Impasse

by Margaret Pargeter

  Slade merely laughed, and her teeth chattered as his hands travelled softly down her body. She couldn't stop shaking and heard his name on her lips seconds before he was kissing her senseless again. She struggled, fighting the surge of desire that went through her as the heat of it threatened to melt her resistance. It frightened her that Slade was able to demolish it so easily.

  'Don't!' she succeeded in getting the strangled gasp past his marauding lips.

  He took no notice. He was using force to subdue her, until the hunger he knew he could arouse in her grew too overwhelming for her to do anything about it. His amusement and disregard for her wishes gave her the strength to continue struggling, but all she achieved was her own exhaustion.

  'Lee, be sensible,' he groaned, his voice thick but with a tenseness about it that suggested he was fighting for more than just immediate victory.

  'I am being sensible,' she gasped, like a drowning swimmer being swept out to sea. 'You're the one who's not!'

  He went on kissing her, parting her trembling lips, delving deep. When at last she began clinging to him, ardently returning his kisses, he asked with a hint of hardness in his voice, 'Can you honestly insist now that you don't want me?'

  Completely lost, Lee was incapable of answering. Her heart was beating so loudly she didn't hear the weakening voice of reason. She merely gazed at him blindly, her blue eyes fixed helplessly on his hard, sensual mouth. As it moved triumphantly towards her own, her eyes closed, her arms going round his neck, a betraying sigh of pleasure on her lips.

  His kisses had a new urgency, a flaring hunger that she knew she felt herself. She lay against him, weakly yielding, her hands stroking his thick dark hair, making no further protest when he lifted her and carried her across the lounge to one of the bedrooms and laid her on a wide, soft bed.

  Her dress tore as he slid down her zip and removed it with something less than his usual skill. He lay beside her, pressing his lips to the creamy skin of her throat, and as his mouth travelled lower she felt the growing urgency inside both of them. A dizzying weakness flooded her as his passionate lovemaking extinguished the last remnants of her will to fight him. When his mouth found her breasts, he was breathing hard, murmuring something she didn't even hear, and she was writhing with pleasure, her eyes closed tight.

  Vaguely she was aware of an odd tenderness entering his voice as he pushed her back among the pillows, but nothing was able to penetrate the trance of her growing desire. His black head moved against her body, his hands and mouth warm on her naked skin, and she was trapped by an incredible excitement that had her shaking. His fiercely muttered words of remorse and love merely blended indistinctly with the deafening noise her heart was making.

  Hazily she saw his broad shoulders, his hard-muscled chest coming nearer, and she wrapped her arms around his back, caressing him as she melted into him. Their bodies pressed closer and joined in a rhythmic movement that intensified as their passion flared out of control.

  There was a new violence about Slade in that moment, but she was helpless to meet it with anything other than complete response. She arched against him, an inability to breathe torturing her as she was swept into a union more devastating than anything she had known before. He seemed intent on stamping an indelible brand on her. Without mercy he imposed himself on her, until the blinding surges of ecstasy he was arousing brought a shattering release. Eyes closed, Lee lay quivering, her arms still clasped around his neck, but with a feeling of coldness returning to rapidly steal the warmth from her body as reality returned with it.

  As he lay slumped against her in an attitude that in another man she might have taken for defeat, she took her arms away and tried to escape, but he wouldn't let her. As she slid from under him, his hand jerked out to hold her. Raising on an elbow, he stared with hot eyes at her perfectly formed body. Through her gathering tears, she saw his jaw clench as he read the depth of her regret. 'You hate me, don't you?'

  Hate? She was near to believing it. Slade gave her so much pleasure, but, in bitter retrospect, this was something she could only feel ashamed of. She felt suddenly degraded, and it must have showed, for his face went white.

  'Don't you?' he insisted harshly.

  'Right now, yes.'

  'Damn you!' he said hoarsely. 'You'd better get dressed.'

  Lee nodded dully. There was something final in his voice that she should have welcomed, but it seemed to hit her like a blow and she couldn't help but feel that something between them had ended. He turned, sliding abruptly off the other side of the bed, but not before she had seen a new hardness enter his face. Wonderingly her eyes followed his tall naked figure as he picked up his clothes and left the room abruptly. She swallowed hard and felt the new deadly coldness sweeping over her again.

  Slade was waiting for her in the lounge, and she was struck afresh by the grimness of his expression. His eyes, dark and blank, rested on her soberly while she waited for him to speak.

  As she stood before him, pale-faced and trembling, he swallowed, as though a constriction in his throat hurt him. 'You don't have to be frightened of me anymore, Lee,' he said, with such unmistakable self-contempt that she flinched.

  Because she could have sworn this was the first time in his life he had ever felt ashamed of himself, she felt confused. She wanted to talk to him, but though she spoke his name, she could find nothing more in the vast emptiness that seemed to be her mind. The depression settling on her so heavily allowed no constructive thought to get through.

  For a moment she could only stare at him, conscious of a despairing love for him. He had dressed, but seemed indifferent that his hair was still tousled. There was an air about him that suggested he had been making decisions which he hadn't found easy. He seemed tense and unrelaxed, his mouth grim.

  Suddenly Lee wanted to go to him and offer what comfort she could, but he offered no encouragement, and her nerve failed. He didn't care for her, he had never cared for her! Every time they met there was a flare-up of sexual attraction, and tonight she had rashly goaded him and he had lost control. He had used the full and dangerous force of his powerful sexuality in an attempt to subdue her to his way of thinking, but somehow this had worked against him. Now he felt ashamed of himself and, with his usual arrogance, didn't relish the emotion. Now he only wanted to be rid of her, so he shouldn't be constantly reminded of it.

  Wrenching her eyes from his, she stumbled past him to find her coat, but, defining her intentions, Slade beat her to it. Automatically the gentleman, she thought cynically, as he draped it around her shoulders, then jumped as his hand touched her arm and an electric shock shot through her.

  'I only intend taking you home,' he said icily, mistaking her reaction.

  She gulped, and as his eyes noted the suffering etched on her beautiful features, his face darkened as he clearly judged that she was terrified of him. A mixture of pain and fury was expressed in his voice as he rasped, 'Haven't I told you, you have nothing to fear from me any more, Lee.'

  'I know,' she whispered numbly.

  'I didn't think it mattered to me how you felt, but it does…'

  'Slade?'

  'You don't have to keep repeating how much you hate me,' he muttered. 'I'm believing it at last. I find I'm not even sure that I'm interested in the kind of life I had mapped out for us five minutes ago. You say you've changed in the past five years, and maybe so have I.'

  She was suddenly angry at the undisguised contempt he displayed, not guessing that it was directed entirely against himself. 'If we're both disillusioned it must be your fault!' she cried, her red hair bouncing about her flushed face, giving a magnificent wildness to her temper. 'You always take what you want, don't you? You never stop to consider how your victims feel. If you're finally catching on that sex isn't enough, I doubt if it will have any lasting effect on your insatiable appetites!'

  She had gone too far—he went white. There was a stony silence, broken only by Lee's ragged breathing. 'Are you through?' he asked, with
such deadly coldness that Lee knew she would never be forgiven. 'You may act like an outraged virgin, but your sexual needs always matched my own. I only took what you were very willing to give. And I paid top rates, remember?'

  Lee stared at him, her anger dying fast as his glance roamed insolently over her. There was hunger in his eyes but also a hate which betrayed clearly that if he ever touched her again it would only be in revenge. Summoning the tattered remains of her pride, she lifted her chin. 'You talk as though I demanded payment for everything!'

  'But your last demand I refuse to meet.'

  'You mean your freedom,' she scorned. 'You wouldn't part with that for anything.'

  He winced but replied curtly, 'No woman has taken it from me yet, nor ever will.'

  For Lee that was the end of everything. There was nothing more to say. 'I hate you!' she breathed, not because Slade had asked her not to repeat it, but because it seemed the only retort suitable for a remark that spelt the end of her dreams.

  He went rigid. 'If it's any comfort to you,' he said stiffly, 'I hate myself for a lot of things. Now can we leave?'

  As he slammed into the car with her, the biting words he seemed about to utter died as he saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. Producing a clean handkerchief, he dropped it in her lap, then turned away. As she picked it up, Lee saw a muscle working in his throat and noticed his hands clenched on the steering wheel. She had a feeling that if she sank her pride and appealed to him, she could soon be in his arms again. But she wanted- no false sympathy, or sympathy of any kind, for that matter. If she couldn't have his love, she wanted nothing else, for anything else would merely serve to prolong her ultimate agony.

  Later, when Slade dropped her at River Bend, she managed to thank him and say goodbye with a cool little smile which she hoped denied her former tears and concealed her heartache. For his part, Slade merely nodded grimly and drove off, leaving her standing staring after him until his lights disappeared and the drive and her life was in darkness again.

  The next morning, Julia teased, 'You were the belle of the ball—and the talk of it, Lee.'

  'And a dark horse!' quipped Sandra. 'You never told us you were so thick with the most eligible man around. One of the most,' she amended, obviously thinking of Matt.

  Lee was glad it was her turn to cook breakfast, but she tried to hide a white face, not blushes. 'If you're referring to Slade Western, I don't suppose I'll be seeing him again.' With her attention focussed on the eggs she was frying, she managed to retain a light note. 'Naive country girls aren't really much in his line.'

  'That wasn't the impression everyone got last night,' Sandra persisted.

  'Well, he didn't ask to see me again,' Lee retorted, and was glad she had stuck to the truth when he made no attempt to during the following weeks.

  After several days had gone by and he didn't try and get in touch with her, she realised he had accepted her decision and wasn't going to. Although Lee was still sure she had made the right decision, she hadn't guessed how dreadful it would make her feel. There were times when Nigel spoke of him, when she felt like dropping everything to go and find him, to beg to be allowed to live with him under any conditions he chose.

  When she had fled from Slade in Paris, she had been heartbroken, but the subsequent loss of her memory had cushioned her from the worst effects of this. Yet, without her being aware of it, in the period between that date and now, her love for him had apparently deepened, making the pain she had known then seem like a mere ache compared with what she was presently suffering. She saw clearly that her involvement with Matt had been a terrible mistake. At least, Slade in his ruthlessness had saved her from a marriage that could only have ended in disaster. Perhaps one day she might be able to put Slade from her mind and love again, but it would be criminal to even think of another man until she had managed to get rid of Slade's image completely.

  Julia and Sandra quickly tired of teasing her, Slade's failure to appear at River Bend convincing them eventually that Slade's interest in Lee had indeed only been transitory. Only Matt now looked at her curiously, as she grew paler and thinner, something the others didn't seem to notice, but she avoided the concern she saw in his eyes, the questions hovering on his lips she had no wish to answer. She breathed a sigh of relief that Sandra kept him well occupied, though their absorption in each other seemed in a way to only emphasise her own loneliness. She was pleased, for Matt's sake, that he had found someone else and realised that soon she might be in danger of losing all her lodgers.

  Though she knew Slade was still at Reading, she was so seldom in the town herself that she never expected to bump into him. It was exactly three weeks after the night of the barbecue that she did. Having spent long hours on her last book, rather than brood continually over him, she had finished it very quickly and was trying to decide whether to post it to her publisher or deliver it herself, when Dulcie rang to ask if she would have Trigg for a couple of days.

  Lee agreed happily, glad of anything, now that she had finished her book, that might provide further distraction. She could shelve the decision about posting it until after Trigg had gone. The first afternoon she drove him in to Reading to find him a manual on model railways which he wanted, and it was in the bookshop that she bumped into Mrs Western and Slade.

  Trigg saw them first and announced in far too loud a voice, 'Lee, there's the man who stole your bike with the lady who took us on the river! Do you think he's going to steal her boat?'

  Lee hushed Trigg as several amused heads turned, but she couldn't prevent her cheeks heating. She couldn't be sure that Slade had heard, for he continued his appraisal of a row of paperbacks, but his mother did and immediately came over. 'Hello, young man,' she laughed at Trigg, 'you do make the most frightful accusations!' And to Lee, 'How lovely to see you, dear. The last time we met in Reading, it was here. How are you keeping?'

  'F-fine,' Lee faltered brightly. 'And you?'

  When Mrs Western said she was very well, Lee hurried on, averting her eyes from Slade's firmly turned back, Trigg and I are looking for a book on trains.'

  'I'm staying with Lee again,' Trigg smiled at Lee lovingly, 'while my parents are in London.'

  While Mrs Western asked Trigg the precise name of the book he was after, Lee stole another glance at Slade. She got a shock to discover he was now standing only a few feet away, regarding her bitterly. He looked as grim and as distant as when she had last seen him and, like herself, thinner. His face was set with a stiff, cold expression that sent a shiver right through her. But as their eyes met she saw nothing in them to give even the slightest clue to his feelings. She might have been a stranger; they were entirely blank.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Lee took several deep breaths as, despite Slade's coldness, desire for him flamed into life. The dark force of his eyes seemed to weld with hers and as his gaze narrowed she felt as though she had been hit by something hard. She heard Mrs Western asking if she had finished her latest book and nodded without being really aware of what she was doing.

  She felt suddenly ill. Mrs Western's question, though, did succeed in distracting her numbed attention away from Slade. 'I'm taking or sending it to London, next week.'

  'I'm sure your publisher will like it.' Lydia's eyes were warm with approval. 'You must come to dinner, one evening, Thursday perhaps, and you can tell me about it. Would Thursday suit you, Slade?'

  Lee followed Lydia's questioning glance uncertainly. He wouldn't want her dining with his mother. It didn't take any great astuteness to read his thoughts. Did he really believe she wanted to accept, knowing that being in his home would only remind her of the last evening she had spent there? He wouldn't be there if he knew she was coming, but would that make her feel any better?

  'I'd love to,' she replied, forcing a pleased smile. She had been about to refuse, but Slade's indifferent shrug had taken so much of the eagerness from Lydia's face that she couldn't bring herself to risk removing it altogether.

  'That
will be wonderful!' beamed Lydia, quickly diverted. 'Slade seldom brings a pretty girl to see me, nowadays. In fact, I can't remember the last time. It must be years…'

  Slade interrupted shortly, 'I'm sure Miss Moreau isn't interested in what I do in my spare time.'

  'Miss Moreau?' His mother's eyes widened innocently, 'How stiff you sound, Slade, but you remind me that Lee is half French. Do you keep in touch with your French relations, Lee?'

  'No,' Lee hesitated. 'I'm thinking of looking them up, though, before I begin my next book. I could spend several weeks in France.'

  Slade's brows grew blacker, but he made no comment.

  'That would make a pleasant change,' exclaimed Lydia. 'And you never know—you might even meet someone special and decide to settle there. The French are very attractive,' she teased. 'I could come and stay with you for your first christening.'

  'Lee must be quite capable of planning her own life,' snapped Slade, a peculiar white line around his mouth.

  'But she looks as if she could do with a holiday,' his mother frowned. 'How much weight have you lost since I last saw you, child?'

  'A lot, my mother says,' piped Trigg.

  'I've been slimming,' Lee hedged, then invented an excuse to hurry Trigg away. She smiled weakly at Lydia, a smile which somehow slid to include Slade, but he merely stared at her grimly, his hard face as forbidding as ever.

  Lee was so shaken by the encounter that it took her a while to get over it. If she could have got out of her promise to dine with Mrs Western she would have done, but when Lydia rang to confirm the arrangement, her nerve failed her. Although Slade wouldn't be there, she would be going to his home and, with every bit of her so sensitively attuned to him, she was sure she would feel his presence everywhere. It took a great deal of courage not to say no.

  As Mrs Western always dressed for dinner, Lee chose a simple black dress that seemed to match her mood yet looked well with her gleaming red hair. By making up carefully, she managed to conceal the dark shadows under her eyes and a little blusher disguised the paleness of her cheeks. She put on a pair of flat shoes for driving and took some high-heeled black sandals to change into when she arrived.