'I'll tell her as soon as she comes in,' Lee promised absently.
Matt didn't seem to notice she talked as though he wouldn't be here. 'We could all go over for half an hour,' he suggested eagerly, then patted the arm of his chair, looking more relaxed. 'Come and tell me what you've been doing with yourself this weekend. Pounding your typewriter, I suppose?'
Lee smiled faintly in response to his rather heavy humour but pretended she hadn't noticed the invitation his hand was patting out. He wouldn't want her that close when he heard what she had to -say.
'Matt,' she began unhappily, 'I'm afraid I've something to tell you that might come as a shock.'
To her astonishment, because she was shaking, he didn't appear to take her seriously. He yawned again, looking ready to fall asleep. 'Unless it's something that absolutely won't keep, darling, I'd rather you told me another time. I've had a bad spell at home, and before that a hectic session with Slade. I don't know what's got into him! I could swear he had something on his mind that had nothing to do with business. I didn't like the way he stalked about his office, when I was there, and I'm not fond of having to repeat everything twice. Then, last night, I realise I hadn't visited my parents for a few days, but you'd think it had been years! Mother never stopped complaining. You'd think she was the only one with problems.'
'Matt,' Lee looked at him shamefacedly, trying to keep her mind on him and not Slade. 'What I have to say can't wait. This might come as a terrible surprise— but I want to end our engagement.'
He frowned, staring at her uncomprehendingly. 'Is this some kind of joke?'
'No.' Watching confusion filling his dazed eyes, she hated what she was doing to him. 'I only wish it had been.'
He went very pale and jerked upright from his lounging position. She saw him swallow, then he said, 'I do believe you mean it, Lee.'
'I do,' she confirmed, her voice little more than a whisper.
'You're sure?'
'Yes.'
Matt sat where he was a moment longer. There was a brief silence, then he rose to his feet. 'Am I allowed to ask why?'
Lee was relieved that he sounded slightly acid; she had been afraid he might break down. Nevertheless, she still hated herself for what she was doing to him and couldn't bring herself to insult him with less than the truth. 'I've discovered I don't love you.'
He frowned. 'I thought you did, and you aren't the kind of girl whose feelings change overnight…'
Her eyes filled with tears. 'I'm not, Matt. I thought I loved you, then I suddenly realised it wasn't the right kind of love for marriage. It seemed only fair to tell you.'
'Of course.' He seemed to understand that her tears were for him yet he looked completely baffled. 'Is there—someone else?'
'No.' How could she say there was when the man involved had no serious intentions?
Matt accepted this. He slipped the ring she gave back to him into his pocket; Lee was relieved that he didn't ask her to keep it as a memento. He said hoarsely, 'I may look no different, but I feel as though I'd been hit by a bus.'
'I'm sorry, Matt,' she whispered, gazing at him helplessly. 'I—I hope you'll soon meet someone who really deserves you.'
His mouth twisted. 'I'll never meet anyone as wonderful as you, Lee.' Pausing, he exclaimed, 'I haven't done or said something I'm not aware of, Lee? I don't always realise…'
She shook her head quickly. 'If there had been, Matt, I would have asked you about it. I would have given you a chance to explain. I'm usually the one who speaks without thinking.'
'My mother?' he hesitated. 'I know she isn't easy.'
'She had nothing to do with my decision,' Lee assured him firmly. 'She and I would have got on. We aren't such bad friends as it is.'
'I still think you're holding something back,' he demurred, 'something you'd rather not talk about.'
She sighed. 'It wouldn't do any good, Matt. Any problems I have, I have to work out by myself.'
He looked as though he could have said a lot more, but instead he ran a resigned hand sound the back of his neck. As he lowered it he glanced at his watch. 'I guess you're right, Lee. If you don't love me and you've made up your mind, I suppose there's nothing more to be said.'
Feeling, she was sure, no better than he did, Lee followed him to the door. 'I hope we can still be friends?'
A faint smile broke the grimness of his features for the first time. Gently he bent and kissed her. 'Of course we can still be friends,' he said gruffly. 'If ever you need me, you know where to find me. I haven't stopped caring, you know.'
Lee wept after he had gone. She had hated hurting Matt. Breaking her engagement to him was one of the hardest things she had ever done, and possibly the most foolish! She had given up a fine man for—what? Another man who had no love or even respect for her.
Yet much as she tried to put Slade from her mind, she couldn't stop longing for him. She knew she had to see him again. Now that she was free, he might begin thinking differently about the future he wanted them to share. She loved him so deeply, she wasn't sure what she would do if the sole purpose of his recent manoeuvres had been merely to cause a break between herself and Matt.
It was five before Sandra got back. She had enjoyed the wedding, but it had been a hectic weekend and she was tired.
Lee made her a cup of tea. She had showered and used make-up to hide any visible signs of distress, and she must have made a good job of it, as Sandra didn't notice anything was wrong. 'Why didn't you stay a few more days?' she asked. Sandra's last patient didn't need her any more and she didn't take up her new post until the end of the week. 'It would have done you good.'
Sandra took her tea with scarcely a word of thanks. 'So you and Matt could have had the house to yourselves, don't you mean? I'm sorry if I've spoiled your fun.'
'Oh, Sandra!' After all her efforts, Lee felt the too ready tears scalding her eyes. 'I may as well tell you,' she rushed on, 'because you'd soon find out. Matt and I are no longer engaged.'
Sandra sat down abruptly, as if her legs had given way. 'Is this true?' she stared at Lee, her eyes doubtful.
'It's not something I'd lie about.'
Turning her cup around twice, Sandra dragged her eyes from Lee's strained face to look at it blindly. 'A lovers' quarrel, I suppose?'
'No,' Lee retorted sharply. 'And Matt and I have never been lovers, not in the way I think you mean. We didn't quarrel,' deliberately she continued to use the plural, 'we just discovered we didn't love each other and decided we would be wiser to part.'
Several different emotions chased over Sandra's usually stoical features. 'Well, I'm sorry,' she said slowly. 'And I shouldn't have implied what I did. I didn't really believe that either of you…'
Hastily Lee broke in, trying to end what was turning into an embarrassing conversation. 'I've suddenly remembered—Matt's father is ill and he said his mother would like to see you.'
'Me?' queried Sandra.
'Yes. He didn't say it was urgent. He just thinks she likes to talk to you, but he was going to ask you to go over this evening.'
Sandra looked at her shrewdly. 'But after you broke off your engagement he felt he couldn't stay.'
'I should think he forgot all about it,' Lee returned Sandra's stare levelly. 'We were both rather shaken, so he had some justification, but that has nothing to do with the message he left from his mother.'
Sandra brightened eagerly. 'No, I suppose not. Do you think I should still go? It's not late—if you wouldn't mind…?'
'Why should I?' Lee shrugged, then, smiled. 'I'm sure you'll find Mrs Leland makes a better cup of tea than I do.'
'You're a dear!' Jumping up, Sandra hugged her impulsively, leaving Lee staring after her in bewilderment. Perhaps Sandra should try going to another wedding. Whatever had happened this weekend had certainly not done her any harm!
She wasn't surprised when Sandra spent the whole of the following days with the Lelands, and she tried to take advantage of having the house to herself by getting
on with her writing. It made her anxious that her inspiration seemed to have dried up since Slade had returned. She found it increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything but him.
She had heard nothing from him since Sunday morning. All Monday she had expected the telephone to ring, but it had remained silent. On Tuesday, when Dulcie rang, commiserating over Lee's broken engagement and asking if she could 'pop round', Lee suddenly remembered an urgent appointment in Reading and put her off until the end of the week. She had had enough of Dulcie's curiosity on Sunday, when she had phoned to ask if Lee had heard anything more about her bike. What conclusions she had come to over her broken engagement, Lee dared not think. It puzzled her how the news had got so quickly about. Not Matt's doing, she was sure! But if Dulcie had heard, it must be even further afield, as Matt wasn't exactly unknown. If it was common knowledge then Slade wouldn't be unaware of it. It was more than likely that he had inveigled it out of Matt himself. This was why she was so frightened when Slade failed to call or get in touch. It seemed her worst fears had been realised.
Lee told herself that a trip out might provide the mental stimulus she was so clearly in need of. She refused to believe she was hoping to bump into Slade. She knew she was acting foolishly. Slade had achieved what he had set out to do, and hadn't she told him a dozen times that she wasn't interested in the kind of relationship he had to offer? Why should she complain if he'd been convinced she had meant everything she had said?
She had more pride than to call at his office and demand to see him, but the battle she fought with her pride proved so exhausting that she was wandering listlessly around a bookshop when Slade's mother came across her.
'It is Lee Moreau, isn't it?' Mrs Western cried eagerly.
Lee was startled, but couldn't prevent herself from looking pleased. 'Mrs Western! How nice to see you. Slade told me you were back.' She anticipated that she would be asked if she had seen him and felt it might be wiser to mention it straight away.
His mother smiled. 'He said he'd seen you, and I've been meaning to give you a ring.'
Had he mentioned it—or had his mother had to ask? 'I expect you've been busy settling in?'
'Yes, I have,' Mrs Western sighed eloquently. 'But Slade's away again.'
'Oh.'
'Hadn't you heard?'
Lee swallowed and shook her head, hoping she didn't look as suddenly shaken as she felt. She hadn't heard, but she might have known. Hollowly she murmured, 'He was always dashing off somewhere.'
'He expects to be gone a few weeks.'
Lee smiled, but with agony twisting inside her. This was Slade's answer to all her hopes and fears. It hadn't been necessary for him to come and see her or phone. Simply by disappearing he had told her all she had wanted to know. Hadn't wanted to know! she corrected herself bitterly.
'How does it feel to be living by the river again?' she asked with false brightness.
'I'm enjoying it,' Lydia smiled. 'I've, always loved the Thames, of course. While Slade's away, why don't we take a trip down the river one day?'
'That would be lovely,' Lee agreed, hoping Mrs Western would forget about it. Slade wouldn't approve, even if he wanted nothing more to do with her.
'We're hoping to spend Christmas here,' Lydia smiled warmly at the girl she had never ceased to be extremely fond of. 'I've asked Slade to invite a few people, but before that we're planning a barbecue. It's going to be a huge affair; half Reading will be there. I hope you'll come, dear?'
'Someone's already mentioned it.' Lee didn't commit herself.
'Slade's not sure that he'll be back in time,' Lydia frowned. 'I've been hoping for years that he'll meet a nice girl and get married. I've a great desire for some grandchildren.'
Lee said nothing, and Lydia glanced at her sharply. 'Is it true what I've been hearing, that you're engaged?'
'Was,' Lee forced herself to speak lightly. 'To Matt Leland—a relation of yours, I believe?'
'His mother and I are third cousins.' Lydia looked as though she was sorting it out. 'We don't see a lot of each other. The last time I saw her she said that Matthew has a good practice.'
'Yes.'
'So what went wrong?'
'Wrong?' The bluntness of Mrs Leland's query took Lee by surprise. For a moment she gazed at her blankly, then she flushed. 'Oh, my engagement, you mean? Well, nothing, I suppose. We just decided it had been a mistake.'
Lydia nodded understandingly, then was hailed by another friend. 'Don't forget our boat trip,' she said as she departed. 'I'll give you a ring.'
The week dragged on. For the first time in a long time, River Bend seemed too big and lonely for Lee. Matt picked Sandra up in the mornings and dropped her off again later in the day, but he didn't come in, and when Sandra began her new job the days seemed longer than ever. Nothing Lee did succeeded in taking her mind off Slade. Sometimes she thought of going off somewhere for a few months and seeing what an entirely new environment would do for her.
Her nerves were so strained that when Dulcie rang to ask if she would look after Trigg so she could spend the day with George, in London, she was so relieved she almost burst into tears. She would love to, she said, looking forward to his company, young as he was. She thought they might go for a picnic, but when Mrs Western called and, after hearing about Trigg, offered to take them both on the river, Lee was happy to accept.
Trigg was thrilled, and he and Mrs Western appeared to enjoy each other's company enormously. It was rather awkward trying to explain to Trigg that because Mrs Western was the mother of the man who had taken her bike, it might be better not to mention it, but he was so engrossed with the boat that he seemed to forget about everything else. Lee enjoyed herself, too, but the boat reminded her of Slade too much not to bring back painful memories.
Mrs Western was a proficient sailor and Lee had picked up a lot during the months she had lived abroad with Slade. They sailed past Reading and on towards Windsor. Trigg liked the locks best; he would have spent the whole day negotiating them if he'd been allowed to. He had a genius for getting wet, and Lee was glad she was wearing a pair of serviceable jeans, because she seemed to spend most of the day rescuing him.
After lunch, Lee told Mrs Western a little about him when, exhausted from the morning's activities, he fell asleep. She probably wouldn't have told her anything if Mrs Western hadn't asked, but as Mrs Western was obviously fond of children and was being extremely kind, Lee couldn't see any harm in. revealing a few things about him which she was sure not even his parents could object to. It seemed, however, that Trigg, in the way of most children, had been revealing a few things himself.
'He was telling me that he doesn't want to go away to school,' Mrs Western mused. 'Do you think that's because of his asthma?'
'Partly,' Lee frowned. 'I try not to say anything, because if I had a family, I'm not sure I would appreciate outsiders offering unasked-for and perhaps unwanted advice on how to bring them up, but I've grown so fond of Trigg that I'm afraid I have been guilty of interfering sometimes.'
Lydia smiled sympathetically and not without interest. 'What would you do if Trigg was your own child?'
Lee flushed, wondering if she would ever have one of her own. 'I think I'd forget about boarding school until he was older. He's only eight and there's every chance his health will improve. To send him away now, I feel, would do more harm than good.'
'He might have benefited from a brother or sister,' sighed Lydia. 'I've often thought Slade would have too, especially when he was younger. He would have learned to share and confide, not to keep everything to himself.'
Trigg woke and nothing more was said, but Lydia's remarks lingered. Slade was possessive and didn't easily share his thoughts, but Lee didn't believe this was a trait that had much to do with being an only child. With Slade she had often felt he had learned not to trust, yet with a mother like Lydia, that didn't seem possible.
As the evenings were drawing in, they didn't stay late on the river. Lee was home in good tim
e to cook dinner. Lydia asked her to dine with her, but she refused. Slade might not be pleased if he discovered she had spent the day with his mother, but he would be furious if she accepted an invitation to dine at his house while he was away. Trigg provided a convenient excuse as he was staying until the morning at River Bend and she wanted to get him into bed before he fell asleep again.
She reluctantly promised Lydia that she would think about coming to the barbecue, but when the night arrived she couldn't find sufficient courage. Pleading a headache, she told the others to go ahead, she would follow when she felt better. But she knew she wouldn't. On returning from Venice, Julia and Nigel had announced their engagement, which had distressed Julia when she had learned that Lee and Matt had broken theirs. Lee had glossed over it, telling her much the same story as she had told Sandra, but she was aware that Julia wasn't as easily deceived. Despite Lee's protestations, Julia suspected her heart was breaking. It might be, Lee thought heavily, but Matt wasn't responsible.
Left on her own, she let herself quietly out of the house and wandered through the fields to the river. After a while she sat down in one of her favourite spots under some huge willow trees. The sound of the gently rippling water soothed her, along with the unobtrusive sounds of the night. Through the dipping branches of the willows she noticed a water-vole plunge from the bank and disappear into its hole, while above her head an owl hooted softly in the trees. Lee tried to spot its exact location, but it was too well hidden from sight.
Being well acquainted with the small creatures of the river bank, she knew no fear, but the crunch of footsteps on some dying foliage startled her. Suddenly apprehensive, she scrambled to her feet and turned, to find Slade approaching her. It was dusk, but there was no mistaking his tall, commanding figure. Unconsciously she shivered. How many times over the past weeks had she longed for such a moment, yet now it was here she almost wished she could disappear like the water-vole.
'Lee?' His voice reached her before he did, playing on her already heightened senses.
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