by Caroline Lee
And after he knew, and grew distant and awkward—as surely he would—she could go back to St. Louis and try to start a new life.
Wendy had no idea how long she sat in her room, staring out the window, but the sun was lower in the sky when there was a knock on the door. Without waiting for an answer, her little sister slipped through and crossed to the bed. Plopping herself down, Annie raised a brow in Wendy’s direction.
*Nate has been sulking in the kitchen.*
When they were younger, she and Serena and Annie had spent hours sitting in the girls’ room, silently signing all sorts of secrets to one another. It was almost a relief not to focus on her lips while she spoke, and imagined that’s why Annie preferred it. *Sulking?*
Her little sister shrugged and pulled one leg up under her. *Hiding then. What did you say to him?*
Wendy looked away, unwilling to answer. Annie snapped to get her attention, and when she glanced back, the girl signed *What did he say to you?*
Sighing, Wendy lifted her hands hesitantly. *Did you…* She tried again. *Did you know that he loved me?*
Annie’s face fell, and Wendy hated the pity she saw in her little sister’s eyes. *Yes. Everyone did. It’s hard to remember before you left…* Great, as if she wasn’t feeling guilty enough. *But even then, I knew he loved you. I think he always has.*
*I didn’t know.*
*Why do you think he’s been so miserable while you’ve been gone?*
“I don’t know! I didn’t know!” Oh God, she had that sin to add to her ledger now, didn’t she? She’d made him miserable, and she should have guessed, judging from his letters.
But Annie wasn’t there to judge her; the girl just unfolded herself from the bed and crossed to her sister, giving her a hug. It was what Wendy needed, and she leaned into her sister’s embrace, taking strength from the smaller girl’s love.
“I’m sorry, Annie.”
Annie pulled back slightly, so that she could see Wendy’s lips. Knowing the girl had felt her speak, but hadn’t heard, Wendy repeated herself. “I’m sorry, Annie. I’m sorry I put you all through this. I’m sorry I put… him though this.”
Her sister nodded solemnly, and bent to place a kiss on Wendy’s forehead. The woman shivered slightly, remembering their long-dead mother’s touch. Maybe all she needed was acceptance, now. “Ah forgif oo. One day, oo will tell us why?”
“Why I’ve hurt you all?”
“Nahte most of all.”
Two tears trickled down Wendy’s cheeks, but she didn’t turn away. She didn’t have to; her baby sister wiped them away for her. “Yes. One day, I promise I will, Annie.”
“And Nahte?”
“I love him, Annie.”
“Ah know. He does not know.”
She had to tell him. She had to tell him everything.
The thought of confessing her feelings for him, and her dark secret, made her nauseated with dread. How could she do it, today of all days? Christmas was the season of joy and thanksgiving, not the season of tears and trepidation.
But was a small voice in the back of her mind that reminded her that Christmas was also the time of forgiveness.
Maybe, just maybe, telling Nate the truth wouldn’t push him away. Maybe he cared for her enough to forgive her. Maybe their shared past, and their feelings for each other, were enough to overcome her sins.
Maybe she’d finally get a Christmas miracle.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Apparently his brother wasn’t going to make it that night. Sebastian had warned Nate that Ash was planning on coming into town late, and probably would get to the Selkirk home after dark. Nate knew that he’d see Ash and Molls and the kids tomorrow, and was glad of it. As much as he wanted to see his brother, and get some advice, he knew he wasn’t fit company for anyone right now.
Wendy hadn’t come back down since that kiss, despite Annie going up to see her. The girl had come back downstairs a while later, and just shook her head at Nate’s silent question. He’d cursed and kicked the bannister then, which had earned him a severe look from Agnes… or maybe Agatha. He still couldn’t tell them apart.
The MacLeods had arrived about an hour ago, right before the sun set, and everyone had congregated in the large front parlor to await dinner. The mood was festive and jolly, which just made Nate’s brooding worse. The little ones were being oooh’d and ahhhh’d over by the ladies, and Ian was having trouble maintaining his usual scowl while being teased by Agatha. Even Nate had to admit that it was pretty funny to see such a stern old man blushing from an old lady’s whispers.
By some unspoken consent, the Carderocks and Selkirks were ignoring him, leaving Nate to wallow in his own sulk. He slouched in one of the armchairs in the corner of the room farthest from the tree, an untouched glass of whiskey by his right hand. As much drinking as he’d done over the last three years to try to forget Wendy, tonight wasn’t the time. Tonight, he didn’t need to forget her. He needed to figure out how to get her to trust him. To trust him enough to tell her secret, so they could solve whatever problems faced them and get on with their lives.
He couldn’t ask her to marry him without being able to assure her that they could be happy together… and he couldn’t do that until he knew what she was hiding.
Dammit, he really wished his brother was here now. Not that he’d spill it all out to Ash, but just knowing his big brother understood him would have been helpful. But he’d probably put in a full day’s work with the horses, and without Nate or Annie there to help, it had probably taken until almost dark, which meant that they were still a few hours away.
Of course, dark came early this time of year, but the days were getting longer again, which was something to look forward to. Nate snorted when he realized that Wendy had been the one to teach him all about solstices, and remembered the summer they’d stayed up every night for a week to track the stars in the sky. He owed so much to her, had learned so much from her, that it felt impossible to repay her. To be worthy of her.
“Everyone’s avoiding you, you know.”
Nate turned from the window to see Cam making himself comfortable on the chair beside him. “That’s because I’m sulking, and they’re kind enough to leave me in peace.”
“Not me.” Cam’s cheerful grin was almost enough to make Nate smile.
Instead, he growled. “You’re not a very good friend, are you?”
“The very best. Now, tell me why you’re sulking—you’re not even drunk, are you?—so I can tell Jacob to come say hi. He talked about ‘Uncle Nate’ for most—nope, pretty much all—of the trip into town.”
Nate’s lips curled up at that image. Cam’s step-son had adopted Nate as his uncle after he’d heard Noah and Pete use the name. “I’m not going to apologize for you having to listen to your own kid chatter. I’m miserable enough already.”
“I figured misery loves company, so I’d make you feel sorry for me.”
Leave it to Cam to make him chuckle, even feeling the way he did. “Did Serena send you over here?”
“Nope, she’s been so busy with Tess that she hasn’t said three words to me since we got here.”
Sure enough, the two petite women were sitting beside the tree on a chaise, their heads together, whispering about something intently. “Any idea what they’re talking about?”
“Nate, if I had any clue what women talked about when they were together, I’d write a book and get rich.”
Dammit, another chuckle. “You’re making it hard to maintain this sulk, you know.”
“Yep,” Cam said cheerfully, watching Agnes hand baby Mae to Sebastian. “I know. So now that you’re smiling again, I can get to the cause of this pout.”
“I’m sulking, not pouting.”
“Irrelevant.” Reaching across the table, Cam snagged Nate’s glass of whiskey, and took a sip for himself. “So, you brought Wendy back, huh?” Nate didn’t reply. “Where is she?”
“Hiding in her room. If she’s not down by dinner, I’ll go
get her myself.”
“Good. I’m looking forward to introducing her to Tess.”
“Yeah, well, she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so she’ll probably—”
The dinner bell cut him off, and Wendy stepped through the door. “Brixley sent me to tell you all that dinner is ready.”
Amid the general clamor and exodus, Nate could only stare. Damn, she didn’t even look like she’d been upset. And when she met his eyes across the room and smiled slightly, he got even more confused. What was she thinking? Was she just playing with him?
“Well.” Cam put down the whiskey and stood, offering Nate a hand. He pulled his friend to his feet and clasped a large palm to the smaller man’s shoulder. “Looks like you were wrong.”
“Yeah.” Nate shrugged. “But like you said, if any of us knew what went on in a woman’s head, we’d be rich.”
Cam’s booming laugh made it suddenly feel like Christmas Eve. Nate was surrounded by his friends, he was about to sit down to a good meal with plenty of laughter, and the woman he loved had smiled at him. Guess some of that magic of the season had finally worked.
Dinner was real nice, everything a Christmas Eve meal should be. Jacob was so excited about St. Nicholas’s visit that he could barely sit still, and Cam had to keep reminding him to stop chattering and eat. Little Mae could sit on her own, but was happy to be passed around. Even Nate enjoyed bouncing her on his knee and seeing her gummy smiles. Wendy rocked Mae ‘til she fell asleep, and Nate had to admit that she looked mighty fetching with a baby in her arms. They shared a smile across the table, and his heart felt lighter because of it.
Everyone had been right about Wendy finding Tess fascinating. The two women sat next to each other; Wendy insisted on hearing all about Tess’s father’s Chinese culture and her adventures in Montana. Sebastian and Cam sat at the head of the table and talked business—occasionally asking Nate’s opinion on a piece of property or expansion option—and Annie sat at the other end with the Selkirk ladies and Ian. They all had a grand time trying to outdo each other with stories and jokes, and Nate felt… at peace. Like he was right where he belonged, surrounded by people who knew and accepted him for who he was, and didn’t expect him to pretend to be too civilized.
After the meal, the older ladies got ready to walk back to their home, on the next block. Tess and Cam gathered their children, and amid much teasing about St. Nicholas and his presents, said their goodnights and made their way upstairs. Nate helped Agnes with her coat, and then offered to walk her home.
“Don’t be silly, boy, there’s no need for you to be cold. Ian will walk us.”
“No offense, ma’am, but Ian’s…” He trailed off, not sure how to politely say that Ian and Agatha were in a world by themselves, with their giggling and cooing.
Serena, laughing, came to his rescue. “Ian’s a little distracted, Aunt Agnes!”
Chuckling now, Agnes allowed him take her arm, and after another round of good-byes and promises to be back before breakfast tomorrow, ventured out onto the sidewalk. It was cold, but no worse than other Decembers in Cheyenne, and they were soon at the Selkirk house. Nate wouldn’t have bothered to even go in, but he saw his brother had arrived and was waiting in the parlor. Clearly surprised to see him, Ash stood and hailed him in a whisper.
Respectfully bidding the Selkirks goodnight, Nate and Ash met in the foyer and embraced. Nate took comfort in his brother’s bone-crushing hug, as always. “Welcome home, little brother.”
“Thanks, Ash. It’s nice to be back.”
“Brixley told us that you brought Wendy, too?”
“Yeah, she’s staying with Serena.”
“Molly was so happy she almost cried. She’s upstairs with the kids now.” Which answered Nate’s unspoken question, and also explained why they were whispering.
Ash stepped back and crossed his arms over his huge chest, and stared at his brother. After a long moment, he made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a sigh. “You wanna talk about it?”
Leave it to Ash to figure there was something wrong, but not push. Nate sighed, and pulling his hat off in one hand, ran the other through his hair. “Not yet. Not sure there’s much to say. She’s here, but…”
“Neither one of you is happy about it.”
“…Yet.”
Ash just raised one brow. “Optimism?”
“Let’s just say I’m not ready to give up.”
He knew his brother well enough to see the slow smile curving under that beard. “Well, alright then.” Ash stuck out his hand, and Nate shook it heartily. “Good luck, little brother.”
“Thanks.” Nate shoved his hat back on his head. “I’m heading back to Sebastian’s place, just in case Wendy has a sudden and uncontrollable need to explain why she hasn’t gotten around to loving me yet.”
Ash’s chuckle was deep, and somehow comforting. “See you tomorrow morning, kid. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.”
When he reached the Carderock home—Ian had opted to stay with Agatha, and Nate tried not to wonder where he was sleeping—Nate slipped quietly through the front door and locked it behind himself. The house was dark and quiet, although he occasionally heard a hushed voice from behind a closed door, or a creak of a floorboard as people moved around upstairs, getting ready for bed. He had planned to sleep on one of the couches in the back parlor, but wasn’t quite ready to turn in yet. Instead, he hung up his hat and coat, and made his way into the large parlor where they’d spent the afternoon.
The tree—the big one that they’d all decorated together—gleamed in the moonlight reflecting on the snow outside. Nate wondered if Serena had left the curtains open on all of these windows just to achieve that effect. None of the candles on the tree were lit, of course, but the number of glass and heirloom silver ornaments meant that the whole thing sparkled like the night sky. The entire world seemed to be still.
In the tranquil stillness of the night, it was easy to believe that the tree represented some sort of Christmas magic. It gleamed like it could wipe away sins and offer forgiveness and bring people together. Everything Nate wanted for Christmas this year.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
He exhaled, not even aware that he’d been holding his breath, and turned. Wendy was sitting in one of the chairs along the back wall, but stood and moved towards him. She stopped an arm’s length away, and just like that, everything was right in the world.
He slowly smiled. “Yeah,” he drawled, “it is.”
“It’s like… there’s so much potential for the future, and peace, and…”
“…forgiveness.”
“Exactly.”
He reached for her then, and she didn’t push away. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his back and pressed her cheek to his shoulder, like she belonged there. He felt the corner of her spectacles pressed against his collar, and wondered if they were hurting her. They stood in silence for what seemed like forever, until he could feel her heartbeat against his chest. Finally, he shifted, and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry, Wendy.”
“For what?” Her whisper was soft enough that he only heard it because she was tucked up against his ear.
“For what I said today.”
“You’re sorry for loving me?”
“Never.” Another kiss. “I’m sorry I pushed you. I’m sorry I overwhelmed you by telling you my secret.”
“What secret?”
“That I’ve been in love with you for eight years.”
“Me too.”
She was sorry he loved her? Or had he misunderstood? Sharply, he drew back, to be able to see her face. “What?”
Sighing, she loosed him, and adjusted her spectacles. Nate had always thought it was one of her stalling tactics, something to do while she thought, and this time was no different. He clenched his fists, vowing to give her the time she needed.
Finally, staring out the window, Wendy exhaled. “I said ‘me too’.”
“As in…?”
“As in, I’ve been in love with you for eight years as well.” Nate didn’t dare breathe, afraid that if he did, this dream would shatter and he’d lose it all. She loved him? She loved him! “I just didn’t realize it. I mean… You were my friend, Nate, and always there for me. I knew I loved you, but I thought it was the same way I loved Ash, or Serena. But then…”
“Then you left.”
“I’ve spent years reading and writing romances, Nate. I was sure I knew what ‘True Love’ was. I’ve had to describe it often enough, Heaven knows.”
He snorted, still trying to keep himself from pulling her into another embrace. “Real life isn’t always like books, Wendy.”
“I know that now. But…” She took a deep breath. “Something happened in St. Louis. I…” She closed her eyes, like she was bracing herself. “I fell in love, and it was just like I’d always imagined.”
He’d always thought that someone’s “blood running cold” was something that only happened in books, but damned if it didn’t suddenly happen to him. He felt an iciness creep out of his chest and down his arms. He barely managed to croak out a strangled “What?”
“It wasn’t until later that I realized that kind of love was temporary, and burned too brightly. Real love was lasting and exasperating and comfortable and warm and everything I had with you. I just hadn’t realized that’s what it was.”
Nate tried to get his throat to work again. “What?”
She turned then, and he was sorry for his harshness. Behind the glass, her eyes seemed… scared almost. Which was stupid, because she was the strongest woman he knew. “I’m saying that what I feel for you is different from what I thought love was. It’s better. I love you, Nate Barker.”
He’d dreamed of hearing her say those same words, had waited years for them. But now, all he could think about was that someone else. “Who else have you been in love with?” He didn’t care that he sounded like a jealous kid. He needed to know.