The Blank Canvas (Apartment #2)

by Amanda Black

  “That’s love, bro,” Eric answered simply. “I tried to tell you that. You finally got bitten by the Foster bug. I don’t know what it is about us, but we don’t love lightly—or gently. Look at me and Maggie. There are times I think I could strangle her with my bare hands, she gets under my skin so bad, but I couldn’t fucking function without her in my life. She’s like my oxygen. She’s really my other half, and whenever I have to leave her for work, I feel like I’ve been ripped in two.”

  “That’s how I feel, and it scares the shit out of me! There’s no way she could have felt anything like that for me, even if she was having a good time. That’s why I’ve been hoping she got married, and at least something good came from my leaving.”

  “Ethan, pull your head out of your ass!” Eric yelled, his frustration reaching a breaking point.

  “Huh?”

  “That is not what you want, and you know it! You just want to be able to not feel guilty for leaving her that way. And like it or not, you can’t just decide what other people should and shouldn’t feel. Who the fuck do you think you are to belittle her feelings and assume that she isn’t capable of that kind of love?”

  “Wait, no. It’s not that I don’t think she’s capable. It’s just that…”

  “What?” Eric growled, clearly growing tired of his excuses.

  “Well, why the hell would she feel it for me?” he asked, his voice dripping with insecurity. “I’m not worth it. I didn’t bring anything to the table but my dick, and that is not enough to base a relationship on.”

  “Do you honestly think you’re the first couple who hooked up before they worked out the finer details? Shit, Maggie sucked me off at some frat party before I even learned her name. We were just drawn to each other. It was insane. And I don’t think Emma and Brandon spoke more than ten words to each other the whole first year they were dating—they were too busy fucking like rabbits.”

  “But this is diff—”

  “Ethan, she still called off the wedding,” Eric cut in, allowing his words to hang in the air as his confused brother attempted to decipher them.

  “But—but she,” Ethan stammered.

  “And she moved out of her father’s house.” Eric looked like he was starting to enjoy making Ethan squirm.

  “She moved? Where? Did she leave town?” Ethan was breathing rapidly, only seconds away from a total meltdown.

  “Oh, you don’t like not knowing where someone you care about is living?” he replied with an evil grin. “Does the possibility of her disappearing off the face of the earth and never hearing from her again bother you?”

  “God dammit! Where the fuck is she?!” Ethan snarled, reaching forward and grabbing Eric by the shirt with clenched fists.

  “Not so nice, is it?” Eric calmly replied, unflinching in the face of so much rage. He watched as realization slowly dawned on Ethan, his face morphing from one of fury to one of anguish. He could actually see the moment when it all sank in, and Ethan finally knew what he had done to his family and the woman he loved.

  Releasing Eric’s shirt gently and sitting back in his chair, he ran his hands over his face and up into his hair, fisting dirty handfuls with a loud groan. “I’ve really lost her, haven’t I?” he choked out.

  “I don’t know, man,” Eric answered honestly. “She was really hurting for a long fucking time. For as much as she’s changed, there’s still a sadness in her eyes. I don’t know if she would take you back now or not, but if there’s a chance that your sorry ass is the only thing that will make her happy then it’s my job to drag you back there.”

  Ethan’s eyes lit up. “So she’s still in Aledo?”

  “Yes, asshole, she’s still in Aledo,” he sighed.

  Ethan’s face fell as another possibility dawned on him. “But what if she won’t see me? What if she refuses to take me back?”

  “Then that’s her choice to make, but at least you gave her the choice. It’s a hell of a lot better than making all of her decisions for her and running off with your tail between your legs. Besides, even if she makes you jump through hoops, I really can’t see her blowing you off completely. She’s fucking shacked up in that piece of shit apartment just to be close to you.”

  “She’s living there?” he gasped, a whole new feeling of hope sweeping through him.

  “Yeah. I think it’s fucked up, personally, but she just tells me to butt out, so I do.”

  “Then what the fuck are we waiting for?” Ethan snapped, jumping up and running into the bedroom. He stopped short in the entrance when he noticed that all of his bags had already been packed and were sitting in the middle of the freshly made bed.

  “Our flight’s in three hours,” Eric said behind him, clapping his large hand down on his shoulder. “I didn’t know what you wanted done with the canvases, so I’m sure you’ll need to make some calls.”

  As Ethan nodded eagerly and made to reach for his phone, Eric squeezed harder on his shoulder and yanked him back to his side. “Not so fast, stinky. Do us all a favor and get your skinny ass in the shower. I’m not taking you anywhere looking like that.”

  * * *

  An hour later, Ethan was cleaner than he’d been in days. His scruffy three-day beard had been shaved off, but it only served to highlight his newly bruised skin. He’d arranged for his paintings to be shipped and was bouncing around excitedly as they grabbed his bags and left the hotel.

  “Dude, I’m glad to see you so lively and all,” Eric said as they entered the cab for the airport, “but I hope you know that you aren’t going straight to her.”

  Ethan’s face fell as if someone had flipped a switch. “What do you mean? I need to see her!”

  “Yeah, I know. But you need to get yourself together first. You’re in no shape to go wooing, douchebag. Besides, the entire family is waiting for me to drag you back dead or alive, so I’m pretty sure the inquisition is going to happen as soon as you walk in the door.”

  “Oh God,” Ethan groaned.

  “Yeah, I know,” he said again, chuckling this time. “But you need to let them love you, bro. Give them the chance to show you that they aren’t judging you. They may beat your ass worse than I did at first, but it’s only because they’ve been so worried.”

  They were both silent for a while as they drove through the busy streets, staring out at the bright lights as they streaked by in the darkness.

  “Eric?” Ethan’s quiet voice broke the silence.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.”

  Eric nodded quickly but didn’t say anything, preferring to leave it be, but that didn’t stop the small smile from reaching his face as he turned to look out the window again.

  For the first time in years, he felt like he had his brother back.

  Chapter 5

  As Ethan pulled his crappy Nissan rental car—the only one he could get on short notice—into the familiar parking lot, he couldn’t stop a fresh wave of nerves from overtaking him when he saw the monstrous Oldsmobile parked in his old spot.

  She was there.

  She was there, and he had absolutely no idea how she was going to receive him— or if she would receive him. He hadn’t exactly called her to give her a heads up that he was in town; in fact, he still didn’t even have her phone number.

  Truthfully, he didn’t want to give her the chance to run away before he could see her again, and there was also a small part of him that hoped she might give him her number herself—if he was brave enough to ask for it. It hadn’t escaped him that while he had done just about everything under the sun with her sexually, he was still terrified of something as simple as asking for her phone number. That was the kind of thing you were supposed to do when you first met someone you were interested in. Not fuck them roughly on a kitchen counter.

  They certainly had a knack for doing things backwards.

  Ethan made his way across the lot, slowly approaching the familiar staircase that led up to the apartment. As he quietly walked up the steps, he
couldn’t help but recall the last time he’d been in that very spot, carrying an eager Lily upstairs to screw her six ways to Sunday. It had been the same day he’d learned her name.

  Once again: backwards.

  He had to force himself to think of something else, already feeling his body responding to the memory. He couldn’t help it lately—just the slightest thought of her caused him to react that way. When combined with specific memories of what they had done together, it was damn near painful. The whole time he had been gone, he had felt dead to the world, numb to every sensation but his grief. However, over the last week since he’d been home again, he found that he was more high strung than he’d been in years, as if his entire body was on high alert for Lily—as if it could sense she was close.

  When he finally got control of his thoughts and his flesh, Ethan stepped forward the last few feet and raised his hand to knock. His knuckles were less than an inch from the door when a muffled voice inside made him pause. He pressed his ear to the wood, hoping to make out whom the voice belonged to. If she was entertaining company or had a… guest… he didn’t want to disrupt her night.

  “No, Mom… I’m fine. Why do you keep asking me that?”

  It was definitely her voice and just the sound of it caused a deep ache in his chest. He listened for a reply, but there was none, only Lily again. “It’s been months now, for God’s sake! You didn’t even know Scott, why do you care that it’s over?” More silence. “Oh, please! I know you are just concerned, but I’m a big girl. I’m the one who ended it, remember? I wouldn’t have done that if I wasn’t ready to be alone.”

  She was obviously talking on the phone, but it didn’t stop Ethan from listening further. The topic itself was interesting enough, but what he couldn’t get over was how lovely her voice sounded. He had somehow forgotten that. He knew it was beautiful, but he had forgotten the way it made him feel whenever he heard it.

  “No, I don’t feel guilty. I actually just spoke with him the other day, and he’s doing great.… Yeah, really. He took that garage job I told you about in St. Louis after Sam kicked him out … I know, he was always a dick. Anyway, he loves it there and he’s even dating already… I don’t know, some girl named Abby or something, that’s not important right now. What’s important is that he called me up out of the blue to thank me. He said that he never would have had the courage to move on if I hadn’t called bullshit on our entire relationship.”

  Ethan wanted to smack himself after hearing that. If he had only given her a little more time, if he had only trusted her to know what she wanted in life, then they would be together already rather than him standing outside their—her—door like a stalker.

  He heard her groan in frustration before speaking again. “No, I do not feel lonely all by myself. I actually do way more now than I ever did living at Dad’s and dating Scott. I go out with friends from work now. Hell, I actually have friends from work now. I have a life again. I’m sorry if you think I need a man to make the world go ’round, but I am perfectly content to let it happen in its own time. We can’t all be defined by the men we marry. How is number four, by the way?”

  He could hear her pacing around the front room as she listened to her mother, back and forth across the floor, and he could almost taste her desperation to end the call. Not allowing himself to stall another minute, he rapped lightly on the door.

  “Hold on a sec, someone’s at the door … I don’t know who … No, I don’t have a peep hole … Yes, Dad has already told me that I should install one. My God, would you please be quiet for a second?”

  Ethan held his breath as her footsteps approached, but nothing could have prepared him for what the sight of her would do to him.

  Lily opened the door with her cell phone held against her collarbone, a look of mild curiosity on her face. She was still in her scrubs from work, a fact that he was trying very hard not to focus on, and her long hair was swept up into a loose bun. She looked flushed and healthy, and even more beautiful than he remembered. He instantly felt as if someone had punched him in the gut, knocking the wind out of him and causing him to feel lightheaded.

  Once Lily realized who she was looking at, she froze like a deer in headlights, dropping her phone to the floor with a loud thud. Her mother’s voice could be heard throughout the room—a distant, tinny sound, as if some mouse had suddenly wandered into the apartment and started yelling. When Lily made no move for the phone, continuing to stare at him as if a ghost had appeared, Ethan slowly bent over and picked it up. Without ever taking his eyes from hers, he carefully lifted it up to her face as if she were a caged animal that might strike out at him at any moment.

  Her mother’s voice still squeaked out between them. “Lily?! Are you alright? Do I need to call your father? Hello?”

  He watched as she blinked a few times rapidly, as if noticing the voice for the first time. She glanced at the cell phone and swallowed quickly, reaching up to pull it from his fingers without allowing their skin to touch. When she had a firm grasp on it again she held it to her ear.

  “Mom, I’m sorry, I have to let you go.” Her eyes were back on his as she listened for another moment. “No, everything’s fine. I just dropped the phone… but I do need to hang up now. Talk to you soon.” Without waiting to hear another word, she ended the call and tossed the phone on the half-round table against the wall.

  Lily stared at him for another thirty seconds in complete silence.

  “What… what are you doing here?” she finally whispered.

  Ethan fought off the urge to pull her close, wanting nothing more than to hold her in his arms again, but knowing that he needed to go about things very carefully to avoid scaring her away.

  “May I please come in?”

  She rocked on her feet briefly, startled by the effect his words had on her body. The velvety richness of his voice washed over her in a tidal wave of heat, and for a second she felt as though she had just been given her first drops of water after wandering the desert for days.

  He looked different to her somehow, but still achingly beautiful. He was a bit thinner, and there was a less haunted look to his eyes. Instead, they looked more… determined. And bruised.

  “What happened to your eye?” she gasped, stopping her hand in midair as she reached out to touch the yellow and purple skin, then dropping it back down to her side quickly.

  “Eric.”

  “Oh.” Her face fell. “Is that why you’re here?”

  “No,” he answered instantly. “Well… yes and no,” he said, trying to be as truthful as possible.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “If you’ll let me in, I’ll try to explain it the best that I can.”

  “Oh, an explanation?” she replied sarcastically. “Why on earth would you think I deserved one now? You never did before.” She was surprised by her own bitterness, having thought, up until that point, that she would be happy just to have him back in her life in any way possible.

  “I know… and I’m sorry. I want to fix that. Can we please go inside and talk?” It was taking all of his strength to keep from touching her. Even the slightest brush of his fingers against her bare arm might set him off, and that was not the impression he wanted to make at that moment.

  “I’m shocked you didn’t just barge in here like you still owned the place. I mean, it’s only been three fucking months, why would that be odd?”

  If she only knew how close he’d been to doing that very thing.

  “Lily… please,” he choked out.

  “Alright,” she sighed, unable to handle the look of anguish on his face. That combined with the bruising was just too much. Standing aside, she ushered him inside with an exaggerated wave of her arm.

  “Thank you,” he said quietly as he passed her, stopping in the middle of the room as she shut the door. After an awkward silence in which they simply stared at each other, Ethan took a deep breath and bit the bullet.

  “So…” he exhaled loudly.
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br />   “So…” she returned, visibly as nervous as he was. Her emotions were running the gamut from angry to worried to excited. She honestly had no idea why he was standing in front of her in the little room that had once been their own private sanctuary. She only knew that something deep inside of her finally felt right again, despite her anger.

  Ethan glanced around, really taking notice of his surroundings for the first time. “Wow… I can’t believe this is the same place.” He turned slowly, making mental comparisons to what it had looked like before. “It’s so… comfortable. So lived in.”

  “Thank you,” she said sincerely. “I really like it. Emma and Maggie helped me put it together.”

  “Yes, I heard that. It seems that they are all fond of you. Especially Eric,” he added with a grimace, gently touching his discolored cheekbone. It had made amazing progress healing over the last week. The swelling had gone down and he could open his eye easily again, but the dark splotches were slower to disappear.

  Fighting back the urge to show concern for his face again, Lily was overcome with a sudden rush of rage. “Oh really? You’d heard that, huh? Well, it seems that one of us is at a disadvantage, because while you were apparently getting regular updates on me, I haven’t heard one fucking word about you!”

  Ethan made to grab her shoulders to calm her down, but stopped himself halfway and simply held his hands up in surrender between them. “Hey… it’s not like that.”

  “I think you need to start talking now, because I’m getting angrier by the second,” she fumed.

  “Here, let’s sit down,” he said, gesturing to the love seat. He ignored the new, comfortable-looking though much less lavish bed that he saw from the corner of his eye when they passed the bedroom door, refusing to think of his fond memories of that room and his desire to create new ones.

  When they had settled on the cushions, both instinctively sitting as far away from the other as they could, they turned to face each other with their backs against the armrests. Lily tucked one of her legs up under her other knee and crossed her arms, giving off the impression of hostility, but really hoping to just hold herself back long enough to keep from jumping on him.