“Why would I scare you?”
His head dips ever so slightly, his mouth brushing my brow and then my nose. “You still want so much and I have so little to give.”
“If that’s true, what are we doing here?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure nothing good will come of it.” He pulls me snugly against his hard thighs and rests his hands low on my back.
I want to touch him, to put my hands on the muscular curve of his thigh, but I’m afraid, so afraid to touch this man who incinerated my heart all those years ago. I am not a rock. Not strong at all. I’m so afraid that if I touch him, if I like touching him, I won’t be able to stop. I’ll want that connection again. I’ll want that warmth and heat and love. It’s been so long since I felt love. So long since I had sex.
“But then, it never has,” I answer, fingers knotting into fists and my fists pressed to my own hips. “Liking you just got me in trouble, and then eventually sent me away.”
“Your mama was afraid I’d seduce you.”
“I think she was even more afraid I’d like it.”
“You probably would have,” he answers, his voice pitched so deep that it makes me shiver.
“So you seduced Shellie Ann instead.”
“You were always the girl for me. Life just got in the way.”
He sounds so sincere that my eyes burn and my heart beats double time. “You’re not fair.”
“No, I’m not. Because I knew how you felt, and I hoped you’d come home. But it had to be your choice. I wasn’t going to ask you to come back, not when you had the whole world ahead of you.”
“Oh, Dane. I would have come back. I would have, I missed you. Missed you like crazy. Missed you so much it made me crazy.”
“Your brothers always made sure I heard about every new boyfriend you had at Stanford.”
“Why?”
“They didn’t want you hooking up with me.”
“Why?” I repeat.
His powerful shoulders shrug. “You’re the beautiful baby of the family. Gorgeous, and brainy, and sweet. They figured you’d go far as long as you stayed away from me. And they were right.”
“No.”
He nods. “You never did hide your feelings very well.” One of Dane’s big, callused hands slips up to my cheek, and he runs his thumb across my cheekbone. With curiosity. With warmth. With wonder. For a big man who’s spent his life on broncs and bulls, he’s so gentle that shivers race through me. I need this touch. I crave this touch. I want him as much as I did twenty-three years ago.
He turns his hand over and runs the backs of his fingers down my cheek to my jaw and to my mouth. “You really are too pretty for your own good.”
“You can’t see all the lines and wrinkles?”
“I just see woman.”
I have to close my eyes at the heat exploding beneath the surface of my skin. He’s making me burn, and when I burn, I feel like the girl I once was. So hungry, so wild, so alive. But that was long before I had other people to worry about, people who relied on me for everything.
“You broke my heart once. I don’t want to get hurt again,” I whisper, eyes still closed, knuckles still pressed to my hip bones. I’m made of glass, and he’s the pressure that could break me.
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you did.”
“Life’s like that, darlin’.”
A lump fills my throat. “Maybe we should go. Stop now while we’re ahead.”
“That’s probably a good idea.”
But he doesn’t let go of me, and I do not move away. Instead I wobble, lean forward just enough that my chest brushes his, and he inhales low and rough.
My eyes open and I stare into his eyes. They’re green like the sea, and I reach for him then, pressing first my knuckles against his thighs and then opening my fingers to press the entire palm. His legs are hard, the denim fabric taut, and my belly hurts from the relentless surge of desire and adrenaline.
“You might still be married,” he says, “but you’ll always be mine.”
And then he drops his head and his lips cover mine. And for an endless moment it is just that, the warmth of his mouth against my mouth, and I’m flooded with the smell of him and the feel of him and the hint of a taste of him.
If only this was real love.
If only this could last forever.
And like that, the pressure of his mouth increases and his lips move over mine, and I want this kiss. I want everything, and my lips part and I kiss him back. Kiss him the way I wanted to all those years ago when he was too old for me and too involved with other women.
I don’t know how long the madness lasts, but it is madness. It’s fierce and hungry and intense, and I feel his hands in my hair and his chest hard against my breasts. My hands are wrapped around the curve of muscle in his thigh, and I’m pressed as close to him as I can.
And then one of us pulls back, not sure who, not sure why, not sure it matters. Dane is looking down into my face, and I can’t tell if he’s smiling or not, but his expression is strange. A little wry, a little sad. “I should get you home, sugar. You’re going to get into trouble here.”
“Too late,” I whisper, digging my nails into the fabric of his jeans. “I’m already in trouble.”
We make love in his truck.
It wasn’t supposed to happen, especially not this way. We were just heading home with me sitting close to his side, and then suddenly he’s pulling off onto the side of the deserted country road and we’re kissing again.
Somehow my blouse comes off and then my jeans, and I end up straddling Dane’s lap in just my lace thong. And then even that comes off.
There’s always been chemistry and a strong physical connection between us, but making love blows me away. It’s beyond good, beyond amazing, beyond anything I’ve ever known physically, sexually.
I love him. It’s that simple and that complex. I love him and want him and need him more than I’ve ever wanted or needed anyone.
I’m still straddling his hips, my breasts pressed to his bare chest, and one of his hands rests on my thigh while the other tangles in my hair.
“I’m so crazy about you,” I whisper. “So terribly, insanely crazy.”
“As I am for you,” he answers, lifting the hair from my neck to place a kiss at the base of my throat and then higher, just below the jaw. “I just hope this wasn’t a mistake.”
Our bodies are still warm and slick. With anyone else I’d feel self-conscious, but with Dane it’s natural and right. I touch my mouth to his, kiss him gently and then hungrily, feeling famished and starved for him again already. “Why would it be a mistake?”
“There are still so many unknowns in your life—”
“Like what?”
“You’re still married,” he retorts grimly.
“But not for much longer.”
I can see his jaw work, tighten. “But what does that mean? How long is that? Weeks? Months? Years?”
“I don’t know. These things take time. There’s the whole custody issue, and then in New York you can’t have a no-fault divorce—”
“But are you pushing your lawyer to get things moving, or are you just letting it ride?”
“Well, I haven’t pushed hard because I guess I worry about the custody stuff. I don’t want to lose them.”
“But wouldn’t it be better to just know? To have it all settled rather than left in limbo?”
He makes a good point, as I think I do prefer the limbo. I’m nervous about having everything settled, nervous that the court could rule against me. Although I don’t think it’ll happen, it could… but then Dane’s right. At this point, I don’t know, and I can’t really plan my future.
The truck’s still running and the heater’s on, but I’m beginning to feel naked and cold.
“You’re right,” I say faintly, carefully climbing off his lap and onto my side of the seat to begin putting on my clothes. “I need to make the divorce a prior
ity. Need to get my lawyer moving things forward.”
“You sound pretty reluctant.”
I struggle to get my jeans up. “I’m afraid. Afraid a judge will rule that the boys need to be in New York, or living together, or split evenly between John and me, which would mean… it’d mean…”
“You’d return to New York,” Dane finishes for me as he watches me dress.
“But it won’t happen. I’m just being paranoid. Worst-case scenario and all,” I add, tugging my navy cashmere sweater over my head. “And the bottom line is, John won’t take the kids from me. He wouldn’t do that. He knows I’ve always put them first.”
“You trust him that much?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t. If he could deceive you all those years about his sexuality, I think he could deceive you about his intentions when it comes to the boys.”
“John’s not like that. He’s not a threat.”
“Of course he’s a threat. He’s the father of your boys and your partner for the last seventeen years. He’s a huge threat until your divorce is final and the boys’ custody is settled. Because otherwise he’ll always have the upper hand.”
He’s made another good point, but I’m not about to tell him so, and we finish dressing in silence. Once I buckle my seat belt, Dane shifts into drive and we head for my house. The drive home is so much longer than the drive to dinner.
At the house, we sit in the truck, engine idling, but I don’t move to get out. I feel terrible, horrible, and I don’t know what’s going to happen next.
“I don’t know what to say.” My voice is quiet, and I keep my gaze fixed on the string of colored lights Cooper tacked around the front porch yesterday. The Christmas lights are crooked and gaudy, but they remind me of my kids and I wouldn’t have them any other way.
“I don’t know, either.”
“Are you ending things with me?”
He sighs and runs a tired hand over his jaw. “Shey, no. But I also don’t think we’ve even gotten started.”
My stomach’s in knots as I turn to face him. “I don’t understand what’s happening. Things were going so good. Dinner was great. Sex was great—”
“Yeah, sex was great. Damn fantastic. But that’s because I have feelings for you, Shey. And yes, you have feelings for me, but my gut is telling me you’re still not available. And frankly, I can’t share you. I won’t.”
“You don’t have to!”
“I’m sharing you right now. John is still legally your husband. He has power over you. Your kids don’t know where they’re going to live. And Cooper tells me all the time that he’s afraid you’re moving back to New York this spring—”
“I’ve never said that!”
“You don’t have to. You look like you’re a short-timer. You haven’t bought your own car, fixed up this house, made any friends. You’re killing time here, not living here.”
“You’re wrong. I’m ready to settle down, ready to move forward, ready to make this my permanent home.”
“I hope so, darlin’. I really do.”
His voice is low and rough. I just stare into Dane’s face. His gaze is intense. “You won’t lose me, Dane. I’m nuts about you, and you have no idea how much I need you—”
“But that’s just it. I think I do. Your kids are a handful. Your husband’s gay. You’re lonelier than hell. It’s pretty obvious you’ve got some big holes in your life. But I’m not putty, and I can’t be a rebound. Not with you.”
The next morning, the boys help me haul Mama’s Christmas decorations down from the attic. While we sort through the mismatched ornaments and old strings of lights, I find myself thinking about Dane and only Dane.
I want to see him. Want to hear from him. Want, want, want. But what is the proper etiquette for an almost forty-year-old woman who has just reunited with her first love? Do I have to wait for him to call me? And how long is he going to wait before he does call?
But he doesn’t call. He drops by instead Sunday afternoon while I’m changing the sheets on my bed. I’m struggling to get the comforter back in its cover when I hear the engine of Dane’s big truck. I know it’s his and not Brick’s truck just by the sound of it.
Goose bumps cover my arms as I drop laundry onto the bed in my room, and I glance self-consciously into the mirror above the 1930s dresser. Jeans, red T-shirt, long, straight blond hair. No makeup. Just me, the real me.
“Mom,” Cooper shouts from the living room. “Dane’s here.”
And there goes my heart, I think, wiping my hands on the butt of my jeans before heading down the hall and out the front door to find Dane standing on the front walk. It’s almost dark, and his charcoal coat blends with the twilight.
“Hi,” I say, descending the front steps and walking toward him.
“Hello,” he answers. “How are you?”
“Good. Just doing laundry.”
He nods, glances past me to the house. “Any problems with the security system?”
I look at the house, too, and realize I haven’t yet plugged in the Christmas lights. “Did you drive all the way here to ask about the security system?”
“No. But I’m curious.”
“It’s great, although very high-tech. I don’t think NASA could install a more sophisticated system.”
“NASA actually uses the same Pelco cameras.”
“Yikes. That’s going to be a big bill.”
“It’s already taken care of.”
“You can’t pay for it—”
“I didn’t.” He sees my expression and adds, “Brick and I worked out a deal. We bartered services in exchange for the security system. I get hay and grain. You get motion detectors and alarms.”
“Thank you. It’s very kind of you—”
“Not kind,” he interrupts, the smile fading somewhat. “Concerned. I worry about you here all alone.”
“I’ve got the boys.”
“And they’re getting ready to leave again.”
“I’ve also got Brick.”
“He’s a mile away.”
“Dane,” I say, striving for patience, “I appreciate your concern, but I already have two big brothers who are overprotective. I don’t need another one.”
“Good. Because I don’t feel the least bit brotherly towards you. Not once. Not ever.” Then he turns and goes to his truck and opens the door. When he faces me, he has a wiggling brown-and-tan puppy in his arms.
He walks over to me and plunks the pup in my arms.
A German shepherd puppy.
“The final touches of your new security system,” Dane says, ruffling the pup’s head and scratching behind one small ear. “And a little more cuddly than motion detectors and cameras.”
I’ve got the puppy against my chest, which is a mistake since she’s determined to lick my chin. I love dogs, always had them in the family growing up, but it’s been years since I had one of my own. But a dog now? A dog when everything is so chaotic? “Oh, Dane, this isn’t a good idea. I’ve got my hands full as it is!”
“You’ll be fine, and the boys can help train her.”
“They don’t even listen to me. What makes you think they’ll be responsible—” And then my voice is drowned out as Cooper appears in the doorway and spots the puppy in my arms and shouts for his brother to come.
In seconds, both boys come bounding out of the house.
“A puppy!” Cooper exclaims, reaching my side first.
“Whose?” Bo demands, reaching in to give the puppy a welcoming pat.
“Yours,” Dane answers.
“Ours?” the boys practically chorus, looking from Dane to me and back again.
“You’ve got to train her, and help housebreak her, but she’s a very smart dog and she’ll be a good watchdog for your mom when you guys aren’t around.” Dane looks at me, and that small crooked smile is back. “As long as your mom agrees that you can keep her, of course.”
Dane is in so much trouble.
“We will,
Mom, we promise,” Coop pleads, sounding more like a six-year-old than a sixth grader. “Please, Mom!”
Cooper doesn’t realize that I’ve already capitulated. The puppy’s adorable, and her little lick of the chin sealed the deal. Besides, there’s no way I can fight Dane. Against him, I’ve never stood a chance.
“Fine,” I answer, avoiding meeting Dane’s eyes. “But I will hold you two responsible for house-training her.”
Dane smiles. “Figured you could use a girl in the house, Shey. You know, that whole estrogen thing.”
The boys take the pup into the house, and I give Dane a long, level look. “A puppy, Dane?”
“You love dogs.”
I don’t think he’s ever looked more rakish and rugged and appealing, but I’m seriously annoyed. “You can’t give someone a puppy and then drop-kick them out of your life.”
“You haven’t been drop-kicked out of my life. If anything, I’m doing everything I can to keep you safe so you’ll be in my life.”
“But Friday night you were upset.”
“I just think we both have to be careful. We can’t rush things. We should take it slow so we can make it work.”
“You’re not a rebound.”
“Good, because I don’t bounce real well.”
I grin and then remember the puppy. “But Dane… A German shepherd. She’s going to become a big dog.”
“You live on a big ranch.”
“What if we have to go back to New York? What do we do with her then?”
And just like that, the energy changes and Dane draws back. His expression is strange, shuttered, even mistrustful. “You give her to me, then,” he says in a curiously unemotional voice. And then with a faintly mocking smile, he returns to his truck.
At first, I don’t understand what happened. He went from warm to cold as if a switch had been thrown. What the hell happened?
And then I hear my voice in my head: What if we have to go back to New York…
Weird. Why did I say that? Why would I say that? I have no intention of returning to New York…
Do I?
Flustered, I chase after him. “Dane. Wait. I’m sorry—”
“No apologies necessary.” He cuts me off as he slides behind the steering wheel. “You said exactly what I needed to hear.”
She’s Gone Country Page 26