her sitting right where she had been before.
Nobody looks up as I walk in and nobody questions where the fuck I’ve been. I just silently sit back down in the seat I had vacated earlier and with my mind an absolute mess, I wait as our friends work on bringing a life into the world.
Chapter 12
Cami
What the hell was that all about?
I sit facing a broken Jace and I hate that he looks that way, but I’m so damn angry with him. I mean, is he serious right now? Did he honestly push me away because he was scared that he would hurt me after not seeing someone about it?
Sure, I would have accepted that fate had it been after he’d spoken to every doctor he could possibly find and they had all said that there was nothing he could do about it, only then would I have finally allowed myself to try and move on, though, I know I still would have loved his stupid ass from afar.
But not even trying? Not even giving us a chance to be together? That, I don’t understand.
He claims he loves me, but that must have been a lie or maybe he just doesn’t love me in the same earth-shattering way in which I feel for him. And honestly, that thought tears me apart.
How could I have been so blind not to see that he was suffering through some kind of turmoil? I had known that Iraq was bad for him. He has told me a number of times just how much he loved being a soldier, but that last tour was the end of the line for him.
Hearing those few words from him, ‘It was kill or be killed’. That pulled at something within me that I’ve never quite felt before. Knowing he came that close to meeting his marker… fuck, I can’t even describe it. He must have been terrified. I mean, he was only twenty-four at the time.
He didn’t give me any details on how it all went down, but I’ve seen the man in his birthday suit. I’ve seen the scars on his thigh and hip. At the time, I was way too consumed with what we were doing to ask about it or even truly take it in. I had just assumed it was from the explosion.
So, now I sit here watching him. His head is hung low and it’s clear that after calling him out twice tonight, he has a lot going through his mind. I hate that I’ve been so harsh on him tonight, but he needed to hear it. I don’t regret it one bit… although, I could have possibly presented my argument in a nicer way.
Hearing about his episodes kind of gives me hope that maybe there is a chance for us, and honestly, that tiny seed of doubt is enough to drive me insane. I mean, what am I doing? Am I pushing for him to go to therapy and get his shit sorted so we can make this thing work or am I throwing away two years of rollercoaster emotions and walking away?
An hour ago, I was so certain that this was over, but now I don’t know. I hate this not knowing, and I hate Jace even more for keeping this from me. He should have told me straight up. He should have been honest with me and told me what I was getting myself into. He could have saved me from two years of being broken. Hell, I could have saved him from whatever the hell this thing is that’s going on with him.
To me, it was crystal clear that he’s punishing himself. He loves his dad, hell, his whole family for that matter and to hear that he had hurt him absolutely crushes me. I can’t even begin to imagine what Jace must think of himself, though, I’m sure it’s no good. The question is; is he keeping me away because he’s honestly scared that he’s going to hurt me or is it because he wants to punish himself for his actions by taking away his shot at happiness?
The door of the waiting room is pushed open and a bride and groom come storming through and I’m grateful for their distraction. I needed a reason to stop staring at Jace like I wanted to torch him alive. “Did we miss it?” Charli demands.
“No,” Caden laughs. “But you cut it close. The little guy should be here soon.”
Xander lets out a relieved sigh and they drop into a few of the only spare chairs in the room. “Thank god,” he says. “We have to get on a flight in three hours for our honeymoon and I couldn’t start this marriage with her pissed off at me for missing this, or missing the flight.”
I can’t help but chuckle but it’s instantly stopped at the sound of Rylee’s screams on the other side of the wall. I cringe, hating that she’s going through so much pain, but I know as soon as it’s over, her life is going to change for the better.
Imogen questions Charli and Xander about the rest of their night and they both instantly launch into their rundowns while trying to talk over one another in their excitement. Again, I’m happy with the distraction as it gives me a moment to stop thinking about the brooding man sitting right before me, and honestly, my head was starting to hurt from it all. Charli and Xander are like a welcome break that I’m going to take full advantage of.
A few nurses hurry by and push their way into Rylee’s room, and suddenly, I don’t give a crap about what the bride and groom have to say. I sit up straight and watch all the activity with wide eyes. Is this it? Are they preparing her to push? All I can hear are her screams, but with how often they are, she must be really close.
I tune out everyone’s chatter around me and focus on that room. The screams, groans, and grunts continue right up until the screams start to form actual words that sound as though they’re coming from the devil himself. “Get Cami in here,” Rylee demands loud and clear.
My eyes widen in shock. She couldn’t
possibly mean she wants me in there to watch a baby being squeezed out of her hoochy? I slip my shoes back on and start getting to my feet when an exhausted Cole shoves his head through the door and looks right at me. “Ah…,” he says with a cringe. “You better get in here.”
I do as I’m told and hurry along after him. The second I walk through the door, my mouth falls to the floor. Rylee lays on the bed with her legs up in the stirrups, red in the face while some doctor stands between her legs. “Cami,” Rylee cries. “I need you. I can’t… I just… I need you.”
I race towards her and scoop her hand into mine. “You can,” I tell her before looking up at Cole who has possession of her other hand and looks as though he’s about to pass out. “You’re going to do incredible. You’re the strongest woman I know. You just need to push as hard as you can and get this little guy out, then it’s all over.”
She shakes her head as a drop of sweat rushes down the side of her face. “It hurts too much. I can’t do it.”
“You can and you will,” I tell her, being a little more firm. “You built The Dark Room all by yourself when hundreds of people told you that you couldn’t do it and you beat down the guy who held you at knifepoint. The Rylee I know does not give up, now this little boy is depending on you to get him out, now don’t you dare let him down. You got that?”
She swallows and scrunches up her face as though she’s about to burst into tears, but eventually nods her head. I look back at the doctor who stands between her legs and she gives me a grateful smile and mouths ‘thank you’ before turning her attention on Rylee. “Alright, Rylee,” she says in a soothing tone. “On this next contraction, you need to push.”
Ryle nods and looks absolutely terrified, but she has no other choice. This baby is coming now whether she likes it or not. Cole presses a cold towel to her face and helps to calm her with the breathing exercises that they’ve learned over the past few months, and I have to say, from watching him looking after her, he’s going to make a great daddy to this little boy.
The contraction comes on and Rylee takes a deep breath before giving an almighty push. With the push, comes the squeeze of my hand that has a bone breaking.
“Fuck,” I grunt out in pain. It hurts like a bitch, but I don’t dare remove my hand from hers. She’s in the middle of pushing and if she has to go through that, then I can deal with this for just a little while longer. Hell, not one person in the room has even noticed, all attention is on Rylee’s hoochy, right where it should be.
She continues squeezing and the tears of pain come pouring out of my eyes. The baby’s head finally comes out and she lets up on my hand. I instantly pull it away and offer her my wrist when she’s ready to get the body out.
I swear, I must only be in here for fifteen minutes before the most precious little baby boy is placed on her chest and all the pain of the labor is instantly forgotten, except my broken hand of course, though, I keep the attention away from it. I wouldn’t dare ruin this moment for Rylee by letting on just what had happened.
I watch in awe as Cole and Rylee look down at their son and instantly fall in love. There’s this look in both of their eyes that I can’t even describe. It’s absolutely breathtaking and no doubt it’s the love of a parent. It’s unconditional, it’s raw, and it’s beautiful.
Cole places his hand down on his son, while Rylee spills tears of joy.
My tears of pain are replaced with tears of joy and I look down at Rylee. “He’s beautiful,” I tell her while trying my best to wipe the tears away.
She looks up at me and gives me an exhausted but loving smile. “Thank you so much,” she says. “I couldn’t have done that without you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I tell her. “You’re the strongest woman I know. You would have been fine without me, but I’m so happy I got to be here. That was the most magical thing I’ve ever seen.”
She smiles up at me before looking back down to her son. “What name did you decide on?” I ask her.
She looks up at Cole and they give each other a knowing smile. “This is Isaac Cole Lewis,” Cole tells me.
I look down at the beautiful little boy. “Hello, little Isaac,” I say. “I’m your Aunty Cami and you’re going to be my best friend. I’m going to love you so much, you’ll hate me.”
The little guy lets out the most adorable yawn before screaming the place down. The nurses take him away to get measured, weighed, and dressed while Cole helps Rylee to get herself cleaned up.
Little Isaac is given back to Rylee and he instantly falls asleep after the massive day he’s just had, while one by one, everyone pops in to quickly meet the newest addition of our big family.
The pain in my hand starts to really make itself know and eventually, the tears start to reappear which is when I make an excuse to Rylee that the emotions of the day are starting to get to me. I give her a kiss and congratulate the happy family for the hundredth time before reminding Rylee to get a little rest and letting her know I’ll be back first thing in the morning.
I say goodbye to everyone in the room and slip out before anyone notices that I’m actually in a world of pain.
“Cami,” I hear from behind me.
I let out a breath and turn towards the man I should have known would come out here after me. “Jace,” I sigh as I wipe another tear off my face. “I can’t handle another round with you right now.”
“I… I’m not here to fight with you,” he tells me as he places both his hands on my shoulders so he can really look at me. “I just wanted to make sure that you’re alright.”
I nod my head but the tears continue to fall. “I’m fine,” I tell him.
He narrows his eyes on me. “Then what’s with the waterworks?” he questions. “Were you thinking about how much you want a baby?”
I shake my head, but let’s be honest, I was thinking about that earlier, but not enough to cause the tears. “No,” I tell him before finally giving in and holding up my hand. “My hand hurts. I think Rylee fractured a bone when she was pushing.”
His eyes widen in horror. “Fuck, Cam,” he says. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“I didn’t want to upset her,” I tell him as he slips his hand into my good one and starts leading me down the hallway. “This was about meeting her son not about how hard she squeezed my fucking hand.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “Sometimes you’re too much of a good friend,” he tells me.
“Where are you taking me?” I demand as he continues leading me through the hospital. “It’s late, I just want to go home and get some painkillers.”
“You’re getting an X-ray on your hand. I need to know if it’s actually broken or if you’re just being dramatic, then I’ll take you home.”
I let out a sigh. There’s no point arguing. I’m too tired and the emotion of the day has completely drained me. So, I allow him to drag me along and wait for another two hours in the emergency room waiting area, before finally confirming that indeed, my hand is definitely broken.
Chapter 13
Jace
I get Cami in my truck after loading her up with as many painkillers as possible and drive her stubborn ass home. I still can’t believe it. She just sat there with a broken bone in that precious hand of hers and pretended like nothing was wrong while she was in incredible amounts of pain, just so she could be there for her friend.
I mean, it’s inspiring, but it’s fucking stupid.
It felt like it took a lifetime waiting in that emergency room with her as neither one of us spoke a word. Her name was finally called and the second she got up to go get her X-ray, she latched onto my hand and refused to let me leave her side. Her X-ray was done in a matter of minutes, and sure enough, the bone was fractured.
I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like to push a baby out, but if it’s worthy of needing to squeeze your best friend’s hand so hard that you break it, it must be bad. I’m glad I’ll never have to do it.
Cami is dosed
up on some pain meds as the pain was becoming a little too much and I have to say, I was surprised when the doctor opted to go for a cast rather than a splint, so it must have been pretty bad. I mean, I’ve broken my hand plenty of times and only ever had splints or a brace, but then, that could have something to do with me outright refusing to get a cast.
It’s past five in the morning by the time I actually get her home. She struggles to carry everything in the one hand while trying to open the door, and I find myself getting out of my truck and helping her up to her apartment.
I unlock the door and get her inside, and to be honest, it’s nice using the fucking key for a change, rather than having to break the door down and getting odd looks from her neighbors.
Cami walks over to her kitchen counter and dumps all her things down with a sigh before kicking off her heels. I can’t help but walk over to join her. “Thanks for staying,” she tells me as she leans forward on the counter. “You didn’t need to do that.”
I walk right up behind her and bring my hands down on her hips. Her body stiffens at the touch and I hate myself for bringing that reaction out of her. I splay my fingers and she eventually relaxes. “I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I wish I hadn’t ruined your night.”
She’s silent for a moment while allowing herself to think about her answer. “Why didn’t you tell me about Iraq and the blackouts?” she questions silently.
I let out a breath as my thumbs run back and forth over her hips. “I didn’t want you to know what I was capable of.”
“You’re not a monster, Jace,” she tells me.
I close my eyes as her words flow right through me. She’ll never know just what that means to me, to have her know what I’ve done and not think I’m a monster. It’s almost as though I can feel myself healing from within. “You were right,” I tell her. “I’m punishing myself.”
At that, she turns and looks up at me with eyes filled with an intense desperation that it’s impossible to look away. She doesn’t say anything just lets me talk. “I’ve been thinking about it all night. I hate myself for what I did to my dad, just thinking about it makes me sick. How could I allow myself to find happiness after I did something like that? What if I did that to you?”
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