by L. N. Cronk
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Holland,” the social worker told her. “There are too many reasons why this would not be a good placement.”
“What reasons?”
“Forget it, Laci,” I said. “It’s not gonna happen.”
“What reasons?” Laci insisted.
“Well,” she said, “quite frankly I feel that your husband has an unhealthy obsession with this child.”
“What?” Laci cried.
I felt Tanner’s hand grip my shoulder.
“Officer Donoho tried to assure me that you had nothing to do with the events of this evening,” she said, “yet here you are. I find that odd. Actually, I find it more than odd. I find it suspect, and I think that your interest in this child is abnormal.”
“Abnormal?” I asked. “You think it’s abnormal that someone cares about a child and wants to protect her and love her and care for her?”
“David–” Tanner said, squeezing my shoulder harder. I tried to shrug his hand off.
“David would be a great foster parent for Amber,” Laci insisted. “He has nothing but her best interest at heart. Both of us do.”
“I really do hope that’s the case,” the social worker said insincerely, “but if I placed Amber in your home when I had such serious doubts . . . well, I really wouldn’t be doing my job now, would I?”
“Don’t give me that crap about doing your job!” I shouted.
“David!” Laci gasped.
I ignored her.
I stared at Erin Lamont. “You can’t admit that you never should have put her in that home in the first place, and now you’re going to keep her from me just for spite!”
“David!” Tanner warned, gripping my shoulder.
“Forget it, Tanner,” I said. “She’s not a big enough person to do the right thing. She doesn’t really care what’s best for Amber, as long as she doesn’t have to admit that she was wrong for ever putting her in that home in the first place. She’s nothing but a petty, spiteful–”
“DAVID!” Laci gasped.
“Come here, Amber,” I said, reaching for her. She held out her free hand, but Erin Lamont pulled her further away from me.
“I just want to say goodbye to her,” I glared.
“You can say goodbye to her from here.”
Tanner took his hand off of my shoulder and stepped toward the social worker. He stood, towering over her and reached down for Amber.
“Come here, Amber,” he said. “David wants to say goodbye to you.”
He lifted her easily, breaking the grip the social worker had on her hand. Then he set her down gently onto my lap and I wrapped my arms around her.
I whispered in her ear how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. I told her that I was going to pray for her every day for the rest of my life and that I would never, ever forget her.
“I love you so much,” I whispered. “Don’t ever forget that, okay?”
Amber put her mouth to my ear and cupped her hand to whisper, but no sound came out. She sat back, looking dismayed.
“You want to tell me that you love me too?” I asked, and she nodded, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Don’t cry,” I whispered. “I know you love me. You don’t have to say it. I know.”
She hugged me tight and then Laci and Tanner said goodbye to her and Laci handed her the stuffed dog with the bandage on its leg and then Erin Lamont took her hand again and started leading her from the room. Amber looked back over her shoulder at me one more time before she disappeared out the door.
~ ~ ~
EVER SINCE THE day we got married, Laci and I have always prayed together. Down on our knees, holding hands, praying out loud. It had been Laci’s idea – especially the part about being down on our knees – and it was something that we did every night when we were together.
I’ll admit that at first it had seemed awkward and embarrassing, but I’d gone along with it because Laci had wanted to, and back then I’d have done just about anything that Laci wanted.
Now, it was something that I looked forward to every night. It was something I wanted to do. Something that I needed to do.
But we hadn’t prayed together in almost a week – not since before she’d flown to Houston. Not since the night that Tanner and I had broken into the Exceptional Children’s Services and stolen confidential files from their office. Not since the night I had decided that I knew better than God.
I didn’t really know if I could bring myself to let Laci know everything that I’d done. Besides that, there was no way I was going to be able to kneel down and pray with this stupid cast on my leg. But there was so much I needed to pray about. I’d lied . . . I’d been hateful . . . I’d broken the law.
I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to talk to God by myself. But I was ashamed . . . and (to be honest) disappointed in God. A very poor combination, indeed.
Needless to say, it didn’t go too well.
“David?” Laci called, rapping lightly on the door after I’d been in there for a while. I didn’t answer.
“David?” More loudly this time, banging on the door.
“I’ll be out in a few minutes,” I told her, the sound of my voice betraying me.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
In a moment, I heard the little metal key that we hid on top of all the door jams being inserted into the lock.
“I’m coming in,” she warned as the handle turned. She waited for a moment, giving me a chance to protest, but when I didn’t, she pushed the door open.
As soon as I saw her, I felt the tears come into my eyes. She looked at me sympathetically.
“David,” she said softly, reaching for me.
“I can’t even pray,” I told her, choking on the words.
She pushed herself up onto the counter. “Come here,” she offered, opening her arms to me. I leaned against her, letting her support my weight. She kissed my forehead.
I buried my head against her shoulder and we stood there like that – with her holding me – for a long time. Finally she said softly, “There’s nothing you can’t tell me.”
And so, I told her everything.
When I was finished, I said, “I know what I did was wrong, and I know I don’t deserve Amber, but none of this is her fault.”
“She’s going to be okay. God won’t let her go through something unless it’s going to work for good.”
“I don’t want her to go through anything!”
“He loves her even more than you do,” she reminded me.
“I’m going to miss her so much,” I cried, my head still buried on her shoulder.
“I know,” she soothed quietly, stroking my hair. “I know you are.”
And then Laci prayed. Out loud.
First she prayed for Amber. She prayed that God would take care of her and put her in a good home and draw her close to Him and that she would always know His peace.
And then Laci prayed for me – because she knew I couldn’t pray for myself.
~ ~ ~
THE NEXT MORNING, Tanner and Jordan came over. Together, they found a beam in the ceiling and installed a giant eye hook. Then they threaded a length of rope through it and tied it off, a loop at one end.
Laci came out of the kitchen, licking frosting off of her finger.
“How does this help?” she wanted to know.
“I can do a lot of the work now when I need to get up,” I explained, grabbing the rope and pulling. Laci hardly had to help at all before I was standing, supporting myself on my crutches.
“This’ll improve your upper body strength,” Tanner said, flexing his biceps. “Before long, you’ll look like me.”
“That’s an incentive,” I muttered.
Dorito jumped onto the bed, grabbed the loop and swung away like Tarzan.
“No, no, no,” Laci said. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“It’s not gonna break or anything,” Jordan assured her.
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“It’s not a good idea,” Laci replied through gritted teeth.
“Oh, yeah,” Jordan suddenly agreed, shaking his head at Dorito. “It’s not a good idea.”
“Awwww.” Dorito looked crestfallen.
“Come on,” Laci offered. “You wanna help Lily decorate Christmas cookies?”
“I wanna help Lily decorate Christmas cookies!” Jordan said, and the three of them headed into the kitchen.
After they’d left, I hobbled over to the window and stared out into the front yard.
“Wanna get some fresh air?” I asked Tanner.
“Sure.”
He basically lifted me down the stairs and then handed me my crutches.
“You’re very handy to have around,” I observed.
“Yup,” he agreed as we started down the drive.
“Thanks for getting Amber out of there,” I said when we reached the sidewalk.
“I’m sorry they didn’t let you have her.”
“She’s out of there now,” I said. “That’s the most important thing.”
“I guess,” he agreed.
“I wanna know what happened,” I told him, stopping and looking at him.
He stopped for a brief moment, but then he shook his head.
“No, you don’t,” he said, and he kept on walking.
“Tanner!” I shouted at him. He stopped walking again and turned to face me. “I want to know. I want you to tell me what happened.”
“If I tell you,” he warned, “you’re gonna wish you’d never found out.”
“It can’t be as bad as all the things I’m imagining,” I assured him.
He stared at me for a long moment and then walked back to where I was. Then he told me. And after he was done telling me everything that had happened, I discovered that he’d been right and that I should have listened to him.
I wished I’d never found out.
~ ~ ~
AFTER THAT, LIFE went on. Like Tanner had predicted, my upper body strength increased, and very soon I was able to get myself out of bed. One afternoon I even managed to scoot – on my butt – backwards up the stairs and get into the shower. With a garbage bag taped tightly over my cast, I took the first shower I’d had since I’d fallen from the tree six days earlier. I needed to get clean . . . we were getting ready to go over to the White’s for Christmas Eve dinner.
As far as I could tell, Charlotte didn’t know anything about the fight I’d had with Jacob. I think she couldn’t wait for the two of us to get together.
“Be nice!” Laci warned before we left the house.
“I’m not making any promises.”
“At least be civil!” she insisted. “For Charlotte’s sake.”
“I’ll be civil if he is.”
“That’s real mature,” she muttered.
We arrived at the White’s house and I managed to hop up the stairs with my arm around Laci’s shoulder. Mrs. White opened the door.
“Lasagna?” I asked, inhaling deeply as we entered the living room.
“What else?” Mrs. White smiled.
Charlotte came to the door to hug me. Looking over her shoulder, I saw Jacob, hanging back, leaning against the door to the kitchen.
“So, you guys have already met, right?” Charlotte asked, looking from Jacob to me. We both nodded. “Great! Well, everybody come on in and sit down.”
“Dinner’s almost ready,” Mrs. White said, looking at me. “Would it be easier if we just went ahead and sat down in the dining room?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Thanks. Getting up and down’s the hardest part.”
“Is Jordan coming?” Laci asked.
“No,” Charlotte said, shaking her head. “Chase got in a few hours ago and Jordan just decided to stay home.”
“So, he’s able to drive?” Jacob asked.
“For right now,” Charlotte said. “But, I saw him today and he’s really having some problems. I don’t know how much longer he’s gonna be able to be on his own.”
“Has Jordan decided if he’s going to get tested?”
“Not yet,” Charlotte said.
“Do you want him to get tested?” Laci asked her.
“Depends on when you ask me,” she said. “I waver back and forth . . .”
“That’s understandable,” I said. “I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Charlotte?” Mrs. White called. “Could you come and help me with the salad?”
“I’ll help,” Laci offered, standing up and heading into the kitchen.
“Charlotte tells me you’re an engineer?” Jacob asked, looking at me politely. He acted as if we’d had tea a week earlier instead of a fight, and I wondered if someone had warned him to be civil too.
“Yes, I am,” I said. If he was going to be civil, then I was going to being civil too. I could be way more civil than he could. “How about you, Jacob? What do you do?”
“Well, I’m on disability right now,” he explained, “but before I got sick I worked for Schaffer Technologies.”
“X-rays?”
“Right,” he nodded.
“How’d you know that?” Charlotte asked.
“Because, a lot of times we use X-rays to determine the integrity of metal supports that are in concrete,” I told her. Then I asked Jacob, “What was your position?”
“Medical division, maintenance and support.”
I nodded.
I’ll bet he has an associate’s degree at best. Big deal.
“Isn’t that neat?” Charlotte wanted to know.
“Uh-huh,” I nodded as Laci set some salad dressing down in the middle of the table.
“I mean,” she went on, “Dad was a physics teacher and I’m going into engineering and Greg was going into engineering . . .”
“It’s a little bit different,” I said to Charlotte, carefully. “I mean, engineers design stuff . . .”
“Yeah,” Jacob agreed. “My job is just to fix and maintain things . . . even if they were engineered poorly.”
All right, that’s it.
“Look!” Mrs. White said, a little too cheerily. “The lasagna’s here! Lasagna is David’s favorite!” she told Jacob. “Ever since – what was it, David? Seventh grade?”
I nodded.
“Ever since seventh grade,” she went on, “he’s always loved my lasagna.”
“Here,” Laci said, setting a bowl of salad down on the table and thrusting a pair of tongs at me. “Dish up your salad.”
I took the tongs from Laci and put some salad on my plate.
After we’d said grace, Jacob tried his hand at being civil again.
“So,” he asked, “how exactly did you break your leg? Something about getting a Frisbee out of a tree?”
I glanced at Laci and then I shook my head. I wasn’t going to lie anymore – not even to Jacob.
“No,” I said. “Not exactly. I wasn’t playing Frisbee.”
“What happened then?” Charlotte asked, surprised.
“I’d really rather not talk about it right now,” I answered.
Charlotte let it drop, but she narrowed her eyes at me and I knew she was going to pester me about it later. That was fine – I’d tell her and Mrs. White – but it was none of Jacob’s business.
“So, Jacob,” Laci said, “where did you grow up?”
I shot her a thankful look for changing the subject and she smiled at me.
“Mostly in the northeastern part of the state.”
“What town?”
“Different ones,” he shrugged and hesitated. Then, he finally said, “I kinda got bounced around a lot.”
Charlotte looked at me and Laci.
“Jacob spent a lot of time in–” Then she stopped and looked at him, laying her hand on his arm. “You don’t care if they know, do you?”
He glanced at Charlotte and then looked directly at me.
“My mom was pretty messed up,” he said. “I got taken away from her a lot. She’d get her act together for a w
hile and then I’d get to go back to her, but then she’d screw up again and the state would take me away again.”
“I . . . I didn’t know that,” Laci said. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged again.
“Were you ever in foster care?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I was in foster care a lot.”
“So you got placed with different families?”
“Yeah.”
“Was it . . . I mean, were they good families?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I had real good families.”
I looked at Laci and smiled. She smiled back.
Charlotte raised her eyebrows at us.
“What’s that all about?” she asked us.
“We tried to take in a little girl who was in foster care, but we didn’t get her,” Laci answered.
“Why not?”
“Because,” I said, “basically her caseworker hates my guts and she’s pretty much made it her personal mission in life to make sure that I never see Amber again.”
“That’s not right!” Charlotte cried.
“No,” I argued, “actually it is. I was really rude to her and I did a lot of things I shouldn’t have done. I got what I deserved.”
“But,” Laci interjected, putting her hand on mine, “we’re very hopeful that Amber’s in a good home now, and it’s really comforting to hear Jacob say that he was placed with good families.”
“Well, to be honest,” Jacob said, “I was more fortunate than most kids.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“My caseworker was really good,” he said. “She was in charge of me from the time I went into foster care when I was three until the time I aged out and she was great. She really went out of her way for me. You know, above and beyond the call of duty, that sort of stuff.”
“What do you mean?”
“I dunno,” he said. “She just really seemed to like me – I was her favorite kid for some reason – or at least she made me feel like I was. She always made sure I had good families and she checked on me all the time and everything. I’ve been out of the system for fifteen years and she still keeps in touch with me and wants to know how I’m doing and stuff. Most foster kids aren’t that lucky.”