Her panic stopped me more thoroughly than a brick wall. I forgot everything else and squatted down in front of her. I gave her a hug and she embraced me back, still sobbing.
“Hey, it’s okay, Holly. It’s okay. He was way too big for you, but he’s gone, and I’m going to be fine. That was Jen’s daddy, and he was just very worried about her. That’s how daddies get sometimes, if they think their little girl is in trouble.”
After a few minutes, her sobs subsided. She pulled back, sniffed, and tried to wipe off her snotty face with her robe. I was too slow to stop her and get a tissue, so I just picked her up and carried her to her room. The whole way, a part of me was screaming to go find Jen, but I couldn’t abandon Holly.
Once back in her room, I tried to keep the anxiety out of my voice. “It’s getting late, Holly. I have to be getting home, and you have to be getting ready for bed. It’s been a long and tiring day.”
She nodded and then wrapped her arms tight around my neck. “Can I go home with you, Finn?”
I didn’t realize that anything of my heart had been left to mangle, but there was. I swallowed “No, not tonight, Holly.”
“Can you stay with me tonight?”
Yeah, that’s right little girl, get in there with that knife and mangle me some more. I sat down with her on her bed. It would have taken a crowbar to get her off my neck. “Holly, I’m so sorry, but I can’t tonight. I have to go find Jen and see if she’s all right. I’ll tell you what though, go get yourself ready for bed, and I’ll sing you to sleep.”
She was quiet for a moment, then she nodded and said, “Okay.”
She let go of her stranglehold, hopped off my lap and got herself changed in the bathroom.
She came back out after an unsuccessful attempt to clean up her face. I told her to get in bed and retrieved a warm wet washcloth. I came back in and carefully wiped her face clean. Just that little act of kindness helped her to relax into her bed with her stuffed animal. It was a mangy, well-loved penguin, of all things.
Smiling, I said, “Are you ready for your song?” She nodded, and I began singing to her little nonsense words to the tune that Il Saia had almost taken me out with—twice.
What I sang wasn’t identical to what the priestess had sung. Something told me this was a different time, and it demanded a different song. As I sang, the song seemed to call out for a little power, so I fed it as I sang. Holly relaxed even further. Her mouth formed a contented little smile and her eyes, still glued to my face, closed… opened, looked for me… closed… and stayed closed. I sang for a little while longer.
After I stopped, she didn’t stir. I made sure to tuck her securely under the light covers, kissed her on the forehead, and got up to leave. I should have expected it, but I jumped when I saw Anderson leaning on the door frame watching me intently with half-lidded eyes. Even after all this, I felt like I was a fascinating experiment for him.
When I approached the door, he shook off his sleepy expression. He stepped out of my way and said, “You’re very good with her, Finn.”
For some reason that made me feel self-conscious, so I just said, “She’s a good kid.”
“You almost had me falling asleep on my feet with that chant you sang to her. It seems very familiar, but I can’t place where I’ve heard it before. Do you know whose song it is?”
I shrugged, moved past him, and said, “Just something I heard from Jen. It got stuck in my mind.”
He walked with me down the hall. “So, where are you going now, Finn?”
“I’ve got to see if I can find Jen, make sure she’s all right.”
He was silent. As we walked up to and through the common area, he said, “You should consider just going home for the night, Finn. This has been a tough day for everyone. There is little chance that Dr. Washington is going to let you near his daughter. Let it go, and see what tomorrow brings.”
I couldn’t just let it go! I wanted to whirl around and hit him on his other cheek. I wanted to yell at him and throw things. I didn’t.
“You’re probably right. Good night, Doc.”
He offered me his hand, and reluctantly I took it. Amazingly, he didn’t mangle my hand this time. I guess all the excitement had wrung him out, too.
“Finn, you have helped a lot of people in this last week. You’ve made a big difference in their lives. Please concentrate on those victories instead of your losses, otherwise the guilt will overwhelm you.”
“I don’t know if I can. Daniel—” I choked up.
“Daniel’s death is a tragedy, but he willingly took the risk, Finn. You freed him from his bondage and he believed that you were worth dying to protect.”
“Are you going to take care of him? What are you going to tell his family, the police?”
“Like Holly, Daniel was alone in this world. We are the most family we had, and we will arrange for the funeral so you can say goodbye. ”
“I—” I didn’t even know what I wanted to say.
“You have all the strength you need to deal with this. Just allow yourself to be fallible and human.”
“I’ll think about it, Doc.” I left.
He called after me. “And Finn? When everything has had time to sink in, you will really need to talk to someone. My door is always open.”
I just kept walking and waved my arm as I went through the door. “G’night, Doc.”
On the way to my mom’s car, I thought about Dr. Anderson. Part of me really wanted to like him and treat him as a mentor when he said stuff like that. Another part of me really wanted to hate him, with his oh-so-calm and manipulative ways—especially that right-through-you stare of his. But, each time I decided one way or the other, he invariably gave me cause to swing the other direction. It was unsettling.
While driving home, I tried to shut down, to stop feeling, but it didn’t work. All my mind would think of was how easy it had been just to discard every moral value I had. I had been a willing collaborator with the darkest, most purely evil thing I could conceive of.
Spring, following my thoughts as usual, spoke up. You didn’t do any of those things Finn.
Yeah, because you stopped me!
One thing is for sure, This One. I couldn’t have forced you to do anything if a part of you didn’t want to do it.
I wanted to believe that, but part of me didn’t. Images of slaughter and feeding ran through my mind. Daniel’s cooling corpse in front of me. I could still feel the hunger and pleasure that they had brought me just a few hours earlier.
Spring, can you talk to me or just give me something else to think of?
Sure!
I heard a driving, techno drumbeat in my head, and she started to sing.
I hooked up with yo best friend
I stole your girlfriend,
I stood you up again,
Guess what? I’m still hot.
I bummed your last cigarette,
I lost your car in a bet,
I may be drunk, but so what,
I’m still hot.
Once again, I should have been drinking something so I could have spit it all over the car. I asked in astonishment, What the hell was that?
She answered a little defensively; You wanted something to distract you…
I laughed and said, It sure did the job. Where did you hear that song?
She hesitated before answering. I mistakenly put it down to embarrassment. Uh, I couldn’t say.
Did you write it?
Oh, no. It’s called “I’m Still Hot.”A girl named Luciana wrote it. It’s a classic! You don’t like it?
I tried to stifle my laughter since she seemed self-conscious about it. I reassured her. No, Spring, it just took me by surprise… Spring, how did you do the drums for that song?
She seemed relieved to talk about that. Oh, it wasn’t hard. I just projected it from me to you. It’s actually easier than doing a full-sensory sim for you.
Spring never failed to flabbergast me. Full sensory sim? Did you really jus
t say that?
She answered, The words are all there sitting in your brain, and it’s not like I have anything better to do. It’s just like the worlds I created in your mind when we were courting.
Courting? I wouldn’t call wild monkey sex every night courting. I suppose there were a couple of dreams before she started having her way with me. Holy crap! Those had seemed so real! Could we try it again tonight?
Of course, This One.
I warmed when she called me the name she had given me so long ago, back when we were innocent and carefree—last week. For the rest of the ride, we talked about it. My mind was so busy boggling at the possibilities that when I got home, I didn’t even cry when Mom and Dad embraced me in a big hug. They had no clue what had been happening to me. They just thought I was with friends, mourning Gregg all night.
I couldn’t even begin to dredge up the strength to tell them about what had happened, so I excused myself quickly and headed up to bed. I jumped into my PJ’s, considered not brushing or flossing, but I just couldn’t do it. Lifelong conditioning is hard to break. I settled for doing it quickly. The need to hold Spring in my arms again made me half-crazy.
“Okay, Spring! Bring it on,” I said aloud.
It works better when you’re almost asleep.
I knew there would be a catch. “What? There is no way I’m going to be able to sleep while I’m thinking about seeing you again!”
Shhh, just relax… A delicious feeling of lethargy hit me. It was like how you feel when you’re past bone tired, and on your way to overtired, and you finally got to lie down. You knew sleep was going to come and pull you down into its liquid, warm embrace…
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
I was in a warm, still forest. The sun penetrated the leafy canopy above and dribbled little bits of sunshine across the wild growth of the forest floor. I recognized it as the place where I had first met Spring in my dreams. Just like then, I heard her mischievous giggle. Just like then, I couldn’t see her. She wanted me to chase her: definitely not what I had in mind.
I pleaded with her. “Spring, please! I just need to be held. Please, let’s not do this.”
Spring giggled and stepped out from behind a tree to my right. She was a goddess, dressed in flowing white robes, which showed off her generous breasts. She had decorated her long wavy evergreen hair with leaves and flowers. I ran to her and swept her up into my arms. I spun around effortlessly with her before I put her back down in front of me. I buried my face into her warm neck and took in the smell of flowers and earth and spring rains. My desire flared into incandescence. It didn’t seem possible that one person could hold so much passion and not melt or explode.
I hungrily kissed her warm full lips, tasted the honeysuckle and thyme of her breath. I couldn’t pull myself away. I held her face with both hands and started kissing every inch of it. I pulled my head back just enough to look into her deep, inhuman, emerald green eyes, eyes that I could drown in, eyes that I had last looked into as she died in my arms.…
I couldn’t bear thinking of it, so I crushed her to me and just held her. “Oh, Spring, I love you so much. I’ve missed you so much! Thank you! Thank you.”
I held her like that while she held me and stroked my hair. “And, I love you, my sunshine, my rain, my source.”
I pulled back again and gave her a long passionate kiss as I put my arms around her shoulders and dragged her down to the ground on top of me. Her weight upon me was an anchor that filled me with peace. She giggled as I kissed her some more.
That’s when I realized what was different. I’d never had to take the initiative with her. I never once had to take clothes off her. She always came into my room, naked, luscious, and ravenous. The only choice I had was to sit back and sing my praises to God—the God who, at the time, obviously loved me. Yet, now she lay on top of me, returning my kisses, but not making any other move.
I stopped and pushed her up a little so I could look into her heartbreaking eyes, searching them for answers.
She smiled at me fondly, making my heart flutter again. God, she was beautiful. Her next words broke my heart. “Finn, I don’t think we should make love.”
That was a bucket of cold water over my burning libido.
“What?”
“Finn, what you are feeling right now is a need to affirm life. You feel the need to procreate—to deny death and celebrate being alive.”
I blinked in shock. “So, what’s wrong with that?”
She propped herself up on her elbows and ran her fingers through my hair. “There is nothing wrong with it. Nothing at all. It is just that coupling with me is no longer an act of life. I am part of you now, and nothing can come of our lovemaking.”
I tried not to pull my hair out. “Don’t you get it? That’s a bonus! We don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant!”
“It is ultimately pointless, Finn, and it is not fair to you.”
I pushed her off of me and sat up, angry now. “What do you mean, not fair to me? What the frack does fair have to do with it? Was any of this fair? Was it fair that Gregg died protecting us? Was it fair that I didn’t even give enough of a frack to try and save him?”
She sat back on her knees and looked at me, compassion written across her impossibly perfect face. Even now, her beauty distracted me—and she knew it.
“Finn, if we were to make love this way, it would do nothing but turn you in on yourself. It’s not fair to you. I’m the embodiment of beauty to you. You chose this form for me. There is no woman on earth who can compete with me for your seed. If we do this, you may never find a true human woman to mate with. You would never find love, you would never have children, and your seed would die off. The world will have nothing left of you.”
“I don’t care! I thought I had lost you forever, and now I’ve found you again. Don’t you see? Don’t you see that you are the only one I want?”
“And you do have me. I am part of you and you’re part of me. That will never change, but I will not be a part of your complete extinction. You are too important for that. Too vital. Too strong.”
I could feel her resolve on this. I knew I couldn’t break it. Sometimes sharing a mind sucked. I wanted to kick and scream and throw things, but I knew it wouldn’t help either her or me.
I crumbled. “Please, Spring, I need you so much! Please! Just this once! One last time and then we.…” I choked. “Let it be done after that. If I don’t make love to you tonight, I think I’ll die.”
She knew I was being sincere. There could be no doubt in her mind that I really felt that way. Drop a line like that on a human woman, and she will laugh at you. With Spring, she could feel my sincerity, and she agreed. I knew the moment she changed her mind, and my heart surged. It rocked when someone could read your mind.
As soon as she changed her mind, she smiled at me mischievously, setting off her dimples, and slowly started peeling off her lacy white gown. I drank her in like a man might drink from a lake in a desert. Words kind of fail here. I was intoxicated. I was flying. I left everything behind but her, her smell, her taste, her touch.
We consummated our love one last time. At first, I was frantic to remember every part of her, every feeling and emotion. I made love to her as if I was afraid she would dissolve. But, with her encouragement, I slowed down to immerse myself in every last moment. Before that point in my life, I’d have rolled my eyes at someone who talked about bittersweet moments. After that point, I realized what a shallow little jerk I could be.
A long while later, we fell asleep under the green canopy, dappled with brilliant blue sky, in the warmth of each other’s arms. That night went a long way toward washing away the dirty greasiness left behind by the shadow’s touch on my soul.
Jen
The next morning, I stood in front of the Washington’s, watching the movers going into the house and carrying out boxes and furniture. They reminded me of a stream of worker ants. My heart was again visiting my stomach. Knowing th
at they were leaving and taking Jen with them just emphasized the loss of Gregg from my life. I steeled myself for what was to come and went up to the open front door.
Inside, I saw Dr. Washington himself directing movers.
I cleared my throat and said, “Dr. Washington?”
His face filled with more loathing and hatred than any face should be able to hold.
“Get out of my house and off my property!”
“But, sir, I just wanted to know—”
“I don’t care what you want. Get out!”
“But, I need to know how Jen is—”
He crossed the room and loomed above me from where I stood, down one step from the door. “It’s none of your damn business! Now get out, or I won’t be responsible for breaking your miserable neck.” He held both his hands clenched at his sides. I believed him.
Uh, maybe you better listen to the very large, very angry man Finn.
Damn, this sucked. I didn’t stand up to adults much, and Dr. Washington was truly a frightening man when he was angry. But, I was getting angry, too. I thought of everything I had gone through. I thought about not being able to see Jen and talk to her at least one more time. That stoked my own anger right up.
“Look,” I said, “just let me see her, and then I’ll be gone from your life.”
“I want you gone now. Now go!”
“No.”
“No?” A young man, one-third his size, thwarting him momentarily had him stymied. He was a doctor, a healer, and obviously not used to violence. The respite didn’t last long. He pulled his right fist up and back to smite me where I stood.
Now, fear added to my anger. Getting hit with a sledgehammer couldn’t be scarier.
I put my fear, anger, and will into my words when I commanded him, “Don’t move! You’re going to stand aside while I go see Jen. You’re not going to stop me!”
He just stood there. No lights or special effects to be seen. He just stood there like a wax statue of Dr. Anderson. That scared me almost as much as his fists. I relaxed a little when Spring told me, He’s all right, Finn—just stuck.
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