Nettie nodded apologetically. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Harris, but I promise I’ll earn my keep. I’m ever so grateful for the dress and for you and Mr. Smith hiring me back on.”
The madam shrugged. “You were a good employee. Our customers asked for you long after you were gone. I’m glad you’re back, and I’ll do what I can to make things…” she hesitated, “…fairer for you. I’ve convinced Mr. Smith to forget your previous debts.”
“Thank you,” Nettie said, surprised by that bit of good fortune. Perhaps she would have a better go of life in town this time. “I came to town with a man—”
“Yes, I heard,” she cut in. “Trapper Jack Abrams.”
Nettie groaned. “News sure does travel fast around here.”
“You two make quite the pair. Why aren’t you sticking with him? I’ve heard he’s a mean man, but he seems to have cared for you well enough.”
Nettie shook her head sadly. “He’s been kind to me, but he doesn’t love me.”
Mrs. Harris frowned. “Has he told you he doesn’t want you?”
“Not exactly, but he’s made no effort to make an honest woman of me. I can’t be with a man permanent-like, if he thinks of me as a whore.”
The madam snorted. “Hate to be the one to tell you this, sugar, but that’s what you are. If he feeds you and offers you shelter, it ought to be enough for you.”
It wasn’t as though Nettie hadn’t considered that very thing a thousand times already, but hearing the words out loud from another person gave her pause. Then she felt the pain of her heartbreak and sighed. “That would be well and good if I didn’t feel love toward him. I don’t want to love a man who doesn’t love me.”
Mrs. Harris shrugged. “Suit yourself. It works out better for my business that you have these foolish notions of love. I expect for you to say goodbye to Mr. Abrams and report to work by nine o’clock tonight.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Nettie said.
Nettie made it back to the room at the inn before Jack returned. He brought lunch for her and again asked if she felt like sharing where she got the dress. She shook her head and resigned herself to getting another spanking, but Jack only sighed wearily. “Stubborn woman. You’re more trouble than you’re worth sometimes, you know that?”
It was an unkind thing for him to say, and it cut Nettie deeply. She scowled. “Don’t worry, you’ll be rid of me soon enough.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, staring at her with furrowed brows.
She didn’t answer him and instead looked away. She couldn’t bear to tell him she would be staying in town, and she couldn’t bear to say goodbye to his face. That was why when he left again after delivering another lecture about staying in the room, she penned a note to him that told him of her plans.
Trapper Jack,
I have decided to stay in town. I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me, and you’ve convinced me that it’s unreasonable for me to survive on my own in the woods. I can’t take advantage of your kindness any longer, so I will make my own way once again in town. Please don’t seek me out. I’m not good with goodbyes, but I wish you the very best.
Nettie
She reread the note several times. It was cold and not at all reflective of her true feelings. She wanted to say more. She wanted to say how much she loved him, how she’d come to depend on him too much, and how she would never forget him. But knowing that his feelings for her didn’t run as deep as hers did for him, she couldn’t bring herself to do so.
She left the note on the pillow of the bed and made her way to the saloon through a fog of tears. The madam didn’t comment on her distressed appearance. She led her to what was to be her new room, where she would entertain men who wanted to find themselves in the arms of a woman for a night. As she prepared herself for the evening, she tried not to think of the way Jack made love to her. When he took her, she could only respond to him. She was his to command. With her johns she often had to take the lead, since they wanted a performance from her more often than not.
By the time the sun fell, Nettie felt nauseated and anguished over her situation. She didn’t want to sleep with any man but Trapper Jack. Wanting to be free from her life of prostitution was the whole reason she’d gone to the woods, and now she’d ended up right back where she started. From her room, Nettie could hear the sounds of the saloon patrons getting rowdy and drunk. She suspected it wouldn’t be long now before the madam would send up her first john. She drank some water and sat on the bed, then concentrated on her breathing in order to calm herself.
Someone knocked on the door, and her heart skipped a beat. This was it. She forced herself to speak in her most seductive voice. “Come in.”
The door opened, and in walked the innkeeper. He grinned. “Hello, Slick Kitty.” He closed the door behind him.
Nettie swallowed and squelched her disgust. “Hello, Mr. Baldwin. Please make yourself comfortable.” She walked to the table and added more oil to the lamp. Nettie’s mind flashed to the times when she and Jack made love, their shadows dancing along the walls from the flickering fire.
Mr. Baldwin walked to her and touched her head, then stroked her hair with his bony fingers. She managed to keep herself from recoiling. She’d serviced the innkeeper many times, and he wasn’t her worst. He always seemed grateful and finished quickly, which was a blessing.
Nettie kept her back to him and began to unbutton her dress in haste. The men liked when she gave a show of doing it for them slowly, but she couldn’t bring herself to act the part of a temptress. Maybe when the feel of Trapper Jack’s kiss on her forehead retreated into the recesses of her memory, she would be able to better please her customers, but at that moment, all she could think about was getting it over with as quickly as possible.
Nettie stopped before she got to the last button and turned to find Mr. Baldwin staring at her. She wondered with a shudder if the sparkle she saw near his mouth was drool. “Give me just a moment, Mr. Baldwin,” she said, retreating to the other side of the bed. Her heartbeat was quickening, and she felt short of breath.
She glanced at the mirror over the dresser and stared at her reflection, which in the low light appeared mostly as a dark outline. It was good that she had the shadow of darkness to prevent the johns from seeing her anguished expression. A memory flashed through her mind of when she waited for darkness to steal Trapper Jack’s chicken. It was fitting. She was a woman of the night, and just like she’d found herself in a pit then, she was in another pit now, only this was a pit of despair. Trapper Jack wouldn’t rescue her. Not this time.
A loud knock interrupted her thoughts. She glanced at the innkeeper, whose features showed surprise even in the low light. “Why would the madam allow someone else to come already?” he whined to her impatiently. “I just got here.”
“Maybe he’s got the wrong room,” Nettie said to him softly, and then raised her voice and directed it toward the door. “Occupied!” she said firmly.
She’d no sooner said the word than the door flew open with such force that the wood of the door cracked upon impact with the dresser next to it. Nettie gasped. In the frame stood the beast of a man she’d been trying not to think about. How had he found her?
“Go away!” she yelled, horrified that he was seeing her like this, horrified that he now knew the truth about her. She let out a wail. Her legs trembled and she sank to the floor, suddenly unable to withstand the weight of her shame.
Jack stepped in. It took only one glance from him to cause the innkeeper to skulk away. The would-be customer’s quick footsteps could be heard retreating down the hall to the stairs. Jack shut the broken door, then walked slowly to the lamp and turned it up to bring more light into the room. When Nettie looked at him from her place on the floor, she saw horror and dismay written all over his face.
“I beg you, Trapper Jack, please leave. Please forget you knew me, as I will try to forget I knew you.” She buried her face in her hands and cried, willing him to walk ou
t the door. The only sounds to fill the room, however, were her sobs, not the tread of heavy boots going anywhere.
“Get out!” she screamed, her voice now reaching hysteria as she worried she might go mad if he stayed there a moment longer, scorning her as she knew he must be doing.
Jack approached her suddenly and scooped her off the floor and into his arms like she was light as a feather. “Nettie,” he said, giving her a small shake. “I’m going to take you to our room at the inn, and we’re going to have a calm discussion about all this. All right?”
She stared at him. He looked at her tenderly, with none of the scorn she’d expected. She nodded her agreement, so shocked by his expression that she was helpless to do anything but go along with what he wanted. Of all the things she thought he might do, taking her into his arms and speaking to her gently was not one of them.
He looked at her open dress that exposed her chemise. “Button your dress,” he said in the same gentle voice.
She obeyed, her hands fumbling. When she finished, Jack marched with her in his arms down the stairs into the main room of the saloon. He said to the madam as he passed her, “She won’t be coming back. I’ll have the dress returned to you shortly.”
Nettie thought about saying something to the madam, but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything but lie limply in Jack’s arms. When they arrived at the inn, Nettie closed her eyes. She didn’t want to see Mr. Baldwin if he was even there. She kept her eyes closed all the way up the stairs and didn’t open them until Jack deposited her on the bed.
Nettie grabbed a pillow and doubled over, sobbing into the fabric. She heard the chair that was tucked into the table scrape along the floor and thud into place next to her. Jack sat so close to her that she could feel the heat emanating from his body.
After a moment, he spoke. “I don’t understand what you just did, Nettie. Help me understand your note.” His voice was gentle and he sounded hurt, which made Nettie feel horrible. She would much rather that he yell at her or do anything but try to get her to make sense of what she’d done.
She continued to cry into the pillow until Jack yanked it from her so he could see her face. This left her feeling more naked and vulnerable than she’d ever felt with him, despite the fact that she was wearing more clothes than usual around him.
“I was a prostitute before I met you,” she choked out. There was nothing to lose at this point in telling him the whole truth. A tear streamed down her face into the corner of her mouth. She licked her lips and tasted salt.
“I know that,” he replied. “You risked starvation to escape whoring, which is why I’m having a hard time understanding your choice to go back to it.”
She stared at him, shocked. “You knew I was a whore? How did you know? Why didn’t you say?”
Jack held up his hand. “Slow down. I knew since the morning after I found you in my trap. I recognized you from the saloon.”
“I, I can’t believe this,” she said, stammering her words. “All this time, you knew about me.”
“Yes.”
“Oh,” she wailed, and burst into fresh tears. “Why didn’t you say?”
“Well, Nettie, I didn’t see the need. I thought it would embarrass you. How about you answer my question now? Why would you choose to go back?”
Nettie wiped away some of her tears. “Because I know you don’t love me. I know you don’t want me.”
Jack leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms, scowling. “You know that, do you?” Gone was his gentle tone.
“Yes,” she said, and hiccupped. “You never asked me to marry you even after I shared your bed for months, and you said that come spring, you would let me go.”
“Are you off your rocker, woman?” he asked, raising his voice. “I never intended to let you go. I was giving you the illusion of free will. Remember that nonsense you flung at me some time back?” She could hear the anger in Jack’s voice, which would under normal circumstances be her primary concern, but in that moment it was his words that got her attention.
She studied his face. “Wait, so you weren’t really all right with me staying here in town?”
“Of course not!”
“Oh, Jack,” Nettie said, shaking her head in dismay. “If only I knew you felt that way, I never would have made plans to stay. I thought I didn’t mean enough to you. It’s too late now. I know you’ll never forgive me.”
Jack rubbed the back of his neck and didn’t say anything for what seemed to Nettie like forever. Finally he sighed and said quietly, “I want to tell you about my wife, and what I did to her.”
Nettie nodded and sniffled. “All right, Trapper Jack, if you want.” The despair washing over her made her feel woozy. It took effort to focus on Jack. She didn’t see how it mattered in the present what he’d done in the past. She couldn’t believe she’d ruined everything by assuming he was all right with abandoning her.
“On our wedding night, I found out that she’d lied to me. During our courtship, she told me she’d never been with another man. However, I learned right away after we were married that she wasn’t a virgin, and I couldn’t bring myself to forgive her that deception.” Jack’s voice cracked, and he stood suddenly and walked away from where Nettie sat on the bed. He arrived at the table on the other side of the room and stopped, his back facing her.
Nettie forgot her own sadness. Hearing the big, strong man close to tears was almost more than she could bear. She waited with bated breath for him to continue.
“I loved her, but I couldn’t see past the lie. I left for the war without offering her my forgiveness or telling her how much I cared about her. She was a good woman. She deserved at the very least to feel loved by her husband.”
Nettie stared at his broad shoulders, which stooped slightly. She felt distraught over his anguished tone and the heavy burden of guilt he carried.
Jack turned and faced her, straightening. He collected himself and no longer sounded close to tears when he spoke. “Of course, by the end of the war, I’d grown up a bit. In the grand scheme of things, her deception was so minor, so very forgivable. I planned to tell her that, but she died before I could. So, Nettie,” he said, clearing his throat. “I’ve had to live with that. I’ve had to live with the knowledge that the woman I loved died without knowing that I loved her. It nearly drove me mad. Perhaps it did for a while. I had so much anger inside of me, I hated the world, and I made that very clear in my dealings with people. That’s the reason no one here in town thinks I’m a very nice person. I haven’t been.”
Silent tears streamed down Nettie’s face. “I’m so sorry, Trapper Jack. I don’t know what to say.”
Jack smiled at her in a kind way. “There’s nothing for you to say, really, Nettie, but I wanted to tell you so you would understand why I didn’t judge you for your past. I learned from the mistake I made with my wife.” He walked to her, reached out, and wiped a tear off her face with the pad of his thumb. “Seems we need to do a lot more talking to get things straight. I didn’t know you wanted to get married. You told me you didn’t care for the idea.”
Nettie recalled saying that now that he mentioned it. “The day after you found me? But that was before I knew you, Trapper Jack. It was when you told me I should have gotten married instead of moving to the woods, and at the time, I could think of nothing but escaping men.”
Jack ran his hand down his stubbled cheek. “I can understand that now. You know the way I see things? Once again I’ve allowed a woman I love to go about her days without knowing how much I love her.”
Nettie stared into his eyes, the meaning of his words sinking in slowly. Instead of his confession of love bringing her joy, it only brought her regret, for she feared it was too late. She looked down. “You’re too hasty to admit your love today.” She let out an anguished moan. “I planned to sleep with the innkeeper. You interrupted before it happened.”
For some time, there was no sound but what could be heard from the street through the window. A
man shouted in the distance, and a dog barked. Jack drew a deep breath, then reached under her chin and tilted it up. “That was pretty obvious to me, Nettie.”
Nettie closed her eyes. She couldn’t bear to look at him. “I’m so very sorry, but I know my apology is meaningless.”
“It’s not,” he said. “I forgive you, and it’s not even all your fault. I should have told you how I felt. You must forgive me too.”
She opened her eyes. She could only stare at him then. She felt afraid to hope that everything would work out, that he would marry her and take her back with him to his cabin in the woods.
Jack seemed to read her mind. He took her arm and pulled her to her feet, then laced his fingers in her hair and tightened them into a fist. He tugged her head back gently, making her feel helpless and at his mercy. He spoke in her ear, his voice taking on its authoritative, commanding tone. “We will be married the day after tomorrow. Then my business in town will be done and we can return to the cabin. Would you like that?”
“Yes, more than anything,” she said breathlessly.
“I’m glad to hear it,” he growled. He released her hair, sat on the bed, and hauled her over his lap. Landing a hard swat on her backside, he said, “Not that you had a choice in the matter.” He tossed up her skirts and spanked her again a few times. “Now then, naughty Nettie,” he said, loosening her drawers and shoving them to her knees. “Are you ever going to leave me again or make assumptions on how I feel about you?”
“No, Trapper Jack,” she promised, joy and love flooding her heart. As the smacks rained down on her bare skin and the pain increased, so did her happiness. Never had she felt so free as she did in that moment, pinned to Jack’s lap, knowing he had trapped her for life and would never let her go.
The End
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