by Sybil Ling
“I know, mama. I’ve missed you too,” Diana says, squeezing her mother’s hand softly again. “I want to come back home, mama. I want to be with you and Hank again. I don’t want to be in New York anymore. I don’t like it there. I don’t like the crowds of people who follow me all the time. I don’t like how sad I am, and how I’m not around anybody who I love. I want to come home. I want to be with you two. I want to be your daughter again.”
Diana blinks as two tears roll out of her eyes. Her mother’s eyes are closed, but she takes in a long, slow breath with her mouth open.
“But you left,” the older woman says, the words coming out in a whisper.
“I know,” Diana says. “I know, mama. I think I was just running away. I wanted to get away from … something that happened, when I was 19. I was drunk and I thought that it meant things would be different. But they weren’t. Things didn’t change at all. And it hurt me. It hurt me because I had … given myself to someone. I had given my heart to them. And he took it away from me and gave me nothing in return. And it hurt so, so much.
“And I ran away to New York, and I didn’t want to come back because it hurt too much to even think about being here. And seeing him again. And so I cut this place out, and you and Hank got cut out too. And even though I tried to tell myself that it was because I was growing up and becoming a famous model, it was really just because I was hurt. And scared. And stupid.
“But I didn’t want to leave you, mama. And I cried so many nights, missing you. I missed being with you, and spending time with you. And now you’re sick and you might … not … I might not be able to spend time with you again. Not like we used to. I missed out on it, and now it might be too late.
“Mama, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry that I left you, and I left Hank. I didn’t want to make you feel sad. I just wanted … I wanted whatever I wanted, and I didn’t think about how you felt. I’m so sorry, mama. Please, please forgive me.”
Deborah’s eyelids are closed still, and it’s a long time that Diana stares at the woman’s face, tears streaming down her eyes. But even when Diana thinks that she’s gone back to sleep again, Deborah still parts her lips; still takes in a long, slow breath before speaking again.
“Did you love him?” her mother asks, and Diana stares, exhaling the breath that she’s been holding in her lungs. She keeps staring at the haggard-looking woman’s face, unsure, unsure of what to say. And then, finally:
“Yes, mama,” she says, knowing the truth as it comes out of her mouth. “Yes, I loved him. And I thought that he loved me too. But he doesn’t. He only hurt me, mama, and he ran away from here at the same time that I did. But now we’re together again, and I don’t know what to do.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out. “I wish that he would go away, mama. I wish that he would stop hurting me so I can get on with my life without him.”
A long silence now, and though Diana’s mother’s mouth is still open, it’s only breath that comes out of it. The steady beeping of the machines continues on, completely unfazed by the confessional that’s just taken place. Diana keeps a hold of her mother’s hand for a while longer, feeling the warmth and softness of the woman’s delicate skin.
Taking a final, deep breath, Diana lets it out slowly before gently putting her mother’s hand back into place. Slipping her own hands away, she stands up from the chair and bends down, placing a light kiss on the woman’s forehead. Her mother doesn’t respond, and Diana straightens herself up, wiping the tears from her eyes and cheeks.
Forcing herself to breathe normally to steady herself, Diana picks up the chair and walks it back to the desk, putting it back into place. She turns to leave the living room, heading in the direction of the back patio to tell Doctor Thames and the rest that they can come back in. She’s looking straight ahead as she walks, and as a result she doesn’t see Zach standing there, his body hidden in the shadows just beyond the archway, his silent eyes and unreadable expression watching her as she leaves the large room.
Chapter 11
Morning sunlight streams in through the solarium windows, filling the glass-shrouded space with lovely filtered light.
The room, seldom used by anybody permanently occupying the house, is home to a myriad of plants, vines, succulents, and dwarf varieties of fruit-bearing and tropical trees. This space, with large, triple-paned windows covering three of its four sides as well as the high, vaulted ceiling, its circulating pond and miniature stream, and its gravel and wooden mulch flooring, is more of a North American jungle than any greenhouse one can imagine.
The history of the greenhouse came when Diana was just eight years old, and thought it would be wonderful to have a jungle inside of the house. So, her mom and biological dad (since this was before they separated) built this extension to the house and filled it with both raised and in-ground beds, long tables covered in pots, and ornate trellises that supported climbing plants. The room took a full year to build, but when it was done it was considered a masterpiece, and was even featured in some Beverly Hills home gardening magazines.
Diana, of course, ended up not being very interested in the plants by the time the place was finished, her young mind never quite able to settle on one thing for very long. But the room remained, and the servants continued to tend to the plants, pruning them, planting cuttings of the strong and healthy ones, taking out dead or dying plants an introducing newer and healthier ones. Over the years the solarium became the place for herbs, fruits, and cut greens to grow for the kitchen, and anybody who stepped into the space always remarked on the freshness of the air, and the wonderful feeling at having so many plants surrounding them.
When Diana was fourteen she rediscovered the room. This was after her mom and Hank had gotten married, and Zach had moved into the large house with them. Five years older than her and already considering himself a man, Zach was busy figuring his life out and didn’t have a lot of patience for this new kid stepsister he’d been given.
Diana, on the other hand, looked up to Zach so much at the time. She was raised an only child, so having somebody else to spend time with outside of school was a great relief to her. But despite her constant attempts at trying to get him to play with her, Zach had always pushed her away. It wasn’t until a year after Zach had moved in that Diana stumbled upon the solarium again, and it, she thought, would be the perfect opportunity for the two of them to bond.
“Come on,” she said, holding tightly onto one of his hands with both of hers, literally pulling him after her.
“Good God, Diana, where are we going?” Zach asked. “I have a history paper I have to write up, and you’re being a little brat.”
“It’s just around here,” she said, taking him through the labyrinthine hallways of their large mansion. Zach, even though he’d spent quite some times exploring the corridors, admittedly did not know the entire house already. It’s a very large place, and even after a year he still found himself stumbling into rooms he’d never set foot into.
“Where is it?” Zach asked. Diana kept pulling him through doorways, taking him deeper into the southern wing of the mansion, further and further away from his room and his schoolwork.
“Not much farther,” she said. “Just a little more … just around here … and … here!”
Diana pushed open the solid oak door to reveal the green and bright splendour of the solarium. Zach stepped in, blinking several times in the brilliant yellow-and-green light that filled the room. Diana dropped his hand and watched him as he looked around, his eyes wide open, the soft, muted sounds of the plants breathing, the stream water trickling lightly, filling the air. He flared his nostrils and took in a breath, let it out, then took an even deeper one.
“The air …” he said.
“It’s coming from all the plants,” Diana informed him. “They give off oxygen, so it smells really good in here. Come on, I want to show you around!”
She set off, taking him on a walking tour of the large space, showing her stepbrother the diffe
rent plants they had and which ones were her favourites, the little pond where butterflies alighted to drink, and the places where goldfish swam around one another. Zach became more relaxed and interested than before, asking Diana questions about some of the plants, the two of them ending up spending hours in there as Zach’s homework became slowly forgotten.
Over the following year the two of them spent a lot of time together in the greenhouse. It was really during this time that Diana and Zach’s friendship wove itself into solidity. Whenever they needed to talk about something, they would go for long walks among the plants, the soft light and sounds calming them as they mused to one another out loud. If they got into trouble at home, they would escape from their parents into the greenhouse, certain that they could never be caught because they knew all of the best places to hide.
But after a year had passed, Zach graduated from high school and found himself much too occupied with university coursework to be able to spend hours at a time with his kid stepsister hanging out in the solarium. Diana, on several occasions, had to walk away from Zach’s room alone after he told her he couldn’t come to play, and would go to the solarium on her own instead. She would miss him greatly, pine for him to come and spend time with her. It started to be at that time, during these long hours on her own, that Diana was coming more into her own, turning from a little girl into a woman. And it was during these times that she began to realize that maybe her feelings for Zach went beyond those of a kid stepsister. Maybe her feelings for Zach were starting to become something more adult … something more like what grown-ups do.
And so that’s where Diana is now, walking slowly along the wood chip-lined pathways in a t-shirt and shorts, looking at and touching the many plants that surround her, breathing in deeply the fresh air that the plants provide and clearing her lungs, her head as she tries to figure out what, exactly, she is going to do with her life.
One of the unintended side effects, of course, of having a room full of thick, humid plant life is that you can’t properly hear it when somebody approaches you from behind. The only noises that really make it to your ears are the soft rushing sounds of water in the stream, the drip-drip of droplets falling from plants’ leaves, and the buzzing of whatever insects are pollinating whatever flowers are in bloom.
And so, when Zach’s hand lands itself silently on Diana’s shoulder, it’s perfectly understandable that she let out a loud scream in response.
“Whoa!” Zach says, pulling his hand away as though he’s been burned.
Diana wheels around. The sight of Zach standing there, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and looking shocked at his stepsister’s reaction, at first infuriates her. But her anger quickly abates as her previous feelings of hurt come back to the surface. Hurt — and a longing for something that she continually tries to deny but can never quite make go away.
“What do you want?” Diana asks, her heartbeat quickly coming back down to normal from the shock she’d just received.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Zach says. “I was looking all over the house for you. It took me a while to remember that this place exists, and also how to get here.”
He looks around, a smile touching his lips as Diana watches him, still feeling accosted at him having interrupted her quiet, private time.
“Hey, do you remember coming here when we were kids?” Zach asks suddenly. “You dragging me in here every day, showing me all of these flowers and plants?”
He turns to look at Diana again and his expression falters as he catches a glimpse of hers.
“What do you want, Zach?” she asks.
Zach takes a breath and lets it out, then lifts his hand holding, as Diana sees for the first time, a folded-up newspaper.
“I wanted to show you the day’s headlines,” he says.
Diana gives an exasperated sigh and rolls her eyes.
“Ugh, honestly Zach, I’m a little sick and tired of hearing what the press has to say about us fucking in your studio.”
She turns around on her heel and starts to walk away, but Zach’s free hand grabs onto one of hers, holding her back. She stops, her heart skipping in her chest as she feels Zach’s fingers squeeze over hers. She turns and looks at her stepbrother again, his gaze brighter than before as he stares her in the eyes.
“It’s different this time,” he says, and he holds out the newspaper for her to take. Diana swallows, her mouth suddenly feeling dry, and she looks down at the newspaper in his grasp. Pulling her hand away from his, she takes the newspaper and opens it up, reading the headline that adorns the front page:
RENOWNED ARTIST ZACH DANIELS ADMITS TO INCEST PRANK
She looks up from the paper and looks at him, her eyebrows pushed together in confusion.
“Go ahead, read it,” he encourages.
Diana looks back down to the paper and reads the article:
World-renowned controversial painter/installation artist Zach Daniels announced to several reporters this morning that the scandal from three days ago, regarding his being found naked in bed with fashion model and his own stepsister, Diana Simms, was, in fact, just a hoax.
“I just wanted to shake up this sex-deprived country a little,” Daniels was quoted as saying. “I mean, we’ve legalized gay marriage already. What should be the next thing on the chopping block?”
The woman who was in Daniels’ bed was none other than personal friend and off-broadway actress Julie Montgomery, who, according to Daniels, wore a wig and make-up to resemble Miss Simms — in more than just her face.
“I asked Julie because I knew she’d be up for the part,” Daniels tells a group of reporters. “She was in on the joke, obviously. My stepsister, though … well, I guess I forgot to tell her.”
Miss Montgomery was not available when contacted for an interview.
When asked what work of art Daniels is next going to shock the world with, he seemed tight-lipped at first before finally revealing that he’s not entirely certain …
Diana lowers the newspaper, looking back up at Zach, who is watching her. His eyes are intent, staring into hers, waiting for a reply, a response, anything — anything to let him know whether or not what he did would fix what happened between them.
Diana, however, only narrows her eyes as she crumples the paper up in both of her hands.
“So that’s it, then?” she says as Zach opens his mouth, his brow furrowed just a bit. “Your public is happy, and that’s all that matters, huh?”
“No, Diana,” Zach says, but she’s already dropped the ball of paper and is walking away, at a swifter pace this time.
“No, it’s okay, Zach,” she says loudly over her shoulder as she hears Zach following her, his shoes crunching on the path beneath them. “Just so long as your career can go on and people don’t think you’re some kind of pervert, then that’s fine! So long as you’re happy, and your public is happy, I guess everything is fucking settled!”
“Diana, wait!” Zach says, and she feels his hand brush against hers, trying to get it in his grasp, but she pulls it away, not allowing him to touch her.
“There’s nothing to wait for, Zach,” she says, still winding her way through the maze of foliage. In her effort to get away from him, she’s taking twists and turns that only bring her deeper into the maze that surrounds them. “I’m glad for you, I really am. You smoothed over this possible threat to your career, and that’s what really matters. Never mind what happens to me, or what I should go through.”
“Diana, I did it for you!” Zach’s voice comes, but from somewhere else now. Diana turns her head to look behind her only to find that Zach isn’t there. Confused, she keeps on walking.
“You did it for me, did you?” she calls back, unsure of where to point her head. “So you fucked me and let a bunch of strangers take my picture, and then acted like it was all some big joke, for me?” She lets out a short, fake laugh. “Remind me never to ask you to do me any favours, then!”
“I wanted to make things right,” h
e calls out, and Diana shakes her head to herself. “I didn’t want you to suffer just because I was a dick.”
“You are a dick, Zach,” Diana calls back. “And if you wanted to make things right, you should have- AAAH!”
Diana lets out a sudden shriek as Zach appears from around the next bend, stopping right in front of her. She puts up her hands, instinctively defending herself, and Zach grabs onto each of her wrists, his strong grip holding them like a vice.
“I should have what?” he asks, his voice sounding much more calm than she’s currently feeling.
“Let me go!” she shouts, trying to pull her hands away from him. But she can feel the strength leaving her, and besides, she knows better than to think that she can get away from her stepbrother’s strong hands.
“I should have what?” he repeats, looking her in the eyes, and in her struggles Diana’s eyes meets his and she suddenly feels herself locked. She keeps trying to pull away from him, but it’s a fool’s errand. She caught in his gaze and is slowing down, Zach remaining solid as a statue, not letting her leave, and not letting her out of his sight.
At last she reaches a stop and she drops her head, breaking the stare, her arms relaxing their muscles and flopping down but still held in Zach’s grip. She’s breathing, pointlessly it seems, defeat washing over her and her wanting to cry but unable to.
“I should have what?” Zach says for the third time, and Diana gives her head a soft shake from side to side.
“You should have never invited me to the studio,” she says, her voice directed towards the floor. “You should have just left me alone.”
She hears the silence on Zach’s end. And then:
“But I wanted you there with me that night,” she hears him say. “I … regret now, getting Eugene to call those reporters. And I regret setting everything up for that morning. But what I don’t regret is what happened between you and me, Diana. I don’t regret sleeping with you that night.”