by Linnea Hall
CHAPTER 6
Jewell was glad she was back at work. Nurse Yohanan would keep her busy. She had spent the past three days trying to occupy her time. Time and again she found her thoughts turning back to the man, Collin, in the ICU. On Friday, she accidentally took the Mandeville exit heading towards the hospital. Having the pond between her and Collin seemed to make it a bit easier to resist her yearning to see him. It didn’t however, ease her thoughts.
At night, she would dream about him. The dream never changed. It took place in an expansive home that looked like the inside of one of the plantation homes she had toured with her father on the Natchez Trace last summer. Jewell was in a room, with him and several other people she didn’t know. They were arguing. She couldn’t understand what they were saying, but somehow, she knew that she was the topic of the argument.
The dreams were the worst because she couldn’t stop them. They were a manifestation of her subconscious, an indication of her deepest desires – or fears. At least during the day, if she tried hard enough, she could distract herself, think of something else. Even so, her thoughts always strayed back to him.
When she walked through the doors of the hospital, her body trembled as she thought about how close he was. When Nurse Yohanan asked her to take some paperwork to Carol early in Jewell’s shift, she hesitated only a second before snatching the folder out of Nurse Yohanan’s hands, anxious to complete her task. Of course, Nurse Yohanan was used to Jewell’s enthusiasm, so she didn’t notice the excitement in Jewell’s eyes as she turned to walk toward the ICU.
When Carol saw Jewell coming, she smiled. Jewell walked casually up to the desk and handed Carol the folder. “Nurse Yohanan asked me to bring this paperwork to you.” Jewell said as casually as she could, though she could hear the excited quiver in her voice. She wondered if Carol could hear it as well.
“Thank you, sweetheart. Tell Nurse Yohanan I appreciate her sending it to me so promptly. It wasn’t urgent. I could have waited if there were other things she needed you to do.”
“Oh, no!” When Carol’s eyebrows drew down over her eyes at Jewell’s outburst, Jewell casually waved her hand and added “We aren’t that busy down there right now. I was happy to bring them.”
“Well, thank you dear.”
“Um…Are all of patients doing well?”
“I guess as well as can be expected.” Carol responded, a hint of sadness in her voice. “Yesterday they brought in a woman who suffered a heart attack. She’s so young, only twenty-six, and a newborn baby at home too. I’ve been praying for her.”
“Wow. That’s really sad.” Jewell paused.
“Are you concerned about anyone in particular?” Carol wasn’t dense. She had a lifetime’s experience to learn to read people’s faces.
Jewell casually dragged her finger along the edge of Carol’s desk. “No, not really.” She knew as soon as she said it that she didn’t sound convincing at all. Even to her ears, the lie was as obvious as if it had been tattooed across her forehead.
“He came out of his coma about an hour after you came by to see him. When he remained conscious, they moved him into a private room upstairs.”
“Who?” Jewell winced as she said the single word that betrayed her longing for news about Collin. She could see that Carol was not the least bit convinced that she didn’t know who they were talking about.
Carol grinned. “I would’ve told you, but you said you didn’t want to know when they moved him.”
“I didn’t. I don’t. I guess I just kind of wanted to know if he was going to make it and all.” Jewell turned and nearly bolted down the hall. She could feel the warmth of the blush in her face as she walked briskly away.
At lunch - even though it was just after one in the morning, most of the night duty nurses still considered this lunch - Jewell sat at a table in the corner of the cafeteria with Ashley. Jewell had met Ashley a couple of days after she started working at University. Ashley worked in obstetrics. When they met, they took an instant liking to each other and had been best friends ever since.
Jewell enjoyed having such a close friend. Throughout her childhood she had watched the other children play, or whisper together at the lunch tables, and longed for that kind of relationship, to be “one of the girls.” She had that with Ashley. They ate lunch together whenever they were working the same shift, and on their days off they would always find something to do together. Yesterday, they had gone for pedicures when Jewell told Ashley she needed to do something to help her relax.
“How do you do it?” Ashley asked abruptly as she set her lunch tray on the table.
“Do what?”
“How do you deal with the death, the suffering, day after day? Isn’t it depressing? Or do you just sort of get used to it?”
Jewell finished chewing the food she had just placed in her mouth. She thought seriously about Ashley’s question, trying to think of how best to explain it. “No, you don’t get used to it. It’s more of an understanding, an acceptance. After all, what’s life without death? If everyone lived forever, they would never feel the need to accomplish anything, there would be no pressure, no ending. It’s kind of like buying presents for Christmas. In June, you don’t really think about it because there’s so much time, but on December 15th, all of a sudden, all of your shopping gets done. Does that make sense?”
“Well, I guess I see what you are saying, but I much prefer to bring life into the world than see it leave.” She frowned as she thought about what her friend had to deal with day after day, and tried to imagine what it would be like. She tried to imagine herself in the same circumstances. She knew that people had to die, it was a part of life, but she was happier not to be reminded of it every day. “But what if we could have life without death, or what if you had the opportunity to live forever? Would you take it?”
Jewell slowly shook her head. “I don’t think I would want it. Imagine living every day knowing that you would have to watch everyone you love die. Could you imagine the pain in that? Seeing it happen, over and over again, with no end?”
“But couldn’t you love them, knowing that they would have you for the rest of their life? Wouldn’t that bring you some level of happiness?”
“I guess, but how would you feel if you loved someone who was going to live forever, but you knew you wouldn’t. Would you want them to have to suffer that for you? Wouldn’t that be selfish?”
“Well then, what if everyone could live forever? Then you would never have to watch anyone die.”
“That wouldn’t work either. Whether you believe in God, or the big bang, or Darwin, or whatever, there has to be balance in everything; black and white, night and day, good and bad. If no one died, there would need to be something else to balance that. Perhaps, no one would ever be born. You would understand that Ash. Think about the joy that someone feels in holding a baby, even if it’s not their own. Think about how you feel when you carry a baby in to its mother. What if that was the balance, giving up that joy?”
“Well, what if like…maybe everyone lived until they were 200 or something?”
“So what then, you know you are going to die on your 200th birthday? How do you act at the end? Are you depressed? Do you give up? Do you try harder, hoping to accomplish just one more thing? How would you live your last days Ash?”
“Jeez Jewell, you are so depressing sometimes! I think working down there is getting to you. I personally think it would be cool. Think about all the stuff you could do.”
“Can I ask you something Ashley?” Jewell asked pushing her spaghetti around on her plate.
“Sure.”
“Have you ever met a guy, I mean saw him only once, but then you just couldn’t stop thinking about him?”
“Yeah, I met this hunk at Padre Island during my senior spring break. I haven’t stopped thinking about that sun tanned hottie since!” Ashley laughed.
Jewell smiled. Then her eyebrows drew down over her eyes as she tried to think of another way expla
in. “I mean someone that you don’t really know, but somehow you know that the two of you are meant to be together.” Jewell stared at the patterns in her pasta as she waited for her friend to answer.
“Do you mean like love at first sight?” Ashley asked, a little more serious now.
“Yeah, but he doesn’t know who you are. But you still know that if he could just see you, that he would feel the same way. That there was some sort of bond between you, making your lives inseparable.”
“Well,” Ashley paused, giving serious consideration to her friend’s question. “I’ve never experienced it, personally. But I had a friend in high school. One day, this guy walked in to our English class, a transfer from another school. He didn’t even look at us, but she passed me a note that said he was the man she was going to marry.” Ashley took a bite of her salad, and chewed, thinking about the details. “She would follow him around sometimes. She knew his whole class schedule, and somehow even got his locker combination. She would clean out his locker sometimes, but he never knew who did it.”
“So what happened?”
“We were at Senior Prom. That was two years after he had walked into that classroom. He had brought a date. His date was gorgeous; long blonde hair, beautiful huge blue eyes, figure of a super-model. We had come with our own dates too. She came with a guy she had been dating for a few weeks, and I brought a friend who, like me, didn’t have a date.” She made a face.
Jewell was surprised. Ashley was beautiful, in Jewell’s opinion. Ashley was tall, and slim. She had thick black hair, and beautiful chocolate eyes. And she always looked good in the latest fashions. Jewell assumed that the boys in high school would have been clamoring to ask her out. ”So what happened?”
“They met at the punch bowl. Their eyes locked and the rest is history. They both went to the same college – they made sure of that, but I guess they couldn’t wait to get married so they eloped last year in Vegas. I still keep in touch with her. Their relationship is perfect. Not just like teenage love, there’s something deeper. You can see it in their eyes when they look at each other.”
“Wow, that’s really cool.”
“So I guess yeah, I do believe in love at first sight. Why? Did you have someone in mind?” She looked at Jewell and winked, raising her eyebrows suggestively.
“I don’t know, not really.”
“Well, who is it? Don’t leave me hangin’! I’m your best friend, you have to tell me. It’s a rule.”
“Do you swear you won’t tell anyone?” Jewell asked in a conspiratorial tone, lowering her voice to make sure no one else heard.
“Of course!”
“That guy who came into the ER the other day. The one who…died.”
“Whoa! Creepy. Do you think it might be some nurse thing, falling in love with your patient or something?”
“That’s what I thought too, but it’s not. It’s more. I just know it.” Jewell sighed.
“So what are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing. They moved him out of ICU so I don’t have any reason to see him.”
“Girl! You cannot just let it go like that! You need to play your part. Be the nurse, go in there and look at his chart or something. See if you can get him to see you. I mean really see you!” Ashley said excitedly, a plan clearly hatching in her mind.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll think about it.”
“Well, let me know when you’re finished thinking about it and ready to do something!” She smiled at Jewell as they both got up to clear their trays and head back to their respective jobs.
*
When Jewell got back to the nurses’ station, no one was there. She looked at the charts on the desk to see if anything needed to be done. She knew the supplies were all stocked; she had checked that before she went to lunch. There was a little boy in a room with a broken arm, but there was already a doctor and two nurses in the room. She had some notes she had to type into the computer; she thought she should probably get that done while she waited for Nurse Yohanan. Nurse Yohanan hated it when she had to remind her charges to put their notes into the computer.
Jewell sat down at the terminal and grabbed her notes entering the information. When she finished, her mind started to wander. She could use the computer to look up what room he was in, maybe just walk by to see how he was doing…no, probably not a good idea. Ashley was right when she called her infatuation “creepy.” In her opinion, that was the best term to label her freakish obsession.
She opened the internet browser and checked her email. Nothing except the hundreds of spam emails she received every day. She glanced over the computer’s desktop and noticed the desktop icon for the application for looking up patient room numbers. She quickly went to Google and tried to think of something that she needed to research. Nothing. At this point, her mind was only on one thing. She opened the application and quickly typed in his last name “Sykes.”
While she sat staring at the screen, she was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Ashley walk up behind her.
“Looking something up, are we?” Ashley grinned.
“Um, no. Just checking on some things.” Jewell said as she quickly closed the open window. Jewell could feel her face burning at being caught. “What are you doing here?” She asked, trying desperately to pretend that she wasn’t doing exactly what Ashley had suggested she do.
“You forgot this,” she said handing over Jewell’s small leather wallet with a smirk before walking away.
CHAPTER 7
At the end of her shift, Jewell was just reaching for the handle on her car’s door, when her thoughts turned back to Collin. She hesitated, before turning back to the hospital.
“Did you forget something?” Nurse Yohanan was on her way out as Jewell walked past her.
Jewell tried to sound casual as she answered. “I just thought I’d check on that MVA they brought in the other night. I heard he’s doing a lot better and they’ve moved him into a room. I thought I’d go up and see how he’s feeling.”
“That’s sweet Jewell. Don’t stay too long, you’ll need to be back to work before you know it.”
“Yes, Ma’am, I promise not to stay long.”
Jewell walked slowly to the elevators. As she pushed the up arrow, she had the sudden urge to bolt; the urge to run, not away, but toward him. She looked at the numbers above the elevator doors. Both elevators were near the top floor and not moving. In her urgency, she decided to take the stairs not even considering that she would need to ascend six long flights.
She turned towards the stairs, glanced back at the elevator, and pushed through the fire doors into the stairwell. And then she ran. She took the steps two at a time up the first two flights and then taking them one at a time as she tired but continuing as fast as she could. When she reached the sixth floor, she stopped, winded. She was surprised that she felt a little dizzy from her exertion so she sat down on the top step with her head between her knees, and concentrated on long slow breaths; in and out.
When she felt like she could stand, she walked through the door into the hallway. Collin’s room was on the opposite side of the floor from where she had come up. As she rounded the second corner, into the hallway with the private rooms, she wondered if she might be a little crazy. After all, she thought, what was she doing here stalking some poor injured patient? She looked silently down the hall towards his room. Perhaps, she reflected, it would be better if I just turned around now. She was tired anyway; she really didn’t have time for crazy adventures. Her father was home too, and he would be expecting her. By the time she decided that she should probably head home, she realized that she was standing in front of the door to his room. She didn’t even remember walking down the hall.
She looked at the name card on the side of the door; Collin Sykes. This was definitely the right room. She gently pushed the door open, hoping not to disturb him if he was still sleeping; it was still quite early in the morning.
The walls were painted
a cheerful blue. It reminded her of a spring day after months of winter, when the sun first comes up in the morning. It wasn’t a hospital color at all. There was a large vinyl reclining chair on one side, a television set mounted to the ceiling. The television set was silent, but turned on. It looked like it might be tuned to CNN or some other news channel. There was also a rolling table that was pushed away from the bed, but within easy reach. There was a tray on the table with a half-eaten breakfast. It looked like Collin had chosen eggs for breakfast, scrambled. There was a half-finished glass of orange juice, and a fruit cup with everything eaten but the pineapple chunks. She also noticed something missing. It took her a moment to realize there were no cards, no flowers, no balloons; nothing to wish him well.
As she stepped into the room, he was lying on the bed facing away from the door, either sleeping, or looking out the window at the city beyond. There wasn’t much of a view here. She tried to close the door soundlessly, but it made a small click as she let it close.
“Please,” he moaned. “No more. I feel fine. I swear. I don’t need anyone poking me with needles or taking my temperature. Just go away.” His voice washed over her, making her feel faint. He had a tenor voice with a muddled possibly European accent, though she couldn’t place the country. She thought that it sounded a bit British, but some of the words seemed to have more of a Mediterranean accent; perhaps French, or Italian, definitely not Cajun. It was subtle, not pronounced, but enough to give his voice an alluring, exotic quality.
“Um, hi,” Jewell said timidly by way of introduction. “I’m not one of your attending nurses. My name is Jewell; I work downstairs in the ER. I was there when you came in the other night.”
He was silent for a long time. She thought that maybe he wasn’t interested in visitors so she turned to leave. She knew this was a stupid idea anyway. Her heart sank, but in her head, she knew this was for the best. She was acting like some infatuated teenager. She reached for the door to leave.