Except when it came to me. He had held himself back from me. That was what hurt the most. That he could never truly love me without the reservations that came from my previous life.
And that was no life, either.
To be so close to what I wanted and know it only served as poison. Cole was the best thing that had ever happened to me. And the worst person for me.
My heart broke even as my resolve strengthened.
I drew a deep breath. “I think…I think I’d like you to go now.” I dropped my gaze, too raw to hold his eyes in the mirror. I couldn’t face all of the emotions he was finally letting show. Everything I’d been waiting for. Wishing for.
“What?”
Cole tried to turn me in his arms but I moved away, covering myself with my robe.
“Please. Go.”
“Madison, I know you didn’t realize about your mother—”
“And that makes what you did okay?” I felt like screaming, he was so removed from the truth. I held onto my anger, knowing it was the only thing that would get me through the next few minutes. “Don’t you get it, Cole? You lied to me. I don’t want to live with lies.”
Cole scrubbed a hand through his hair, confusion clouding his features. “This is stupid. I had good reason not to tell you.”
“A good reason for you. But not a good enough reason for me.” I moved to the other side of the bed, hugging my arms to my chest to stop myself running back to him. “All my life I’ve done what everyone else wanted. Except when it came to you.” I shook my head, my throat constricted. “I was willing to give up my relationship with my mother. For you. What did you give me in return?” My question sparked a flicker of anger in my belly and I clung to it, cultivating it like the fragile flame it was.
“I barely know you.” Cole held up his hands as if trying to stop me. “You can’t expect me to—”
“To what? Trust me?” I asked the question for him. “And yet I trusted you.”
“It’s not that easy,” Cole protested.
“It is that easy.” It had been for me. I looked at him, my heart aching for what could have been. Never again would I sell myself short. And with Cole, I would always be left wondering what he harbored under the seething mess of his anger. What he really thought of me. He’d made me confront myself and in the end it hadn’t been enough for him.
I tipped my face toward him, letting him see the truth. “I want you to leave. Please.”
Cole shook his head, his gaze swinging from me to the door and back again, disbelief hardening into anger. “If I go, Jess will come with me,” he threatened. “You’ll be left with nothing. No one.”
“I know.” The idea of losing Jess hurt almost as much as the thought of losing Cole. But maybe it was better this way. Maybe I had to be truly stripped of everything before I could begin to rebuild on my own.
“Have it your way.” Cole pushed past me and strode down the hall to Jess’s room. “But you’re making a huge mistake.”
“I might be,” I admitted, holding back my tears. “At least it’s my mistake.”
I locked myself in me bathroom, letting the sound of raised voices and slamming doors wash over me. Perched on the edge of the tub, I held still, staring at the door, praying Cole would burst in and tell me he didn’t mean it…that he loved me.
The fact he didn’t only confirmed what I had known all along. Cole could never forgive me for being Madison St. James.
The final slam of the front door rattled the walls and the apartment fell quiet. Only then did I venture out of the bathroom into the empty rooms.
Or nearly empty.
“I told him I wasn’t leaving.” Jess stood in the doorway of her bedroom, her chin jutting upward. “Unless you want me to?” Her eyes flickered uncertainly.
It was seeing Jess that did it. Knowing I had someone, when I thought I had just lost everything. I fell to my knees, finally giving in to the grief of my breaking heart. My friend rushed over and held me tight, telling me everything would be all right.
When we both knew nothing could ever be the same.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Madison
My stomach churned. It’d taken years for Patricia St. James to hone her daughter into the polished, professional everybody saw when I stepped onto the catwalk. But I still suffered stage fright every time.
It was stupid that my knees went weak at this, after everything that’d happened in my life in the last few weeks. I hadn’t seen Cole since he’d left at the start of the month. Jess had been in touch with him, but we’d reached an unspoken pact not to talk about him. It was still too raw.
At least with Jess, I had found a measure of inner peace to wrap around the void Cole left behind. I willed away the dull ache in my chest that accompanied my thoughts whenever Cole came to mind. Which was all too often.
I’d had plenty of time to think things over. Logan had called me into his office on that first Monday—post-Cole—to fire me.
“Your mother’s cutting off my allowance.” He’d been bitter. As if he’d actually done anything to earn it in the first place. “But I’ll get a bonus payment if I let you go.”
I had snorted indelicately. “My mother’s going to pay you a bonus?”
“Yes, but only if I fire you.”
That was when reality had hit. I had slumped into a chair, wondering when the fuck I was going to catch a break.
“Shit. Logan.” I’d scrambled for a way out. “I thought we were friends? At least let me keep the job.”
“And I thought you were my fiancée,” he’d said. “Sorry, Madison. I can’t go without any money and all things considered, your mother’s paying me well to cut you off.” He’d cleared his throat, shuffling his feet awkwardly as I had glared at him. “But…” He’d rolled his eyes as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was about to do. “But I didn’t say anything about not writing you a good reference, or helping you get another position.” The beginnings of his trademark grin had emerged.
I had gratefully taken him up on his offer. I hadn’t managed to find a new job yet, but with Logan’s help, I’d succeeded in securing a couple of interviews. It was a start.
And as much as my mother had postured and growled and worked with Logan to get me fired, she hadn’t completely abandoned me either. Money had turned up in my bank account a few days later. Patricia had heard about Cole leaving no doubt, and figured I had finally come to my senses.
I hadn’t told her otherwise. I wasn’t fool enough to ignore the money and mother hadn’t pressed me about returning home. Augmented by Jess’s portion of the rent, I should be able to manage financially, for a while at least.
My attention turned back to the gap in the curtains and I held back the queasiness in my belly. A sea of faces gawked in my direction, waiting for the show. The audience only saw the final polish of the finished performance—they’d never see the frantic activity behind the curtains; the tangle of long-limbs struggling into tight designer clothes, the hot smell of lights and make-up and dry cleaning chemicals.
Turning away, I caught sight of my reflection in one of the mirrors. I eyed myself critically. My make-up was flawless. Eyes smoky-hot, highlighted with bronze, while my lashes were long and lustrous, thick-crusted with mascara. The gown fit me perfectly, a cloud of black and gold dreams. Not that I cared how I looked. Tonight, not even exquisite clothes could deliver a much-needed boost of confidence.
Don’t think about him. For the thousandth time, I hauled my thoughts back from Cole.
We’d been doomed from the start. He’d been my rebound guy. That was what I was telling myself. One last little white lie to ease me through the pain.
Except somewhere along the line, I’d fallen in love. Cole was everything I’d been missing in my previous shallow existence. He was proud of who he was, right or wrong. He stood up for what he believed in. For those he believed in. He didn’t let anyone tell him who he was, because he already knew.
Cole Langfor
d. The one man who would never be able to reciprocate my feelings for him. Cole would never love me the way I needed to be loved. The way he had taught me it could be. Unrelenting. Passionate. Real.
“Hey. You’re up next.”
I jumped as one of the assistants touched my arm and pointed at the starting position on the catwalk. No time left for nerves. Ignoring the mutters of protest from behind me, I took an extra moment to center myself.
Three…two…one…
I pulled up a smile and walked out on stage.
There were scattered gasps of appreciation from the crowd. My smile broadened, my nerves ebbing away as I settled into my practiced walk, sashaying to the end of the catwalk. There, I stopped and executed a slow turn, sweeping the full fabric of my skirt around so it would catch the light. Impulsively, I hammed it up, blowing a kiss into the crowd. A man in the front row caught it and everyone laughed as he clutched my kiss to his heart before throwing it back.
One more pose and I pivoted to begin my return walk.
My eyes collided with Jess’s. In the audience? Two rows back. And beside Jess…
The blood drained from my face. Cole. Angry Cole, with an icy expression full of hatred. I stumbled slightly, my legs threatening to give way. His lips compressed and he looked like he wanted to yank me off the stage.
Wrenching away my gaze was impossible. Despite his obvious anger, I wanted to drink in my fill, memorize every inch of his face and hold it close. All too soon, I swept past and stumbled down the steps backstage.
Cole. Here? The knowledge should have terrified me. So why did I suddenly feel lighter, less nervous? From the moment I had laid eyes on him, something inside me had settled and felt right.
That he hated me so much was shattering.
I squashed the thought firmly back into a dark, secret place. I only had a few moments to change and pull myself together before I had to go back out. Later, I could deal with my heart being broken all over again.
“Madison?” One of the assistant’s bustled over with the next dress for me to wear.
I drew a deep breath and squared my shoulders. Instead of diving into the nearest clothes rack to hide, I stripped off the beautiful gown and got ready to go out on stage. Put on a show.
Every time I walked out, I could feel his presence in the room—a hum in the air louder than the buzz of excitement from the crowd.
The good thing about seeing Cole? At least I wasn’t suffering from stage fright anymore.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Cole
I couldn’t stop staring.
I tried to pretend like I couldn’t see Madison, but not watching every move was like trying not to breathe. I was compelled to look, each step a punch to the heart, each time she disappeared the burn of panic reaching out to sear my self-control.
I hadn’t known what to expect, seeing her again. Maybe for her to be a little more cut-up after our break-up—certainly not to see Madison strut out on stage like nothing was wrong and blow a kiss into the crowd. That had snatched my attention all right. My breath had slammed out of my body, a hot knife of jealousy skewering me straight through my gut. I’d leaned forward in my seat, halfway to ripping her off the stage and beating my chest.
Mine. Mine. Mine.
These last few weeks had been the worst of my life. I’d walked out on Madison, all pumped up with my own self-righteousness, my total arrogance having me believe I’d had every right to treat her as I had.
Later, of course, I’d come to my senses. Oh, I’d tried to ignore it at first. I’d knocked back a few scotches with Marcus, trying to drown out the thunder of my heart under a cloud of alcohol, bury it beneath the white-hot buzz.
It hadn’t worked. Marcus, the bastard, with his new found appreciation of love and all-things Abby, had seen straight through me. He’d called me a fucking fool and told me to get my shit together. By the time I was through, I had been crying into my drink, muttering about karma.
I thought I’d lost everything that night. Madison. Jess. My business.
But once again human nature had surprised me. Jess had come to see me. Not only that, but she’d dropped her churlish attitude and offered me advice. Me! About life. About Madison.
I was still getting over it. I glanced beside me to Jess, my chest swelling with love and pride for my sister. Her eyes sparked with excitement as she commented on each dress parading down the catwalk, digging me in the ribs whenever Madison stepped on stage.
As if I didn’t realize she was there.
I’d told Jess everything. Every. Little. Thing. What had happened while I was at college, how the rest of the family had reacted after her accident, even Salamond Holdings. I had expected Jess to be devastated, angry and bitter like I was, but she’d surprised me again by shrugging.
Fucking shrugging.
“It’s in the past and it doesn’t change what happened,” she’d said. “Mom didn’t care about being on the wrong side. She never hated them, although she had every reason to. She just got on and proved she didn’t need them.”
Jess had humbled me. Then humiliated me as she’d launched into another attack over Madison.
“I know. I know.” I’d stopped her halfway through the tirade about all the dumbass things I’d done, holding up a hand to halt the deluge of recriminations I’d deserved.
“So, what are you going to do about it?” She’d surveyed me, hands on hips.
I had taken a breath. Let it out. “I don’t know,” I’d groaned.
“Then you better listen.” My sister’s face had become fierce. “Because I’m going to tell you exactly what you need to do.”
And here I sat. In the middle of the very people I’d sworn to stay away from. The haves versus the have-nots. Power. Money. My gut tightened and I rubbed the hair at my nape as Madison made another stunning entrance.
I didn’t move, couldn’t think, until she’d walked out of my view.
It was her. It had always been her.
Hell, money was only paper with pretty pictures. Love was love. Yeah. I loved Madison. I’d been free-falling from fifty thousand feet ever since we’d met.
And the impact of losing her was like landing without a parachute. Hard. Devastating.
I didn’t blame Madison for going back to the lifestyle she knew. Seeing her now. Poised, polished, so damn perfect. Right where she belonged. Madison wasn’t just part of this crowd—she was the very heart of it.
I couldn’t compete with that.
The way I’d treated her…not trusting her…the constant accusations… I lowered my eyes, my stomach knotting. I was no better than Patricia St James, blaming her for every shitty thing in my life when she’d been the very best thing in it.
I would gladly sacrifice all my money, my development, if it meant she’d come back. I’d hobnob with her mother. Bow and scrape to the Langfords. I meant it too. Jess had gotten hold of Thomas, and I’d met with him, intending to have it out with him and bargain my business against my love for Madison.
Only to find out I’d been wrong once again. Thomas had never been part of Russell’s nefarious plan. In fact, he was helping me fight against Salamond Holdings. I didn’t know what kind of strings Thomas could pull, but dealings around the injunction had suddenly gone quiet.
Thomas had also provided last minute tickets for tonight’s ball. Thomas and I still had a ways to go to make things right, but he seemed eager to cross family lines and initiate a relationship with his long-lost cousins. Jess was delighted.
It had taken me time to get over the fact I’d been wrong about Thomas. My sense of right was the one thing that had gotten me through the very worst parts of my life. That I could look at myself and know I was doing the right thing. It had been a huge blow to find out I’d been wrong.
And in my heart, hadn’t I always known the truth about Madison? Shame for my actions had held me back from contacting her straight away. I only had one chance to set things straight and I didn’t want to blow it. Lo
sing her once had made me cautious. A feeling I wasn’t used to. I had no right to expect her trust after what I’d done, although it wouldn’t stop me from trying.
And I was sick of waiting. I got up from my seat as Madison stepped behind the curtain again, only to find the restraining arm of Jess holding me back.
“Not yet,” she cautioned, giving me a stern look. “You’ll get your chance.”
I didn’t know how I got through the rest of the show without breaking her fingers, ripping my seat to shreds and tossing myself at the stage. But finally, the spotlights faded and the compere came out to hype up the crowd to make generous bids at the back of the venue. Scared I’d miss Madison, I didn’t move until I saw her emerge from the curtain with some of the other models to rousing applause. Only then did my breath loosen.
Unrestrained, I jumped up and headed straight for her.
Shit.
There were too many people swamping the models. I lost track of Madison as she melted into the crowd. Scanning the room, I caught sight of Jess up close and personal with one of the medical staff. Arguing. I rolled my eyes. That’d be Jess. Normally I would have waded in to check she was okay, but I had more important things to take care of. And—as Jess so rightly pointed out—she could look after herself.
Damn it. I’d lost Madison. My heart plummeted as I cast an eye around the room, searching for the leggy blonde I loved with all my heart.
Had she seen me and made her escape? My hands tightened into fists. No matter. I’d track her clear across Baltimore if it came to that. No way was I letting her go tonight.
I began wending my way through the crowd to the door, thinking to head Madison off at the exit.
Chapter Thirty
Madison
“Darling, you look wonderful.”
My mother met me at the edge of the stage and linked arms, anchoring me to her side. Without pausing for a reply, she ushered me through the crowd, making a beeline for the governor and his posse of important people.
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