“No shit? Wait.” He lifted his finger. “I think I remember hearing about it. I’ve a bad memory, but remember hearing something about the accident, but I didn’t know about your memory.” He lifted the clipboard. “How crazy. Sucks. I’m sorry to hear it.” He went from looking somber to smiling big. “You and your sister used to drive me kind of crazy though. More so you than her. More often than not, I couldn’t tell you two apart. I just remember you were the quiet one.”
He cleared his throat, apparently remembering I wasn’t standing there alone. A very menacing-looking biker stood with me, and Steve couldn’t know what relation he was to me.
Glancing back down at his clipboard, he bobbed his head then glanced up again. “How’s your sister doing by the way?”
“She’s dead,” Nicolas said before I could respond.
Steve’s jaw dropped, and the smile was instantly gone.
“Yes,” I confirmed before Steve said anything else that might incite Nicolas. “Nicolas here was her boyfriend. She died in the same accident I was in. So did Shelby Connor. You remember her.”
“Oh fuck!” He caught himself and apologized for the slip of the tongue. “I remember hearing bits and pieces of an accident that happened and then about some kids being killed, but I thought they might be different stories, and I never really did get the story straight. I’m so sorry to hear it, Maggie.” He turned to Nicolas. “Sorry to hear it, man.”
I nodded. “It’s been a long time. Still not completely over it, and my memory is obviously still gone, but I’ve learned to accept it.”
I changed the subject by asking more about him, and the conversation got a little lighter. After a little more small talk and having no other choice, I made an appointment to meet Steve back there tomorrow.
“So, it’s a date,” Steve said with a friendly smile.
I started to tell him about needing a ride out, but Nicolas interrupted again. “I’ll give you a ride.”
“You sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, because I can pick her—”
“I got this,” Nicolas said, cutting Steve off and starting up the bike.
That was my cue to get back on the bike, so I thanked Steve and hopped on the back of the bike. We headed back to town, and I enjoyed every minute of being that close to him again, inhaling his intoxicating scent and leaning my face against his big warm back. Even when I thought he seemed to tense or I felt his heart speed up, I couldn’t pull myself away. This was probably the last time I’d be around him.
Since it was relatively early, we drove around town while he showed me a few more places Madeline and I hung out at. “These are places your mom probably didn’t show you because she didn’t know about them.”
We parked off the side of the road by a river. The moment I saw the huge boulder in a sort of cone shape, Poof!
The flashes were so strong and fast I nearly lost my footing and reached out for Nicolas’s arm. “What’s wrong?” he asked, immediately, holding on to my other arm firmly.
I closed my eyes, shaking my head as I saw the visuals of Madeline and Nicolas in the river; in a cave, carving things on the inner walls; kissing; on a cliff, looking over the river; more kissing. Then it switched. Everything below my waist warmed with arousing sensation. I was standing hands up against the cave wall while someone took me from behind, and I was loving it.
Cave.
Cave.
Cave.
My heart swelled, and I let out a laugh because it felt so good. When it finally subsided, I heard Nicolas asking if I was okay. I opened my eyes, and he was standing right in front of me, staring at me like the freak I must’ve looked and sounded like.
“Do you need a doctor?” he asked.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I just . . . those flashes I told you about. I just had one. Did we ever go to a cave?”
His brows jumped. “You remember the cave?”
“Yes,” I said, still breathless over the flashes. “Well, in the flashes just now, I saw you and Madeline there, carving things on the walls, kissing and . . .”
I gulped, not sure if I should say it then decided I’d keep that last visual to myself.
“And what?” he asked, peering into my eyes, the severe curiosity a living thing now.
“And making out, I guess.”
He nodded as if that made total sense but still seemed somewhat perplexed. “She must’ve told you about it. She often mentioned there wasn’t anything you two couldn’t tell each other. Maybe she took you there to show you the cave, but it was always just me and her that went there. It was our special place, and unlike the pier you’d been headed to, she never wanted to share it.” He smiled that sad smile that had become familiar to me now. “We did a lot of things in that cave. Maddie was crazy”—his expression suddenly went hard— “which is why I didn’t wanna hear exactly what she’d done to drive that asshole crazy. She drove me fucking insane for over a year before I finally gave into her. During that time, I knew she purposely flirted with other guys just to get to me. He might’ve been one of them, so I didn’t wanna hear it.”
I’d half listened to his partial rant, focusing on something else instead. “So, I never went there with you guys?”
He thought about it for a moment. “No. Never. But like I said, she might’ve taken you there without me.”
I hadn’t had a single visual of Madeline and me. Just her and him and me against the wall of the cave . . . There was a sudden knot in my stomach. Something had occurred to me only once before, but it was too out there for me to give it any consideration. Could there have been a mix up somehow? Madeline and I did look exactly the same. Is that why my heart yearned for Nicolas in a way it shouldn’t? Could my own mother and apparently love of my life not be able to tell my twin and me apart if, in fact, there had been a terrible mix up? It was too illogical. The doctors would’ve known. What about the fingerprints? It was impossible.
“Take me there,” I said, nearly breathless.
The moment we were there I lost it. “I’ve been here!” I said, rushing inside it in tears.
For the first time since the accident, I remembered something solid. I’d been here. I remembered the walls, the depth, the chill. Then I stopped cold.
“Snake,” I said, backing up at the sight of one.
“Oh, yeah, be careful,” Nicolas said, backing up with me. “When Maddie and I first came here, there were lots. But the more we were here and cleaned it out constantly even used snake repellent, there were less and less, but I’m sure the place is crawling with them now if no one’s kept it up. He looked around as we backed out completely, since we could hear the various rattles of snakes now. “From the looks of it, it doesn’t appear like anyone’s been here in years.”
I calmed myself, feeling like I needed to. I’d already blurted out that I remembered the place, and he’d already mentioned why he thought that might be. Madeline must’ve brought me here. Only my heart was beginning to really question why I’d remembered doing things in there and seeing the images of the two of them if, according to him, I’d never been there with them. It was too farfetched. Too completely irrational. There was no way and he’d think me nuts, so I kept the rest of what I was thinking to myself. I remembered. I really remembered a place I—Maggie—may’ve never even been to. And I remembered it more vividly than I’d ever remembered anything else.
He took me to an open field where he said there used to be an abandoned barn but it’d since been demolished and was no longer there. “When I finally gave into a relationship with Maddie, she was still seventeen and under age. So, we had to find places to meet or hang out where we wouldn’t be seen and it’d get back to your mom. It’s why there were all these places: the pier, the cave, the barn, and then lots of other places by the river. I also had to use my dad’s work cargo van to do all the sneaking around. There was no way I was picking up Maddie and her sister and best friend and be conspicuous about it on my bike. Though once she got her ca
r, we’d meet up a lot.”
“Was Shelby ever involved with any of your brothers?”
Nicolas smiled. “According to Maddie, she had a thing for Keno,” he said then shook his head when I stared at him blankly. “Joaquin, it’s what we call him.”
“Keno?” I asked. “Like the card came?”
He laughed. “No, it’s pronounced that way, but we took the tail end of his name and just added an O. Though most of the time it’s reduced even shorter to just Q. Just like Xavier turns into X more often than not.”
He went on with his explanation about Shelby and his brother. “Quino never even knew Shelby had a thing for him. He had it bad for some other bitch, who ended up cheating on his ass and leaving town with another dude.” He frowned, glancing around the open field. “I’m not sure which one of us is more fucked up, but neither one of us has been able to get it together with any girl ever since we both lost out. Like me, he’s had plenty of women since his heart was broken but none who can touch him the way that last one did. Tara was the closest I’d come, but in hindsight, I know now I’d been fooling myself the whole time. It’s why after seeing you at the cemetery and it bringing back all the memories and agonizing pain, I knew it wasn’t fair to her to keep up the charade.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say I was sorry again. But I wasn’t this time. As unfair, and unreasonable, and as much as it completely confused me, the thought of him with someone else sickened me.
Chapter 19
After driving around for a bit more, Nicolas said he should get me back to my room. It was starting to get dark. I already missed him, and I hadn’t even gotten off his bike.
When we reached my motel, I was surprised to hear him say he’d stayed at the hotel across the way last night.
“If I’d known I’d be spending another night, I wouldn’t have checked out of my room today.” He glanced back at the hotel room then around the parking lot of my motel. “Even this place looks packed, and that parking lot is even more packed then it was yesterday. I’m sure every room in town is booked.”
“You don’t have to stick around just for me—”
“I want to. I’m going to,” he said with a strangely familiar finality. “I’ll just have to get a room in the town over. But I’ll be here in time to pick you up tomorrow.”
Feeling beyond terrible but since he was clearly not taking no for an answer, I at least had to offer. “I have two beds in my room, Nicolas. If you’re gonna be forced to stay on my account, then the least I could do is offer you to stay here.” The panic was back in his eyes, and he started to say something, but then I decided it wasn’t an offer. I added with the same finality as he’d used when he said he was staying, “I insist.”
He stared at me strangely again, his head even tilting this time.
“What?”
Nicolas shook his head with that same heaviness I’d seen so much in his eyes already. “You just remind me so much of her.”
Again, I wasn’t sure if I should apologize or what, but before he could change his mind or fight me over this, I took his helmet off my head but brought it with me toward my motel door. I wasn’t sure if it was just easy to assume or if it was an actual memory, but I motioned to what appeared to be a storage compartment on his bike. “Grab your things. If you insist on staying, I insist you’re staying with me.”
My heart sped up at the thought. Not only would I get another day with Nicolas; we’d be spending the night in the same room. I didn’t hear the bike turn on, so I knew he hadn’t left, but I’d been in the room for a few minutes, and he still wasn’t. I walked out and saw him on his phone. He was telling someone he’d be gone another night and that he was fine.
When he finally did walk into the small room with his duffle bag, he practically took up the entire frame of the door coming through it. I’d already been treated to the visual of his muscular upper body when he’d removed the leather jacket at the café, but this time he went one step further and removed the long-sleeved snug shirt. He wore a wife beater shirt underneath.
No wonder Mama had her reservations about him and his brothers. Just like Nolan, his upper body was covered in ink. But it was a glorious sight I couldn’t get enough of. It was all I could do to keep my hand from reaching out to touch his skin. But I didn’t.
After a few awkward quiet moments while he set his things down, he finally spoke. “I’m gonna have a smoke outside.”
“I was just gonna ask if you want to go sit out there. It’s what I did last night.”
I walked over to the small fridge in the room and opened the door. A shower could wait. “I had a glass of wine last night,” I said, pulling out the nearly full bottle. “Still have some left; you want some?”
“I’m good,’ he said, walking toward the door.
After grabbing what was left of my cheese and crackers from the night before, I met him outside. The smell of what he was smoking hit me the instant I walked out. Even that brought on a strange emotion, and I remembered feeling it the times a patient would be brought into the ER, reeking of the stuff. He stood leaning against the pole of the porch.
I took one of the seats in front of the window of the room. “That’s not tobacco, is it?”
He smiled, blowing out what he’d been holding in and shook his head. “Maddie made me give up tobacco almost as soon as we became official. But this she was okay with since I never did it nearly as often as I’d smoked cigarettes. You’re welcome to some if you’d like. Even you tried it a few times back then, but I know things have changed.”
“I’m good with my wine, thanks,” I said, lifting my glass in his direction. “I actually like the smell of that. I just can’t chance the random testing they do at the hospital where I work.”
“Maddie liked the smell too.”
I stared at him as he gazed out into the sky, lost in thought for a moment. The gut feeling I’d had earlier was back. What were the odds of something like that happening and no one ever catching it? Not even Mama?
You two brats did manage to fool me a few times.
As the years had passed, I did notice Mama had to think on it a little longer each time I asked who was who in certain photos and videos I hadn’t revisited in a while.
“I don’t think Mama blames you for her death,” I said out of nowhere.
Nicolas turned to me. That whimsical expression he’d had moments ago as he’d stared out into space was replaced with a pained one. He started to shake his head.
“I really don’t. It wasn’t just you and your brothers she didn’t let in on our moving.” He stared at me skeptically but didn’t say anything, so I went on. “I stopped at Stover’s last night to buy this stuff.” I motioned to my wine and cheese and crackers. “The Stovers introduced themselves and told me how well they’d known my family and me. They also said they’d been very surprised when Mama just left town without saying good-bye or ever reconnecting with them. Apparently, they weren’t just close to Mama but to my grandma too.”
“They were,” he said, confirming it.
I shook my head, thinking of all the other stuff they let me in on. That led to another thought. “You and Maddie were together already when my grandma passed?”
Nicolas nodded. “It’s how I was first officially introduced to your mom as Maddie’s boyfriend. She’d been waiting to turn eighteen to do it. She took me to the hospice to meet your grandma first, and then your mom got there.” Oddly, it made him chuckle. “It was kind of an underhanded thing to do, but Maddie said, if your mom was going to be conniving, so could she. I guess she’d been telling your grandma about me when your mom wasn’t around, and your grandma had been on Maddie’s side. She thought she should follow her heart and a bunch of tats and a bad boy reputation shouldn’t keep her from doing so if she knew for a fact that I wouldn’t be breaking her heart. Maddie said she assured your grandma just like she tried to assure your mom that I wouldn’t, but your grandmother wanted to meet me and see for herself
. So, when your mom arrived at the hospice and saw me there, she was outnumbered. It still took her some time to accept it, but that’s when she finally started to. It’s funny because, after getting to know your mom a little better, I realized she’s where Maddie got her in-your-face personality. Then I realized they’d both gotten it from your grandma. Even as sick as she was in that hospice bed, the woman had your mom in check.”
I was fascinated now. I’d been told Madeline was bold, outspoken, a spitfire, but this was genius. How else would Mama ever give into someone she was so against if not forced to by her own outspoken feisty mother telling her to just accept it? That they were meant to be. Then something else dawned on me.
“So, you know what my grandmother died of?”
That same confused expression settled on Nicolas’s face. “Yeah, diabetes. Maddie said she’d been battling it for years.”
“I was under the impression she’d died of cancer. It’s what Mama told me when I asked her about it.”
I left out that she’d reiterated it years later, explaining what kind and how fast it’d taken her after her diagnosis. I wasn’t sure why, but something was beginning to feel terribly amiss. My first instinct was that maybe the Stovers weren’t told everything about my grandma’s illness, but Madeline would’ve told Nicolas the truth, unless Mama and Grandma kept it from her too. But why? Mama had lied about a lot of things and us disappearing from the lives of the only friends we had in this world didn’t make sense. Until Ryan and Don came along, Mama and I had been completely alone.
The knot in my stomach was getting heavier. “I didn’t have a dad, did I?”
“No,” he asked, peering at me strangely. “Maddie said you’d never met him. Aren’t these things you would’ve asked your mom already?”
“She kept stuff from me obviously—like that you and your brothers were ever a part of our lives—so I had to ask.”
Girl In The Mirror (Looking Glass Book 1) Page 18