by Rae Earl
#ENJOYYOURTRIP
Later on, as we’re walking home from school, Lauren checks her phone.
“You’re on Mr Style Shame, Mills. But that was pretty inevitable, really. Anyone in the canteen could have sent him that photo. And it’s not got THAT many likes.”
I don’t really know how I feel about this. “Check Erin’s account, Loz.”
“Millie! She’s got over 9,000 followers now. And there are loads of photos of her and Danny. They do look really good together.”
This feels a bit much. I death-stare Lauren. “I know. I’ve seen them.”
“Oh! She’s also posted a photo of all your spilled chips and the smashed plate! But the caption is actually really nice. Look! Why would she do that?”
I read what Erin has written.
Don’t you just love that feeling you get when you see two people who are just meant to be together? Today at school a girl fell over and dropped her lunch tray and a lovely boy helped her up #ChipRomance #GeekLove. I heart seeing people who might not be lucky enough to have loads of friends being kind to other people who really do need #Help #HeartWarming
“You see,” Lauren says. “That’s actually really lovely.”
Lauren has completely missed the evil point. “So it’s kind to say someone really needs help and is less fortunate than you?”
“I’ve heard you say things sort of like that,” Lauren snaps back.
And Lauren has but this is different. Erin is a genius of horrible. She can make it sound nice but this is just a really clever way to have a dig at me. I know I’m right because underneath people have commented with a whole load of crying with laughter emojis and TRAGICS! But there’s no way to respond – if I have a go at her, it’s ME who looks like a cow.
Lauren can see I’m flat, but she’s acting all hard and odd. “Why don’t you vlog about how falling over isn’t the worst thing in the world, even though, at the moment, it feels like that. You do need to get over yourself a bit, Mills. It really could have been worse.”
Lauren has completely failed to grasp that I’m having a total life disaster. All I can think of and all I can hear is the amount of people who are either laughing at me or feeling sorry for me all over the world.
“Bye, Millie. Hope you feel better.”
You’d think your BFF would be able to MAKE you feel better. But Lauren just slinks off in the sunlight.
When I get back to Grandad’s, I slam my bag on the sofa and sort of collapse like a massive splat of pasta sauce that’s jumped off Teresa’s plate. She’s the world’s messiest eater.
UNBELIEVABLY, Dad is home AND he actually notices that I am down. “What’s up, Lady Mills?”
He says it like he thinks it’s something minor. There’s no point telling him about what Erin has done. He won’t get it and will just say something sweet but useless. So I tell him that I fell over in the canteen and my chips went everywhere.
Dad doesn’t laugh or say I’m being stupid. He looks at me and says, “You must have felt very embarrassed by that.”
Which I did and I do, but, in a way, I want him to say, “Don’t be silly, Millie! It’s just a fall,” or “Pick yourself up and get on with it!” like Mum would. But Dad is not Mum. He is sweet in a different way. In an understanding way. I can’t believe I don’t want understanding. What is happening to me?!
But now I’ve got Dad, I might as well talk to him.
“It’s just that I remember you telling me about Nicholas Clarkson, Dad, and the time he lost his trunks – and that was twenty years ago. Even I can sing the song about him—”
Dad interrupts me. “Yes, I did tease him, Millie. But do you know what Nicholas Clarkson is doing now? He develops apps and software, drives a Porsche and goes to Barbados twice a year. I think he’s got over the fact he was naked in a swimming pool decades ago. He probably swims naked out of choice in his own private swimming pool now. No one is laughing at him. He’s laughing at us. Life is a marathon, Mills – not a sprint. And in the marathon, he’s at the finish line getting his medal and bar of chocolate and I’m at Mile Two with a stitch in my side. I’m racing around trying to make money. I’m missing out on you growing up, even though you’re here. I’m making a mess of it all, Millie…”
Dad looks gutted. The thing is, he’s sort of right. He still lives with his dad and sister and I didn’t see him for quite a long time. But then I remember what Grandad told me. Dad’s funny and kind. He’s sweet to me. He still gets on with Mum.
“You’re not making a mess of things. I think you’re brilliant,” I say and I give him a hug.
Dad has brought out my sensible, problem-sorter side again. I feel better.
“Oh, ignore your old dad. You make things excellent being here and I’m very proud of you. You won’t end up like me. You, Millie, have BRAINS. Your dad’s handsome looks –” and he winks – “but your mother’s brain. If I were you, I would just forget about tripping over. It’s a momentary lapse in a life that is otherwise fairly glorious, wouldn’t you say?”
Dad pats me on the back and says, “Right, lady. What would you like for tea? Chips? CHIPS! CHIPS! Let’s have chips, Millie. Let’s re-establish chips as lovely things in your mind. LET US REHABILITATE THE MIGHTY CHIPO AND REMIND YOU THAT FRIED FOOD IS YOUR FRIEND!”
Dad shouting brings Grandad in. “What on earth is going on?” he grumbles. “Why are we shouting about chips? Is that what it’s come to? Excitement about potatoes?”
Dad laughs and starts dancing round Grandad. “Yes! Yes! It has. Chips! Chips! FRIED BROWN CRISPY LOVELY CHHHHHHIPPPPPSSSSSS!”
“Daft fool!” Grandad eventually says. This makes both me and Dad giggle a lot.
I feel better and brave again.
“Can I borrow your shed, Grandad?”
“Well, I was going to escape from this house of nutters to do some potting but go on then. I can’t be saved from them but perhaps you can.”
Dad’s chat has left me feeling a bit better. Why do these little things matter? They shouldn’t. It’s like everything gets completely blown out of proportion. And I want to tell everyone that they shouldn’t and that you can lose your pants and still end up having amazing foreign holidays. I won’t say that but I will tell people that TINY MISTAKES JUST DON’T MATTER. And Erin and her brilliant frayed-in-just-the-right-places jeans and her totally amazing way of being horrible, while pretending to be nice, can just go and CRASH in an “I’ve lost my Wi-Fi and nothing is downloading” way.
I don’t want her to actually crash.
#KEEPINGITREAL
I position the camera. I’m ready to share. I don’t even message Lauren. She obviously doesn’t care that much. I just do it.
“Hello. Millie Porter – back sooner than I thought. Thanks for all your comments. Well – thanks for the nice ones. The other ones – whatever.
“Today #Help Me Cope With Social Death. Those times when something horrible happens in front of everyone. Let me tell you what happened today. If you go to my school, you’ll know already.
“Basically, I’d just collected my lunch from Mary the canteen lady and she has amazing dreads. Anyway, I was looking at her purple tips and pink roots and talking to my BFF Lauren and then, basically, I fell over my own feet and made a chip carpet. Which was embarrassing beyond belief. Can I just officially thank Lauren and the totally cool Gracie, who picked me up and didn’t just stand there and stare or laugh or clap or whatever. Gracie – you have the best eye make-up ever and you are also actually a lovely person. Thank you. Also Bradley – thanks for the replacement food.
“Anyway. The aftermath of my fall is being shared around and that’s pretty terrible. And you know what? I’m gutted but…
“No. I’m gutted.
“And I was going to hide away from it. But then I thought, “All I’ve done is drop some chips. SO TWONKING WHAT?! WHO CARES?!”
I start to get mad here.
“IT WAS SOME CHIPS ON A FLOOR. If a seagull had been in the
school canteen, he would have been epically happy. I am SICK of feeling like my every move is being watched by people who cannot wait for me to go wrong. So this is ME, Millie, saying NOW – THESE PEOPLE LIKE MR STYLE SHAME WHO CALL PEOPLE OUT ON INSTAGRAM should be IGNORED. Stop looking at them. Falls are not that big a deal. NOR ARE LIFE FAILS AND FALLS. Really. And to prove that, I am going to fall over again.”
(And I do. Badly. Spoon. But it makes my point.)
“No, there were no chips with that one but you get it.
“But I just want to say to you: if that happens to you, you don’t need to hide away. You don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. You fell over. You dropped some chips. You did WHATEVER. You did not in any way hurt anyone. If you get caught doing something that makes you feel stupid, SO WHAT?! DROPPING YOUR LUNCH IS NORMAL. And you shouldn’t have to feel bad about it.
“And another thing. Photos of people eating. No one looks glamorous when they are eating. I have here a sandwich made by my aunty Teresa. It has cheese and I am going to eat it.
“Do what you like. Do NOT BE SHAMED. This is Millie. #Help me to help you. Thank you. Goodnight – and don’t feel bad about yourself!”
(And I take a massive bite of the sandwich and stop filming.)
Honestly, I don’t feel very comfortable with how I look on-screen either. Even though I am real on my vlog, I’m not totally real. You can’t share ALL of you. Like Grandad says, there’d be nothing left.
If I’m honest, it’s not the same without Lauren. It’s not as much fun and, without her, it’s not as good. She’s like my cheerleader.
I message her telling her I’ve uploaded a new video. I can see that she has read it but I get nothing back. What is wrong with her?! She sits on her phone. It’s never out of her hand. It’s—
MUM.
Oh, CHUFFING CHUFF.
She’s shouting my name from outside. Why is she here? I must be in trouble again. There’s no way she’d be round here at this time if I’m not.
#ANGRYMUM
Dad is hiding. He’s stopped singing about chips because he can still read Mum’s moods very well and she’s not in a good one. He peeks out from behind the door in the hallway and pretends to cut his neck with his hand. This is our code for “She is ready to kill someone.”
Aunty Teresa has decided the ice-cream van needs urgent maintenance (to be fair, it does and always will). Even Grandad has run to the shed. And he used to be a Royal Marine who lived on insect omelettes in the jungle and did twenty-mile runs with fourteen bricks in his rucksack. Or something.
Mum is terrifying. Magnificent but terrifying. Which is great when you’re seven and your teacher makes you a tree in the Christmas play rather than a shepherd because she thinks “that’s a job for boys”. It’s great when your mum storms up to the school to complain and the next thing you know, you’re carrying a crook and Kyle Turner is being your sheep. That was fantastic but it’s not so good now.
Mum does her quiet psycho voice. She doesn’t lose her temper. She is reasonable. Apart from the time she threw a hand blender across the kitchen, she has always been a model of total control. Zero spoon and maximum excellence.
She stares at me.
“Millie, we need to talk. I’m worried you are giving away too much about your life online. Why do you want to share it all with strangers? Why can’t you talk to me about all this? That’s what I’m here for!”
“Mum!” I feel very like I know what I’m doing here. “I don’t want to fall out with you about it but the whole point is my vlog is about being honest. I wanted to do something different and that means being REAL and—”
“Can I stop you there?” she interrupts. “Have you considered the implications of what you are doing? Look, Millie. I know you are very emotionally intelligent FOR YOUR AGE and always have been. I’m not going to patronize you. And I’m proud of you for trying to help people. But I’m your mother and it’s my job to keep you safe and well. I’ve read the comments people have left and they are horrible. Horrible. And when I think of my little girl having to read that from … well, I don’t know what those people are but I don’t want you anywhere near them, Millie. And don’t tell me you’re not affected by it because I know you are.”
And I am affected. I really am. Who wouldn’t be? It’s awful.
Mum looks like she’s about to sob massively. “You’re my little girl.”
This is my chance to explain. “Mum. You told me I should never stop what I want to do because other people laughed at me. You’ve always stuck up for me. That’s why I became a shepherd and not a tree. Now I can fight trolls!”
“But you shouldn’t have to!” Mum REALLY YELLS. “I nearly joined YouTube myself. I was going to call myself ‘Millie’s Mum’ and have a go at all the tools that have said nasty things to you. You’re very good, Millie. You present well and you’re funny. And no, you don’t need make-up. You can use it if you like to change your look but you don’t need it. Come off YouTube, Millie. Please.”
“I can handle it!” I yell.
“Can you really, Millie?” Mum whispers.
I look at Mum and start to cry. It just all hits me. The names. The “ugly” thing. The fountain of chips. Danny seeing me create a fountain of chips. Lauren being all cold and weird.
“See!” Mum hugs me. “This wouldn’t have happened if you were still living with me.”
“Oh Mum!” That just makes me cross. “Nothing would have happened if I still lived with you because I had to do everything your way. It wasn’t all Gary and McWhirter’s fault. It’s you too! Even though I never did anything stupid, you always had to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing.”
This isn’t fair AT ALL but I’m not feeling fair.
Mum sighs. “Perhaps I was a bit tough on you, but I’m so proud of what I’ve created. It’s a tough world, Millie! VERY tough. Just give the vlogging a rest for a little while. That’s the sensible thing to do.”
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I agree. “OK, I’ll think about it.”
Mum hugs me again and says, “Thank you.”
She leaves and Dad comes out of hiding.
When I’m back in my bedroom I’ve got a message from Danny.
Sorry about the chips. The great news is, you fall over really well. Can’t wait to see how you tackle exploding food in your vlog
I don’t think Danny is being horrible! He’s trying to make me smile. Like REAL friends do.
I message him.
I’m giving up #Help
He responds immediately.
Why? Are you going to make a big announcement about it?
The trolls and stuff… No. I haven’t decided what to do yet.
Millie, don’t do this because of dumb comments. You do know you’re not ugly, don’t you? Red-lipped batfish – they are ugly. But not you.
What’s a red-lipped batfish?
I’m almost frightened to ask.
It’s this fish that looks like it’s put red lipstick on in the dark and has a lamp on its head. It could never do a vlog. I saw it on Animal Planet. Dad was building a naval destroyer and there was nothing else on.
He sends me a photo of it.
I act cool. I don’t know how to respond. So I don’t. Why is Danny telling me I’m not ugly? This feels weird.
My phone dings. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, I have a notification. Erin Breeler’s new vlog has launched. Of course I have to see it.
#KITTENS
Erin Breeler is wearing kitten ears. Even for a Monday, this is a new low.
She looks phenomenal on camera. The bedroom behind her has been lit perfectly. Her duvet is this Moroccan pattern with a matching lamp. Her dressing table is covered in cards and photos. It all looks so professional and perfect. She tilts her head in the classic Erin way and starts speaking.
“Hi! Do you like my ears? So, basically, a whole load of you have been saying, ‘Erin, PLEASE do a vlog. Please.’ And yeah. O
K. OK with pleasure. And this is going to be about make-up and fashion and styling because … that’s what I do. I think when you come on here, you want to get away from all the awful stuff that’s going on in your life. You don’t want to be thinking about solving problems and how to deal with social embarrassment. This is all about looking good and feeling good and NOT –”
and she laughs this really annoying sweet but EVIL laugh –
“about how you recover from falling over…”
I turn it off.
I just don’t want to watch any more
But I can’t stop myself. I turn it back on.
Erin demonstrates different ways to wrap a scarf so it can be a sarong, a top, a headscarf and a skirt. She also shows how you can tie it to make a bag. THEN she gets a pair of thick tights and shares her secrets to the perfect rip.
It’s an epic watch.
Erin’s latest vlog is a fashion triumph.
My latest vlog is about dropping your lunch.
Already, she has had almost the same number of views as my cat vlog.
I think a break from vlogging is a very good idea indeed. I would also like a break from other people. Dave snuggles beside me. She may be wild but she understands a bad mood created by a good vlog better than any human ever could.
#WRAPPEDUP
Next day at school, Lauren isn’t around. Maybe she’s ill. It must be why she hasn’t replied to my messages.
I’m on my own, so I try to do a Bradley and hug the walls. And I don’t go anywhere near chips. I opt for a nice vegetarian wrap, as, even if you do drop them, the cheese, peppers and avocado are all contained. There won’t be a food bomb. I’m just about to bite into it when someone sits beside me.
I assume it’s lovely Gracie, so I say, “Wanna bite?”
A very Canadian voice answers, “Er … no, thank you – but thanks for asking.”