by Jenny Mollen
To be honest, it didn’t feel great. But it felt better than being closed.
I got back to L.A. a few days later, convinced I’d never do drugs again (for at least the next two months). Jason must have recognized something inside me had shifted a little. When we got to the hotel that night and I collapsed into bed, I noticed he used fewer pillows to build the wall that usually separated us while we slept. Maybe he was sensing a newfound—something. Vulnerability? I couldn’t say for sure. All I know is that when I described my trip—the yurt, the shaman, the shit-puking, and finally the visions—it felt as though I was letting him into a part of me I’d never let him access. It was as though having Sid was forcing me to love Jason better, harder, and more.
Frankly, it was fucking exhausting.
As I spoke, I could see a knowing smile creep on Jason’s lips, like a grandfather in a Werther’s Original commercial. He stayed mostly silent until I was done, then took me in his arms. We stayed that way for a long while, longer than I previously would have been able to tolerate, and then even longer than that. Until what was uncomfortable seemed strangely okay.
Finally he spoke.
“So how drug-free do you have to be before we can make another one?”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Writing about someone in a book acknowledgments is kind of like inviting them to your wedding. By the time this book comes out, I’ll probably hate a lot of you. But here’s a short list of people I currently care about.
Sid, who I am certain will one day do this all better than me. I love you so much it literally makes me wanna throw up. I promise to always listen, to always be there, to give you every piece of me you ask for. I am honored to be your mother. And I can’t wait to know the person you become.
Jason, this is all your fault. Thank you for changing my life. You are my best friend and my eternal muse.
My mother, Peggy, who succeeded in doing it better than her mom. I am so grateful to both you and Dad for your ambition, your kindness, and your athletic bods.
Jhoni, I think I might have been waiting my whole life to find a friend and mentor as supportive as you. You make me want to be a better woman to all women. Well, not all. Just the cute ones. Thank you for teaching me how to tell better stories.
Chelsea, you are one of the cute ones! Thank you for your fearlessness, your friendship, and your loyalty.
Yaniv, I couldn’t have done this without you and I wouldn’t have done this without you. (Unless somebody offered me a shit ton of money.)
Joe Veltre, thank you for making Yaniv pay me more money.
Jami Kandel, thank you for helming the ship.
At Doubleday, Bill Thomas, Todd Doughty, Margo Shickmanter, Emily Mahon.
Other people who matter: Elizabeth Brown, Missy Malkin, Lynn Fimberg, Jennifer Craig, Joanna Colonna, Deborah Feingold, Bradley Irion, Gita Bass, Dan Maurio, Diablo Cody, Molly Burke, Ramon Walls-Gumball, Brian Walls-Gumball, Jen Lancaster, Melody Young, Nick and Amey Zinkin, Ladurée Soho, FIKA Tribeca, Allyson Ostrowski, Busy Philipps, Dori Zuckerman, Dan Driscoll, Tifawt Belaid, Lauren Tabach Bank, Allison Stoltz, Samantha Mollen, Chiara Biggs, Elvie Buller, and always Gina, Harry, and the incomparable Mr. Teets.
Jenny put Mr. Teets down on March 14, 2016. He ate bacon three hours before. Despite her frustrations in Chapter 8, not a second goes by that she doesn’t wish he was still in her arms silently judging her every move.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jenny Mollen is an actress and New York Times bestselling author. She was a columnist for Playboy Online and the Smoking Jacket and has contributed to Cosmopolitan, Glamour, New York magazine, Elle.com, and Grubstreet. She has been heralded by the Huffington Post as one of the funniest women on both Twitter (@jennyandteets) and Instagram (@jennyandteets2), and named one of Five Twitters to Follow by the New York Times.
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